Feel like no one understands…
My situation is similar. Except my fiancé was away at Bootcamp and I received a message from a girl filling me in that her and my fiancé have a 6 month old son together. There's was a one night stand but he knew she was pregnant and begged her to have an abortion we believe she kept the baby for wrong reasons as she is not his type in any way with no respect for herself. She is a heroin addict. In and out of jail since 14. She's 30 now. She told him one way or another she would find him. She found me first and contacted me to inform me. Well at the time I was just so confused and doing the math if we were seeing each other or not which we weren't but still that was a lot to take in. Then while he was still gone I thought it would be best to go meet this baby with his mother without him home and that is one thing I will forever regret. My fiancé wanted nothing to do with the situation the girl did advice him that he didn't have to be apart and her and her family wanted this baby and she would let him be. She comes from a poor family and my fiancé's family has money. So we knew eventually she would be around. I never knew any of this though. He had so many opportunities to tell me and he said he didn't know how and at the time him being gone he wanted to do in person but he could have before he went away. Anyways. We eventually pushed this little boy onto my fiancé. He was so adamant he wanted nothing to do. Finally gave in. We became so close with this little boy from the age of 9 months until 13 months then a little after the little boys mother got in trouble again and was sent to a rehab where moms go and can take their kids. She took the baby away and we couldn't see him for 6 months. During that 6 months my fiancé and I conceived and were at our happiest. Well fast forward some and the little boy gets discharged from rehab. So he's back around and she expected us to pick up from where we left off at and everything had changed since then. Now we want nothing to do with this little boy. He's 3 and looks nothing like his father. DNA tests were done. Anyways. Fiancé's family is obsessed with him. They said they didn't have a baby at the time and jumped to the first baby that was brought around and that was their blood. I have 3 daughters from a previous relationship. My fiancé is amazing with them. He's been with my youngest since 13 months and she's 4 1/2 now. He's been such a huge father figure to her and steps up more than her bio dad. She calls him daddy vin vin. Sometimes I feel I am a terrible person or mother that I want nothing to do with this little boy. I have went out of my way to invite him over for Xmas morning and holidays because I know he won't get that on his moms side because her family is a different breed full of junkies. I just can't find within what to do. My fiancé wants nothing to do. He has PTSD from all of this. This all happened when he was under the influence and at a bad spot in his life with drugs and legal issues. He's clean and sober and living a positive happy healthy life with our girls. Him and I do have a 10 month old together. What do we do?! We feel his family puts Amelia our daughter last which hurts him so much because he has a relationship with me and such an inseparable bond with his daughter he's been with since the first pregnancy test and his family still chooses the Child he was a sperm donor for. Makes no sense to us. Please someone help me! :((((
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I feel
I feel as though I was tricked. My fiancé knew all about me and my daughters. Was with them for 6 months before he went away for a few. We were in constant contact with phone calls and mail and FaceTime visits. I never kept things from him. He kept one of the biggest secrets of a life changing thing. This little boy will forever be around unless his mother gets her shit together and moves but we don't see that happening. We see her back in the system. She's always in and out. My fiancé loves my girls so sometimes I feel guilty I don't try harder but he is the one who tells me to stop. He wants nothing to do with the boy. He feels no connection now and doesn't see it happening. He's bummed with how his family is with it all.
So did the DNA test come back
So did the DNA test come back and show the child was his?
Yes lol. Sorry should have
Yes lol. Sorry should have added that!
It's not your child. You
It's not your child. You should step out of having anything to do with the situation and let your SO make whatever decision he feels is best.
I understand that but then I
I understand that but then I feel his family blames me. When I've went out of my way to include this boy. It just pushes a wedge between our daughter and his family. It should be his decision though. Every week his family has to start a huge blow up over it. Every weekend. Same thing. Arguing over the same shit and my SO feels even more pushed away from the little boy because his own family won't let him make calls.
Your in laws sound like
Your in laws sound like amazing people to me. Honestly if I had a son that was a deadbeat dad I too would struggle being around him in a positive way. In fact I would hold his feet to the fire for him to man up. I as a grandparent could not imagine standing by silently while I watch a child of mine favor one of his kids over the other and do nothing. Especially when that child has no real advocates in his life to stand up for him.
Your SO has 2 choices (you
Your SO has 2 choices (you really don't have any here unfortunately). He can establish child support and walk away from parenting or he can fight for his child and be a part of his life.
One night stand or not, I would have little respect for a man who walked away from his child especially knowing that the BM is an addict. The chances of real harm to him are very high and your SO has the ability to care for his child.
I am glad that he is "stepping up" for your child, but he really needs to step up for his own. You are certainly not the only person on this board to have a surprise stepchild. Although, most of the men didn't know- yours did and lied to you about it (not telling you is lying). And remember, if he can walk away from one child, there is nothing to say he won't walk away from yours too one day.
My respect for someone who
My respect for someone who could walk away from their own child.. especially when the child is in a bad situation? non-existent.
Look, I get that you like your little family.. your own bios that he treats as his own.. and then the one you created together.. the other kid? whelp that was a messy mistake he should be able to walk away from right? no. when you create a life.. you don't get to cry "time out".. I wanna do-over.
