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need advice

TheBrightSide's picture

How do you deal with skids and doorbells and keys???

We have SD8 every other week with a Sunday exchange day.

DH hates that SD8 has to go back and forth and feels guilt. He doesn't like that SD8 rings the doorbell when she comes home. "This is her house". So, he has told her she doesn't have to ring the doorbell when she comes home.

Yesterday, we were in our livingroom and SD8 and BM walk in (no doorbell ringing) to the entryway.

I'm conflicted. I realize that ours is SD8's home too....but bothered me that BM walked in without ringing the doorbell.

Do I suck it up (like so many other things I suck up) or do I say something? And if i do...what do I say??

I know that soon SD8 will have her own key, but again..I don't want BM in my house when we're not home.

Anyone have advice??


SerendipitySM's picture

Oh no no no, your house is not SD'S house too - she gets to stay with you guys for limited period of time but that is not her house. Under no circumstances is BM to enter your home - she can drop off SD or walk her to the door but that is it - she has no business being in your house. Mkae sure that DH knows you mean business - explain to him that you are not comfortable having her walk into your home and make sure he puts an end to it - pronto!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

TheBrightSide's picture

I want SD8 to feel like it is her home, absolutely. I have no problem with SD8 coming in without ringing the problem is BM coming in without ringing the doorbell.

SerendipitySM's picture

BrightSide - is she required to do chores at your house? The reason I ask is because my DH wants his girls to feel at home at our house, however they do not contribute to the household in anyway (they are 15 and 13). They treat it like it a hotel and no matter how hard I have tried he won't consistently make them clean up after themselves, this is why he is now required to do it. These are my reasons for thinking that my home is not also my SDS'S home - they are guests nothing more.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

bellacita's picture

u guys have set exchange times im sure so she should be expected. BUT there is no reason that BM needs to come in. maybe u could switch and have DH pick her up to bring her to u and have BM pick her up to go back to her?

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

SM#1's picture

I told my H and SD9 that SD is not to ring the doorbell that she lives with us too. When BM needs to speak with my H about anything SD9 walks in, and BM stays at the door--sometimes she even shuts the door behind SD9 and tells her to get her father so she can speak with him. All BM and BD should know this is the best way to handle it, I thought it was common sense. Well maybe your Skids BM doesn t have any! What a sense of entitlement she has!

TheBrightSide's picture

with BM and she need to ask DH something which is why she came in...and honestly, she always comes to the door to drop off SD8.

I have no problem with her coming to the door, I really don't. But how do I tell DH that i didn't like it when she came in without ringing the doorbell?

ugh..yeah its bothering me..but hell this is just another thing to fight about and i'm tired of fighting.

melis070179's picture

I would tell your SD (or actually have DH tell her) that although your home is her home too, it is not BMs home & she should wait outside. If she needs to talk to your DH, SD will get him for her. Also have DH tell BM the same thing, that you guys would appreciate it if she stayed on the porch and if she needs him then to have SD call him to the door. Its pathetic that you even have to say that to her, she should know on her own to not just walk in...she needs boundaries.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

bellacita's picture

and just letting her walk rite into ur home is setting u up for problems down the line...

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Elizabeth's picture

I agree SD should be able to walk in, but BM is a different matter. SD could walk in, and BM could ring the doorbell. Or SD could tell you BM is outside and has a question. Then you can invite her into YOUR house (or not) as you see fit. I told my DH flat out that I do NOT want BM in my house ever. SD has a key and I know BM has been over when we're not home. If I ever had solid proof she was in our house, I would call the cops in a heartbeat!

