I am writing this not so much to get any feedback, but because I'm hoping writing all this out will help me find my way. I have picked some winners in men in my 40 years of living.

Just graduating from HS, getting pregnant with my son, and realizing one night when he was screaming his head off with an ear infection and his dad wouldn't leave his card game with his buddies, that I had chosen a loser. (Loser #1)

Meeting husband #1 in college, falling head over heels in love, got married as soon as I graduated. EH loved my son like he was his...hadn't been married a year and we have our first daughter. Four years later, second daughter arrives. Marriage starts to go downhill - we end up living with my parents...but the breakup of our marriage DEFINITELY wasn't all his fault - I screwed up big.

Left first marriage and met local pastor, who became husband #2. Short courtship - saw that the grass was greener on the other side of the fence - he had money, came from a wealthy, professional family, and could give the kids & I something that first EH couldn't. Moved away from my hometown for the first time ever, and grew - as wife, as a mother, as a woman. Church closed, and moved again...this time being there for 3 months because my oldest daughter confided in me that husband #2 had been molesting her since the first year of our marriage (for about 5 years). He's now in jail until she is 22. (Loser #2)

Now, here I am again. Married to another pastor, who I have known forever, and who for a long time has held a very special place in my heart. He was a great friend, a huge support, and someone I could count on. I swear, as corny as this sounds, God had plans for us. DH had been alone with his kids for 12 years (she told him she didn't love him anymore and didn't want the kids - he raised them alone), and things just clicked. He was the first one I called when I found out about Loser #2; when we had our ad wreck in 2008, he was the first person I thought to call. He drove me to every doctor's appointment I had, took me to have my surgery, and became my best friend. I can still remember going to his church for the first time with my SD (who now hates me), and not telling him I was there. In the middle of his sermon, he saw me, and completely lost his place in the sermon. It's probably the best memory I have of him. One thing led to another, and we fell in love. I loved the way he loved me...he was tender and gentle, and honest. I loved how "in love" with me he was - I loved him so much, and wanted so badly to raise him back up after he had been beat down by the ex. His daughters were wonderful at the beginning. I had a special relationship with one of the twins - she was, by far, my favorite. They were so glad their dad had finally found someone, and would be happy. What they didn't realize was that when I was here to stay, things changed. They couldn't have their dad the way they were used to and me be in the picture at the same time.

Fast forward to our wedding...the OSD won't even come to the house the morning of to get her hair done...when she finally shows up, she hides out in YSD room until it's time to go to the church. When it's time for her & a YSD (a twin) to walk down the aisle, she doesn't walk, she skips, arm in arm with her sister, whispering and acting like she was 5. The first year was hell. Anything I would try to change, the girls would buck and try to change it back. I specifically remember taking decorations down in the bathroom because they were covered in dust (and were from when BM was still there) and going to find new decorations. When I went back into the bathroom, one of the twins (the one who had liked me) had pulled the old decorations out of the garbage and hung them back up. That was my first hint of how DH was going to be with the girls. He said nothing. My SDs made fun of my kids - called my oldest names (because he's incredibly smart and popular), made fun of my middle daughter, and really picked at my youngest - saying she was a baby and being outright mean to her (she just asked me yesterday why DH's kids hate her so much). DH never heard the comments, even if he was in the same room. Then, OSD started causing trouble. She started with texts to me about her dad - horrible things about how he only married me because he hadn't gotten laid in 12 years, that he was a loser..you name it, she said it. When that didn't work, she lied to her sister and contaminated that relationship to almost the breaking point. When I didn't leave at that, she then texts her sister to tell her that DH had told her (OSD) that I had said I didn't like her kids. DH goes and "talks" to her, tells her he knows she lied, but doesn't give any consequences to her...this pattern of behavior continues until her wedding.

I kept trying; I kept telling myself...it's going to get better. DH is finally going to see what they are doing and how they are treating me and let them have it. Boy was I stupid. Blood is thicker than water, and when you've been the father (and sole parent) of four daughters for 12 years, you're screwed. Daddy guilt, whatever you call it...has been there the entire time. I was so in love with him that I overlooked all of it. I read LilyBelle's blog post about her talking to her SO about the SD and wanting them to come up with a plan that could be amended along the way. Why didn't I do that? Why didn't I ask him before we got married if he was going to support me when things got bad with his kids? Was I that stupid to think that love was the answer? Proverbs 10:12 - Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. (You know who you are - see I can quote Scripture) Did I really think that love would cover up all that - DH says that love covers a multitude of sin. Sorry- but there isn't enough love to cover the sin in his family.

OSD gets married - makes it a point that I am not part of the wedding - I'm the only "family" without flower- DH doesn't want his picture taken with EW - OSD goes behind his back and tricks him into it - and of course, because he's so afraid of conflict, falls into the trap. That begins the brutal fighting...now we fight about his kids on a daily basis. The YSD is a whiner, always sick, and Daddy's baby. We went looking for Easter clothes, and she hung all over him to the point that I was walking behind them because I was humiliated by the way she was acting. She sits in his lap...he hugs me and she walks up and puts her head on his chest....does he say anything - oh, wait...have to give credit- he did "ask" her if she thought she was too old to sit on his lap. I've almost broken him of doing everything for her...until last year, she couldn't even pick up her own prescriptions...I'd almost broken him of doing it until the other night. One SD (the other twin) and I get along great - SS and I = great. What is wrong with these other three?

We've been to 4 different counselors. The first two said I needed to get a tougher skin and learn the difference between parental and spousal love. Really? I'm sorry, but doesn't spousal love trump? Isn't our relationship supposed to be our #1 priority to set a good example for the kids? The "stepfamily" counselor says I need to accept the baby steps DH is taking...that's not good enough...I'm sure that some of you would say that I should be happy with baby steps...but I've gone through 2 years of hell...I want more than baby steps.

I honestly love him - I love his blue eyes...eyes so blue that when you see him across the room, you have to take a second look. He's from the south, and has that southern drawl. I love to hear him preach, not only for the message, but just so I can hear him talk. He has the most gorgeous curly hair...I love to run my fingers through it. He's so compassionate (with everyone else), he's sensitive (almost to a fault), and he's a lot of fun to be around and has a great sense of humor. I think I saw the man I wanted him to be, not the man he is. I thought that he would love me enough and respect me enough to try and protect me from all of this (counselor #3 told me that was wrong). I'm so tired of fighting...I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt. This sucks.