New to the site-not a step mom..but a step g/f??? is there such a thing
My b/f and I have been together almost four years now. I have one 12 yr. old from a previous relationship and he has an 8 and 9 yr old from his last marriage.
Two years ago he asked me to move in with him but I had some reservations about it. I continued to say no for about two weeks and he asked me one afternoon, and I told him I would consider it ONLY if marriage would ultimately be the result. He had no objections so we moved in together and a few months later while vacationing in Vegas turns to me and says that he loves me more than anything in the world but he will never ever get married. :jawdrop: yeah, imagine my surprise after I had a talk with him a few months earlier. At this point we were moved, I left my apartment(that was way below market) and now consolidated our bills. Not to mention that the BF didn't bother to let me in on how much CS he really pays...after we moved in, I realized we couldn't afford the house we moved into. He makes a good living....on paper. Eventually I had stop paying all my bills just so that we could make ends meet, and it completely destroyed my credit.
At this point I felt so betrayed...I just felt awful. I understand the ex really did a number on him...cheated on him, took EVERYTHING and now gets a small fortune in child support. She's a really piece of work that one......I'm sure I'll mention more of her later.
I know our problems are a little more than him lying about getting married and then later saying he doesn't want more kids; I would like at least one more. He is the love of my life, I have never loved another like him.
My problem is that he doesn't treat all the kids the same. He disciplines the 8yr old(son) harsher than the 9 yr. old(daughter), and my son, oh forget about it, he is especially hard on my son. His daughter is loud, constantly interrupts you if you're having a conversation, and has to talk over you gradually getting louder and louder. When she gets hurt, the entire neighborhood knows about it because her wails can be heard for miles around!!! This is a 9yr.old girl we're talking about. If she gets corrected she will give every reason, excuse not to be wrong.
His son, 8yrs old, is a different story. He does misbehave and has a problem with authority but the hard part is.....he's autistic. He is mildly autistic....there is a lot this child knows and understands, but the issue is that he DOES NOT want to do it. I've met alot of people in my life with developmental disabilities and other disabilities and they could discern between wrong and right, and they had manners and knew how to behave. This child does not, but he's aware of it all. He understands a lot and I strongly feel that people underestimate him, and that isn't good for him. That is going to do him more harm than good.
Why do these children have these issues? Because the mother does not set rules and boundaries, and enforce them. She buys them things to pacify them while she shops...and boy does she shop. She always her hair done perfectly, has her nails done to the tee, and designer clothes. However, the kids are always running around in raggedy clothes and Target clothes....there is nothing wrong with Target clothes but she buys herself these expensive cloths...at least take the kids to the GAP or something!!!
So anyway, I dread when the kids come over...I know it's wrong but I do. The house is soooo loud and the BF lets them get away with stuff that he does not let my son. Now I do have to say that he doesn't say anything to me when I correct the kids, he backs me up but then I look like the bad guy when he doesn't enforce things when I'm not there. I am always the disciplinarian with his kids and my son, but he slacks on the discipline with his kids but my son can't even bat an eyelash without the BF jumping down his throat.
I'm not saying my son is perfect, not by any means, he's at the beginning of the teenage years. I do have to say that my son though has always had manners and treated people with respect, and has always been respectful....not the BF's kids.
I don't want to feel the way I do...but I do...and I sometimes wonder why I'm here, why I'm with a man that doesn't wanted to get married and who doesn't want a child with me...yet I'm here putting up with the kids, supporting him in his career, being there for him when the witch decides to be a bigger witch....why? what is it all for?
It's summer time....and the kids are starting there summer stay with us tomorrow... and to be honest, I'm not that excited....
Why? Why? Why am I still hanging on? 
Can anyone share some words of wisdom? Encouragement?
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Your story sounds a whole lot
Your story sounds a whole lot like my BM's. She is in a relationship with a man with the same ex lol. I to am a "step gf" but the kids see me as their step mother and I have no issues with that. Tomorrow I am going to have BM send you a message as you might get some comfort talking to her. Yes she is on this site as well as she is a SM too, and she is the one that turned me on to this site, though neither of us blog that much to be honest and if we do it is something we have already called the other about and are just looking for more opinions lol. I wish you the best.
Thank you, thank you soooo
Thank you, thank you soooo much!! I appreciate it. I did receive her message...I pretty sure that's who you are referring to... I am so glad I found this site!
Why? I don't know. I would
Why? I don't know. I would be very angry if you agreed to marry before moving in and he then backed out. My brain would say "get out! He lied! If he doesn't live you enough to marry you, he really doesn't live you as much as he claims". Ask most men and they will say what I've read many times " I do not want to get married" coming from man actually means " I do not want to marry YOU...". Sorry, just being honest. Now I also understand how your heart says something else, so i don't blame you for staying.
