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tribe's picture

Submitted by tribe on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 1:35pm

is anything harder?
i mean we are all here cuz we met someone and fell in love and thought that would be enough
and then the baggage shows up. ex's, emotions and yes even children.
i have four from my farce...and somedays i feel like they are gonna wreck my chances at being happy.
and they KNOW THAT they are a strain on my new life...and they feel horrible...not bad enough to change mind you...but bad all the same
i feel bad for my new love
BF doesnt' pay full childsupport, and although he wants to have shared custody......it NEVER works out like that. a weekend without my kids is non exsistent. we live in the same town as BF and kids just run in between. i finally saw a lawyer and asked for primary CUZ really they are HERE! but i dont 'have much of a back bone. and will probably back down on the whole basis that i still can't decide what is best for these kids. what i realize is that those kids are half me and if there is friction between new love and them, it feels like i am being torn in half
torn between love and love and feeling pressure to choose one.
i'm not sure how many crazy relationships are going on here. but 8 of us live here. 5 fulltime and 2 most of the time and 1 on a schedule that isn't nearly enough. we got 2 bdays this month. and i am hoping they will go over smoothly.
i know that they will all leave (hopefully come back to visit) and it will just be us......and that makes me smile
cuz i know we are good. but how much can we take of the rest of it.
the kids wear on me...but i love them!
they wear on him
and it hurts me...
and even if what he says about them is true....it still hurts me. and i can say the same things about them...and its ok......cuz i know i can be mad and still love them.
and yes, it bugs him that they treat me poorly and are so disrespectful and argue and push issues and lie and take advantage of me
it bugs him that i believe them and hope for them and still see the good in them
and i wish i knew how to make it all better. before there is an elephant in the room the size of china and sitting and having tea is impossible
i know they need boundries and really i change my mind everyday on what is best for them.
i apply for primary and full child support but my youngest hates being here, is so disrespectful that i just want to let her live with her BF
but then the mothering kicks in and i know he can't do it on his own. and as much as she hates me, she needs me. so sending her away seems wrong, even if it is just across town and then putting up with her crap is just as wrong. she will do nothing I ASK OF HER, let alone he ask her. somedays she even refuses to acknowledge eh spoke to her...and i mean, like he says...HI, how are you today?...
its a constant power struggle for her, i KNOW she is just dying for attention and is manipulating everythign to get her way, but she's a kid and she doesn't have a hot clue what she wants or needs. she's seeing a councillor for anger management, and past that, i'm at a loss.
every day is an egg shell experience, will she want to co operate and be here? or just see how much she can annoy everyone else here?
so....any ideas? how to make a child comply when they can call thier dad and walk out at anytime they dont' get their way?
and if you make them stay its really not any better......she is more harmful to others when she stays.

unfortunaelty for my kids, i seem to have an i'm here for the long haul attitude. i dont expect changes immediately or perfection
i guess i don't expect much at all....
hmmm i should change that!!!!!
and the sp is more likely to hit the "done, had enough of this shit button." and tune out.

having said all that. my dh is the most amazing man in the world and i know he wakes up every morning and is willing to try something new.
its one of those amazing things i love about him.
i've been very lucky in that his kids are totally fine with us and have never given us even a hint of issue, and i know i would not have stood up so well as he has, had our positions been reversed. Sad

and i love my kids. trouble makers that they are...i love them
Ok....they aren't bad all the time...not even most of the time. they are really cute when they sleep...
they have TONES of postive and potential in them, but yes, we need some US time....so we remember why it is we are together.
cuz i do think love can be bigger than these problems.
i do think we will make it through this
i'm not sure i'll still have hair...but i think i'll be breathing!

Comments

FutureSM's picture

Submitted by FutureSM on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 2:15pm

I just went through it, since my BF and I have been together, 2 weeks ago was our first ever child free weekend. I have been a single mom for 4 1/2 years, with her Biodad in prison. You can do it!!!

