Saying it out loud reminds you of the reality
Hi everyone, been a little while.
Im currently on a beautiful vacation with DH and 'ours babies'
Random strangers love to approach us at the pool for example and comment on our adorable children, which is a lovely compliment and usually turns to a nice conversation with interesting people. But then DH will mention something about older skids and then of course the question "well where are the others?!" And when I respond "oh , they're with their mom!" It immediately creates an air of awkwardness that just lingers through the rest of the conversation. Unless of course we're lucky enough to encounter another blended family, which in that case there is empathy and a connection so strong like you've never felt so understood by anyone else in your life.
Anyway, what's so sad about it all, is that these vacations without skids are everything to me and so wonderful and while I know my DH loves and treasures every moment, there is inevitably that void and feeling like it could be better if "we were all together"
I'm not faulting him for feeling that way - I'd feel the same in his shoes! It just sucks that our reality is 'someone's always missing'
A reality that all these "intact" families can't even fathom or feel uncomfortable in the midst of even hearing the mention of it. I wish so badly that my reality was that my DH 'wanted for not' when just in the company of me and our babies.
- Tremaine0067's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
What begs the question with
What begs the question with me is, why does DH insist on breaking the bliss by even bringing them up? If the people you are meeting and talking with don't ask if you have older kids, then DH needs to stick with the conversation and not crush the vibe with his apparent need to assuage his guilt over them. He owes you and your LOs to not do that.
If someone asks, then absolutely bring up the Skids.
This model gives both scenarios a chance to result in a connection and discussion with the new people you meet while on your family vacations.
I would sit DH down and point this out and ask him to not do it any longer unless the people you are meeting ask the appropriate questions.
IMHO there is no need to inject hurt, discomfort, and separation in these situations. DH needs to enjoy you and your "ours babies" on these trips and not inject the SKs into it at all if they are not present.
Not the same scenario. However, when we were vacationing, we never brought up that I was StepDad. Ever. If someone asked, fine. But I do not recall a single time when anyone asked. When SS and I would be out and about just the two of us, there were many times over the CO years, and beyond, where someone we would talk with would comment how much alike were are, etc... We would just smile, laugh, and say thank you. We would have private chuckle when someone would say he looked just like me. We look nothing alike. Though I raised him so his speech inflections, mannerisms, etc... are me.
An interesting thing was that while SS was in HS and my DW would interface with the school at any level the assumption was that she was SM. Though her last name was different than SS's. When we were all three at school together, she would frequently be referred to as Mrs. (SpermIdiot's last name) because that was SS's last name. When they verbalized that assumption she would immediately correct them. It was even more fun when I was referred to by that last name. So, I nipped that immediately in the bud by handing my business card to anyone and everyone who we interfaced with. Cutting of the lack of brain activity/ DW started doing the same thing. We went through a crap ton of business cards during SS's school years. Of course this drove the gossips mad. and resulted in many whisper fests after DW would engage. But, not our problem.
Enjoy your vacation and do not avoid having the talk with DH on this. His baggage has no place in detracting from yours and your "ours babies" live enjoyment. Particularly when his baggage is not present.
IMHO.
Why do they bring it up?
Because Guilty Daddy syndrome.
Im on team "I don't give a shit about why they bring it up."
They need to STFU and focus on their mate and their joint children on the vacation they are on rather than polluting that vacation with guilty daddy bullshit over their past failed family breeding choices. That they bring this shit up and undermine the joy of others is all I care about. What matters. Why, is often a waste of time when it comes to the behaviors of people.
If the SKids are present, great. If not, why give them a thought or allow their looming shadow ruin a trip for those that are present and deserve daddy's focus and energy rather than daddy's brooding guilty failed family bullshit .
Yep, more evidence of my black and white world. Gray has a place. That place is not where it can ruin other peoples experiences because of someone else's bullshit and baggage.
IMHO of course.
Honestly, I'm not sure Ive
Honestly, I'm not sure Ive ever read a comment from Rags that I didn't love!
Hear, hear!
Tremaine, that makes two of us!
Yes!
That makes 3 of us.
Totally Agree
However as this guy said to me when I explained the Guilty Daddy syndrome that Chef was experiencing at the time during the bad ol' days, he replied "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving."
Well if this were an ideal
Well if this were an ideal world where "all the kids could be together with their siblings on every vacation" then DH would have
But he did NONE of these as his choice. That doesn't mean he gets to trauma dump his guilt for his choices onto you anytime a stranger asks about his kids with his first wife/BM.
