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Ok - Here's a question for whomever feels like answering....

Stick's picture

Let me start out by saying that I don't want this to come off as sounding like, I have a better answer or anything, I just would like everyone's thoughts on this...

I had life-threatening asthma ever since I was a child. I was diagnosed with another chronic, uncurable condition, when I was 17. I have lost and re-grown my hair at an early age. I have been on medication for as long as I can remember. I have been on life support. I still am on medication every day, and if I miss it for more than a few days, I start to get asthma attacks, which could be fatal.

The reason I am telling you all of this, is because I think it has a lot to do with my whole "rainbows and lollipops" attitude. It has everything to do with my "we can work this out... we can make it okay" attitude. If I had any other attitude, I would never have been able to have the great life I have had!! I would never have the career I now still enjoy. I never thought I'd find a man wonderful enough to accept me with all of my own "baggage" even though I have never been married, or have any children of my own. My health issues are the reasons I have no children. I decided I wouldn't want to put a child through that. I'm a fighter. I had to fight to breathe (literally) and have had to fight to just get to where I am now and not let myself get down emotionally. It can be overwhelming.

I think that's why I answer so many blogs the way I do. I'm really not a big cutesy, type person. I swear (too much for my DH) and have a bad temper. (Many have told me these things!)

So I guess my question is... do you feel that we let things get to us, or not get to us, based on our WHOLE OUTLOOK ON LIFE, versus just the outlook on these particular situations? Does this question make sense? I think I'm able to survive in my relationships here because I have had to struggle with much worse, personally. BM can hurt me if she knew some of my issues. But even then, I'd make sure I took her down with me. She wouldn't come out unscathed.

What do you guys think?

Comments

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

That is, until someone digs 'em up.

My biggest problem in life is being a fixer. Not my own description of me, but a label given me by my ex's psychiatrist.

I am the woman who brings home the wounded animal. I am the woman who cries when a baby gets a shot (even like a DTP shot). I feel responsible for my parents...on and on and on. Which is, of course, why I end up with men who need fixed.

The psychiatrist warned me-he warned me that women like me often end up marrying the same (type of) man over and over again. What he did not tell me was how to fix the fixer. Sad

Maybe one day I'll figure it out.

In the meantime, I trying my best to look on the sunny side up...the end of the year of bondage.

Most Evil's picture

You have certainly had more than your fair share to deal with and are definitely a great example of what someone can do if they put their mind to it. Go Stick!!! I had no idea honey!!

Between me and Dh, he is the optimist and I am the pessimist or I prefer the term, realist. It drives him crazy and he always wants to think things are better than they are, but me I want to face the absolute truth and deal with that.

I used to be real dreamy and impractical but the older I get the less I want anything to cloud my vision - of people or situations. I am addicted to the truth more than I was ever addicted to anything else in my addictive personality!! that is Truth with a capital T!!

I have to admit it annoys me when people are overly optimistic, to me it seems patronizing somehow. No offense dear, I have been trying to think of a nice way to say this but cannot bear to get in these weird word wars with my step sisters!! Wink

At work I am positive because it is my job to be, but in my heart I see it all!!

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

Sasha's picture

I think you and I were twins separated at birth Wink

Harleygal's picture

Most Evil and I are a lot alike. DH is always telling me "Don't be so negative." I respond with I'm not - I'm just a realist and you're not.

Most Evil's picture

double post

Stick's picture

Most Evil - I am like you as well, I am addicted to the truth and reality. I cannot deal any other way. It doesn't help me at all to not see the reality of a situation. Especially when I had to face the truth about my condition. It's not life threatening - it's a constant, day to day struggle to keep my self esteem and sense of self up. So it's really just a pain in the ass. But I had to face the reality that there is no cure.... or else, I'd be chasing every quack that gives hope!!

I understand what you are saying about being overly optimistic. I don't want to be patronizing. I actually was afraid that this blog would come out sounding like, Oh Poor me... see what I've been through? I'm really sorry if it sounded like that. Truly. But the question has been intriguing me.

I just know that my blogs and posts are always sort of on the "up" side. And people tell me that as much. And I guess I wanted to share why.

So I just want everyone to know... I'm not being cold, or just being "butterflies and rainbows", I'm REALLY REALLY NOT trying to be patronizing AT ALL or be like I'm anything special. I KNOW THAT I'M PRETTY MESSED UP!!! Smile I had another friend (who's now passed) that had a chronic kidney condition. When we were young - in our early 20's - we used to say to each other, it would be easier to have cancer than to live with no hope of a cure. To look at 30 more years of living the way we are. It would be EASIER to know that there's an END.

