Gee...this seems familiar......
Well, before the New Year things seemed to be going somewhat all right.....SS was coming over about 2 days a week with one overnight for several weeks in a row!! :o This was a record folks!
But, now visits have dropped back to about 9 hours each week. And now, BM is starting in with her normal crap again~ she sent my DH an email informing him about SS's IEP (school appointment). They want both parents to be there ideally, and she said she needs to know if he's coming so she can tell the teachers who will be there.
This is paraphrasing what she wrote~ " I will say this, and I have others who agree with me. You're more than welcome to come, as your his parent. However, your wife is not to be there. It is for the parents and she is not his parent. [my H] isn't going for the same reason, he is not the parent"
Ugh! Where to start? I am SO sick of her doing the whole "I've consulted with others on this, and they agree with me". Are these other people married to my H~ no! I can take a guess as to who these other people are....her mom, who hates pretty much everyone EXCEPT her "innocent" daughter, her SF who also enables her to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, even though he also lives in her house and watches her kids while she's out doing it....and her 2ndH who she's slandered our names to ad nauseum. So yes, they're going to be partial to her. It doesn't make her right, does it?
Second, even though it's not officially in the order itself, when they first had the custody hearing they were required to pay for and attend a "co-parenting" class. The paperwork they were given said that for the child's best interest, extended family (ie step-parents included) should be made part of SK's life and included. So why is she intent on trying to EXCLUDE me?
Third, this situation is more delicate then second marriages/relationships. They had an affair. Much pain was caused by them spending time alone together and betraying me. And our marriage counseling, and others, suggest that they don't have outside contact alone, under ANY circumstances when avoidable. She didn't get together with her 2nd H until well after the affair ended, so he doesn't have to deal with that issue like I do.
Well, to wrap up, my DH told her "No, if you say she can't come then you're saying I can't come either~ I won't go without her and you need to accept that." He feels that the fact that I'm not SS's parent is besides the point. We want to stay a united front and reconcile our marriage and family. He still wants to go to the appointment, or at least be informed of what is decided.
Darn her for pulling this stuff again, is it REALLY that impossible for her to deal with my presence, if it means both parents can be involved. I hate when she acts like this
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I have an idea....What if
I have an idea....
What if you go....as far as inside the school, at least.
So you're there to support your husband....and she gets to see your face and realize where one goes there the other one is....dispite her best efforts to stop it.
Also, I wouldn't want her to think that she can now use this 'she can't come' tactic to drive him away from important things like this.... and throw it in his face that he didn't 'participate in the parenting' or in court or to his children.
Instead of going right in to the meeting, you can wait in another part of the school, talk to other parents in the hallway...look at the work hung in the hallway..etc. to avoid the embarassing scene at the 'meeting'....(it might be more productive that way...but that's your guys call)
You might also want to bring a copy of the co-parenting class literature....to 'refresh her memory' as to "what parents who REALLY care about their children do"....just to make a point and ruffle her feathers.
The real reason she doesn't want you there is because she can't stand the fact you two are together and you won't go away!!
So do the opposite...Be there together and don't go away!!!
The more she sees it the more opportuniy she'll have to suck it up, deal with it and eventually get over it!!
When she says 'consulted
When she says 'consulted with others' I just had a thought...
Is it like the wicked stepmother talking to the mirror so it tells her what-ever- she wants to hear?.
'Mirror, mirror on the wall. Whose the fairest one of all"
Only it's the wicked Bio-mother version"
"Mirror mirror say with glee, that I have 'others' that agree"
HA HA HA I'm cracking myself up!!!!
Separate meetings
Many teachers are more than willing to accommodate two families with separate meetings. Maybe your husband could meet separately with the teacher. There's no reason why they have to attend the same meeting. Lovin-life's idea is a great one, too.
~ Anne ~
Great idea Anne, and so
Great idea Anne, and so true. Hey...teachers know that many kids are from broken homes, blended families etc...so they will try to accommodate if you ask. My best friend is a teacher, and believe me she's seen and heard it all. I know they will do this, if you request a separate meeting. Let the school know that in order to keep the peace and a united front, it would be best to schedule separate meetings.
That's what we do Anne.
That's what we do Anne. I'll take an afternoon meeting and x will take an evening meeting...but usually, the last couple years anyway, he doesn't go ...I just fill him in. Teachers deal with divorced families all the time..they understand and it's not a problem. :
I feel your pain!
Oh boy, she sounds very much like a BM I know. She tries desperately to exclude me. She even went as far as to write a letter copying the school board and principal and superintendent and any other name she could get her hands on to say that I am not welcome at SD's school, as I am not "a family member." No, we're not married. The reason? She won't finalize the divorce and we've been too broke to hire a lawyer to do it ourselves. She filed almost 4 years ago. He and I got together 2 1/2 years ago. We have a child together and another on the way. SD and I get along like peas and carrots. She's insanely jealous and vindictive. So her letter stated that they are still married(!!) and suggested that I was some sort of affair. No mention of the separation, no mention of both parties signing the consent to final divorce decree before we even met, no mention of us living in spousal relationship since 2004. She painted a lovely picture.
Below is an excerpt of an email from BM to my fiance after she caught wind that I'd be attending SD's winter concert last month.
You don’t appreciate the need to separate your two family units at this time. [hello!!! You're not a family unit anymore, we are!]
