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Time to have the talk

SMto3's picture

After the last time I wrote, I decided to let SS stay in the basement because of course, I didn’t want to be the bad guy either. However, it is becoming clearer and clearer that SS may need to move out. 

 

Now, because rent is so high here in nyc, I did want for him to apply for affordable housing coops. But I don’t know if I can wait that long for him to leave.

 

Let me preface this all by saying that my H works the overnights on Thursdays and Fridays. His schedule change 6 years ago has contributed to a lot of our arguments. Ss20 now works with H, he has the overnight shift and his days off are Thursday and Friday nights. I think may of you who have been here probably see where this is going. 

 

SS20 broke up with girlfriend number 3, the girl he had staying in the basement with him until we (or should I say I) told him this was unacceptable. The very following week on a Thursday night, I woke up in the middle of the night as I usually do to get a glass of water and I heard a female’s laugh coming from the basement. I guess he heard me in the kitchen so he put the volume up on the music to I guess hide her voice. I didn’t want to be high conflict, so I went back up to my room but I was infuriated. H gets out of work at 8am and gets home by 830. As usual, SS20 made sure the girl was gone by that time and since I work from home, he came up to say good morning (and probably to feel out whether or not I heard her). 

Very calmly, I asked him who he lives with. He says you, dad, etc etc. I ask him if he doesn’t think that maybe he should communicate if people are coming to the house. Just because his father is not home does not mean I’m not. He has been doing this since we moved in here. Every Thursday and Friday night, he brings a couple guys over and they “record music” all night. I wouldn’t care about this except the basement has a direct entry into my house and I have a 5 year old girl. I don’t need someone drinking/getting high then getting ideas. I don’t know if it is normal to think this way. 

Anyway he then said he has some people over for a “studio session”. I told him that any time he brings people over, he needs to let me know so that I can know who is in my house. The following day he did tell me he was having people over for a studio session.  We were good. This past Thursday I saw him sweeping the basement steps which if you read my past blogs you would know is unlike him. I asked him if he was expecting company and he weakly said no. That night, same thing; I get up, hear a girls voice, music goes up, I go back to my bedroom. I don’t say anything. Friday comes and same situation; I see on Instagram that he had a few people over. 

 

Ss20 believes that he is someone who counts his blessings. After crashing his car (for the 4th time) he asked us to help him buy a car and he would pay us back. We have great credit, and getting a cheap used car wouldn’t be a big deal, especially if he would pay it off, and I will say that is one area SS20 is good in, that he will consistently pay us 400 for the basement and 200 for the car insurance, but of course we have to remind him. H told him on the way to buy the car last week that he is unsure if SS20 counts his blessings, and SS20 sounded defensive and said “I pray every day”, and H tells him “I didn’t say that. I said I hope you count your blessings”. And he said he did. But I don’t think he does. I feel that a lot of times we have tried to put our trust in SS20 he goes and screws it up. I really did try to support his musical dream, but at this point I feel like he’s just using that umbrella to being people over and party on Thursdays and Fridays and he has them all gone by the time H comes home. I think once he moves out, he will have a better understanding for what landlords expect and what real life has to offer. I also won’t have to worry about who is in my home. 

 

Lastly, now that he has a new used car, he continues to show it off on social media. He did this with the last car he had, and also posted videos of him speeding. Ss20 just always feels like he has to show off and i really hate that about him. He’s been like this since I met him. He tells us he’s not like that but he acts that way when we aren’t around. As far as I know, it’s not his real persona but he acts like he’s this person who has it all, and he even has on his profile that he’s a musical engineer so of course you know that’s going to attract certain kinds of people. I find it disgusting that he is an online braggart, and believe me, he didn’t get it from us. 

 

Comments

BethAnne's picture

Can you put a locking door between the basement and the main house? That way you can feel a little more secure while your husband finds a way to move his kid out. 

