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OT-- My bio family-- Really really long!

justmakingthebest's picture

I really don't know where else to get some of this out but I need to write it all down becasue it is crazy and I am so emotional about it all. This will be long! Grab some popcorn if you stay to read! 

My mom was adopted- like out of an orphanage when she was a baby. (this is important later)

My mom's first marriage was becasue she fell in love with my older sister. My sister was 2 and out bio dad had full custody. Her mom is a full blow schizophrenic who has been in and out of jail, group homes, and psych wards my sister's whole life. She needed a mommy. My mom is one of those mom's who is amazing at "momming". She is so wonderful, I just can't even tell you. After they got married bio dad started (or stopped hiding) that he was into some pretty heavy drugs, started dealing and started abusing. My mom was only allowed to have 2 pairs of pants and 2 shirts. Only rubber flip flops for shoes. She wasn't allowed to work and they didn't have food to put on the table. One night when I was 9 months old she walked into my room to check on me. He was in there smoking crack next to my crib. My mom lost it. Grabbed me and said she was done. She tried to take my sister too. He beat her to a bloody pulp while her body covered mine to protect me. Then he took my formula and left with the only car and her flip flops so she would be punished. 

My mom somehow made it to a neighbor, called my uncle and he saved us. My grandparents were well off and had enough connections that bio dad was served divorce papers the next day (on a sunday). He traded full custody of me to my mom to keep her from pressing charges. My mom tried to get my sister too but couldn't. I only saw him one time after that. I was 3 and he kidnapped me. It took the police 2 days to find me. I don't remember anything but the police car ride to my mom... I threw up. He went to prision for 15 years after that for drug charges. I don't know if the cops found them on him when they found me or what... He just went away. 

My mom remarried when I was 5 and my step dad adopted me at 7. I grew up in a safe, loving, wonderful home. I never knew what it was like to be hungry, or abused or anything like that. My "stepdad" is my dad. He is my kids grandfather, he is my hero. My mom and dad never told me much about my bio. They told me he loved me. They told me he was sick and drugs were bad so he had to go away. That was about it. 

I got married really young. Barely 19. Military guy swept me off of my feet and he had orders to go. So, we got married and went. I never wanted to hurt my mom or dad's feelings so I never searched my bio dad out while I was at home. When I was about 22 I decided I could do this. The internet had all kinds of search engines, surely you can find people! Well... I found 4 with the same name in the last state that I knew he lived in. So I called , left messages on answering machines and a couple of days later I got a call back. I was so happy... I didn't know what kind of evil was on the other end of that line. Bio had gone on to have 2 other kids (so up to 4 that I know of). My little brothers were so sweet. I was able to talk to them on the phone and I sent them presents and cards and pictures. I was so excited but then things started to turn. It took only a month for me to see what kind of evil he was. I found out I was pregnant and knew that I couldn't let him near my child or even let him know that they exist. I had to cut all ties. The last email my bio sent me was that he was telling my brothers that I died because I was just a dumb c*nt that they didn't need in their lives (Nice dad, huh?)

Fast forward to yesterday...My mom found her bio dad finally after 60 years. She decided to reach out to her 1/2 sister with a letter. This inspired me to try and find my brothers since I knew that they were both over 18 now. I felt it was safe to try. I found the older one. He is 22 now. He called me and we both cried. He has had such a hard and horrible life. He just kept telling me he missed me so much. He never knew why I disappeared. He kept talking about a monkey I sent him and he still has it. 

He wants to come see me and my family. He has had such a hard life and I was so sheltered from it all. My kids don't have a clue what it would have been like for him. He is very poor. He was homeless for a while. He is living with friends now. He hasn't had any communication with our bio in 2 years. His mother is an addict and he stays away from her too. I asked him about his childhood and he said let's just say it was very bloody. We were always being beaten. 

I feel so guilty. I knew those boys were going to have a horrible life. I chose to walk away from them. I don't know if I could have gotten custody. I don't know if I could have made anything easier for them. I don't know. I was just a 1/2 sister and in my early 20's. I never even saw them face to face. Now I am afraid that even though this brother of mine has escaped our bio and is trying his best... he was raised by evil. Would he try and steal from me? Would he ever hurt me or my kids? I don't know. I don't want to think about it. He wants to come here and see me. He wants to see our sister too (she and I are still close, since bio went to prision and she was raised by her grandparents). I am jus a wreck over it. DH just keeps telling me to lock my heart up and be cautious. I have a really hard time doing that. 


Gimlet's picture

I'm so sorry for what you and your siblings went through. 

