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Cashing in twice on Holidays

TrueNorth77's picture

Man, these skids and their expectations of double-holidays due to divorce. Typically we have done something for Easter for skids because we either have them, or they were younger so it made sense- an easter egg hunt, baskets. This year, SS is less than a month from 16, and SD is coming up on 13. Plus we didn't have them on Easter, Crazy did. But guess who is the one who facillitates any Easter baskets/gifts? That would be me. DH isn't into this stuff. I asked DH if he wanted to do anything this year and he said no- we don't have them on Easter and they are too old anyway. I don't necessarily agree they are too old, but also I'm over skids right now and not going to bend over backwards to buy them crap. Especially when they are with Crazy for the day and I'm sure she got them baskets. They never eat half the candy anyway. 

SD repeatedly asked DH if we were going to do something for them for Easter- baskets, egg hunt. He said no. She asks why not and he said you aren't even with us, and you're too old. She said, we've not been with you before and you've still done something. While that may be true, this whole trying to cash in twice on a holiday is getting a bit old. It feels slightly entitled that just because your parents are divorced you expect to get double everything. And also, you are going to start getting an attitude and question DH's parenting, and you think you deserve an extra Easter?? I had already gotten them a few small things (candy) prior to them irritating me this week, so I made them each a bag and left it on the counter with their names on them. DH said that when he was telling SD no to baskets/hunt that he made sure they knew the bags were from me and he had nothing to do with it. So SD was still asking if they would get baskets/an egg hunt, even after she saw the bag of candy...apparently the candy wasn't enough. Good Grief. 

Oh and get this! SD's best friend lives 2 blocks away and she spends a ton of time there, and vice versa. The friend's mom seems nice but a bit..over-the-top. She bought SD AND SS Easter baskets, (She doesn't even know SS!), which I'm sure just reinforces SD's/BM's belief that we are terrible parents, and she asked SD for Crazy's RING SIZE to buy Crazy a bday present. Um,what?! They are not actual friends, they have communicated via text for things related to SD and SD's friend..and she is buying Crazy a RING?? Crazy has presented herself as mother of the year by fawning over SD via text and online...and SD doesn't tell them the crazy stuff she does. Like kicking SD out of the house. Or telling SD she is the reason Crazy doesn't have a boyfriend. There was a moment in time where I thought, maybe SD's friend's parents and DH and I could be friends, but DH and I suspect they are not our people. 

Edit to add: I am done doing all of the work for these things, especially when DH doesn't think we need to, Which is why I only gave them the very minimal candy I had already bought weeks ago and nothing more. Times they are a-changin!


Harry's picture

It's his kids, it's up to him to do for his kids.  If DH dies do you think SK will have anything to do with you?  Buying a bunch of candy is not a big thing.  But you must draw a line on the amount of money they get .  

You must feel this way, because you are here posting on this board.  Read up in Disengaging board 

thinkthrice's picture

Was always Christmas Ii.  I gave up trying to do a 2nd Easter for the 3 ferals early on as nothing was ever appreciated.  At the very end,  I was buying extremely cheap off brand  dollar store candy for YSS after the oldest 2 had PASed out.   Mostly trying to save money because the skids were extremely expensive (destructive/used to eating out all the time) and CS was extremely exorbitant.

TrueNorth77's picture

It's all just wasted crap. SD still has candy from last year in her room. And last fall she cleaned her room and I watched her carry her nice Easter basket to the trash bin outside and throw it away. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I don't use that". I said, so I guess you don't want an easter basket next year since you are throwing it away. Do you just expect us to buy a new one every year? Super wasteful. She really is a good kid overall, but zero appreciation for money or being wasteful. 

thinkthrice's picture

We found a brand new easel for SD in the burn pile.  YSD's expensive "major league" hat was thrown away at the Girhippo's house.  I could go on and on.

CLove's picture

What Husband does is this: your mother is taking care of this holiday/thing? GREAT! I dont have to do this holiday/thing!

They dont need duplicates of everything. They need both parents spending time in their lives. Period.

TrueNorth77's picture

I was curious what others did. It has definitely become the expectation that they get 2 of everything, and honestly SD is now coming off as entitled and a brat by continuing to ask for it when she has done nothing to deserve it and has continually slighted DH's parenting. 

stepmomnorth's picture

If DH says no candy this year then that's just it... I would go with that. As mentioned they are not with him on that date so it's no biggie and they got lots of other stuff. I'd leave it at that. As others have mentioned it would be worth disengaging on and stopping buying these things yourself. If DH wants it he can arrange for these things. Believe me, it's easier this way Smile leave the onus completely on him and try not to stress on skids reactions and emotions. 