lil_teapot's picture

I am the victim of the same crap you're experiencing now. My ss's are 12 and 13 and long story short, bm had been doing the same thing to me for MONTHS. H never said a word to her until the day I exploded and bm and I had a verbal fight that ended with me leaving H. After I returned home a couple of days later, we patched things up but things have NEVER EVER been the same.
So, please handle this now. BM has absolutely no right what so ever to come into your home. NONE. An 8 y.o. can come in w/o bm having to guide her in...I mean sd knows her way around the house right?
It is absolutely unacceptable for bm to not knock and to just enter your home. Regardless of anyone wanting to "keep the peace" with her or whatever, what she did was not only disrespectful to you and your family, but it is illegal. Because a child has part-time residence in your home does not give bm the legal right to enter the premises.
You need to talk to your H and tell him how you feel and the BOTH of you need to talk to bm (w/o kids around). You need to be a united front and explain to her in a nice way that you don't feel comfortable, yadda yadda yadda. Try to do it in a nice way so she isn't made to feel cornered. My shrink said to do this, but H never would back me. He has no balls when it comes to bm.
Long story short, H and I are struggling to this day because of what happened earlier this year. Although our bm intrusions ended in October, I can not get over the hurt and betrayal. I told H that I feel like he might as well have slept with bm because the level of betrayal is the same...of course he doesn't agree, thinking that sex is a bigger betrayal than betraying my trust. And that's why we're failing and I'm planning to leave.
So, from my own experience, you can tell alot about how your life is going to be by how he handles this problem with the bm. If he wants to work with you as a united front to put a stop to it, then you are one lucky girl with a super guy. But if he is hesitant to cross the bm, then please be very careful...he isn't going to respect your feelings in other ways and you will wind up resentful and angry like me.
I wish you the very best of luck and will have my fingers crossed for you.

SerendipitySM's picture

I have tried many, many times to make my SDS'S feel at home and it has gotten me nowhere. They are 15 and 13 and are 2 of the laziest kids I have ever met. I understand that kids will be kids but I do not think it is asking for much to expect them to clean up after themselves. These kids will get a snack and something to drink and leave it all over the house. They will leave half empty bowls of food up in their bedrooms even though they know they are not allowed to eat in their rooms. They are both incapable of properly making a bed - it's actually quite sad in my opinion. I had a fair share of chores at that age and I do not think it is unreasonable of me to expect them to pull their weight while at my house. I consider them guests because they treat my home as if it were a hotel, with no respect whatsoever!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Razamond's picture

We have EOW c as well - It never even crossed my mind about BM entering my house until.. one Monday I had taken off work and left my car at my parents house - switch day is Monday, after school. I am sitting at home and BM pulls into driveway with skids - goes to back door and opens it (H has a problem with locking backdoor). I was sitting on couch - BM walked out fast. SKids will NEVER get a key!!! Deadlocks are now on all doors and if I ever find out that she is in my house again I will call police and have her arrested for trespassing - she went to my parents house to drop off some things for skids - I told her to Never step foot on my parents property again. I told her I don't go to your parents house and you don't go to mine. Set your limits now and never doubt how low down and dirty BM can get. There will never be a reason for BM to be in my house - if she needs to speak with H - she can call from the road.

StepLightly's picture

Yes, it's their home too, but there are different rules. I gave SDs each a key when we were married. BM stayed in my home with older SD during my honeymoon. So...I changed locks and when SDS were with us (which was half the time), I would be home when they were, or would leave a door unlocked. BUT, when they were with BM, I locked it up tight as a drum! The girls were notorious for having raging parties at BMs when she was gone and I'll be damned if that was going to happen to us. They are adults now and yes they were pissed and are still pissed about it. But they were told when the locks were changed it was because BM was in our home. With steps, there is a different level of loyalty, thus a different level of trust.

CJ's picture

First of all it is a BAD idea for your hubby and BM to be discussing things about the children at pick up or drop off. This can lead to adding stress to the child when they may already be stressed out. We have a "small talk only" rule when exchanging ss occurs.

Second BM should NEVER enter your house. And why does BM need to talk to your dh in person? Is her phone broken or something? If it was not for your sd entering the house with her mother I would recommend having her "accidentally" walking in on you and your dh going at it... I guarantee that would be the last time she entered your home! But seriously, she needs to be told to stay the hell out.

Also, unless the parents have joint custody I don't see why the the parent without custody would buy clothes, etc for the child. Our BM asked us to provide ss with a wardrobe while he was with us and we laughed our asses off. WHY would we do that when dh already pays for his portion of his son's clothes via child support??? He offered to buy the clothes and subtract the cost from his child support...oddly enough she did not agree. LMAO.