I've tried to fight for my right to disengage (DH was shoving snowshyte down my throat basically..."you have to care for her...you have to be involved in her life...) THEN, I realized I was hurting DH by fighting to disengage from his daughter when he never fought to disengage from ChooChoo's life. Sooo...now I try to be involved with Snowshyte's life and I'm basically shown they'd rather have me butt out and just be there to say, "yes" about everything.

It's a no win for me right now til DH changes how he handles the situation. I'm just trying to be patient while his brain puts it together that one can't be expected to be involved and step off at the same time. Not possible.

I personally picked to fight for my right to disengage because I knew if I was involved, I would be involved with no control and no say...that's the same as being disengaged except way more frustrating.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

It's become a way of life, and it works.

DH and I began dating when SD was 5, got married when she was 8. All along he was telling me he wanted me to treat her like she was my own. I found out that was what he wanted as long as I was doing something fun for/with her. But when it came to discipline, it's not what he wanted at all.

SD treated me SO badly for SO long, and I kept soldiering along. EVERY day was a fight. DH would be out of town for work, and SD would treat me like crap. Yell in my face, throw things around the house, slam doors, rip things up (that didn't belong to her), throw things at me, I could go on and on. I finally got fed up one day.

I was driving SD to school. It was less than a mile away and she could have walked, but I decided to be nice. I was going to drop SD off at the corner (half a block away) rather than getting caught in the line of cars in front of the school. That was unacceptable to SD and she let me know it. I warned her not to slam the door when she got out of the car, and of course she did. Then SD stood in the middle of the street and yelled about how much she hates me. That's it. I was done.

I told DH I would no longer drive SD to/from school. I would no longer be responsible for her when he was not at home. If he was traveling for work, SD needed to be with BM (who lived about 6 miles away). He didn't like it, but it really DID make things easier for me.

I agree it's HARD not to be able to control what goes on in your own house. And I do have an issue with SD's behavior rubbing off on my BDs. But when SD turned 15 she decided she wanted to live with BM (who moved an hour away). She's been there for a year, and things have been SO much more peaceful at our house.

I KNOW DH misses SD, but I also know he does NOT miss the drama. He just never learned how to deal with SD, so he was in NO position to teach her how to treat me. But she didn't want to learn either, so it is what it is. But it's really not a fight for me any more. I don't care how SD turns out (even though that's sad), so I butt out and let DH deal with it or not, as he chooses. I just make it clear that if she does something that endangers our BDs I WILL be involved.

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I just got lucky because DH and I have always been on the same page when it came to disciplining skids, etc. In fact, I would say he is probably tougher on them than I am. That's why I love this site so much...I have so much respect for all the SM's who get up every day and take care of skids, even tho they have no voice in their own home. I can honestly say I don't think I would be here in my situation if my DH wasn't supportive. I think we have an unspoken "contract" that I will raise yur kids as if they were my own and you must also respect my position as a mother figure in instilling discipline, etc. I always told him...don't expect me to kiss boo-boos, if I have no say around here...

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

you just disengage. If you "announce" it, they will argue with you. You don't need to argue about it----you just decide on your own, in your own time and in your own way.

By the time you get to the point of wanting to disengage, you usually don't care what anyone thinks. This act of disengagement is being done for YOU, for your sanity.

You don't ask permission to retain your sanity, you just disengage. Be nice, smile and do what is good for you.

I told DH that if he didn't stop trying to turn us into some little help family, I was going to walk. And I meant it. DH had this idea that I should be a Mom to his kids. And I tried. Very hard. And they were nasty, hateful beasts.

DH wanted my support when SD18 (who was 16 at the time) wanted tattoos and piercings. I said to just say no and quit fighting with her. Who did she attack after this? Me. What did DH do? Nothing! "She's hurting..."

So now, I don't care if she tattoos her entire body and lives with her boyfriend. DH comes to me for advice and council and I say, "no one protected me from SD's retaliation so from now on, you're on your own." He tries to engage with with big, beautiful sad brown eyes and I smile and pat his hand and walk off.

Last time he wanted me to support him in telling SD (then 17 at the time) to not spend the night in the city for prom night. I said, SD has a mother and a father and it's up to you two to parent her. She ended up coming home devasted but the scumbag she had been dating behind DH's back. Came running home to DH in tears. Oops, she forgot to mention Mr. Wonderful to DH. Mr. Wonderful moved away without telling her (?? how old is this guy?)BM said SD could could date Mr. Wonderful.

BM's philosophy is that SD should make her own mistakes. Okay, whatever, not my kid. If it doesn't affect me, I don't care anymore.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

SD17 comes downstairs to attend church in her ripped up jeans. They were shredded in front and back. Rear hanging out. I could see her butt cheek.

I look at DH with huge eyes and gesture to what I think is obvious! He's confused. Uhmm, is this appropriate attire for church?? Dad's oblivious sometimes apparently.

SD, "I wear these to school." I say "let's not be hypocrits, if she wears them to school, I think she should wear them to church." Personally, I would be more worried about my daughter attending high school in such an outfit than church.

So we attended our church with SD in this outfit. I think it took the fun out of it for since I never saw them again. Burst her bubble that we didn't have the big showdown over it I guess. I did make sure I introduced as "DH husband's daughter" Ha, ha...not my kid!

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"