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Sh*tty Stick take on things - Not rainbows and lollipops, but no excuses either..

Stick's picture

Ok ladies ... I gotta ask... and you guys can say what you think either way.

I know we feel put upon... by jobs, and kids, and husbands reacting to kids. But, are we really, when it gets right down to the nitty gritty... are we all that different and put upon than others?

Guilty Parent? Yeah, the dad may be a guilty parent to his own kid. But does that mean he wouldn't be a guilty parent to your a bio child between the two of you? I know of many situations where the mother is the disciplinarian and the father is the "good time daddy!!" And those are not ever divorced, married for a long time couples. My mom and dad being one of them!!!

Sick kids and the different ways parent deals with it. My father is the most loving man I have ever met. He literally saves old clothes "in case he runs into someone on the street that needs them". Yet... he doesn't have a lot of tolerance for illness, or at least succumbing to illness. When I was little with life threatening asthma attacks (I have been hopsitalized), my mom would "coddle" and comfort me.. My dad would comfort me, but never let me wallow in fear. It was just an obstacle to get through. Neither of them got angry with the way the other handled it. They did it together, but different.

Jobs and other situations... What about the people that get married and then a year into their marriage, the husband or wife is struck with cancer, and the bills mount up due to not enough insurance. It's tough, and it's not what they signed up for. Sure, we know when we are older, we will deal with that. But there are people that deal with it immediately.

And what about the couples who deal with a job opportunity that isn't right for the whole family? The father wants to take the job, the mom might be then left to do more work, and the kids may be uprooted. But they deal with it as a family. Not as "me vs. you" Does that make sense? They end up making the decision as one best for the family... more money, better schools, etc. A short term sacrifice by one or the other parent to get the long term goal of stability.

What about the people who lose their jobs right after they get married? My DH lost his job the week after we got home from our honeymoon.

What about the people who have meddling and troublesome bio children, in-laws and siblings? The kind of siblings that embarrass the family, or steal for drugs. The children where the parents have a different attitude on how to parent. Or even if they parent the same, the kid turns out to what they are by virtue of their own brain and genetics (Jeffrey Dahmer?!) What about the in-laws, where the mom thinks her son can do no wrong, or the father in law who spoiled his daughter so much the new husband has to deal with the mess the fil created?? That's stuff you sometimes don't know of until you get married.

I know that many times we don't marry into these situations fully knowing what we will end up with. But isn't that true of every marriage?

And I truly agree that being a step parent one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I don't really have a point, except that maybe step-life isn't that different from other life. And I think we could all benefit by taking our step parent goggles off once in a while.

End of soap box... Not holier than thou... Just throwing out a thought...


Crizzle's picture

"End of soap box... Not holier than thou... Just throwing out a thought..."

My disengagement has allowed me to take off my step parent goggles. My relationship with skids IS improving little by little but it is getting there none the less. They of course still do stupid $h!t that drives me crazy, but it's not my problem now, so I am able to speak without grinding my teeth now.
Now if I can just get past these other things that annoy me.

"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere

LotusFlower's picture

our life is the life we choose....whether its biokids, skids, 1st, 2nd, 3rd husbands...its our life...u deal with whatever comes...change what u can and accept what u can' I told jo, if its still where u want to be at the end of the day, then u fight for matter what it is....

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

Amazed's picture

I think it's hard for most to see that the feeling of being put upon is relative. My problems are huge to me but small to another. That's like's also relative. What stresses me out may not stress out stick or LF or even crayon but it drives me crazy none the less...
True enlightenment in my book is when you can look at your own problems and say, "I really don't have it that bad..."

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

Stick's picture

Sometimes I am embarrassed to write my problems on here, because I know in the big scheme of things.. it's not that bad.

But... that's where this site comes in handy!! Someone can always relate!!

And sometimes they say something really funny and evil that just makes it all better!!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

BMJen's picture

Hey girl! I like your blog.

I have to chime in and say that yes, step parenting is much different than nucelar family life. I say this because I've been in a necular and now I'm in a step! Wink

It's different in so many ways. In a necular you don't give a crap what dear daddy says, if the kid needs punished mom will smack that butt weather dad likes it or not. If your own bio daughter calls you a bitch to your face you can slap her teeth out of her head (not literally) but if it's your SD you have to be careful what you do and how you react because every detail of your life is under the BM microscope.

When I was married to my x I didn't have to worry about a BM chiming into my then DH all the time. If another woman called I would have every right to kill him (again, not literally). Now I live in a life where BM thinks she can control it! Of course that's getting alot better, but for alot of folks here it isn't!

