For those of you with Older PASed out Skids
Who haven't set foot in your houses for weeks, months or years. It DOES get easier over time for your SO/DH. It's a sad state of affairs and of course, should be prosecuted for the crime it is against the children, however, the western world winks at it via the court system and various governmental agencies.
And similar to a death, the mourning will eventually lighten. We have not seen nor heard from Chef's three since 2008-2009 other than what I see on my clandestine social media accounts. Chef barely remembers their birthdates now. He has been fully welcomed over the years by my grown bios so there's that. And now he can be a grandparent for my granddaughter from Awesomeson and his bride.
As for advice, no matter how you feel about the BM and the skids (usually quite negatively in most cases), you just have to commiserate as best you can and keep him occupied with other events, projects, etc. to keep him from dwelling on the crime that the "mother of his child(ren)" has committed.
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Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing this.
I hope it does get easier for DH. I think once we are done with the court crap and graduation and CS are over, DH can begin to heal and just let go.
I agree keeping him busy helps. Especially during the holiday's. Last year I was good with getting him to focus on the 3 we have at home (my bios and SS22).
In my case..I think it gets easier....
However, DH is learning that he really needed some professional help in dealing with the aftermath of GWR. His avoidance of dealing with the grief has hindered him our marriage and his other relationships with SD and DD/DS.
So...I would say it gets easier..but they have got deal with the grief/aftermath..not just avoid it.
A moment of silence for those
A moment of silence for those of us who's step kids are still very much a part of our lives haha. I WISH Little Idiot (SD22.5) PASed out (sorry DH) but it would make my life so much easier. I can only imagine the fortune we are going to shell out this Christmas on her. Already spent $$$$ on plane tickets for her and Goofy plus I'm sure what will be very expensive gifts, dinners out etc. All for the privilege of having to cook and clean for them and be invaded while they stay up all night and sleep till noon.
Same here. My SSs have been
Same here. My SSs have been PA'd enough that they regularly tell DH he is "lying" about everything and tell him all the things he should be doing, all the money he should be spending on them (or paying BM), how much he is failing as a father and on and on. They also report back every little detail of our home to BM. This, despite the fact that they are almost 17. They still come over, but one barely interacts with DH (unless DH is interacting with DD, in which case SS desperately needs DH's attention) and the other stays for about 12 hours and then leaves...and then acts as if DH is the one who doesn't want to see him. They continue to cause so much drama and bring so much negative energy into our house that I wish they would just stay away.
I think my DH has still gone through a mourning process of not being a parent to these kids and still holds out hope that someday they will see that BM has not been truthful with them, but I'm doubtful. I just hope they fade off into the sunset as adults and we see them for perfunctory holiday gatherings, rather than constant complaining or butting in to our lives to tell us how DH has ruined theirs.
This sounds so familiar
This sounds so familiar. Are the skids, DH and BM all following a twisted script of some sort?
It's so predictable you'd
It's so predictable you'd think there would be a way to prevent it by now.
There does seem to be a
There does seem to be a script... or at least a playbook of some sort. It's like all HCBMs share a brain or something.
This is exactly why kids need their noses rubbed in the facts
constantly when they are subjected to a toxic influence in their blended family lives.
Facts are neither good not bad. They are merely facts.
Kid noses, meet the stench of the behaviors of your toxic lying manipulative parent. If their noses are impregnated with the stench of the facts and they choose to drink the PASing Kool-Aid, that is on them.
Either way, there should be zero tolerance for them to be allowed to spout this crap and buy into the manipulation lies and PAS un-confronted.
IMHO of course.
It definitely is a morning
It definitely is a morning process. I think for my husband his sadness about SD peaked when I was pregnant with my first, much to my frustration. SD had recently gotten a cell phone and DH could no longer blame BM for interfering with his relationship with SD. Now that SD had a cell phone it was her choice not to talk to him.
He is mostly over it from what I can tell. Of course he's not happy about the situation with SD and we only see her maybe once every other month with absolutely zero communication in between. I think he was on the way to getting over it once our children got to toddlerhood. He would get home and they would run to him saying Daddy and give him a hug and be super affectionate and happy to see him. It's a lot more gratifying to enjoy the children in front of you then wish for the affections of the one that refuses to talk.
