I really don't think you will be able to convince them to have anything to do with you or your child. I think you have to figure out a way to accept the consequences of your actions. You can not control how others will react to your choices.

I think this is something where you have to sit back, and let them all decide if or what type of relationship they want. Unfortuniately when a spouse decides to end a marriage with children in that way, there will be consequences down the road. Why I think its important to get divorced first, and end ones business before taking up with someone else, regardless.

I would also look at the positive, that his children are at least talking to them, I've known people where the kids cut off the other parent that did that. At this point I would just be concerned with your own family, daughter and dh period. If things get better great, but at this point you just have to move forward. Also, its pretty common for the first kids to not acknowledge or accept another sibling from a mother thats not their own, especially if they don't live together. I don't think grown kids have to, and what about men that end up going from woman to woman having children. More often than not those kids don't accept the others as siblings, why should they. I know one man who left his wife and kids for her best friend, nice huh? To this day his kids or grandkids don't have a relationship and his kids even changed their last name to the stepfathers, who they deemed their real father. I'm just saying, don't stress it can't be undone at this point, and everyone will set their own boundaries.

I now regret that I allowed and actually encouraged my two minor children to have a relationship with their half siblings - well actually their nephews because their adult halfbrother and half sister really have never had any interest in them - other than lately when they have only shown interest to try to manipulate them.

I was a fool to think that two skids raised with max PAS all of thier lives would ever truely grow up and not be just like BM with all of her craziness and vindictiveness. All of this has gone on for over 27 years and I was not even remotely involved in the breakup of their parents marriage! In your case, since you were the cause, i can not see this working out any better for you. Now in their mid 30s my adult step kids still blame everything that has gone wrong their entire lives on their poor father and reportedly blame me because I do not dole out the exact same amount for gifts at Christmas to them that I spend on my minor daughters.

Unfortunately my minor children became close enough to their nephews that my step children's latest vindictive act (refusal to talk to any of us over a minor inheritance that was not theirs) has also caused my children pain. I really think that my BKids and myself were much better off when Bkids really did not know that they ( half brother/half sister) existed. (When skids refused to come around the first half of the Bkids lives, I did not force pictures on Bkids - it was a non issue as the children were too young to understand anyway)

It really burns me up to have witnissed the half sister's manipulative tricks over the past year which placed my children in the middle. The look of glee on her evil face told it all. She enjoyed the fact that she caused my child pain and made her cry through her actions and that I will not tolerate.

So be careful for what you wish because it may end up being worse than you ever expected.

How can you expect the stepsons to even want to look upon you if they know you were the other woman? No matter how accidental or unplanned it was...in their mind you are not their stepmother you are simply the reason their "poor mommy" was hurt. How can you expect them to want a relationship with your daughter just because they share a father? There is no love for her from them...why should there be?
Honestly if I were you, I'd evaluate the situation from year to year and talk to your daughter about it when she's a lot older. If they continue to be non-existent in her life that's their loss NOT HERS OR YOURS. Your daughter can be made to understand the "nice men" in the pictures are daddys boys from another life. Be happy with your family and your baby...if the children of your husband want to continue to be bitter about the past then it is their right to do so...no need getting yourself stressed about people who shouldn't really matter to you or your baby.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

I think you just need to cross that bridge when it gets here. There is nothing you can do about the actions of others, although sometimes other's actions can be hurtful. I'm not sure how your daughter would feel later on down the road, but I'm not sure she would 'feel' like she missed out on anything with her half brothers absence since they were never involved with her to begin with. It's kinda like the sayin' "You can't miss what you never had".

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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

this sometimes. I have 5 skids who were 13 - 31 when DH and I got married. The 20-somethings in the middle were absolutely the worst at considering adaptation to the changes (the 13 y/o was the best). At that age they are very very invested in their family story, have worked the dynamics to benefit themselves quite effectively, and if the dad has been the disenfranchised checkbook throughout their childhood, they certainly don't want any threat of the checkbook closing on them because of some new wife.

My BD, 16 at the time of our marriage, approached the acqusition of 5 long-distance siblings with enthusiasm. One by one they found their rhythm.

