Any thoughts on helping pay for stepkid to move out?
Last week I posted about SS20 having his girlfriend stay over without communicating. A little more to the backstory is that DH got SS a job at his job, and SS does the overnight shift 5 days a week. His 2 nights off are the 2 nights DH does the overnight which is how he’s been getting away with sneaking people in/having guys over to party etc. I can get how his schedule might be a little screwy and having someone over during the night may make sense. The issues have been that SS seems to be an all or nothing person, at everyone else’s expense. We moved out of a 2 bedroom apartment into a 5 bedroom house last year, and a few months after that, SS broke up with the girl he has been with for a year (she had a mental breakdown reportedly over him, was put on meds and completely changed) and less than a month later began dating current girlfriend. Except now that we have a house, and because I let him stay in the basement to follow his music dreams (he has it set up half as a “studio”), he had his gf sleeping over almost daily I suspect. There was no dating period, no introductory period, he met her and boom, she was here daily. By the time I began really catching on and trying to end it, they broke it off for a couple of months. Now here we are again. 2 weeks ago, he mentioned her and said they were “friends” again, she was here visiting the following day. Last week, I posted about how I’m sure he thought I was asleep and brought her home at 9pm. We had a long conversation with him last week after that, and I took one of the poster’s advice and told him that if he wants her to sleep over, he’s going to have to start to save up to move out. He insisted that it’s not serious with her and that they are just figuring things out.
Yesterday he offers to cook which he hasn’t done in years and of course I had my suspicions why, but didn’t say anything. Went out to run errands and guess who is hanging out on my porch? Ss and gf. No communication whatsoever again about bringing her around. It’s not that I don’t like her (and I don’t), but I also do not want to see this as an example for the younger 2 we have living here and also my gut says he is going to get this girl pregnant and being that he has zero family here and BM1 has been homeless for a couple of years (as per the stepkids), I feel that this will affect me.
I try not to be judgmental and check my thoughts but I still worry that this girl isn’t right for him; her mom is in jail for stabbing her mom in an argument, the dad works in a hospital and allows SS to come and go as he pleases, they live in a tenement building and I am unclear on if the little sisters she has are her dad’s kids, which would mean I’m almost certain she’s sharing a room with them. I say all this to say that maybe the grass looks greener to her over here; no sharing a room, not in the projects and get to be with your boyfriend all day. She has no job, and no aspirations to go to school. She did try to be a tattoo artist but that didn’t work out. She’s super nice to DD5, that I’ll give her but overall she doesn’t have much going for herself and seems content with doing nothing in the basement and just be with SS all day with no responsibilities. But I feel as though he’s gotten a taste of having a female at your disposal all day and does not want to let that go.
I’m trying to launch him, I do not want to continue stepfamily life with no end in sight, at least not living together. It’s not that I don’t care for SS20, I just feel that he operates mostly based on what he wants for himself as opposed to what is best for the household as a unit. I want no parts of it. Last I tried talking to him about getting a place, he said he was not “emotionally or mentally ready”. He said he wants to save for a car, he does not want to move out, even though at 20, he already makes only 100 dollars less weekly than DH. Dh, who on that salary, supported his 3 kids, was able to save to buy the 2 bedroom we left (we have it rented out), and never fell into debt. Yet SS feels he can’t do it. I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to put a small down payment on a small apartment under his own name, and move him out under the guise of a Christmas or birthday gift. I just don’t went to live with him anymore.
DH in case you’re wondering, gives the kid mixed messages. So while he told him sleepovers are okay as long as he’s not in our space, he’s also said he doesn’t want the girl here past 6am, which I’m sure ss does (I never barge in on him and am uncomfortable to do it).
I’ve done the math. With a small down payment, SS could have an apartment of his own and still have a little more than half his check after rent. We live in a city, so no need for a car, really, that’s more of a want than a need. Just don’t know if this will backfire.