I feel like it's taboo to say this but having a do-over family seem to heal my husband's loss of SD. He makes an effort to do a lot of things right with our kids that he was not able to do with SD. I know at times he must think about SD and the failure of him as a parent to her and the failure of his first marriage but there is no doubt that he is happy with how things are now with us. And I'm happy that he isn't guilty about it.
I would also add (at least in my situation)
There is an ebb and flow. As JRI calls it the dance of intimacy. This is my third time (and profile) on step talk. Things settled down quite a bit for me and I took a big sigh of relief and deleted my profile thinking "ok we've found the new normal in regards to his adult kids" SURPRISE!!! Just kidding watch this. New curve balls thrown. Last year was hell, which prompted me to return to stalk and not delete ever again. I need you guys to help keep me in touch with the reality. LOL
Welcome BACK!
Welcome back.
Even with my blended family adventure fading into the sunset of history as SS-30 thrives and the three of us (SS, DW, and be) continue to be close, I continue to STalk.
My name is Rags, and I am a STalk-a-holic.
Agree. DH is better now this
Agree. DH is better now this year than any other. He made a conscious decision to learn how to deal with OSDs departure from his life (almost 5 years now, she'll be 19 soon) and did serious work with his therapist. He was very difficult to live with for a couple years but he's turning it around and is much more 'himself' now. There's still times when he gets down (milestones like her birthday, Xmas, father's day), and I can only hope this Xmas is a little happier than the last several ones where he was simply disengaged from it all, including YSD. Speaking of YSD, she's not been over hardly at all since school began and I know he's worried she'll do the disappearing as well, but I don't think so. The two of them text fairly frequently and she does make an effort to be here on random weekends when nothing better is going on in her world/BMs world so there's that. But DH also told me the other night that without both of them here on a regular 50/50 basis we can start travelling next year. Yay! He's starting to see the bright side for us.
I think also, parents forget.
That as "children" become adults, they are more independent and living their own lives (or should be?) this is a struggle in enmeshed families and let's face it many divorced parents do become enmeshed with their children. Sometimes BOTH parents are. (As in my case with DH there is dysfunction on both sides) my own ex husband has/had a really hard time detaching when our older children transitioned into teenage then adulthood. For him it was the loss of control, but I see even "Good" dads struggling with the fact that many times it's not personal it's just that jr is out doing what young people should be doing....living life, working, going college and playing. I think that is what prompts some dads to continue to be "daddy" and plan family vacations and get togethers. In my case with my DH, The whole family vacation thing eventually stopped and he's now working on not planning and funding every single get together that have. Especially the ones that HE doesn't even go to and the ex (BM) does. I helped him see the light by pointing out that my kids regularly get together with their dad, should I start paying for it? Hahaha he saw the light pretty quick with that example.
I'm curious what the
I'm curious what the therapists take was on how he should go about dealing with the OSD refusing to have a relationship?
It took a lot of discussion
It took a lot of discussion about it, and the therapist asked to speak with me twice, briefly, for my perspective. She's not a family therapist and I think that was a little more difficult for her to understand. Once they got DH's emotions reviewed I think they are working on his outlook and moving forward, not dwelling on the past. He wants to be happy, not miserable and always thinking about OSD or even YSD. It was, as I understand, focused on HIM not on her. He doesn't tell me the details which I respect but he's doing better and that's the great thing.
Of Course
All of us SMs with PASed out skids remember the absolute horrid stunts and shitstorms while they were not yet PASed out. Mine were absolutely horrific and culminated with them conspiring (with the Gir) to sic CPS on us (whilst the Girhippo actually WORKED for them)
Chef actually turned the other cheek before this. The Animal Torturer made up a story that the Gir threw her out in the snow when she was misbehaving. Umm the Gir never had ANY punishments so this is completely a figment of the AT's imagination. Of course, chivalrous Chef, told CPS that the Gir would never do that and she was instantly cleared.
Fast forward to a few years later and the Gir gleefully made up ficticious stories about Chef "splitting AT's lip" (they were chapped from biting her nails) and all other sorts of viscious lies to tell CPS.
dup
*
We got the "Dad and JMTB made
We got the "Dad and JMTB made me drive them home from a bar when they were drunk" (SS was 13 at that accusation). We don't go to bars, and we don't get drunk, and we don't let unlicensed drivers drive.
