i'm not even going to start from the beginning. i have no time, nor energy. needless to say today is another day of the blahs. every since DH won full legal and physical custody of the kids, the stress of fighting that horrid BM has subsided a bit and i have had more time to dwell on the reality of our new lives.

he divorced her in 2000 and yet he had to drag her sorry ass back to court recently because we couldn't function with her interference. she already turned his oldest daughter (19) against him (by letting her drink and get drunk and stay out all night during her senior year of high school). he had to fight for the other two. his middle child (16), she hates her BM because she knows what kind of person she is. his son (11) is another story. always trying to be the neutral party, falls for mom BS a lot.

anyway, needless to say i put in a HUGE amount of effort helping him get full custody - at my own sacrifice. truthfully, i am not a kid person. and while i get along well with all of his kids, i am absolutely miserable with the fact that we now have them 24/7. i feel trapped. suffocated. irritated ALL THE TIME. but i helped him, at my own expense, because i knew that they were better off with him.

they are thriving -- his daughter is getting straight As, doing well in sports, etc. and his son's grades have improved drastically too. his son used to cry and scream and pout in the mornings he had contact with his mother, now he rushes off to school on his own. amazing.

even though BM is now restricted from contacting my SS and can only see him during supervised visits, i still feel this claustrophobia. we've been together for almost 4 years, married for a little over 2. i knew what i was getting into when i committed to him, but now i don't know if i'm strong enough to endure this for the rest of my life.

i am not under any disillusionment that things will suddenly be "fixed" when SS turns 18. their BM is too much of a (#$&)%)#*&@# to just fade away into the sunset. you cannot completely comprehend this unless you have seen her in action. we believe she may have borderline personality disorder, but even though the custody evaluator recommended she seek psychological treatment, she refuses. nothing is ever her fault. it's everyone else's.

for the past four years i've put everyone else's needs before my own. that was my mistake. but now they are all used to this standard i've inadvertently set. and when i try to be a little "selfish" they either get offended, hurt or wonder what the hell is up. there is a lot of co-dependency my DH created in his kids....although i dare not say that to him. i bitch enough about things as is.

but what the hell do i do now? every damn day. 24 hours a day. they are with us. i used to be independent, social, free spirited. now i feel like i'm shackled down because of SOMEONE ELSE'S kids and DH's responsibilities. i am trying not to be resentful towards anyone, but it's hard.

how the hell do i reconcile my wanting to be free again, but make my marriage work? we are going to counseling and i'm always commuicative with him, but i am burning out. he is the sweetest person, loves his kids to death, loves me so much, he is trying so hard to make me happy. but it's not enough.

i don't want to come fourth in his life. i should be FIRST. even our therapist said this. and yet i feel like he doesn't think of me as first in his life. i know i am not. and that is what i HATE.

i love him, but is it enough to make this work?