There is always that narrative (from guilt riddled previously divorced Disney parents or people who have never been stepparents) that the sun rises and set on the whims of these poor "neglected" skids .... not saying there aren't some nefarious stepparents who want to get rid of their stepkids but more than likely we as the step parents are the ones being traumatized by the step-kid-centric lifestyle (where our relationship, our needs, and heck even our own kids get deprioritized when skids are around) that we DID NOT sign up for ... so those skids are with their BMs (during her scheduled parenting time) right where they belong so we can have the balance in our relationship that we deserve!
To h3ll with non stepparents and Disney parents who cannot and will not comprehend this.
Also I had a similar situation where the Disneyland dad I used to deal with took me on a date and his cousin saw us out and was like "where are your kids" and he said "with their mom" ... it took everything I had not to say "if you're so concerned about where they are then you must want to take them on the weekend?!?" Or "why are you so concerned about where his kids are?"
"Take those kids for ONE full weekend and I bet you'll NEVER ask that dumb a$$ question again mfer!"
Bravo!
Ugh, just thank you. Thank
Ugh, just thank you. Thank you for validating my feelings. A luxury one never receives from non-steppparents.
Nope. No validation from them.
Nope. No validation from them. Those people are all about the kids and the fee fees rather than reality.
SParents are far more often than not the only ones with anything remotely resembling clarity in all of it.
IMHO of course.
The invariable "You knew what you were getting into." or "You knew he/she had kids." or "But their just kids." are the ultimate bullshit polished turd statements. Yep, we knew our mate had kids. What we did know and cannot tolerate is that those kids are ill behaved rude manipulative shits and that their parent in the blended family opposition is a waste of skin and not worth the piss it would take to put them out the flames if they were on fire.
What is most sad is the number of our mates who have no spine or testicular fortitude to deal with any of it effectively and that the kids for some reason, more often than not, drink the noxious Kool-Aid served up by the manipulative parent.
Dammit, Lilly!
Your post made me laugh so hard that I snorted tea through my nose; it was milky, with sugar, so the snort was unpleasant. Since laughter is good for the soul, you're forgiven.
I guess the reality is that
I guess the reality is that it is a bit sad that families split up. That his kids aren't on vacation with dad. It may be because BM won't allow them to... etc.. but when people hear someone is divorced.. perhaps it makes them think of the possibility of what their life would be like if they were divorced too.
The bottom line.. we all do the best we can with the cards we are dealt. Sometimes things go better than others.
I don't think it's wrong for your DH to bring up his kids.. he is a father to those kids 100% of the time.. even if he is only physically supervising them 50%. I think it's weird to try to erase their existence tbh... no everything is "not all about them".. but you can bring something up without it being the one and only focus.
IMO it is about reading the room.
On a vacation with a new mate and new young ours kids speaking with others with new young kids, bringing up the first failed family kids may not be appropriate. Why undermine the good time with the newer set of LOs and wizz on the legs of the new acquaintances?
I agree that the first set should not be erased, however, they should also not be used to crush the bliss of the new mate and the newer LOs. Particularly when the are not even present.
If the conversation is not aligned with discussing the absent CODs, don't mention them.
It would irk me to no end if we had been the NCP household with fresh spawn of our own and my DW would have injected absent SS unnecessarily into vacation conversations with new acquaintances who had kids the same age as our fresh ours kids.
I experienced something similar only once in our marriage. For years my DW would not go on vacations with my family if SS was in SpermLand on visitation. I did not protest this for the first few times. Then, I told her that I was no longer foregoing my family events and vacations because SS was in SpermLand and that I would appreciate if DW would participate but that I was going with or without her. That was in relation to a family vacation to the coast that included my parents and my brother and his family, and us. It was booked in advance and we were invited from day one. In the intervening months the SpermClan chose their specific period of the COd 5wk summer visitation that included the week of my family trip. DW refused to go without SS. I told her I was going with or without her. DW was irritated with me over that until I pointed out that he was doing all kinds of things with the SpermClan during visitation that we did not do with him. Why was that okay and us enjoying ourselves while he was gone not okay? I told her that if we did stuff that we thought SS would enjoy while he was on SpermLand visitation, that we could take him to do it when he got home. DW was a bit subdued and sulky during that trip. She occasionally would say that she missed our kid. I would say "Me too." Then either actively change the subject or ignore that sulk period and engage with what was going on rather than diving into the missing of the kid. But after that trip, she adjusted.
Just my thoughts of course.
"Well, where are the others?"