"JMTB is abusive to her kids" (SS was 15 for that). I immediately got cameras for my house. He had no examples of this "abuse" but even my exH wrote a letter to the court next time we went saying that I was a wonderful mother and never feared that I would harm our children in anyway- physically, mentally or emotionally.
There were more, but those 2 REALLY pissed me off!
Insult to Injury
I think at least in my DH's case, in his mind the PAs was easy to blame on BM and he was mostly correct. Now however that one of the SKs has aged out, he is finding out that the wedge and disconnect and mistrust that has been sewn into the relationship for so long by her between DH and OSK, isn't magically cleared up once they turn 18.
My DH is having a real hard time adjusting to (blaming probably isn't the right word) but holding the freshly minted adult SK accountable for action (inactions) and realizing the kid and he don't have a true bond. I think from outside it has been somewhat obvious to me, my mom, my BFF but none of us wanted to say it out loud. It is sad to see DH almost retraumatized directly by the kid now and waking up to the fact that he is considered a walking wallet soley and literally since it is the only time the kid has communicated since fresh minting adulthood.
My sd’s are now 27 and almost 17
Pas's out almost a decade ago and cut off contact for 5.5 yrs. my husband doesn't remember 3 skids birthdays even ss24.5 who lives with him. Hubby dors remember my birthday and our 2 kids birthdays and our wedding anniversary etc.
thats what people get when they're rude, miserable and intolerable they get left behind of their own accord
Long time survivor here.
Estrangement gets easier over time - agree.
It's like a death, with mourning and stages of grief - agree.
There is a light at the other end of the tunnel - definitely.
We're estranged from both of DH's daughters. It's been almost twenty years for the younger, and eleven years for the elder. Each estrangement brought different emotions. It was DH who decided to be done with the younger; and I who finally blew my top and disengaged from the elder, with DH following suit after having to deal with her on his own for a while. We both struggled with periods of depression afterwards, and our marriage was on shaky ground when I first disengaged from the elder, but we've reached a place of peace and acceptance. None of it was easy.
I belong to a couple different support groups for estranged parents of adult kids, and can say with confidence there are MANY parents who have/are dealing with estrangement. The word epidemic is often used because it's become so common. Like step problems, it's this whole unseen world of suffering. Feelings of shame and isolation are common, and new members almost always say they had no idea there were so many parents in the same boat.
Here, estrangement is usually about divorce, PAS, dysfunction, poor parenting etc. In those other groups, the abuse, entitlement and exploitation is off the charts. Parents who grovel and abase themselves, who accept absolutely horrible treatment from their kids for any scrap or crumb. There's also a significant number who are elderly and all alone after repeated estrangements and "wreckenciliations". The pain and suffering is ... A lot. It helps to know that we're only two of so many, and that others have it far worse.
In our case, estrangement is in the direction of the SpermClan.
They have earned being shunned by SS from his life. The incessent manipulation, lies, guilt, and general behaviors they all perpetrate as normal and as fabricated "fact" for the 16+ years of the CO, and since SS launched ,has made them unworthy of a place in SS's life.
While on the one hand I am glad he is far past them, it is sad to me that he has to keep them flushed down the crapper and out of his life. I know at some level SS is sad about it. After all, he is is mother's son.
He has not seen any of them in several years.
SS-30, DW and I remain close and the 3 Musketeers. As we were when we first became a family when he was a toddler.
We haven't seen OSS in around
We haven't seen OSS in around 7-8 years and YSS in 8-9 years. It sucks. It's a loss that DH will never truly get over. Though we both do have a tiny nugget of hope that they'll eventually loosen themselves from BM's delusional grip and realize the thruth, we're not expecting anything. OSS is now 24 and YSS is 18, and not a peep from either of them.
So, DH and I have made our life around each other and BS26, who considers DH his "dad" and likewise, BS is a son to DH. My family is his family. DH's bio family continues to commisserate with BM, take her and the "kids" on vacations, and basically encourage the continued PAS, but that's fine. Our life is a million times more peaceful without their toxicity.
Nice to see you back, Ghost!
Nice to see you back, Ghost!
Hi Julie! I haven't really
Hi Julie! I haven't really been gone- just not posting much since it's been quiet on the step front.