I want to address this specifically "I feel so guilty. I knew those boys were going to have a horrible life. I chose to walk away from them"

You did NOT choose to walk away.  You chose to keep your child safe, which is your #1 responsibility as a parent.  You did the right thing.  It is really unfortunate that your bio is a terrible person, and that their mother wasn't able to protect them (and added to the abuse from the sound of it).  I am so happy that your mother was strong enough to protect you and that your stepfather stepped up for you.

Please stop torturing yourself with this.  You did your best and you have a loving heart, just like your mom.  I think that your husband is right, you must proceed with caution.  Don't let your guilt push you to dash headlong into a relationship that is this emotionally dense.  He may be just fine, but he may also be a damaged person, through no fault of his own.  I would recommend meeting in a public place first, with your husband present.  Do not invite him to your home.   Your half brother is in a position where he might be desperate and grasping at straws, and you are in a good position to be emotionally manipulated.  Your first responsibility is still to your children and family, and you're doing such a wonderful job with it.  

I hope this turns out well, but please be prepared for the fact that he may not be who you remember, or who you would like him to be.  This is NOT your fault.  You did not abuse him or neglect him.  You took care of yourself and your own child, and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

((hugs)) again.  

hereiam's picture

I agree with your husband, you need to be careful, and not only with your heart.

I know this is your brother but you don't know him. And he doesn't know you, therefore has no real loyalty to you. He could just want to use you.

He came from a bad seed and was raised by that same bad seed, in a bad, violent environment. You have no idea what kind of a person he really is.

Frankly, I would not let him come to you. If you want to meet him, go to him, or meet somewhere in the middle. A visit from him could very well turn into something else. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are going to be guilted into something, like letting him "stay" with you.

I know you feel for him and he's your brother but remember, people raised in the kind of situation that he was, think about survival first. I think you need to get to know him better, before you welcome him into your home and into your life.

justmakingthebest's picture

You are right, I kept my kids safe before and I will do it again if I need to. Thankfully he isn't local, so it is nothing that is in our face. 

Mystic18's picture

Wow.  I am so sorry and I can empathize with what you're going through to some degree. 
I am adopted.  I found my birth mom in 2011 (via Facebook) and found out then that I have 2 half brothers and a half sister.  37 years old at the time - had no idea I was the oldest of 4, by birth.  At first it was like a Lifetime movie playing out in real time...until it wasn't.  

I allowed them ALL into my life with open arms  Right? It became clear after only a few conversations that my siblings had grown up in a pretty rough environment.  I get the sense that I was not told the full truth but after what I heard, I didn't need to know more.  Within a month of our virtual meet and greet, the younger of my two brothers was killed/took his own life (I met everyone in person for the first time at his funeral - both bio mom and the older bro invited me) .  Cousins came out of the woodwork as well and told me some horrific tales of the older brother having been sexually abused by his father and reinacting that out on the younger bro and sis, drugs, etc.  

While I initially felt that this was the family I'd wanted and needed my whole life, I was very quick to change my mind about all that.  I stopped feeling safe.  I stopped feeling respected.  It became painfully clear that while I was technically the kids' older sister, I didn't know these people AT ALL.  I felt guilty for quite a while that I, too, escaped that kind of painful childhood.  I eventually worked through that, though because at the beginning and end of each day, my kids and husband are my family.  Am I just rambling or does any of this make sense? lol I feel like I would give you a hug and encourage you to protect yourself and your family AT ALL COSTS.  His pain and circumstances are not your responsibility and while we can be compassionate to these 'newly found' family members, it shouldn't come at a cost.  I know it's difficult to cut and/or limit contact, or even choose for yourself the contact that you feel is appropriate but I really feel like it needs to be done.  If you were not related by blood, would you want him in your home? I agree with hereiam - meet in a neutral place first if you'd like face to face contact.  But don't risk bringing potentially dangerous energy and behavior into your home that is supposed to be your haven.  

You got this.  I promise.  Choose you. Smile

justmakingthebest's picture

Thank you so much for sharing. It is this awful place that yours and my bio put us in. I don't know what will come. As of now, it seems he is just a young kid (22 is so young to me) trying to escape his life. Maybe I can help advise, maybe I can be a friend... maybe I have to walk away again. 

I think I will try and plan something on a weekend where I don't have my kids that I can drive down with DH to meet him. We can stay at a hotel and just hang out. He is about 5 hours away so not too terrible. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Sending you peace, love and light. I know from experience that this conflicting so always follow your intuition.