You are here

Gaslighting

Toofreeforthis's picture

Submitted by Toofreeforthis on Sun, 09/16/2018 - 3:28pm

Hi. I'm new. I feel like I should announce myself like in AA. I'm toofreeforthis and I'm marrying a man with kids. 

I've been lurking and reading on steptalk for months. I've disengaged when the skids are here. My issue is with my DH to be. I feel like he treats me differently when his kids are here. We live together and only have the skids (12 SS and 11 SD) every other weekend. The kids are fine-just your typical kids. My own kids are 21 and 18 and away at college-thus the "free" in my name. 

Anyway, DH acts so differently when his kids are here. Forced and fake. Although I understand his Disney Dad complex, it grosses me out. Everything his kids create is the MOST fabulous MOST wonderful thing EVER!!! When I am lukewarm and disengaged, I'm the issue. So here is my issue and question:

i know that I get edgy when the kids are here, especially if I'm pms-y. But I feel that he is also extra impatient with me. He snaps at me angrily in ways that very rarely happen when it's just the two of us. He contends that it just me. That I ruin his time with his previous offspring. Thing is he and his kids can act however they might choose and nobody would make the slightest remark. But my behavior is under a microscope and resented if it's not Mary Poppins perfect. 

I know it's only a small percentage of our time together, but I won't change and it would be a constant source of pain if he kept making me feel like I'm disappointing him. 

Sigh. How many times have I said I would never date anyone with schoolaged kids? This man though...he is one of a kind. Lost right now. Every fight feels like an all or nothing decision as to our entire relationship. 

Comments

Areyou's picture

Submitted by Areyou on Sun, 09/16/2018 - 3:38pm

If you are feeling this way then it’s not the right relationship. I’m trying to leave my DH  of 2 1/2 years for many reasons. He also snaps at me, is short tempered, and divides time between me and skids like we aren’t family. Although he has good qualities there are enough not so good qualities for me to leave. Skids are not the easiest to be around either. Sometimes I try to convince myself that blended families are hard and that maybe things will work itself out but I know in  my heart that it’s not the right situation for me and my lifestyle. I just have to listen to my instincts.

Listen to your heart. If someone is treating you badly, maybe he’s not the one. I now understand why DHs ex wife left him.

Toofreeforthis's picture

Submitted by Toofreeforthis on Sun, 09/16/2018 - 3:51pm

Good point. I often think about why he divorced. He tells me she caused arguments, but now I wonder whether he just always has to be right. He fights with logic and reason and I end up feeling unsure of myself by the time it calms down. And I find myself apologizing. What the heck?!

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 09/17/2018 - 12:34am

4 days out of 30.  If it’s only the four days that one thing,  if it’s happing all 30 days that a nother thing.  Remember.  There are multiple ways you can get the kids 24/7 365 

Toofreeforthis's picture

Submitted by Toofreeforthis on Mon, 09/17/2018 - 7:24am

Thank you for all your responses. It is so helpful to be able to express myself so openly. 

Mystic18's picture

Submitted by Mystic18 on Tue, 09/18/2018 - 8:54am

a custody change can happen when you least expect it.  I NEVER thought DH's ex would relinquish custody.  I rolled the dice and I lost.  SS has been with us full time for 3 months now and it's awful.  We used to have so much fun.