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ugh... what a week.

so_lost's picture

Submitted by so_lost on Thu, 11/06/2014 - 5:01pm

So this is going to end up a crazy long word vomit but here it goes. Last Thursday I had a miscarriage fairly late, at 11 weeks. It was our week with my boyfriends kids and despite having surgery on Tues. I still am expected dealing with three kids (2,5, and six) the six year old is mine. I am always expected to be home with them when I am not at work no matter what is happening, all I wanted was some consideration on my boyfriend's part. Not to mention normally the BM is not that bad but has been super silly this last week. EX. We were at the hospital due to the ultrasound not having a heartbeat and she works in a restaurant type thing there, and kept calling and calling, then texting about where her children were (one was at school the other being watched by family) and demanding to know what was going on. Seriously?!? I just found out my baby died the last thing I want to deal with is baby mama drama, but we did. Then I had to go through surgery basically by myself due to my boyfriend not even attempting to find anyone to watch the kids. So this week is also parent teacher conferences and my boyfriend scheduled his own outside of BM's because of his work and parent teacher conferences are already a little bit of a sore subject due to I have his kids during my son's time and have to bring them all with me. She decided to throw a fit and decided that he went without her so I could go (I wasn't even thinking about going) and started saying how I wasn't their mom and she was so she should be there and it wasn't fair she didn't have their daughter because everything wound back to me not being their mom, which I have never tried to be, I'm quite respectful. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm trying and trying but it's just exhausting me and I feel like I'm doing everything and then getting told I don't get a right to be apart of their lives. I love my boyfriend with everything I have but all of the stuff that has happened I just want to walk away. It seems it always goes back to me having too much responsibility with his kids or the drama with his ex still demanding he treat her like they are still married. I feel like I might just be better on my own but I also feel like my heart would be completely broken... :?

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ashica's picture

Submitted by ashica on Thu, 11/06/2014 - 5:30pm

Ohhh dear!!

I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel, literally same situation. I have a 5 yr old boy, and I had found out I was pregnant and had a m/c at 12 weeks. My husband has 4 children all the under age of 8. I had to get a sitter, and his XW just punished him to not see his kids for nearly four months.

I have been a SM for 2 years to his kids. I find it much easier to stop trying to their parent figure or allow myself in that situation because of how kids can manipulate those situations. I wanted so bad for his children to except me and it was ruining me. His kids range from 2-8 now. The BM and I have a civil relationship. We tried being friends and that was the worst. Civil because you have too.

As for the kids, I do not go to the school. I do not go to the parent teacher conference unless asked by the DH. I let the BM know that I am not their to take her spot. I am their to enforce the rules and have respect as a step-parent. Let her know, from you that you will never be the kids mother! You are an adult who needs to be treated with respect because while she isn't their while those kids are in your care, you are stepping up to the be the next available parent. That is a choice YOU made. For all SM's out their. We have a heart and we aren't as bad as cinderella made us out to be.

I am so sorry for your loss. As for the kids, girl get family and friends to help you take care of your kids. You need you time. I had a m/c a year ago, and ectopic preg a month ago. Almost same scenarios both times.

You are a strong person. Don't give up! I know the struggles you are going through. My DH and I haven't been married long. We have been together for 3 yrs and married 2. So I completely understand.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Thu, 11/06/2014 - 7:28pm

Hi honey,

I lost my baby 2 weeks ago tomorrow at 8 weeks. So I know how you feel. It happened to be our weekend with the skids as well - I TOLD OH on the Friday I was bleeding. He got them anyway. So I went through it at home WITH the skids here (oh to be fair he took them out all of Saturday afternoon.... - 12 - 9pm) So I went through it alone really.

It sucks, they are thoughtless inconsiderate jerks. I try to be fair to him and see that I don't think men really GET it - the emotional devastation and how deeply it has already affected us. Mine thinks I should be over it already!

I don't know what else to tell you, stay strong - TELL that man you WILL NOT be watching his kids this weekend he needs to make other arrangements - you need time out, is there anyone that can take dd6 for you for a while as well?

But honestly? He won't stop the BM and skid drama, if he didn't tell her to pull her head in at THAT time he never will - think long and hard about whether you want the rest of your life to be like this.

Hugs to you, please hear me when I say TAKE the time you need to grieve. I think we should have a tree planting ceremony! You, me and monkey (she lost her baby a couple of weeks ago as well) (and anyone else out there who has lost one and never had the chance to memorialise them) we should set a date and time and all plant something special in memory of our lost little ones.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Thu, 11/06/2014 - 11:47pm

sorry for your loss.Please don't make any decisions until your hormonal chaos has settled a bit.This is not a normal situation.Recover first and get back into balance before you act.Hugs