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Feel like everybody is against me (very long sorry :( )

Toughjob's picture

I have four tough jobs, first two I can handle: being a mom to two teens and working full-time in an office. Second two are the hardest: stepmom to a teen and wife to a deployed soldier.

My husband deployed back in June. He has twin boys from previous marriage. One of the boys live with his mom (due to he pulled a knife on one of my kids, angry at me, yelled at me, and punched his father). The other twin was placed in the juvenile facility for fights, drugs, and thefts. Right before my husbands deployment,, the twins mom informed my husband she couldn't handle both boys due to she has 4 other kids of her own. My husband tried to find anyone to watch his son after his release from juvie whilst deployed but every single one of them stated he was way too much to handle. So I was last resort.

I went to every single court date for my stepson, I visited him in juvie (only one who visited him) I sent money for him to buy basic supplies. I also worked on getting him back into regular school (he was expelled from 4 schools due to truancies, fights and drugs). When he was released the first time I picked him up. Within two weeks he cut off his ankle bracelet and was missing for a week. So he was back in juvie. I requested for him to go to drug counseling camp which he did. Once again I was the one who visited him. When he was released I brought him home.

First few days were fine, I was managing. Trying to get all boys to get along. Within a week he started cutting class at the school I begged for a second chance. I asked his dad who was deployed to call and talk to him. To see if that was getting to him. All went down hill. My stepson did not come home some nights, sometimes he did but you could tell he was on drugs. I had the police over twice to talk to him when he kept running away. But nothing helped. His dad called again and tried to tell him he needs to follow rules etc. His aunt contacted me to say I haven't updated her on how my husbands deployment is. I expressed what was happening w my stepson. She stated he needs to be emancipated, out of the house. She was offering to come by and "yell" at him to get sense back. But she said he cannot go to her house. I declined her offer. He didn't need yelling at, he needed to see more than me supporting him. Within another week the school kicked him out for carrying controlled substance.

After his father skyped with him one last time, my stepson decided to runaway again. This time he left a goodbye note. Saying due to his dads deployment and upsetting him he can't stay. He took $100 from my boys piggy bank, one of their iPods and a bag of clothes. I was hurt. I gave the info to the police. Within two days my stepson left a vm saying he is ok. I told his dad I didn't know what else to do. I was basically alone. His dad said to toss his clothes and focus on my boys and try to get through this deployment. ( this was only October).

One week later I received a call from a police officer. My stepson was passed out in a park, high on computer cleaner, weed and cough syrup. He was also drunk from vodka. He was rushed to the hospital. I was told I need to come due to he is a minor. I sent a message to his dad about an emergency. I left my boys at home alone and rushed to the hospital. Stepson was hooked up on oxygen due to his heart rate and difficulty breathing. When he saw me he started balling. He kept saying he is sorry, his moms never there, his dads gone and he didnt mean to take the money. His dad was able to call and spoke to my stepson which my stepson responded that I'm the only one who is always there. It did bring tears to my eyes.

I left the hospital at 4am to get two hours of sleep and get my sons up for school. After dropping them off at school my stepson was released. I brought him home gave him some of his dads pjs and went to work for a few hours. I contacted his probation officer and she wanted to pick him up for the numerous violations. I went home at lunch, chit chatted w my stepson until his po picked him up. I turned on the tv and noticed something was ordered on pay perview During a four hour time frame my stepson ordered 8 pornographic movies. I was like man anything else.

Few days later his probation officer called to say my stepson had another court date. I couldn't do it anymore. I was drained. I couldn't let my stepson think I will always bail him out. So I didn't have to go. He was sent to juvie for a month, the po tried to see if I would be there to get him. I told her to try his family first I have gone through so much. Nobody else offered. His father called to say he needs to go in placement. Two weeks later, my stepson left a message saying if I wanted to start talking again, and if I would visit him. A week after that I received a letter from him saying how upset and hurt he is at me for calling his po. He can't believe I got him arrested. He stated that he thought I loved him. That letter made me collapse to my knees in tears. I ripped up the letter and cried. I told his dad what happened, and he asked me to mail the letter to him, even though its ripped. So I did. I expressed to his father that this was my final straw. All I have done and my stepson put the blame on me. My husband contacted the court and stated my stepson cannot have anymore contact with me.

Two weeks go by and I receive a bill for $8000 in my name for my stepsons time in juvie. The courts want my income and me to pay. I was listed as "mother". I contacted the courts to say I am not his mom I need the bill to be sent to his dad and his mom. I had to get a letter, proof I wasn't the mom and an address of his mom. I received another letter stating the courts could garnish my wages. So I am non stop getting my name removed. I explained to my husband what is occurring. ( when my husband comes home we will be just depending on my income). He contacted the courts finally my name is cleared.

Stepsons aunt emailed me again due to I haven't kept them updated on how my husband is doing. I explained what occurred, and she was like he needs to be emancipated on his own, old enough to know right from wrong. I expressed how hard it was to get my name listed as mother from the court papers.

