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I’ve noticed that SS16 seems to be a lot nicer to me when SS21 is not around.

SMto3's picture

I’ve always struggled to feel like I’m not an outsider when SS16 and SS21 are together. Here’s is an example of that. SS16 nowadays will look for my affections, hug me in the mornings etc. Yesterday I was in the process of moving and I found that my bathroom spray was in his room. He then stated that it’s because every time I cook the house smells bad. 


Now this is not the first time he says that but I am starting to notice that he tends to act that way more when SS21 is around and his father isn’t. 


Yesterday he also acted as though he was going to throw something at DD6 and then said “haha you flinched”, just provoking her and I told him to stop and he gave me lip, saying that I am supposed to teach her how to be thick skinned. 


I couldn’t get past both of these things as the day progressed so when he asked if I was okay I told him no and explained that I feel like when his brother is around he tends to ridicule me yet I don’t treat him that way when my family is around. He tried to put it on SS21, saying that he could see how I was probably upset because SS21 was instigating by laughing. I told him I didn’t see SS21 laughing but even so, he is closer to me and I feel that he should change that and then he says I make him feel

bad too whenever I say that he takes everyone’s things without asking (which is one of his major flaws that annoys me).I told him that he’s changing the subject and anyway, that’s true, he needs to have more respect for boundaries etc etc . 


Dh is watching this shit show not really saying much and later on we get into it because I asked him if he had gotten to speak to ss about what happened and he said no. I told him that I have a huge issue with SS lack of respect and boundaries and DH stated that he doesn’t have an issue with SS touching his stuff. I then told him that the next time SS16 bullies DD6 and tries to act like he doesn’t understand why it’s wrong I’m sending him to DH so DH can deal with him (dh normally works a split shift so he’s not home half of the evenings). Dh then goes on a rant, saying that he cares about DD6 as much as I do, to the point that DD6 asked me to ask him to stop yelling because she felt uncomfortable. He then begins to mope and DD asks him what’s wrong and he says that I’m going to kick him out, which I never said.


I just told DD6 I didn’t say that and tried to change the subject so she wouldn’t be in the middle of something she doesn’t need to hear. 


Now I’m just fuming, feeling misunderstood and angrier with DH more than anything because kids are kids, they are going to do and act how they will unless their parent actually parents them. The fact that DH says it’s not a big deal for anyone to take his stuff without understanding what that means for me is not okay, along with speaking loud to the point of where DD can hear our arguments, which she has said in the past make her feel bad.


Sometimes being married to a person that has kids who haven’t been taught how to respect and appreciate boundaries suck ass. 


tog redux's picture

I'm confused, who said that you were going to kick him out? If it was your DH, that's an incredibly inappropriate thing to say to a 6-year-old, especially if it's his own child.  Sounds like DH has poor boundaries too.

I personally think you should disengage emotionally from SS16 and learn not to feel bad when he acts like a jerk. But also, if he's taking your stuff, maybe things need to be locked, or the police need to be called (depending on what he's stealing from people).


SMto3's picture

That was the crazy part Tog, I didn't say I was going to kick him out, I told him I'd kick his son out if he bullies DD again, kick SS16 out to his dad's job, not the streets. My motto is DD6 shouldn't have to deal with it, and I have to adopt a zero tolerance towards talk/behaviors that make my kid feel unsafe. I told DH that if he feels like he doesn't like it, he can go too (maybe this is where he interprets that I kicked him out). 
SS16 doesn't steal major things, it's the small things, but a lot of the small things. And I wouldn't say steal, he takes/borrows without asking. The other day he walked into my bathroom and took my toilet paper instead of asking his dad or me to buy him one, or instead of just taking some and leaving the roll there. I've always suspected he has ADD so it happens on a constant basis and it frustrates me. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I have ADD and so do two of my children, and it's no excuse to take things that don't belong to you.

Your husband is being dramatic and lazy

tog redux's picture

So your husband did say that to a small child, that's incredibly wrong. I think he's the root of the problems, here. He has poor boundaries himself. 

I'm pretty sure my DH and SS21 have ADHD, though it's never been diagnosed for either, but what you describe is just selfish. Couldn't he get a new roll of TP from somewhere?

SMto3's picture

He is the root, I know he is. I love my husband very much but he the truth is that he is at fault for the faults the boys have. 

there was more tp in the basement, if SS16 would have asked me I could have told him where to get it but in typical SS16 fashion, he just takes things without asking or considering what that means for other people. Yesterday he couldn't understand why it was wrong for him to take the bathroom spray to his room, because he thought it was "for the house". 

secret's picture

On this one... tp and bathroom spray are for the house, at least they are in ours. How does a 16 year old not know where the tp stash is and why would he need youtotell him where it is?

That said... if he takes bathroom spray from a bathroom, he should also put it back in the bathroom he took it from. If he wants one for his room, get his dad to pick him up an extra... my kids all have a febreeze bottle in their rooms. Maybe a solution?

I dunno, I  think seeing it as "your" tp and spray is a bit much... unless it's because they were in your personal bathroom which he shouldn't have been in, in the first place

SMto3's picture

We have 3 bathrooms in the house, the boys each have their own bathroom. My bathroom is off limits, so yes he took the tp from mine. I have febreze in each room of the house, including his. He took the bathroom spray because he liked it better. I should also add that I'm in the middle of a move for an Airbnb venture and the bathroom spray is what I bought specifically for that. 

ss16 just wants everything, which I can understand but that's different than just taking things. He's been this way since I got into his life when he was 7, so I wouldn't say it's his fault. I don't think his parents taught him not to touch other peoples stuff, and my DH is super low conflict in that he doesn't care much about people taking his stuff whereas I'm a lot more particular about that. I don't like sharing hairbrushes, towels, personal toiletries. We bought a bigger house so we could have more of our own space but still SS finds a way to take things he shouldn't. I told him if he asks, I will most likely say yes (then I'll make a mental note to buy more) but when he takes without asking it's frustrating not only because he took it but because I wouldn't know to buy more. 

simifan's picture

Start going into his room and taking random things. I doubt he'd feel it was no big deal. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. 

simifan's picture

To tell a 6 year old child their family is splitting up because he's pissed is abusive to me. You should be livid. I'd be tempted to follow through on that statement for that alone.