Six years and many many misadventures later, we seem to have found our functional roles and a peaceful enough dynamic.

It's a work in process and sometimes that's the best reminder we can resonate to.

I have been here. My father had an affair with someone at work and left my mom after 28 years of marriage. I have a relationship with my father now. It has been 11 years since they got married. My mother has never dated or re-married. My sisters have no relationship with him. They call her the Bitch and him the ass***. They are still very angry. I don't consider her my step-mom but she is my father's wife. We don't have a relationship, just cordial when we see each other a few times a year.

Your Step sons are trying to mend with their father. They will never mend with you. You are the enemy. Sorry to be harsh, but you have to understand there are ramifications for your actions. Sad thing is your daughter is caught up in this. Someday when she is older she can reach out to them, but you shouldn't. It is not your place. Don't do it. I would have been so mean if my dad's wife had. She stepped back and knew her place.

Maybe time will make them accept her, but that is a big if. My sisters have not ever accepted her. They are very angry still after all this time. I am too, but I am more forgiving and want a relationship with my dad and what comes with that. Trust me I have done the therapy and this is what works for me. You need to accept what happened and stay the he** out of it.

My mother went through this. My grandmother was previously married and had three children with her first husband and my grandfather had two with his first wife. My mother was the only child of their union. Her father died when she was 8. She has a regular relationship with my grandmother's children from her first marriage, but an almost non-existent relationship with her half brother and no relationship at all with her half sister from my grandfather's previous marriage. My grandmother was the other woman too.

Neither my grandfather nor my grandmother forced a relationship with his children. Once my mother grew up she sought them out. Her half brother warmed some, but her half sister would have nothing to do with her still... 40 years later and would not come to any family functions with paternal uncles if my mother was there.

This is not something you can control. My mother is still the person she is today without a relationship with her paternal half sister. It really is no sweat off her back. You will have to sit back and let the kids form their own relationships when they grow up. Maybe they will have a relationship and maybe they won't, but it won't change who your daughter is or who she is going to be. It probably won't even phase her in the least.

I agree with longtime, you may be better off and I probably wouldn't mention them considering the situation, plus it may be best to keep them away from your child, especially since there's hostile feelings. Who knows you may end up having another child with dh down the road so then your daughter would have a sibling.

I have a different take on this, who knew right.

Look, you are thier fathers wife, and your child is their sister. If they don't want anything to do with you because you were the "other" woman or their sister then F them.

Yes, you were a part of the divorce. But you know what, their FATHER is the one that was married to their mother not you. Just because this is how your relationship started does NOT mean that everyone in the world is entitled to shit on you for the rest of your life.

You'll have to answer for your demons, as will everyone else. No one, not even his kids, should think they can sit on their high horse of judgment. They don't know what was going on in that marriage, they have no idea what your DH delt with. No one does, but the BM and your DH.

My honest advice, don't push the issue with the adult kids. If they want to meet you and their sis fine, if not it's their loss.

DH's oldest daughter tried that shit to. She said she never wanted to be around me. DH basically told her if she didn't then she wouldn't be around him. Guess what, she comes over! Loves her sister, respects me, etc.

It's all a matter of what you are willing to live with.

CG is the one that kept telling me to forgive myself, once I did my whole new world opened up.

I think its just easier to blame the SM instead of "Daddy" or "Mommy"...just like its easier for the BM to blame the SM for everything that went wrong instead of owning up to her portion of what led to the divorce with or without infidelity. I think its just easier to blame the stranger instead of yur parents. JMO...doesn't make it right...

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how her children react when they see her cry.....

I know this may seem painful but its more important that your daughter have a relationship with her older brothers. If you weren't there, if your DH took you BD with him to one of these meetings with his sons would they object? If so, it seems irrational and unfair that they are punishing an innocent child for their anger towards you and their father.

Look it was probably NOT a huge surprise that the DH split with his wife, to her or him, if they are honest with themselves. Something must have been wrong somewhere to allow this to happen. I would not force a relationship but just be open if they come to you.

If they choose to be mean to a toddler, they are not the kind of people you want to be around anyway, family or no! It will all work out and if not, oh well, their loss. But I am sure it is painful to all for now but will get better with time.
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2