TrueNorth77's picture

That is exactly why I didn't buy more- the stuff I bought was from weeks ago (literally 3 small pkg's of candy each), and even if he did want to do something more, It would have been up to him to buy the crap because I'm over skids! 

ndc's picture

We did baskets and an easter egg hunt for the skids because it was our weekend.  They then left in the afternoon to go to a big, extended-family egg hunt at BM's house.  DH and I have decided we're going to cut way back.  We can't (and don't want to) compete with BM and her family, and the skids have more stuff than they need or can possibly use.

Crr18's picture

SO is over the top. Last year he spent appoximay$250on each kid for Easter. He spends $700 on each of them for Chiristmas. They get the same form BM and don't get me started on grandparents. This year I got him to just a little over $100 each for Easter. SS doesn't eat chocolate and SD hardly eats.  It is unbelievable.

TrueNorth77's picture

That is ridiculous! DH is similar to your DH on Christmas. He will literally just buy random presents if he runs out of ideas because he thinks he needs to spend a ton of money on skids. I can't tell you how many presents they have never even played with because it was just a panic gift/something to open. We will discuss it and i feel like we are on the same page, and then he will go buy additional gifts above what we discussed. The guilt takes over. I hate Christmas shopping because of this. 

thinkthrice's picture

The guilty dad spending.   Know it well.  In the early days, Chef was guilty daddy spending money we didn't have after whopping CS EVERY weekend!!!  I think it actually accelerated the disrespect and PASout.

TrueNorth77's picture

Interesting! DH definitely equates spending money to showing he loves them. Every activity he suggests has to be something expensive. I try to suggest a hike or something and he balks at that, it's like unless it costs a lot it doesn't count. 

strugglingSM's picture

I used to get things for skids for valentine's, Easter, Christmas, but they always turn their noses up at them, so I stopped. This year, we weren't supposed to have them for Easter, but of course we did because MIL insisted upon contacting BM without asking DH and then we were in charge of getting them to and from Easter at MIL's house. When they arrived at our house, they asked DH if we had hidden eggs in the backyard for them and he said no. We had put some eggs (sent by my mother) out for DD, but they had mini stuffed animals in them and we went out with her to pick them up before skids arrived. I also made a basket for DD, but it included books, stuffed animals, a ball, and rain boots. I'm not giving money to skids and they would turn their noses up at small gifts. DH did pick out the stuffed animal and rain boots for DD, but didn't get Skids anything (for the same reason). I guarantee that BM did not get them anything and I refuse to give them something just because DD got something. 

My Skids really cash in at Christmas. They get a full Christmas from BM, a full Christmas from DH, and then MIL spends $400 on each of them, because she feels that DH and I do not do enough. She also takes them on an expensive vacation each summer because again, she feels that DH and I should be taking them on an expensive vacation because "those were some of the best memories of my childhood." MIL doesn't seem to understand that she grew up privileged and not everyone has the money to travel for 6 weeks over the summer. She once said to me, "skids really want to go to Germany"...I replied, "that's nice, so do I." My DD (also MIL's grandchild) gets used toys or clothes that were on sale, from MIL. 

Tried out's picture

I just cannot understand your MIL. How could she cut off her emotions to a toddler grandchild?It seems like she does it deliberately - like she's absorbed the jealousy her other GKs might feel about a new half sibling and acts it out by treating your little one badly. It's really sick.

strugglingSM's picture

Yeah, it's weird. I think part of it has to do with the fact that her father remarried in his late 60s after her mother died and she feels like his second wife got money that should have gone to her. She has already told DH repeatedly (including in front of me) that he needs to make sure that he protects SSs' "inheritance" (not sure what that is because when I met DH he was broke). She also told Skids (this time just in front of DH) that their "inheritance would be reduced" once DD was born. I honestly think that she thought DH should not have any more kids (probably thought he should just stay sad and alone forever) after his divorce, so she is kind of dismissive of my daughter. She'd never say that and maybe doesn't even see it herself, but she is all about buying things for older kids and doesn't even have a high chair my daughter can sit in at her house (she we always have to bring one when we go to her house). She also doesn't make any effort to make sure either her home or the family vacation home are safe for a baby or toddler, including leaving poisonous or sharp things out at toddler level. She says, "we're just not used to having a baby around", but my daughter is now 17 months old. I've seen pics of when SSs were younger and she had a whole bunch of baby toys, a swing, a high chair, etc at her house. 