So, when I give advice on here, I'm coming from a place where the truth matters... but so does knowing that really, all of this too, will pass. It's just what we do in the meantime that will make it great, or make it really suck.

Most Evil's picture

I do see what you are saying and your good intentions do show in your posts. We love you and you are a great addition to the site. Now don't go anywhere!!!!!!!! LOL

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

Miketheman's picture

I spent more than half my life medicating myself with various substances to blot out the painful realities of my life, engaged in all kinds of dangerous behavior and went to any length to keep that pain at a safe distance but in the process I lost myself and everyone and everything I once cared about.

Through a series of events I ended up in jail, tried to kill myself and ended up in a rehab. Almost 27 years later and aged 47 living in a new country with 2 small biological children a wonderful wife a nice home and 1 remaining step boy to help parent. I have to say that as painful as it may be at times reality, clarity and emotional and spiritual integrity are so much better! A daily personal inventory helps immensely!

PnutButta's picture

Making me think this late at night?? Awesome! Wink

I am an optimist when I think it will benefit me...like when BM is around I behave deliriously happy so it pisses her off. Which makes me feel optimistic, so it works out just fine for me!

Honestly, I am a truth, realistic, practical person...but not all the time. My overall intention in life is to be kind to people, work hard, and be the best parent I can. Sometimes though, life can step in with unexpected issues and, being a fighter as well, I have to say and do things that I normally wouldn't consider any other time. But I think we are all like that in general.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I deal with chronic pain, and would DIE if BM ever found out because I know she'd use it against me. Being happy and optimistic all the time just isn't a reality when you hurt. You seem to be able to keep it together though..I commend you for that.

Rags's picture

we do not have an ability to control or influence.

I too had childhood asthma and spent many ER trips and over nights at the Denver Children's Hospital Asthma center. Fortunately for me, I grew out of most of it as I progressed in to adulthood though I do catch a wheeze and get tight occasionally. My lifelong chronic illness is Juvenile Onset Diabetes (AKA Type 1 Diabetes) which I am approaching my 29year Dx anniversary for so I too understand nearly life long dependence on medication. Without medical insurance my daily maintenance meds would run ~$1500/mo. So, professional employment with top benefits is critical for me and my family financially. Though not immediately life threatening if I fail to manage my disease my life is on the line. If I over medicate it can be fatal very quickly and if I under-medicate I get extremely ill and it can kill me just as surely though not quite as quickly.

When it comes to the Sperms, I agree wholly with your "BM can hurt me if she knew some of my issues. But even then, I'd make sure I took her down with me. She wouldn't come out unscathed" philosophy. Though I have little direct control over their actions I have absolute control over how I apply consequences to their actions and am neither shy nor hesitant to apply whatever legal, financial and intellectual punitive damages I can when they think they have found a brain and want to pretend like they can hang with me when it comes to challenging what I believe to be in the best interests of my Son (SS). They tried for about the first 5yrs of our marriage to control anything and everything about my SS and Wife's lives. BioDad and the SpermGrandParents pooled their resources in an attempt to bury us financially and get custody and their way as far as anything to do with SS. Though I fought them with every spare dime we had prior, at year 5 of our marriage the earning potential of my education passed all three of their combined incomes and I took complete control of the situation. Shortly there after my wife graduated from college and went to work professionally and I finished my Masters Degree. At that point we had the resources to make baring their asses a sport. I have been a Gold Medalist in that sport for the last ~9yrs. All they can do now is whine which is my reward for beating them back in to their holes when they think they have grown enough brain cells to climb out..

So, yes. I believe that primarily we react based on our life experience and our life perspective. Even when what we are reacting to is a very aggravating discrete situation.

As I said recently in a different thread. I pride myself in never having had a single day in my 45+yr life that was entirely bad. Every day has had something to smile about. Even if the day was predominantly bad.

Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. I deal in facts in most things that I face every day and I have no problem baring the blended family oppositions ass with the facts of their behavior.

Stick, you are an inspiration.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Stick's picture

This means a lot to me!! I too, understand having to have health insurance. It makes me very angry about the whole "system". I know this is off topic... but you are very educated and seem to know about a lot of things. What do you think of the health care system proposals?

Rags's picture

to ask.

My concern with socialized or Govt provided medical programs is that Govt tends to drive things to a level of low level mediocrity. Currently we have the premier medical system in the world from a quality perspective. The leaders of most of the worlds nations and the wealthy from nearly every country come here to get care that is not available in their own countries. Including Europe, Canada, Australia, Asia, etc....

I do not want to see our system jeopardized from an innovation and research perspective. My fear is that if we begin to pull profit out of medicine we will see a drastic reduction in research dollars.

I recently heard a very interesting statistic. Profit only accounts for ~.6% of current Medical costs and executive salaries account for only ~.005% of current medical costs.