"Well, where are the others?"
"We sold them." But you HAVE to deadpan it
"Where are the others?" is a
"Where are the others?" is a little bit of an intrusive question, imo. And then for the conversation to turn awkward? Wake up, folks. This ain't Little House on the Prairie any longer.
"Don't know...
It's not my turn to hold the leash."
Haha!! I just may try that
Haha!! I just may try that next time
Non step family menbers
Don't understand, the gooding on vacation [ fun times ] with out all the kids. They would not leave one of there kids home. Non step family's don't understand the dynamics of step family's. That it's not one big happy family. That BM is filling the kids head with Step mother hate. That SM doesn't want to go on vacation with Kidd who hate her. Don't listen to her dint respect her.
SM has her bio kids who love and respect her. Who she wants to give a good life to.
Exactly, and it's not like
Exactly, and it's not like skids don't get their share of fun vacation. BM takes them all over the world, so they're doing just fine.
I get a wish that things
I get a wish that things could be perfect.. but I really think that everyone needs to figure out a way to accept their reality.. and if it isn't acceptable.. then fix it.
Obv.. once you decide to have kids with someone that already has kids.. you have made that choice.. and tbh.. wishing for a different reality is prety useless.. and doesn't serve anyone well... so some way.. we need to accept that this is the life we made. and we will move forward with the best intentions possible.
The time to decide that the end all, be all we want is to have our "little family unit".. is before you enter into a relationshp with someone that already has appendage familly.. children.. find a man without children.. or accept that they will be a factor..
That is in no way saying "you knew what you were getting into" in the full sense of life.. not every aspect of steplife is apparent at the outset.. but the basic fact that the kids exist.. is almost 100% known before most of us decide to forge forward with the relationship. I get the rare case of pop up child.. this is not typical.
I mean.. yes.. would my life be simpler with my dh if his kids never existed? sure.. but they do, no point being sad about a fact that I chose to accept in staying with him.. If it was a huge deal? then I should have cut and run long ago.
So, perhaps part of the awkwardness you may be feeling is your own feelings about his kids not being able to be on vacation... the reality is that most people are not that deep thinking about things.. they may ask where they are.. thinking they are somewhere else.. have kids their age.. or just asking general questions to fill dead air..
If you feel they are asking things that are too personal.. you can always use the "oh.. why did you want to know?"..
But, a lot of times we overanalyze these situations..and the other people may not in any way be reacting the way we thinik they are.
I hear what you're saying,
I hear what you're saying, and my little vent on here isn't necessarily saying I wish I could remove the truck loads of baggage my DH brought to our marriage , because the reality is that I just as easily could have walked away had I any idea what I would be getting in to, but ah the naïveté of a honeymoon period.
This vent is more my way of grieving the fact that I never got a family vacation with my DH and babies without my DH missing other kids or feeling something of "incomplete" But I've made choices that led me to reproducing with a man who had prior children with another woman and I'm grateful my DH is the most incredible father to our children, really to all his children. He is the man he is today who I love BECAUSE of his truckloads of baggage. I'm just finding a safe space on steptalk to share my intermittent sadness of not being his "only" family. It's okay to grieve that for a stepmom. It's part of acceptance. I'm just stating the reaction from a complete stranger can be jolting at times, but I'm otherwise very happy with the life I chose. There's just a high chance that I'll complain from time to time on steptalk whereas I'll express sincere gratitude to my husband and family rather than on here.
I understand... I get that we
I understand... I get that we all wish we could have perfect lives.. but being thankful is important.. especially for a man willing to take vacations without holding you and your bios hostage to his kid's schedule and availability.. I'm sure he has his "in a perfect worlds.. too".. we all do I guess.
And I hear what YOU are saying, Tremaine!
I understand exactly what you’re saying, Tremaine. One of the things that I admired most about my DH was the way that he parented his son and daughter. He was a strict but loving, hands-on dad, who insisted on decent behaviour and good performance at school. He also took them to historical sites (as well as Disneyland) and taught them respect for other races, ethnicities and their values.
Because he was affectionate towards and supportive of my own 3 children (my 2 daughters who were away at uni when we married and my young son), I felt that it was incumbent upon me to make the same efforts towards his teenage son and daughter.
Of course, the fly in the ointment, as is common with fathers and their daughters, was the barrage of hatred from my jealous SD, who felt supplanted. Finally, the atmosphere in our home (where I was beginning to feel like an unwelcome outsider, hiding out in my bedroom), became so hostile that I was ready to bail. After an explosive confrontation between me and SD (I backhanded her shrieking, cursing, nasty little face, not my finest hour), DH arranged for family counselling. The counsellor recommended that DH temporarily give up his 50/50 custody of SD and have her remain, full-time, with BM until we were able to achieve a détente.