Past few weeks were ok, until recently my husband called to say that his twins have been non stop calling my husbands mom. That his son can have at home visits. He then informed me that his aunt allowed and okd his son to have weekend visits with her. I was shocked. He stated how he received a letter from his son basically saying that his dad has left him for this new family and that his old family is there for him.

My husband emailed his aunt, and she did admit that his son does visit. She states he is doing great, how teens will be teens. She cannot believe I made the courts take mother off of the court papers and how I won't visit. She states that when my husband comes home he needs to work on the family due to the boys didn't asked to be born. She stated that my stepson never blames me, or states that he started new life. But she still never gets regular updates from me how my husband is doing. I was so hurt. I'm like nobody wanted to help. Nobody was there, and now she is there. I made a website for his family with updates so they can check, after three months of them not looking I stopped. I had my boys to take care of too, I also worked. Having to do the basic daily routine on my own is tough and draining.

Now it turns out that my husbands mother, few different aunts are all visiting my stepson. Saying to my husband how much he has changed, give him another chance. Where were they before the deployment? Where were they when my stepson needed his family? Now they want a pat on the back for great help.

My husband comes home next month. The courts want to know if his son should stay in this residential program or released. I have my concerns, the tension between my boys and his will be high. The trust he broke from me, the hurt he caused, the blame he and also his aunt put on me. My husband leaves again in august, if my stepsons home will it be same thing.

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

I think his good behavior is probably temporary and you should just stay away. Its hard. Addicts are difficult to deal with and hard to change.

Willow2010's picture

WOOOOW. You have gone 100000 times above the effort I would have made for my SS. Yet, it feels like you feel bad for not doing enough!!...? I hope that is not the case.

He would not be allowed in my home for a long time. Who cares what DH's family says? Like I said, you should be commended for what you have done. Who cares what others want you to do.

Enjoy your kids and if DH pushes it, I still would not let the kid back.

stormabruin's picture

What a load to bear! (((Hugs))) & prayers to you.

I think if your husband was going to be home & be available to you & his son, maybe it'd be worth giving it shot to have him back in your home...MAYBE, so that your husband could be the caretaker & the obligated person to take the abuse from his child. But the fact that your husband will be leaving again...I just don't see how that would fair well for you or your boys, at all, having a kid who has proven to be an untrustworthy, irresposible, user back in your home.

You have given him all of your heart, & he has broken it numberous times. Bless you for trying, sweetie, but don't put you & your boys in the postition to let him hurt you again.

If your husband's family wants to take credit for hard work done, you let them take him. If they truly believe he has changed & if they truly believe he deserves YET ANOTHER chance, let them be the ones to give it to him.

This responsibility should have NEVER been made yours. You obviously have a very forgiving, open, & kind heart. I hope your stepsons will recognize that some day. If they don't, it won't be because you didn't do enough to show them. It will be because they've been allowed to place blame on everyone else & have never been made to own the consequences for their choices.

I know it's easier said than done, but please don't let your stepson, your husband, or the rest of the family make you feel guilty for any of what has happened. Of all of those people, YOU have been the ONLY one there for a child who isn't even yours. YOU have been the ONLY one who had ANY faith in this kid.

You cannot help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. You've done everything in your power to give this boy a chance. Now, let him figure things out. Make him work for himself to figure out where he'll go next. Let it be to his aunts house, or his grandmothers house. Hell, let him stay in the program if they aren't willing to take on that responsibility. Do not feel obligated to take him in, yet again.

When your husband comes home, enjoy your time with him. When he is deployed, take care of you & take care of your boys. They're the ones who will appreciate you & the efforts you make to help them feel happy in life. (((Hugs)))

hismineandours's picture

You've done way too much already. It reminds me a little of my situation-although I dont have anything that extreme going on. My dh also deployed at one point and ss stayed with bm-I choose not to visit with ss as he would not respect or listen to me and had threatened to kill my son and had been aggressive with him many times. In the meantime, dh's mom started driving 6 hours eowe to pick up ss to visit with him-I found out months' later. She didnt even see ss before dh was deployed or all the years prior when I was having so many problems with ss while dh was out of town. I also got negativity if I didnt call and check on them or keep them updated.

Ugh-do these people not think we have enough to do when our men are deployed? I was working full time, raising my 3 kids and yet I still must be the one to initiate all contact with the inlaws? Needless to say I didnt.

Please dont feel bad. These kids are messed up. Seriously. Continually "rescuing" him does not help him in the long run-let him hit rock bottom and tehn maybe he will finally remove his head from his azz and realize that his problem is himself-not that his mom and dad havent been there enough or you turned him in to his p.o. His time with the aunt will be limited-I bet your booties. He will get tired of it there-steal from her and be on his way (of course you will probably be blamed somehow for not adequately warning her!)

stronggirl's picture

they are just trying to manipulate you as is your SS...you tried your hardest and did more than most would have...do not give in...you do not want that around your other children because that does not go away without alot of hard work. Keep your head up and don't worry about what they are saying. I know that it hurts, but everyone knows the truth about who acutally did what!