As far as HIS kids, let me say that as the mom of an autistic boy, we sometimes "think" they understand and they do not. The reason I know is because i have been in every Speech therapy my son has had. I will tell the therapist "no, he knows that word, phrase, etc because I tell him all the time...but sometimes he listens others he doesn't"...and she will check/test him on it and say "no, he didn't really understand you...it's just luck that he gets it sometimes...". As far as the sister, kids with autism normally have autistic siblings w/at least one parent also autistic. Girls are rarely diagnosex because they are more talkative and learn to "socialize" more w/kids as that is what most girls do. You should have her evaluated because more than likely she too is autistic but even milder than the brother so they are rarely diagnosed.
Some things that have helped me greatly;
1.from night before say, "tomorrow we are doing x, then y, then z". When you wake up remind them...It will make the day much less stressful. Do this e/ecerything you can, ie. Before going to a store say "we are going to X in 10mins...no toys or candy today...we need Y and Z and i need your help finding them". Repeat when you get to the store, etc
2.for chores, take pics of each doing all the things they must do on a daily basis, ie. Wake up, brush teeth, take shower, eat lunch, put pj's, go to bed" or similar. Print out the pics and hang un order in their room.
3.get them watches w/timers or alarms and set the such as "you can go rise your bike, in 10mins your alarm will sound, come home and say hi to me", then reset...
4.get cheap mp3 for each and put favorite music...do not allow them to use it at your house, keep in your purse and give to then at the mall, grocery store, Dr office, etc
5. Get kid yoga vídeos and practice w/them...helps greatly
Herewegoagain, thank you so
Herewegoagain, thank you so very much for the advise with the boy. I do #1 , well the part when we go to the store...I tell him we are going to here to this and nothing else, no toys or movies (he loves movies), so please do not ask..we will not buy. This ones a tough because his mom buys him EVERYTHING.... it's frustrating too because she doesn't take him to the doctor. We did find this calendar type of deal at a street faire that seems to be working so far...we only bought it a few weeks ago. It comes with magnet type things are we list his chores and everytime he does what he is suppose to, he gets a star, and at the end we list a prize. He is not in any kind of therapy because, from what the BF tells me, the doctors said he didn't need any sort of therapy when he was around four. They said he understands but he doesn't do things because he doesn't want to. Now he's having disciplinary issues at school.
It's hard for us because the BF pays through the roof for CS so we don't have alot of money, but we still things regardless.
I did a lot of research about autism and I told the BF about it, and the diet. He agreed and spoke to the mom and she said she was doing it...LOL...yeah, right! She said she was giving him sprouted bread.....had she done her homework, she would've known that is the worst possible thing. Anyways, we lived the GF/CF diet the whole summer he was here last year and it worked wonders. Next Friday we are taking him to his first DAN! doctor visit so we can run a series of tests on him, to make sure we haven't missed anything. Do you have your autistic child on the GF/CF diet or any other special diet?
As for the sister, I think it's wanting to constantly be the center of attention.
Thanks again for the advice! I'm interested in hearing about what you do for your son?
I'm really a SG, but SS10
I'm really a SG, but SS10 calls me his SM, so I do too.
I have to say, the lying about marriage & finances is a red rag to me, but ultimately you have to decide if what he's offering is enoguh for you.
Do you have any family rules that all the kids have to follow? They're all of an age where you could draw them up all together, and although I'm no expert on autism (and it varies between individuals anyway) I seem to recall reading that autistic kids like rules because they can understand them. They could range from 'everyone will clean the shower/bath out after use' to 'once a month each person gets to choose a family activity'
Oh most definitely we have
Oh most definitely we have rules, and they have assigned chores. That is a must in my household. The problem is that his mother does not. My problem with this is that I see that he is not pushed to his potential. I know he could do a lot, I totally believe him, but it seems that he is being held down by low expectations.
I treat him like a typical child because I think it's best for him...how do we know what he is capable of if we don't encourage him to do things for himself. I understand that he does and will have limitations and I always keep that in mind, and I look for the signs that let me know its too much for him.
Regarding the BF...he tends to have the ostrich in the sand syndrome sometimes...and if things are going great that's all he wants to concentrate on.
I am am right there with you
I am am right there with you too. My BF says that he wants get married a long time down the road and sometimes he says never. So I don't expect it...nor do I want to the way things are. Your story is very similiar to mine but my BF only has one child. Read some of my past blogs and you'll see...lol that is a very good thing. Good luck sweetie and if you ever need someone to talk to who knows exactly what you are going through....I'm here
Thanks, JoJo. I most
Thanks, JoJo. I most certainly read your past blogs. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. My BF flip flops back and forth between being ok with marriage and not. I think I've come to the point where I really don't want it anymore because he's killed the meaning for me...you know what I mean? I don't want to force someone to marry me. How lame is that?
Thanks again and I look forward to reading your blogs!