I hate my ex husband
I know that sounds terrible, but I do. Yes he is the father of my four children but sometimes I just so want to see him hurt. hurt the way he hurt me and our children. He was abusive yoward me and our children when we were together and when I broke that final time, after he through my then 8yr old son across the shed and cut his head open on the corner of an airconditioner that was stored in there. I yelled and screamed and cried and said no more. it won't be happening anymore, I was calling the police. and like most women who are controlled by their husbands and a religion that tells us that we are beautiful in gods eyes when we are obedient to our husbands, I didn't make that call.
I regret that now. He left shortly after that, cleaning out our checking account. having been a stay at home mom for 8yrs I was without income so I lived on the credit card that I still had because it was in my name. I cried for that entire day then as I lay in my bed trying to figure out what to do I felt myself get strong. the years of brainwashing became so obviouse to me that I wondered how I could have been so stupid. That day I changed the locks on the doors and took my life back.
One thing I hoped would happen as a result was that he would appreciate his children more. That if he only saw them on a limited basis he would want to make it a happy time together. So I forced him to have visitation. He was living w his parents at the time. so every sat I brought the kids over and dropped them off. His mother said all he did was sit there watching tv while she played with the kids. Even that ended within a few weeks. he moved out of his parents house and when I went to drop off the kids he wasn't there.
I know it is better for the kids than what they would have gone through if we had stayed together, but how do you just forget about your own children.
A week after our divorce was final he showed up at the door to drop off a child support check, usually he mailed them. I asked if he wanted to play with the kids for a while, he said he didn't have time. as he walked away I noticed he wore a wedding band, I asked if he had gotten married he said yes he had and it was none of my business.
Wow none of my business that he has given my children a step mother. of course they have never met her. Its been three years now and not one word to the kids. no birthday or christmas card, nothing, not even a phone call.
I want to hurt him, I think about it everytime the kids bring him up. they hate him and they love him. They don't know him but they do in a biologicaly conected kind of way. It just goes to show you, no matter how bad of a parent you are, your kids would miss you if you weren't there.
I have told the kids when they ask why he left, that he needed some time to be by himself. that it is never a good thing to be so selfish but some people need help and they refuse to get the help they need to learn not to hurt other people. It doesn't really satisfy them but I refuse to bad mouth their father and have them grow up and think that I'm a bad person because I filled their head with a bunch of hatered for their father. They'll figure it out when they grow up and begin to have relationships of their own.
The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that his new wife is one he bought on the internet. At least acording to his sister, who is a wonderful and kind woman. She doesn't say anything bad about her but has said that it took her a year to be able to come to the us after they were married.
I saw her once when we had to go to court. they were in another waiting room and she was yelling at him. they were speaking another language so I didn't know what she was saying but he wasn't too happy about it.
Of course I think I would get a lot more satisfaction from slashing all of his tires.