Angel's picture

Submitted by Angel on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 4:33pm

believer in doing the best for the kids and putting your love-life on hold. It sounds that those kids really need your full attention at this time. They might be feeling "in the way" and they shouldn't EVER feel like that, even for ONE minute.

tribe's picture

Submitted by tribe on Tue, 05/12/2009 - 6:05am

I couldn't agree more...that kids SHOULDN"T ever feel like that. and i talked with a few this weekend about just that. and made sure they knew that even if they FELT that way, it wasn't ever true. I think there is alot of competition between kids and ya, our philo is to just keep working at it, but they are dreaming if they think it will break us up.

StepG's picture

Submitted by StepG on Tue, 05/12/2009 - 7:48am

like you . She loves her son but she does nothing to discipline. SS back talks, disrespects, lies to her you name it and she always tries to overlook and see the good. What a load of crock. She knows the good in SS but she is not forcing him to live up to that when he is with her. SS is not that way at our house. He has tried lately to bring that attitude to his dad and I but we squash that real quick. Now his BM makes threats and all but never follows through and when she does get good and pissed off with SS and tries to enforce ruling SS laughs he thinks she is a joke and all I have to do is cry, bat my eyes, say I want my dad and everything will be ok or just be good for a couple days till she forgets.

Now you are very aware of your downfalls and the problems and that is the first step at correcting them. You just remember that allowing your children to act this way and not having a backbone with them is doing them the greatest diservice of their life. You are molding what sort of adults they will be. If you start stating a consequence and following through with it and sticking to your guns it make take a while but they will get the idea. Do not worry about the I am going to dad's routine. You have your time with them and it will be as you say.

As for your H. I do feel bad for him. I feel bad for BM's BF because of how SS acts at her home and BF is limited because he is not the SS parent and same with your H. I do not see how he does it and I could not live daily like that. Now I do not agree with putting off your happiness nor do I agree with kids feeling as though they are in the way but if you dish the consequence and stick to it they will get it and it will help the whole family dynamic and you will not feel they are ruining your chance at happiness. You are their mother not their best friend. You cannot act as their best friend because all the things you have mentioned will continue to happen.

I know you love your kids and can tell your are stressed over the current situation but from here on out love your kids enough to break bad on them and show them who is how and how to respect and treat others. How old are your 4 kids.

Sorry if this sounded harsh or offended. That was not my intentions but you recognize the problem and that is step 1 now step 2 is do something about it because the best thing for them is not the current situation. Do you get along with your ex? Does he feel same as you about the kids behavior? I sort of think not from the post but regardless of him you have to do something. Keep us posted and I hope things turn around for you.

tribe's picture

Submitted by tribe on Wed, 05/20/2009 - 9:07pm

lot to think about there
i'm not as permissive as i whined that day. just to understanding and accomodating...that's my nature
however the real problems are old.....that farce of a marriage. staying with someone who thinks completely opposite of you.
example.....2 weeks ago
dd-15 wants to go to a party.
i had asked her to babysit as a mommy's day present..and had asked her older bro-18 to stay too
dh and i planned to have baby asleep before we left..and dd weasels in a well if you are gonna be here till 11..can't i go out till then? and starts in on...well older bro is here, so she doesnt need to be. I SYMPATHIZE
let her go till 11~ (that is where thinking the best of them comes in. thinking they love and respect me and will do what they say) o the road to hell is paved with good intentions. at 12 i'm calling her cell phone and parked outside the house that the party is at. only now she is drunk and carrying on and saying doesnt' want to go home, cuz her brother is there..and is just gonna go stay with her dad instead. large fight..but u dont' win a fight with someone drinking. go back home, son has gone cuz he can't stand how dd acts. 2 hours later she shows up at her dad's, sleeps and chats with him
is still adimant it is somehow my fault for miscommunicating that i wanted her back her at 11. however she is now at her dad's and there is absolutely NO CONSEQUENCE for her abusive language to me, lack of respect, alcohol,missing curfew...etc. she leaves his house, hangs out with friends all day etc.
and it is not like he is unaware that she is AVOIDING my house, went to his house to avoid confrontation with me...and when i call him on it...he says...how am i supposed to know what you want me to do with her?
ya....there has only been one parent here
and she gets walked all over
and then talks it out days later and then, the same thing happens the next weekend
different kid
different situation
but same thing
run into conflict here
run to dad;s to avoid it