When I was in a necular family with my x I ran the show with my kids. He was a equal in parenting, but I never had to second guess my decisions of punishment, watch my mouth for fear of the BM cussing that is going to come, or any of the stuff that I have to watch out for now.

Would I change it? Nope, not for all the tea in China. Am I mad because I'm so put upon, no. I'm mad when kids act like idiots, Step or Bio. Wink

Stick's picture

You first husband LET YOU discipline the way you thought was right. IF HE wanted to take an active role in that, he could have and disagreed with you. It is a problem for many people that they don't discover until they actually have children. My DH and his ex are a great example of that. BM hated the fact that DH gave daughter soda every now and then when she was little. It can be something as little as that. BM and DH are two completely opposite people and if they had stayed married, I dread to think what that household would have been like. Also... my DH LETS ME discipline SD the way I think is right. So we are more of the same "parent" as opposed to being steps...??

As far as another woman chiming into your life... It could just as easily be a Mother in Law doing the same thing. I know lots of cases where a man will listen to his mom on how to parent OVER HIS WIFE!! And that causes issues too!

I think you are right that that's where we put ourselves, and our spouses put us, in a bind. We second guess our rights and act accordingly and sometimes so do they. So maybe that is where the difference is.!! Thanks SMJ!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

BMJen's picture

He would discipline our son for the life of him. He thinks, and always has, that our son should make all of his own decisions in life. Yeah, that's smart, sure here's some more candy for breakfast! LOL

So he always disagreed with me punishing DS. Oh well, to bad. If he didn't listen he got his butt popped, or hand smacked, or corner time, etc. In step world you don't have that option, you HAVE to listen to the bio parent. Because you aren't the parent and don't have the right to discipline other's kids, or atleast that how 99% or people percieve this.

DH and I are both on the same parenting plan. Where we differ we talk about it and come to a comprimise. I'm lucky like that, he's great about most things. Our biggest problem is BM.

And yes it could be a mother just as well. No doubt about that, but I think alot of women feel more threatened by a woman that your DH used to love, sleep with, had kids with, etc than they do his momma. JMO.

Stick's picture

Those people THINK they are good parents!! It's truly sad.

Those types of people make not only our job (as significant others) , but the job of everyone (teachers, friends, future spouses) who has to deal with those children even worse. IF that makes sense!!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

in that I made the choice to marry DH and with that choice came all the drama whether I was ready for it or not. I was pretty fortunate I'll admit that the worst of it didn't start until 8+ years into it so I did have some time to build the foundation of our 'step' family life.

We just deal with things the best we can on both aspects, when I was having trouble with EH's psycho-bitch he was married to (and thankfully divorced) and now with BM's holier-than-thou BS she preaches all the time. I try to remember that the children are a smaller part of who we are as a husband and wife and if I want to stay married to my DH then I deal with the cards as they are dealt.

EH and I actually were WAY more alike in child-raising and discipline issues with perfectson17. DH and I joke that it's a good thing we were smart enough to not have an 'ours' child because the fight would be ON!! So there are many many sides to every situation I think. DH and I just know we'll continue to try to fight for US first, even if all we can do is take it one day at a time.

Excellent post, Stick!

Selkie's picture

Especially since I've been wondering lately, would things be any easier if FH and I had met earlier and spawned our children together. My conclusion is that the way we're doing things now is the only possible way we are able to be together. Like Wicked said, if we had a bio child together, the fight would be on! And each of us had to go through our life experiences before meeting each other, in order to be the people we were when we met. Otherwise, I wouldn't have given him a second glance!

So I've come to accept that things are the way they are because they can't be any different. That realization doesn't make it easier to accept the rudeness and entitlement the courts encourage in his children, or the copious money flowing into another woman's household, or the wall that seems to exist between FH and DD14. It doesn't help to know that things are the way they are supposed to be when I know that this Christmas, my loving FH will be spending his entire day thinking about his impending visit with his children rather than focussing on the family he has right in front of him. And this knowing doesn't help at all when I keep looking for signs in FH that he loves and appreciates - hell, even likes - my child, and see mainly the criticism and irritation of a step-parent.

Despite having gone through many "regular" issues like illness and job loss, I like my life and my home and my family. But I don't like the added sh*t our step-issues throw at us. I hate the added stress that nuclear families don't have to experience. I hate that I feel like I have to elope to avoid the "family" politics at my wedding.

I think I'd better stop now before I start listing all of the crap falling in love with a man who has children (and never wanted more, including my own) has caused in my life.