If those numbers are even close to correct the current Govt hype about the urgent need to save our Medical system from the greedy corporations and executives is pure crap. IMHO of course.

That leaves only two problems to solve IMHO.

1. Access to medical care for those who don't have insurance. With current laws, 100% of the residents or the US, legal or illegal, have access to Medical care. It is not legal for anyone to denied treatment at a hospital due to inability to pay. Which is why our Medical system is nearly bankrupt. People who cannot pay get treated and the hospitals pass the costs on the tax payer via the Federal Govt.

2. Excessively conservative Medical practices due to the risk of litigation for Doctors. Even people who can't pay get a ton of expensive tests because the Doctors cannot risk malpractice claims.

So, if we minimize the risk of malpractice penalties to Doctors we can lower costs to help reduce the costs of treating people without insurance for chronic illness and reduce the cost for everyone. Doctors will not be as predisposed to doing expensive unnecessary testing just to avoid law suits.

I also saw some recent statistics that said that there are currently ~40Mil people in the country without insurance. The current Obama plan will cover ~25Mil of those but will also result in ~20Mil who currently have private sector coverage loosing their coverage. So, for the bargain basement price of $1Trillion dollars we will insure a net increase of ~5Mil more than are currently covered. That many people will die in the next 10yrs due to the aging baby boomers. So, in effect we will spend $1Trillion for nothing. That makes no financial sense to me at all.

Since I currently have high quality benefits through my employer I am comfortable with the current situation at least in my case. If we go to Govt provided medical care then I will likely still have coverage for much of my Meds and for basic doctor visits. My concern with that is how long will I have to wait for appointments and what happens if I need a very expensive insulin pump? Currently my insurance provides a pump for me every 5years. I would be willing to bet that at my income level I would get nearly no coverage from a Govt plan. So, my $6000 insulin pump that currently costs me only what I pay in family premiums through my employer (~$1700/yr) would likely cost me $6000 under a Govt plan. That and I will be taxed on my Medical benefits which will cost my family an additional ~$5000 per year in taxes. My CPA wife ran those numbers. So, the average family has to pay $5000 per year in increased taxes due to the taxation of Med benefits that is going to pull over ~$608billion of discretionary spending capability out of the economy each year. (Population of 365,000,000 with an average family size of ~3 = 121million families x $5000(in taxes) = $608,333,333,000.00) This is a SWAG and takes many liberties and assumptions. But even if I am off by 50% which I am highly confident I am more accurate than that, we are talking a ton of money removed from the productive economy.

There is also the consideration that a notable percentage of the currently uncovered 40Mil people would not seek medical care even if they had coverage. I don't know that that number is but I am sure it is several million people.

With the exception of the military, Govt can do nothing even remotely as well or as efficiently as the private sector.

So, my suggestion is that the Govt should not take over the health care system in the US. Why not make Health Care Insurance for 100% of residents mandatory just like they due with car insurance. If you have a car you have to have insurance. Do the same for Health Care insurance the leave the system alone. Those who cannot afford private insurance could use a Medicare like system that could be run like a Wind Pool insurance system which is in place in many states to provide homeowners insurance for people in high risk areas where private companies will not provide coverage. I can explain this more thoroughly from my perspective as a Licenses All Lines Insurance Adjuster (one of my fall back professions should I get laid off again from my primary profession) but this post is pretty long as it is.

I saw a T-shirt on a kid in the mall lately. "I am Economic Conservative. I am a Social libertarian. I am a Sexual liberal"

That pretty much summed up my political beliefs.

I want to reap what I sow and keep what I grow. As my signature line says. To each by their performance.

Don't take from the productive tax payer to give to people who choose not to provide for themselves. Provide a subsistence level of support for those physically or mentally unable to provide for themselves (housing, clothing, food and basic services). But, those who are capable but choose not provide for themselves should get what they earn. Nothing!

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

LotusFlower's picture

this is gonna be so corny.....LOL.....but here goes....my childhood sucked...physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse....u name it....I think I may have actually been suicidal at the age of 9-10. So one day, as I was hiding in my closet I really thought I heard a voice...."if u can get thru this, yur life is gonna be great"....well...I did make it....and believe me, my life is NOT perfect nor easy....but its so much better than the first 16-17 years I started with....so I try REALLY hard to live my life positively....now look,,,,I'm no pollyanna, as some of u may have perceived me to be...LOL....but its my survival tool.....if I go back to being negative about my life....the darkness will spiral out of control and swallow me up....I just truly believe with all my heart that good comes to good and evil comes to evil....and I also believe that yur perception of a sitiuation and yur attitude in dealing with it is 99.9% of the battle......just my take....for what its worth Smile let me add...LOL....anyone tries to mess with me and my family...I will destroy them..cuz I finally have the family I always wanted :)......LOL...just didn't want anyone to think that I am some powderpuff....LMAO....