When I met DH we also always drove to his brother's house for gatherings because he "has small children" (at the time a preschooler and a first grader). Now, MIL always insists we "meet halfway", so it's "fair", even though I have a toddler and BIL's kids are now in middle school. When my daughter was an infant, I would tell her that unfortunately we'd have to miss out because it was too far and MIL would always argue with me that I was wrong. And then she would pick places outside with no shade...because I'm going to sit my baby who is too young to wear sunscreen in the hot sun. She was always talking about how she picked the locations to make it fun for the older kids, but there was no consideration of my infant DD. 

daisydiamond82's picture

My SO and I had SD10 for Easter Sunday this year. SO and I picked out some fun stuff for her basket and set it all up the night before for her to see in the morning. After she opened everything and showed SO all of her new toys, she really said, "I wonder what the Easter bunny got me at mom's house? I bet it's a lot." SD is spoiled. I mean, every time I see this kid she's telling me about all the new things BM has bought her. It's the guilt buying. I grew up with divorced parents, but I only ever got an Easter basket from whoever's house I was at that day. I RARELY got two baskets for Easter. Now it's just the normal, I guess. The worst is Christmas/Hannukah it's just... insane. A couple years ago she got two barbie dream houses. One of them was hand crafted by SO's parents. All of this to say SD also never shows any gratitude for her gifts or the things she has. I've never heard that child say, "thank you" to anyone for a present she's received. I have to walk away from her now when she starts to open a gift. Like during Easter Sunday, I excused myself and sat in our bedroom for a while so she could have all of SO's attention and show him every single thing only to discount it all 10 minutes later when she asked about more gifts from BM. So ridiculous.

thinkthrice's picture

SD literally said "is that it?" after opening her Christmas presents from us.  They never said thank you.  The year they conspired with the Girhippo to lie to CPS, we had a GLORIOUS hiatus from EVERY weekend invasions. 

That Christmas they literally called Chef after we dropped off their very popular for that year toys.  Of course, they were put on speaker and you could hear the Girhippo snickering over the fact that they "hated their presents."

Chef was a limp noodle in those days and was deathly afraid of the Gir and skids so he APOLOGIZED to them!!!!

I said we should take the presents back to the store or donate them to charity.   That year the oldest two ferals PASed out for good and the HousesHitter, YSS PASed out for good less than two years later. 

strugglingSM's picture

My favorite "is that it?!" was the year we got each SS skis, new hat, coat, helmet, ski boots, gloves....and a full season the tune of $1200 each kid. They also got a few small items to unwrap and one kid said, "you never get me anything off my list!!!" We had discussed the skis and passes and told them if we got those they would be Christmas presents. Both said they wanted them. And the "list" they always share from BM has things like "an Apple Watch", "a gaming monitor"...and other things for several hundred dollars and then socks and underwear are the only choices that don't cost that much.

bananaseedo's picture

We actually went really 'low key' on SD's gifts because of this, she had multiple 'double/triple and more' events

My In-laws, DH and I, BM and person of the moment, bm's mom and husband, bm's dad, the crappy godmother...she would come back loaded every holiday, there were times we gave nothing it was so extravagant.

stepmomnorth's picture

There are certainly ways to have a wonderful Easter or any holiday without breaking the bank. This is what gets me. Isn't it about spending time with the kids and not the amount spent? For example my kids would enjoy if I created a silly scavenger hunt game with fun clues and at the end was one item like a Cadbury egg or chocolate bunny. If I baked a cake with my kids and we had it for breakfast. Make silly alien pancakes or something like that. Spending hundreds is ridiculous. At that point the kids are expecting mountains of gifts and get angry if the next time isn't as extravagant and tend to throw toys aside. I'd be darned if my kids turned their noses up at me cause I didn't buy enough. They'd be in for a surprise. But my kids are thankful for what they're given. We give them some nice stuff on holidays but don't spoil them. I just can't wrap my head around spending tonnes and spoiling.. It does the opposite of what people thing it does maybe?? I don't think it does kids good to be spoiled rotten with gifts.