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After 6 months of Peace and Quiet SD18 moved back in, and creates drama within 24hrs (sorry- long)

SteppedInIt's picture

I haven't blogged in ages, as things were good for a while. SD (then 17) moved out in the summer after graduation (long story, involves lots of bad decisions, lying, drama, conspiring with BM to lie to us) to live with her nasty boyfriend. Since then, life with DH has been wonderful. We haven't fought at all, and for the first time in 4 years, I believed that we would spend the rest of our lives together in relative peace.

Fast forward 6 months later, things aren't going so ducky for SD18 and her "free wheeling" life. Her and her boyfriend are breaking up (for the umpteenth time), she has no money, she is sick all the time (no doubt from bad eating, smoking and drinking), and her school is suffering. SD18 contacted her Dad over Christmas asking to move back in here, and agreeing to following the rules of our house (nothing strict, but she had to go to school full time or work full time). SD said that she was thinking about taking 8 weeks off of school (it is a vocational school for HS graduates), but that she hadn't decided yet. DH figured he would send her to school this week so see how she fared and then we could all discuss what she should do after the first week.

Within 24 hours of her moving back in , we get a text from BM "informing" us that SD18 will be taking 3 months off of school and that during that time, SD will work two days a week.

Apparantly, payment to the school was supposed to be made at the beginning of December (by BGM)to cover the Jan-Mar term. Payment was never made. Therefore, dropping out of school was the plan all along, hatched by SD and BM, and neither was going to tell us until SD snuck her way back into our house to live for free. I am more P.O.'d that SD lied to us when she didn't tell us that she wasn't going back to school. 24 hours at our house and already lying. We're exactly where we were 1 year ago.

I am so sick of having BM dictate what is going to happen in OUR HOUSE! She had the last 6 months to help her own daughter if she wanted to, but just kept encouraging her to make bad choice after bad choice. If she wanted to parent her daughter, then by all means have SD move in with her (BM lives 4 hours away). Oh wait, I forgot, that would cramp her paryting lifestyle with BM's deadbeat drug dealing, live in boy friend (note that BM was in rehab last year). It's easier for her to send SD to live with us and for us to fix SD's problems, and to lay on her couch hundreds of miles away and conspire with her daughter on how SD will live her life here with us. BM tries to make arrangements with her daughter and then "inform" DH what he is to do. She was a failure as a mother who can't keep her nose out of our business.

Dh and I and now fighting because he feels helpless and doesn't know what to do now that this bomb was dropped on us. This is the same BS excuse he used last year with SD. I have tried to stay out of DH's issues with his daughter, but I'm finally at the end of my rope. When I get hope from work today, I'm having a "Come to Jesus" talk with both SD and DH. I will not tolerate a re-enactment of what happened last year, where basically SD was allowed to do whatever she wanted. If it were my child, I would have dragged her to school kicking and screaming this morning. However, in lieu of that, SD better get a fulltime job in the next 5 days and she will be paying us $250/month in room and board. Can't find work, honey? Then you are my SLAVE 8 hours a day, raking, cleaning gutters, windows, laundry, etc.. And I don't pay slaves........

I feel like I'm forced to jump into the situation in order to save my marriage. I've never really had this kind of conversation with my SD before and would love an input as to what to say to her to get her to listen and to realize that unlike her parents, I mean what I say and will not back down. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

24 hours after she moved in and DH and I are already fighting again. DH doesn't see what is daughter is doing to us - he thinks I've "changed" and become more moody - HAH! Can you believe it?

thx

Comments

daisy0202's picture

OMG sweety this sucks!!!!Unfortunately I have no words of wisdowm but I wish you all the luck in the world!!!!

I do however agree you need to sit them both down and lay the law out espicially if DH isn't going to.....Godd Luck again!!!

SteppedInIt's picture

Thanks mom2many, I will try to get DH to send that reply back to his ex. Much appreciated!

Ommy's picture

I would have one sit down as a last chance. Tell her that this is not BM’s home and there will be no discussing with BM what will be taking place as far as rules in your home. Let her know that she may or may not have known about the text BM sent but she can inform BM that the rules under her father’s roof have been discusses with her and there is no need for BM to create rules for her fathers house hold. I would also confront her about school never being paid for. She is an adult not a child and she can start to act like an adult and take responsibility for her actions.

On a side note $250? Really that is cheap. I was fresh out of the military and stayed with my parents for a couple months why I looked for a job and a place to live and the agreed amount was $400. and I talked them down from $500. Does that include food or does she have to buy her own?

SteppedInIt's picture

As SD is 18, it's hard to forbid her from speaking to her mother - that said, you'd think at that age she would have enough sense to stop sending her mother in to do her dirty work......the kid has always been bailed out of any trouble she's gotten herself into....and I blame both parents for that. But we have told her that her Mom contacts her too often (6X daily) and that BM uses her daughter as a crutch (again, note the Mom went to rehab and I dont think has stayed sober).

I guess $250 room & board is cheap (it includes food), but I figure that the plan is that she will go back to school in 3 months, so it's not for a long time. She doesn't have two nickels to rub together right now. She literally showed up at our house this weekend with her stuff in green garbage bags. If she doesn't go back to school, however, I agree that increasing it would be in order. Ommy, it sounds like your parents were smart enough to teach you responsibility......I bet you appreciated that when you got older. I wish DH and BM were that way.

Thanks for all of your input, I don't have any family and it really helps me to have a shoulder to lean on today Smile

JustAnotherSM's picture

I'm also dealing with a repeat from a year ago (SS19 is talking of joining the army again - but he's all talk and no walk). I let another family member move in last time SS left so we don't have any room for him if he decides he wants to move back in again. }:)

Be calm. Take a deep breath. Then very clearly explain to both your DH and SD that this is how things are going to be. No "or else" or other threats. Noncompliance means they choose not to live with you anymore. Then calmly explain your expectations. Do not lose your cool. Even if you are totally stressed and at the end of your rope - keep your wits about you and don't let these people throw you off track with their emotional manipulations. Use facts not feelings. After that, you should have a private conversation with DH to prove that the drama returned with SD. Keep it to the facts and he won't be able to argue with you. Withhold any judgements of SD during this convo (you can share those feelings with us). Let your DH know that you need him to stand together with you in order to save the marriage and help SD. Win-Win!

There should also be no contact with BM. Any emails, texts or phone calls from BM should be ignored. Preferably block her number and email address. Even if DH and BM are splitting college costs - there is no reason that BM needs to contact DH. In my experience, it's is always much better to work directly with the service providers (school, doctors, etc.) to ensure that payments are made.

Best of luck to you in ridding your house of the SD.

SteppedInIt's picture

JASM, thank you for encouraging me to take a deep breath. I have been harboring so much resentment for so long, I was afraid that I would lose my cool. You're right, I've never lost my cool before with her before, so I shouldn't start now. I have taken the high road for 4 1/2 years (making NO comments about her mother), but will (calmly) tell SD that her mother has no place or influence in our home, and the if SD and BM choose to try otherwise, then SD is choosing to not comply with my expectations and that means she is choosing to to move out. This is about SD's choices, not my consequences.

I truly want to leave this up to SD. If she wants to move out and drop out of school, then so be it. Sadly, I do not feel vested in her future anymore. I am tired of trying to pick of the pieces of a shattered SD and her BM everything everything blows up. I would have a hard time doing this if she were my own daughter (I don't have children of my own), but have to accept that I had no hand in raising this girl and will to offer my best to her, but not at all costs. I am assuming that at some point, she will go back to her old ways and we will have to ask her to leave.........such a smart girl, so sad for her.