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

Sia's picture

I tend to think that perception and attitude are key to any given situation! My childhood was bad, but NOTHING like yours. My young adult life was worse, but now I have changed my attitude and now my life is getting better day by day.

DoingItAgain's picture

I know that bad things happen in life... but as someone said in an earlier post... you can't control those things, you can only control your reaction to them. I can choose to wake up in a pissy mood because I had a bad night or I can choose to overcome that and start each day fresh. I can choose to allow someone to affect my mood and react negatively or I can try to see the bright side and go on with my day happily. It's all a choice. Love life or hate it. God gives you what he gives you. You can't control that. All you can do is make the best of a situation and choose to enjoy the good things in life. They are there, you just have to open your eyes and see them.... that is all attitude!

Elizabeth's picture

I find this whole topic fascinating, and I sure don't know the answer. I am not a very emotional person. I am very logical and rational, a problem-solver. So you'd think, with that attitude, SD16 couldn't get to me, right? But she does, and I think it's because the logical side of my brain sees how she acts, how she's been allowed to act, and ultimately how she will turn out. The logical side of my brain sees what needs to be done to fix the situation, but neither BM nor DH will allow that.

Of course, I also have an emotional side, but it really only comes out in relation to DH and BDs. So my emotional side shows me how badly DH has been treated by SD16 and how little regard she has for the feelings of BDs 5 and 3. She's NEVER come to any of BD5's bday parties and only one of BD3's. But if there's anything SHE wants to do, you can bet DH is right there to run her all over and cater to her.

My parents used to describe me as stoic. My boss says I'm very even-keeled. So attitude can only get you so far, I guess. If I was an emotional person, I think I'd be a wreck by now!

Selkie's picture

I really like your outlook. I wish I had the same emotional resilience and survivor attitude.

The problems I faced as a child and as a teenager are likely the reason for how poorly I've handled our blended family woes. Growing up, I always felt different somehow. I would know what people were thinking or feeling. I developed an obsession for anything paranormal. I would carry on long, written conversations with "unseen friends". I had extreme difficulty regulating my moods. At the age of 15 I knew something was wrong with my brain but my mom wasn't able to take it seriously and get help. Ironically, it was my parents' divorce and remarriages that impacted me most negatively, with lasting consequences.

My father married a woman without the maturity or desire to help me get along in the world (nevermind in her home). I could hear the judgement in her voice when she spoke to me. I sensed her intense dislike for my mother and her vast disapproval in every interaction with me. Dad's house became a place where I had to reign in my true self and put on a happy face for acceptance.

My mother married an abusive nazi jerk for four years, then a good man who is still my step-father. She battled depression throughout and never really learned how to be strong or independent.

Not sure where I'm going with this. Oh yeah! Yes, I have experienced much worse than what I'm going through with FH and his children. I'm still alive despite repeated attempts to correct that. I'm finally getting some treatment (anti-psychotic medication seems to be helpful so far), after struggling for over twenty years with misdiagnosis and wrong medications. There's nothing BM or skids could do to me that even comes close to waking up in a cold sweat because there's a dark figure standing beside my bed or some little ogre-type creature walking up my legs towards my face. "Sorry skid, can't hear you over the screaming in my brain." You get the picture.

I can be a good mom and a good partner with the right setting and support. My daughter is a pretty amazing kid despite her recent advent into teenaged rebellion. Step-parenting, though, that's a different matter. I was mightily triggered by having them all here causing trouble. I don't know how to deal with lying and threats because those behaviours are foreign to me. I have no idea what is normal. All I can do is establish acceptable attitudes and behaviours for my own safety and well-being, and expect those who love me to support a healthy environment.

Having a hateful, rejecting step-mother and absent, ostrich-headed father taught me what not to do in my own family. But I still have no idea how to establish a healthy family environment that involves people who have no interest in complying. Sometimes I think it might just be easier to say to the skids, "Selkie is sick, so the usual "he's my dad not yours" behaviours are just not tolerated here. If you want to be part of my family and home life, here's the information you need to get along in a healthy way. It's time to grow up a bit and see that you are not the center of the universe."

Of course, that presupposes the skids actually give a shit. Which I honestly doubt. They are still typical children in that they believe all adults are interested in their lives and love them just by virtue of being children. Despite being teenagers now, they still believe that relationships with adults are one-sided, with all of the caring, compassion and understanding flowing one way. I could deal with that, just not the hatred and vitriol flowing back.

I dunno. Having a tough time giving a crap about the whole mess at this point.