You are here

What do you do when you're 99% sure DH is lying to you?

Elizabeth's picture

This is getting to be such a constant thing, I question myself as to whether/how anyone can actively lie THAT MUCH.

DH just informed me that SD18 gave him her old cell phone (iphone). I asked why. DH has a phone, SD's is less than two years old and, I'm assuming, nothing is wrong with it. And SD18 is so money hungry, no way she'd give it away for free. DH says SD18's contract is up and she could get a new phone for free.

But here's the kicker. I was checking DH's texts and found one where he told SD18 he'd pay her $50 for her old phone.

Now DH is saying SD18 gave it to him for free. He didn't pay her anything (he says). That text has since been erased, and I'm reluctant to reference it because checking those texts is the only way I know what is going on (like checking this morning and finding a text from SD18 telling DH to buy her a pair of pants ($44) and a shirt ($34).

I'm tempted to tell him "I know you're lying" and see what he says. It has worked in the past. But I am so tired of playing detective and "uncovering" these lies, only to have him excuse them away.

(Don't even get me started on the fact that SD18 obtained this iphone by getting in a fight with BM when she was 17 and moving out of the house into grandma's house. SD18 already had a phone and BM had taken it away as punishment (very rare) for bad behavior. Grandma wanted to get SD18 on "her side" and SD18 told her the price was an iphone.)


stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Ewww.... My DH has a "tell" when he lies or tries to lie to me, I make him look me straight in the face. He will try to lie and he kinda starts to smile. I usually say 'busted' and the truth comes pouring out. My dad told me when I was a young adult, that he used to like to play poker & told me that if you watch someones body language & the way they respond to things, youll figure out what their 'tell' is when they lie. This also works for when they are mad, sad,excited,etc.

Elizabeth's picture

I got it out of him once before by telling him, "I know you are lying." He just wanted to know how I knew, and eventually he admitted he was lying. But I hate pulling that all the time. Why should I have to police my husband for lying? He knows I'm pissed and he's being all overly nice to me, but he keeps lying. So how does that help?

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

SO use to have a habit of lying to me all the time about really senseless stupid stuff. Then I basically kicked him out, only way he would learn apparently, he still lies on occasion but before it was like everyday lying about stuff. He's still not actually living with me but that is because of other stuff too. I'm by no means saying kick your hubby out lol but I would def confront him about it. You know how I always use to catch SO when I was suspicious about something? I'd say "A little birdie told me blah blah blah" He'd always cave over that, then I'd tell him no one actually told me that I just had a sneaking suspicion, lol and he always falls for it. Sigh.

Kes's picture

I think if I were 99% sure my DH was lying to me, I would want to think very carefully about whether I wanted him in my life any more.

Holly's picture

I know most people's breaking point would be infidelity but I have to say mine is lying. I CAN'T STAND LIARS. I have always punished my kids more for lying to me about doing something wrong than the actual deed.

I simply could not and cannot bear to live with someone I cannot trust. And if I can't trust them to be truthful about the simple little things then I darn well can't trust them for the biggies.

DaizyDuke's picture

My DH tends to do what I call "Lie by omission" So he doesn't flat out lie about things, he just doesn't tell at all, unless I drag it out of him. And he knows damn well that keeping secrets is right up there in my book of unforgivables with lieing, cheating and sneaking around (probably because they are all related)

For instance, about a month ago, DH told me that SS had called and was home from school (BM let him skip because he was "tired") and asked if DH could come and get him. DH of course went and got him and told me they went and got lunch and that was were the story ended. Then later, DH happens to tell me how he bought some bullets (or some such thing) at a sporting good store and didn't realize until later that they were $14.00 and not $2.00 like he thought. Well, I'm not an idiot and I know damn well that DH obviously bought other things with those $2.00 bullets, if he didn't notice a dang $12.00 difference in price when he checked out... so I said, well what else did you buy there... oh, then it comes out that he bought SS a new coat "cause it was on sale and a really great deal".. blah blah. I was pissed.. not only because this was like 2 weeks after Christmas, but also because, HELLO??? The freeking kid was skipping school! So DH takes him to lunch and buys him a new coat???? didn't talk to him for the rest of the night. I HATE it when he does that crap... cause then I start thinking.. well I wonder what ELSE DH is out buying for SS and not telling me? Oh and another classic "Omission" example? When he got in a huge brawl with BM right before Christmas... so DH starts ticking off all of the horrible crap that BM does including how DH gave SS $125.00 to get a new pair of sneakers and SS gave the money to BM to hang on to for him and she spent it. Pissed again! First I ever heard of DH forking over $125.00 for sneakers... UGH!

I don't even bother picking a fight with him anymore about it, he's not going to stop. I guess it bugs me most, because DH obviously knows that this crap is ridiculous, which is why he is not telling me, so why does he continue to do it???

Elizabeth's picture

It just gets worse and worse. Checked his texts again this morning and found out he gave SD18 a GPS. I knew something was up when he insisted on getting a nook "for our two BDs" ages 8 and 5. I knew it wasn't for them, it was for DH, but in actuality it was a "tit for tat" situation where SD18 got an expensive toy so he decided it would "justify" his expenditure if he got a toy for our two BDs as well. Seriously, you bought your grown daughter a Valentine's Day gift that costs more than $100? Nice...

Unfreakingreal's picture

Mine won't flat out lie, he'll just PRETEND to forget. Most of the things I find out thru digging thru his phone. Anything that has to do with BM he rarely tells me especially if it's petty. He does it to avoid a fight. I get angrier when he doesn't tell me. But I DO get it. We've been dealing with that psycho for almost 12 years now. She's a fucking lunatic and honestly, she isn't even worth mentioning so I ignore it. Unless it's something important.

Elizabeth's picture

Frankly, I really can't stand it. I have been standoffish with DH ever since the original incident, and I can't seem to get over it. He has apologized and said he will never lie again, but I just do not believe him. I don't know where to go from here. It's to the point where he's starting to get mad at me for not forgiving him and moving on, but I just can't. It's hard to believe a word that comes out of his mouth, and how can you ever be close to someone you can't believe/trust? All I can think of is counseling, but don't even know if I want to do that because last time we did he decided after seven sessions and some workable recommendations for both of us that he didn't like the counselor and so wasn't going to listen to or do a thing she said. All that time out the window, and it was painful to hash through all that stuff only to have nothing change. I'm just kind of numb.