During the following 6 months without his daughter, my DH was morose, i.e. reluctant to buy a Christmas tree, enjoy weekend getaways or engage in any of our usual family pursuits. However, as difficult as it was for him to accept that his DD was responsible for our unhappiness, he did recognize the toll that her hostility was taking on our marriage and family life.
During the times that my beloved SS (we hit it off from the get-go and are still very close), my bio son and DH were out and about and because my SS looks like me, with blue eyes, curly hair and dimples, folks assumed that he was also my son and that the 4 of us were a family. I treasured those times.
Thankfully, we were never asked why SD was absent from our outings, despite the fact that DH, as a teacher/principal for decades, was well known in our town. Maybe because SD returned to us, humbled, after 6 months? Her mother’s PAS bit her in her butt, as her week free of childcare was disrupted when her difficult DD became a full-time resident. BM was a partier extraordinaire; the inability to welcome her various bed-warmers, during the previous off-week that she enjoyed, scuppered her romantic exploits.
So yes, I share your sadness at not having been the ‘only family’ while still acknowledging my DH’s love for and commitment to his biological children. That devotion and positive involvement is part and parcel of what makes him the man that I love so dearly.
See, that's the irony of it!
See, that's the irony of it! If he didn't feel sad about not having all his children present, then he simply wouldn't be the man I love. I think it may just boil down to me being sad to not be the mother of *all* his children. But this is why I appreciate this site so much - to feel a connection and understanding with so many people in similar situations , knowing that none of us are actually "stepmonsters" that Disney had a field day with. No, we're just stepparents in really challenging circumstances just trying to find our way.
Thanks for sharing your story. Though it sounds like you have a good man! That's what makes the difference.
Right on, Tremaine!
...it sounds like you have a good man! That's what makes the difference.
Absolutely! DH's attractive ex-wife became bored with a husband who worked two jobs in order to pay down the mortgage on a country home that she’d insisted upon. Straitened finances resulted in insufficient funds for nights out, new clothes and vacations and she became involved with a flashy, wealthy European who wined and dined her as well as providing her with expensive gifts.
The ex-wife filed for divorce, devastating my DH, who was willing to take her back despite her adultery. I snapped up yon handsome, kind, generous and solvent (he’d earned a major promotion with a substantial raise in pay) cutie with much gratitude towards the woman who’d given him the toss!
Before long, the ex-wife’s benevolent Casanova also became bored and fled to Italy, seeking younger prey and Mr. grannyd, working only one job and lavishing me with gifts and nights out (the mortgage was paid!), became far more attractive to his exe's jaded eye. Too bad, Ms. Adulteress; no take-backs! By that time, DH was madly in love with moi and talking marriage. The rest is history.
I’ve never met a finer man (although Dad came close) than my DH; he is honest, decent, kind, supportive and ethical. Being with him has made me a better person.
So yes, Hon, I have a good man and it appears that you have been equally blessed.
That sounds similar to my
That sounds similar to my situation. DH married BM while they were both embarking on demanding careers, had 3 children, and she snapped shortly after the youngest was born. Made egregious claims about DH, tried to get full custody and essentially take away his livelihood, tried to turn all mutual friends and family against him. He tried to make it work, to no avail, but was able to get 50/50 and all friends and family (even BM family) still hold him in very high regard. We met about a year after the divorce and have been happily married and he proves every day he's not the monster she claimed he was or wanted him to be. Meanwhile BM has had a revolving door of boyfriends and no one seems to stick around longer than a few months. Karma is something!
Being the proverbial town cocksman or town bicycle as the case
may be, has consequences.
For my XW, it cost her credibility, a place in the community and ultimately a shit ton of money as her DH#2 GrandPa sugar/baby daddy dumped her cheating ass after their second OOWL spawn was born and they married. Why? Because she came up pregnant by yet another cheat buddy. G-Paw kicked her ass out just before her entire family was nailed by the business owner that my XMIL had worked for over 30 years embezzling $Millions. XW was hit with a juge sum to pay back as her share of the civil suit results. XMIL was arrested by the FBI as they all walked out of court for the final civil hearing.
