OT-- Huge fight
FDH (my fiance) and I had a horrible blow up this a.m.
It was both our faults, but ended up with us both screaming, throwing dishes, destroying the breakfast he was making, wrecking the kitchen. We have literally never had a fight like that before. He yells sometimes when he is really mad, but I don't respond, talking in a calm voice, and he usually gets himself under control. That's always been my way. Today I didn't do that, I argued with him, and yelled back, and generally lost it. SD8 couldn't help but overhear, we were very loud.
I don't know why it got so out of control, a combination of stress, chores, money issues, buying a house, traveling to see my family this weekend, tons of work, and SD is home for the summer so she is there all day. Maybe. I just don't know. Some of it was older issues from his marriage to BM too. saying how he had already heard this argument from her and wouldn't hear it again (about him doing household chores even though he makes most of the money... he resents that.)
Afterward we really both thought we were going to split up. we even started discussing who would live where and how to move stuff. He went in and apologized to Sd, explaining it was his fault and he shouldn't yell. He said he would clean up the kitchen while I took SD out to breakfast. i did, and we came back, I helped clean the rest of the kitchen. All trying to wrap my head around breaking up.
Then he said he doesn't want to split, I told him I don't want to be yelled at for any reason, he said he will try harder, and I said I will work harder to address some of the issues that set off the fight, like that I don't make much money (by design, he wanted to give me a break from work last year and I accepted) and was getting ready to just be a homemaker. but that's obviously not working for us. I know, this is confusing from the outside. I don't know how to explain and I am still pretty shook up inside.
it was just so scary because we never fight like that, and I am not happy about the fact that the first time I "fight back" instead of taking my usual non-confrontational tone, we end up on the edge of splitting. But maybe that has nothing to do with it, I don't know. he's so wonderful in so many ways, but I think we have a lot of working on our issues to do, especially the way he seems to see my role in the house. I think he feels that because he makes more money, I should not argue with him. I have NO idea how those two things are related though, it does not make any sense to me.
I am getting the feeling he puts a lot more value on money than I do. Maybe because he grew up very poor without even running water while he was a child, and I grew up quite privileged in the rich part of town with two professional parents and never even knew that there were families that lived the way DH's did.
OK back to work with me. I post really long posts, I am too wordy. It just seems so complicated.
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I can relate-I think that the
I can relate-I think that the only way I've avoided fights is just to state my case, let him make some nasty comment, and then not reply to it.
But it is SO hard not to reply to the nasty comment...and knowing/feeling that the pressure to avoid horrific fights will always be on my shoulders because he's going to let off whatever steam he has in him, makes me feel like crap. He should not be allowed to do something (yell, etc.) that he wouldn't take right back from me.
That said, the comment about already having had this argument with BM would have ticked me off. Your relationship is not a continuation of theirs. Are you supposed to confer with BM on what they've already argued about?
stepkate, that is exactly how
stepkate, that is exactly how I feel. especially this: He should not be allowed to do something (yell, etc.) that he wouldn't take right back from me.
Anyway, I do know all the issues he had with BM and the things they argued about, because we run into the same problems a lot of the time. And he always tells me when it is something she used to do or say. (so far, I have avoided saying "well maybe she had a point then" cause that would really hurt him) It makes me feel like I am just BM v 2.0 though.
I guess we both thought that
I guess we both thought that we could operate as a household the way that he & bm did (i.e., she stays at home, he works) But it is turning out he has major emotional issues with that. I don't care either way, my career is in a field where I can work from home just fine. Or, I can go get an office job. But one of the things he liked about me when we met is that I had a successful career in the workplace and wouldn't be "sucking" off of him.
Then we decided after a year or so of living together that it would be ok if I worked at home, although it would mean I made less money, I hated my job so much and would be constantly stressed, with ulcers and migraines daily. He wanted to spare me that and help me do something I loved and wanted to do (my current work-at-home job). Now, though, he is putting me in the same category as the non-working BM when they were married. It used to be fairly evenly split in terms of income; now he makes more and I guess he is having a hard time remembering why we set it up this way.
I agree I see no good coming
I agree I see no good coming out of this
I know you have it rough. I
I know you have it rough. I am amazed at how you handle it all I'd be a wreck.
I know too but sometimes its
I know too but sometimes its worth it financially to stick it out as long as you can.
crayon, I wish you well in
crayon, I wish you well in your situation, I have sympathy too. I was once married to an angry irrational alcoholic. My FDH now is none of those things, he is 99 % gentle and loving, and never has called me a name. I guess I didn't portray very well how very out of character this is for him too. We have only ever had a few yelling instances... I don't want you all to think I am being abused, nothing could be further from the truth. However I hope you get some relief from your situation
I will tell you that as
I will tell you that as someone who makes all the money it becomes a real pain in the ass and you feel like you're being taken advantage of pretty much all the time.
I have a weekly housekeeper, we pay her to grocery shop, to go to the cleaners for us, I pay the bills, etc.
So when someone has to go pick up the dogs from the vet I don't want to hear "well I've got plans with SD". I want to hear "you're working to pay for this lap of luxury in which I'm lying and I will be GLAD to go get the dogs".
Maybe that's just me but it's really a pisser to be asked to run to the store or told she doesn't have time to do something. You HAVE to contribute in some way, and if it's just with sex then you're a prostitute without the title!
confused, That sounds like
confused,
That sounds like she really is taking advantage of you, although I can't agree with the response you expect from her -- only gratitude, always? Not realistic when we're talking about human beings here.
I hope my fdh doesn't feel this way, cause if he ever said the only thing I was contributing was sex, that would dry up pretty quick so he could see it's not a contribution at all -- it's a two-way street.
Anyway, he doesn't make all the money. He just makes about 2/3 of it to my 1/3. We've split the chores with a heavier share on me as a result; but he still has to do his. If we could hire help I would in a heartbeat -- and take the extra time to work, not laze around.