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"Kick me out then!"

SMto3's picture

My closest sibing (in age and in general) died suddenly in his job of a heart attack on 7/8. This has affected me greatly, I was the first one at his side after he was pronounced dead and I have had to bear the brunt of the financial responsibility of burying him (I am the first and only one in my immediate family with a college degree). 

I would have expected compassion from my stepsons during this time. Except what I actually got was, SS21 saying that he's been going through a lot of personal things (which is why he couldn't be around, at the wake, or at the burial). SS16 also decided to store all of my brother's stuff in the basement into my storage room without my consent because without communicating with me, he is attempting (and probably has) made the basement his room. 

Last week, DH had the foolish idea to provoke me saying "I can't wait to hit the road!" (remember he's having a midlife crisis and going to become a truck driver which I ALMOST fully support). Then he goes on to say that he wishes I could just smile a little more. 

I am going through a lot with the loss of my brother. Out of the 5 children my mother bore, he was everyone's favorite, including mine. My brother is the first person I have lost who was close to me, and it seems like my go to emotion is anger. So I got angry and told SO that his lifestyle doesn't give me much to smile about and that in fact, I am very apprehensive about him leaving because SS21 and SS16 already don't do the right thing, even though he is around. This statement sparked a huge argument. The next day, DH admitted he was saying that to be provocative because he cannot take that I am not cheerful, happy and planning events for the kids like I always do. 

Needless to say I got a text from SS16's school, because he is in summer school as usual yesterday. After I got home, he peeked into my room to say hello and I confronted him about missing school. I shared with him that his father and I got into a huge argument last week over the fact that I am apprehensive about staying with him while his father is gone because his theme is making excuses for missing school. He began to sass me and tell me that we only ever notice when he does something wrong and that he had a "fluke". I told him that I am going through a depression at this time and with his father leaving, I do not want to have to deal with someone who cannot contribute in the way that he is expected to. He then said " Kick me out then!". I kicked him out of my room. 

I spoke to DH, he doesn't care. He is bent on going away to drive trucks interstate. His classes start next week and his road test is mid August. He hopes to leave to train with a friend of his mid September. I have enough on my plate than to deal with his kid. Plus, I hardly think it's fair that both is mother and father bail on him and I'm stuck with a kid who feels entitled to what he has (which is mostly because I provide it). Instead of being sorry or admitting he was wrong, SS16 gets defensive and argumentative. I do not have the energy for it. I just want to grieve my brother in peace. 

Is it wrong of me to ask SS21 or ask SS21 to ask his mom to take in SS16? Again, I do not want to have to deal with a kid who is gonig to make my life harder than what it is, while his dad gets to go trucking and his mom is somewhere out there missing. Ican't and I won't. 

Comments

Lady.Tremaine's picture

I'm trying to piece your story the best I can here with your previous blogs so here's some questions

1. Do both of the stepkids live with you ? Did SS21 move?

2. Is BM missing a new thing ? Did your DH know about her being away before picking up this new "lifestyle"?

3. How did a 16 year old move belongings of that importance without anyone knowing ?

 

Even without those answers I can tell you your DH has no place leaving for a job like that without your full approval and without consent. Maybe if you had bios together ( and you may I just read the last one ) it could make some tiny smidge of a reason. He has a son he wants you to raise and you are the one to say yes or no. I did read you used to be close to SS16 BUT you also did not do right by telling him what's going on with you and your spouse. The kid does not need to know and will use it against you.

As a side note- the truck lifestyle is not even remotely glamorous and if your DH steps a foot into long road trucking he's going to learn that . My father was a trucker for a few years as he didn't get his GED until he was in his late 50s. He was bit by a load of scorpions he was transporting, solicited by "working gals" ( he was a biker and even seeing that lot disgusted him), and had to battle for every dollar he made. Also in the next ten years I do think semi drivers will become obsolete. If your DH wants a new physical career get him into HVAC.

 

SMto3's picture

I only told the kid because he was absent from school as per usual and I was explaining to him why I don't want his dad to leave. I don't want to have to deal with all this. 

SMto3's picture

I only told the kid because he was absent from school as per usual and I was explaining to him why I don't want his dad to leave. I don't want to have to deal with all this. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Kick him out. There are consequences for making a career change on your own and that means you don't get to rely on your wife to raise your bratty boys.  Send them back to BM, don't ask, just do. 
 

Sorry about your brother.  There are 5 stages of grief and Anger is a big one. You are getting no compassion from these males and that makes me angry for you.  
 

My hubby drove truck for a year, paid off the schooling and I had to go get him as he injured his back so bad he quit. Not worth it.  Now he works in landscaping and LOVES it. (Makes more than driving too).   He retired 3 years ago and I needed him to do something besides mess up my house! Lol.  Truck driving is hard on the body.  The lifestyle is challenging, especially when a pandemic hits.  

SMto3's picture

I kicked him out, and it was a nightmare. It got physical, I can no longer support this. 

superlado's picture

The child's parents need to. Wtf. Hope you are ok ? Are you able to move out ? The parents need to deal with their minor child or he can go foster care. Your husband is an unsupportive moron who is excited to leave.  I don't like any of this for you. I'm so  Sorry for your loss.  I hope you have friends and family to support you the way you deserve.  

Winterglow's picture

Your husband is an arse. He expects you to be happy and cheerful and running after his kids when you've just lost your brother? How completely self-centered and utterly ignorant. 

 

I'm sorry for your loss and even sorrier that you're surrounded by such absolute jerks. 

Take care of you and be kind to yourself. 

Powerfamily's picture

What's keeping you in this relationship.

If it was me I would looking to leave, and if property is joint then selling it and buying my own home and letting husband, SS21 and SS16 to live together and SS21 can look after SS16 afterall SS21 is an adult while husband is on the road.

SMto3's picture

I feel better now and I know these are the steps I have to take to protect my peace. My house is under my name so I am lucky that I don't have to deal with relocating on top of all this. I also have a pretty supportive family and no one is happy about this turn of events, and they understand that I am only doing what I should have done a long time ago. 

bananaseedo's picture

So wait,YOU got physical with the ss16?  What happened, did you grab him, hit him?  I understand your anger and grief but that is not acceptable, you should have left the scenario to begin with and let your dh deal with it.  They can press charges.  

If you're at a point that you are incurring physical/emotinal/verbal harm on someone else, it's time to end the relationship.

SMto3's picture

I tried to grab him by his sweater and force him out but he plopped himself on the sofa and continued to yell. So I yelled for H to wake up and get his son out of my house. He said SS is sorry for what he's done, but I don't buy it. I've always had issues with SS but this is a level I refuse to stay in. He knows how to push my buttons, and he did and he will. If he even said he's sorry it's most likely because he realizes I won't be doing anything for him anymore. And it's because I refuse fo let him live with me and I've never taken it this far. 
My daughter told me today "mommy, I will never talk to you that way", and I believe her.