My SS's SpermIdiot is the male version of my XW. He was slinging his Johnson in the direction of every underage teen girl he could catch the attention of. Fortunately, my DW was far more than intelligent enough to recognize what he was and dump his ass after SS was born. Where my XW went on to at least two more DH's and three all out of wedlock spawn, two being cheat babies, the Spermidiot spawned 3 more OOWL by to additional baby mamas while periodically calling my bride with tearful sobs of his undying love for her and missing his faaaaaaammmmmiiiiiilllllllyyyyyy.
All while continuing to impregnate every available womb in the Pac NW.
Meanwhile 30 years later and back at the ranch, my bride and I are living a wonderful life of adventure together while building a love for the ages proudly watching our son live a life of honor, character, and standing in his profession and community.
When a good person finds themselves with one of these, it is imperative that the good person not abandon their character, forgives themselves, and takes a do-over to move past the trash and onto a wonderful life.
It is an amazing thing to make a life with someone who has succeeded in spite of a period of polluting life with one of .... those.
We are all a product of our choices and pasts. What matters is what we do with the now and the future.
Living well is what we owe ourselves, our mate, the kids, and never forget how satisfying it is that it is also the best revenge against ...... them.
Blessed Karma!
After 20 years (DH and I have been married for almost 40), my husband’s ex-wife married a short, odd-looking man with a high, squeaky voice who, before he retired, worked as a carpenter’s helper. I’m not disparaging the fellow or his looks as he seems like a decent guy, only presenting a comparison with my handsome, fit (he’s the same weight that he was 60 years ago), professional, solvent partner. My guy has a fine, baritone voice, works out 3 days a week, ice skates, roller-blades, cross-country skis, and, at 80 years old, still romances me. (Hope that’s not TMI?)
His ex-wife, at age 77, continues to work due to the hefty mortgage on her home whereas DH retired at age 55. When I married him, he insisted that I stop working as he loved coming home to a well-cooked dinner, a clean house and a happy wife so I was able to devote much of my time to my favourite hobbies and charitable work. Because of inheritances and affluent parents, there was no need to concern myself with destitution in the event that my marriage failed, although there was no danger of that happening since DH and I adore one another.
We have travelled the world; Europe, China, all of the U.S. states, Canadian provinces and much more whereas DH’s ex has been unable to afford journeying much beyond her home town. At times, I almost feel sorry for her but then I recall her rudeness, every time she phoned to talk to one of her children, and give my head a shake.
You’ve mentioned:
…made egregious claims about DH, tried to get full custody and essentially take away his livelihood, tried to turn all mutual friends and family against him.
It’s crazy, how often the partner who cheats and instigates a divorce considers herself/himself the injured party, then attacks and vilifies the victim of the fallout. I’ll never understand how those people manage to change the past and white-wash their behaviour. I suppose that a guilty conscience does inexplicable things, yes?
You and your KISA enjoy living your revenge!!!!! Er I mean....
You and your KISA enjoy living your revenge!!!!! Er I mean your best lives together.
btw KISA = Knight In Shining Armor.
I love a good outcome while the Xs flounder around after trying to destroy those we recognized as amazing partners. Our marriage has this on both sides. Good people who found each other, are dedicated to each other and who each has a tragic cesspool of crap in our past relationship that has continually crashed and burned over the years.
Is that mean of me?
My preference would be that the Xs move on and become decent people. But, when they are incapable of that, so be it for them.
It’s been
my experience that the person who "causes" the divorce really believes that they can reach back and have whatever they want from the old relationship, whether it's joint holidays, help with house and car upkeep, or a continued support system because they were the one who instigated the breakup. They seem to believe that their now ex is still, and will always be, pining for them. And so when their former spouse begins a new relationship they're shocked and majorly pissed that they're being denied what they still see as "their's." And so the PAS begins in full force out of spite.
Only if we let them.
My XW tried it. She had a fixation on cars. After my mom took her the anniversary gift car from my dad after leaving it for XW's use after we married, XW was hell bent to get a new car. To the point she wanted me to buy her a car after she had moved out and in with GrandPa sugar/baby daddy. I had purchased a truck just after we married. I wrecked it about 5mos before she moved out. I purchased a new one after the insurance settled. After mom took her care back XW was left with the beater she had when we married.
Her philosophy was that I had a new car and she didn't so I owed her one. On that logic, I told her fine. since I had 3 cars when we married and I only had one at that point, she could buy me one and herself one instead of buying me two. She lost her mind over that.
These types seem to miss the element of reality that once the split happens, they are irrelevant. It is critical that we never let them... forget that fact when they crawl out from under their rock.