He made a child with that woman.. and by all accounts.. when you found out about it, you couldn't have been dating long. BUT.. you decided to stay with him and for that.. you should be accepting that he does have a moral and legal obligation to the child.. even if it is only to pay financial support and not be a part of his life.. but morally.. this kid would benefit from interaction with his dad and his dad's family.. shoot.. your SO's family WANT to be in this child's life.
Just because the mom is a mess.. is almost more reason he should be fighting for his child.. if anything, he should want to get the child out of that situation.. if he is in a better place and all.
People are going to make
People are going to make judgements, especially family. Right or wrong, we don't allow men to walk away from being a parent, even from a one night stand. There is a reason men say don't put your d$%k in crazy. Your SO didn't listen.
Before becoming involved with someone who had a child with a HCBM, I made judgements too. Others don't deal with the constant stress, the constant calls/texts, the 3 am screaming phone calls, the endless court battles, the ridiculous accusations, having to tell your next door neighbors that their 5 year old has been accused of sexual abuse in your custody case and all the other fun things involved in having a child with a HCBM.
You and your SO needs to decide what you can live with.
So is it wrong if I support
So is it wrong if I support him? Because him and I are fine in the only thing we argue about is this whole shitty situation and I feel for him because he did not want us offered to pay for this to go away in this bitch did this on purpose I'm telling you she even told me she did that's the weird thing she wants to be my fucking friend and calls us family since we had a baby. i'm just so lost and I really do get bummed out about a bit sometimes because I know I am a good person and it brings me down that he is not around as much as he should be. We just recently started talking to a therapist about this and the therapist advised you choose your happiness you do not have to be emotionally attached to this child but you should at least be financially and talk to him when he gets older to explain so now I'm pushing for the financial part at least because he is nowhere on the birth certificate or in papers. But now she wants to change his last name to her soon to be husband.
What is your SO going to tell
What is your SO going to tell him when he gets older? I am sorry son, you were an emotional inconvenience to my happy family and I was to busy being a boy that I could not man up?
Oh I am sure that is going to build this boys self esteem and self worth straight up and he will grow up to be a balanced and esteemed human being! What a jerk your SO is.
Honestly I am trying to understand but the more I try the more outraged I am. From this post on some level you too are outraged too. Which gives me hope. What steps are you taking to be the good person by putting your SO feet to the fire? Honestly I could NEVER be with a man that could even consider being a deadbeat dad. Perhaps due to personal circumstances. But your SO is one sorry excuse for a man.
I feel as though I was
I feel as though I was tricked.
That's because you were. Ask yourself why he didn't tell you. Is it because he thought you'd leave? Because he'd have to fess up to something embarrassing? Because he knew that, as a mother, you wouldn't let him walk away like he wanted?
He lied, and his lie is causing you grief. It's also going to cost time, money, and emotional and physical labor. There is no way in which he hid this for your own good. It was for HIS own good, and for HIM to continue to use your relationship to offset the cost HE has to pay for having a kid with someone else.
By staying, you teach your girls that it's okay to be lied to by their partner. You teach them that they should expect men to use them for sex and throw them and their children away should they get pregnant. You teach them that two-faced people exist and it's perfectly alright to keep them around, to help them raise their children, even though it causes them heartache. If you wouldn't want this kind of treatment for your kids, then don't accept for yourself. They see it and they internalize it and they think it's okay and healthy.
You were tricked. Happens to the best of us. Time to realize that some things cannot be overcome, and this should absolutely be one of those things.
I don't know -I mean women
I don't know -I mean women can chose to have an abortiong, her body her choice (which I fully support)-they can also choose to walk away via adoption and never look back, they are called heroes. Yet men have no choice to walk away from a child they conceive as the woman does? They can't insist on an abortion, but IMO they should have every right to walk away, if decided in the first few months of life and renounce his rights. I don't agree that men should be forced to pay CS for a kid they never wanted-just as women can walk away from their responsibility via abortion/adoption. Men should have an out too. He doesn't want to be involved, the reasons are nobody's business. I would completely stay out of it, let the guy adopt the kid and he gives up his rights, chapter closed. The other option is to pay CS and stay completely uninvolved. Parents shouldn't be forced to be parents, we don't force women, we shouldn't force men. Equality you all. Perhaps a controversial opinion, but to me fair is fair. His only mistake was giving in to your and his families insistence the first round. He should have held firm and his parents and you should have respected his choice.
Tragedies happen, kids born to addicts happen. He told her he wanted an abortion, right? At that point a woman that continues the pregnancy should realize they are on their own, financially, emotionally, etc. Something needs to change to bring some equality into these situations.
And please don't anyone say 'well he should have wrapped it'-it's just as shitty as saying she should have kept her legs closed. Unintentional pregnancies happen, how/what the parents decide should be respected, both women and men.
My only hope for the boy is the mom straightens out w/this new guy. It DOES happen, hopefully that's the case here. If it doesn't turn well, the boy will go to the system and still young enough to find an adopted healthy home.
Wow that is just cold. You
Wow that is just cold. You just leave a defenseless kid with druggies and wash your hands of it because you don't want him. Mind you unrelated older kids are worthy of trying for a bond but HIS kid unworthy and unwanted of that. This guy is a real prize.
This kid is going to have a tough life; I feel so badly for him. If I could, I would call social services to help him personally. What a sorry excuse he has for "family". No responsible adults in his life.
He is young enough to be adopted but not for long. If this man is at least half decent he should report them all to social services and force an adoption. Just to make sure at the very least HIS child has a chance to have a childhood.