If I were you I would either ask for rent to be increased significantly or your husband to move him out. Your ss gets studio space and his own appartment for $400 a month in nyc. That is ridiculously cheap. If your ss hasn't saved the money to move on himself yet then he needs a forced savings plan by increasing his rent. 

SMto3's picture

I actually am starting the process on renovating the basement to make it an independent unit. I have to add a shower and small kitchen and some other changes but it's a great space and I'm planning on renting it out when it is finished. But yes, I plan on placing a washer/dryer at that door once this project is done. 

tog redux's picture

Why would he leave? $400 for his own place in NYC? Can have his friends and GF over whenever he pleases and all he has to endure is a slightly stern "talking to" from his stepmother? A father who buys him a car every time he smashes his?  "He's good about paying his rent" except you have to remind him. None of my landlords ever reminded me to pay rent on time, and my car insurance would be canceled if I didn't pay, they didn't send a gentle reminder.

You and DH are both enabling this kid. Either he follows your house rules (fair enough to not have girls there all night or "studio sessions" beyond a certain hour) or he goes.  He pays his rent and his car insurance on time without reminders, and he moves to the bedroom upstairs.  And he makes plans to get out on his own.

You are so afraid of upsetting DH that you are inadvertently helping him enable SS.

SMto3's picture

On the contrary, DH and I get along for the most part except when it comes to his first two boys he has custody of, and that worsened after his schedule change. I speak my mind and I have found that I am considered the "mean" one.
 

Actually, his father did not buy him the car. We put it on a credit card and SS will pay it off himself. When it comes to SS20 it seems I second guess myself a lot because I don't want him to feel like he's unwanted, but he continues to do things that I do not agree with. I am going to have the talk with him today because I see now that him staying here only enables him and he's not growing the way he ought to as an adult. I feel that when he finds himself in an apartment under his own name, and he has to pay rent monthly, and no one reminds him, and he tries to party all night but the neighbors complain, maybe it will offer him some perspective. 

notarelative's picture

A credit card is a very high interest way to buy a car. Whose name is on the credit card? SS? DH? You? DH and you? Who is responsible for the debt if SS stops paying?

If SS is only paying $400 a month rent, he should be paying much more than the minimum payment each month.

SMto3's picture

We have a 0% offer for a year on it, it's under DH's name and yes he is expected to pay at least 300 monthly for the car and more if/when he does "studio sessions". If he is unable to pay it then we would do what any other loaner would do and take the car back. He works with H so even if he doesn't live with us, they have to interact. I should have added to my backstory that the apartment we moved out of is owned by my H and rented out to a family member of mine. I suggested to H to move my family member in the basement when it gets renovated and have Ss move into the apartment but he refused and said he wants SS to get his property under his own name because he doesn't trust that It won't become a hangout spot. 

SMto3's picture

I've been in between whether or not to give him another shot and not rush him out but deep down I don't believe he is capable of changing at this point. He's gotten a taste of that adult freedom and I just feel like it's time for him to move out. I was initially wanting to wait for him to get a coop or affordable housing but I don't know how long that will take. Even if I have to pay his first month to move out, he has to go. I am thinking maybe July 1st can be the deadline, and I WILL help him look, otherwise I'm afraid he won't leave. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, good plan. Time for him to go in the world and see what it's really like to be an adult.

I have a brother who is 62 and has been living in NYC trying to be an artist or a musician since he was your SS's age. Lucky for him, he found a wealthy wife who puts up with his nonsense, my mother sure wouldn't.

Your SS's "music career" will most likely never take off.

SMto3's picture

I had to laugh thinking of my ss at 62 trying to make it in the industry. Here's to hoping he finds a wealthy woman to fund him!

tog redux's picture

Seriously! I think he knows now he won't be making it, lol.  He did some carpentry work when he was younger to help support his family, but now he spends his time letting his wife support him.

It's his life and he's made it work! But SS doesn't need to do it on your dime.