The parents of K’s classmates understand it; K’s teachers understand it; K’s school Guidance Counselor understands it; even some of K’s classmates understand it. [none of this is true]
Why do you and Caitlin insist on embarrassing K – and yourselves – in the eyes of K’s teachers, her classmates, the parents of her classmates? I would think that Caitlin particularly would want the man who is fathering her children to be respected rather than being considered arrogant. I certainly want the man who fathered our daughter K to be respected rather than being considered arrogant. [yeah, no one thinks he's arrogant, they just think she's nuts]
So this child who is so "embarrassed" of us in front of her classmates and teachers (who all apparently "agree" how embarrassing we are) grabbed my hand and ran me and her baby sister and her dad around to introduce us to all her friends, her band teacher, her choir director, everyone you can imagine. She took such joy in showing us off! So all that talk from BM was just a blatant lie.
I would think that BM in your case is just making it up too. It's a classic manipulation. Even if she does have all these people who agree with her, they're agreeing with her lies and BS anyway, so they don't even know what they're agreeing to.
Have DH call the school. Explain that BM and BD can't attend the appointment together, that it needs to be separate for interpersonal reasons, that BD will attend with SM and BM will attend with SF if she so chooses. The school will understand.
As for the backlash you will receive from BM because of it, I don't know how to help you with that! BM constantly takes away visitation when we do something to make her mad (like live our lives) and we're just powerless to it. That is, until we show documentation when we finally do take her to court, of all the vindictive behavior and parental alienation she has subjected us to, at which point the judge will tell her she's despicable. (We hope!)
I don't see the problem
This is one of those areas that I guess I will never understand. Being a BM and a SM, If I could hire a crowd of 1000 people to be fans and well wishers of my child in the audience, in the stands, in the coliseum, I would. Who as a parent wouldn't want as many people in attendace of their pride and joy on stage? As a parent of 2 daughters myself, I of course am like any other mom, I feel the broke the mold after they made my 2 ANGELS (smile) so of course I would want everybody else to feel the same as well. If I could invite the Wal-Mart Cashier I would! Due to the fact that I know that my input into my step-childrens lives does not END when they walk through the door of our home. I feel myself that this is what is the hardest for Jealous BM's to understand. Do you really think that once your child(ren) enter our home that I just sit in the corner all day and night and do no speak to them, do not interact with them, just totally ignore them the entire time they are at our home? Of course I don't, In our home as far as their basic needs being met, I (Ms SM) am about 85% responsible for that because their father works weekends. This is non-negotiable, he isn't doing over time, this is his schedule. So Projects that need to be completed, book reports that are being worked on over the weekend, corrected homework that needs to be completed, it is done while they are in our care over the weekend. They do not get returned back to BM homes until Sunday night after 8:00 pm, so that is way too late to be completeing work assignments from Friday. How am I as SM going to know if their are behaviour problems, learning deficiences, or just things that need to re-inforced from one house to the next if I am not included. AND I am sorry it is not fair if I have to depend on BM or BD for that matter to trickle information to me, when I am the one doing all of the work. That will do nothing but cause problems. I know we all played the telephone game before, do you really think that if a counselor tells BM some information, and BM tells BD the information and BD tells me the information that it is going to be the exact same information that the counselor said? Forget all of the relaying stuff and let me hear it myself. This isn't about BM being UPSTAGED aren't we suppose to be there for the child?
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
We're on it now.....
My DH said he is going to call the school and first ask if it is ok if I attend the meeting if they both go at the same time. The only reason I don't know yet about if separate meetings will work is that this is more of a development and placement issue~ I don't know if his teaching team is going to want to do it twice. SS has PDDNOS and this is to decide which level of schooling is best for him.
Anyway, if the school says I cannot be there with the two of them, or she tries to complain with me simply being at the school, then yes, he is going to request the two separate meetings, explain the situation to them if needed and tell BM that we're going to go at a different time.
Again, what makes this so frustrating is that she KNEW me and our kids were still with my husband, she KNEW we weren't separating or divorcing...and yet she still acts like I'm a third wheel? Like I'm the one that "doesn't belong" in the picture? If anyone, SHE'S the third wheel here. Sorry, I just need to vent about that.
Good news....
The teacher my H spoke to was very nice and polite....she said she had asked BM before why SS's father wasn't attending, she asked if my H had even known about any of the other meetings (er, how many others WERE there? BM never told us there were others he could've attended)~ he explained No, he didn't know. Anyway, when he asked if I could attend, she said Certainly....she even said that I should be there since I am also part of his life and he spends as much time with me and our children as he does with my husband (odd, though, how BM admitted this to the teachers, but had them thinking that my H wasn't "interested" in attending)~ now our only concern is if BM will try to make a scene. But she will probably know ahead of time that it's ok for both of us to attend
You know,
we just ignore BM. We never even let her try to consider not excluding me... in fact, she used to 'arrange' the meetings herself, but it never worked for my DH's schedule, so often he would call up the teacher and reschedule with her. In our school, the teachers really do prefer that they have one meetings per child.
So, basically, when the appointment DID fit our schedule, he just said yeah I'll be there, hung up. Nothing more, nothing less. Didn't even bother to let her know that I was going to be there too. But I am quite capable of acting, behaving like an adult, and the ultimate reason for being there was for SS... not BM.
We also never ever gave her the satisfaction of knowing when and where and why I was going to anything that included SS. It wasn't her concern. So, I don't think you have to constantly be explaining your self. I think you should just ignore her, go to everything, and make her realize that it's not her place or in her control period. If she acts outs.... SHE ACTS OUT IN FRONT OF OTHERS... not you. Just smile, smile, smile, nod your head, and maybe even wink at her from time to time! LOL.
Hang in there.