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Stepdaughter!!!

Smile-n-Cry's picture

My husband and I didn't want my sd to get a cell phone yet but she kept bugging her grandmother for one without our knowledge and the grandmother got her one about 8 months ago. We didn't like it but surrendered to it since she had already gotten it for her and because my sd is in athletics and has to go after school to her games, it was convienent for us that she had a way to get a hold of her when she was out.

During the summer I took her phone from her because she hadn't done her chores and I looked through her phone and found a picture she took of herself in our bathroom mirror, she wasn't exposing herself but it was a pervocotive picture showing her cleavage and pulling her shorts up high to show her thighs. I confronted her about it, I was patient and worried, I talked to her about how important it is that she stop taking these kind of pictures and that a 12 year old shouldn't be thinking or acting out like this.

I asked her if she sent this pic to anyone, especially a boy and of course she said "no". Which I don't believe but because she seemed to be listening to what I was saying about respecting herself I figured she knew that me knowing that she sent it to a boy would worry me more. I told her I wouldn't tell her dad about it as long as she understood me and that she would be grounded from her phone for a while.

Well then later that evening I looked through her phone again a found a message from a boy asking her if he could "finger" her!

I freaked out and asked her if she had sent her picture to this boy, and of course she said "no". I told her that I had to tell her father about it after all. My husand talked to her and she listened and cried and apologized for the picture.

I was mostly pissed at her grandmother for getting this phone for her because it feels that we have no control over this situation. Well, I know that all we have to do is give back the phone to the grandma and say that we don't want her to have one yet but then I personally feel that because I'm the stepmom, I'll be the bad guy in this senario.

Because of me finding these things on her phone, because I told her dad it'll be because of me that she won't have a phone anymore. But at the same time, I don't want her to have the availability to do these kind of things. So I decided to call the grandmother and told her what was happening and much to my delightful suprise, she told me to take the phone away from her.

She just turned 13 in the beginning of this month and 2 days ago she was taking forever to do her chores due to this stupid phone (that her dad ended up giving back to her only on the weekends and on game days).

So I took the phone from her so she can get with it and take care of her chores, I looked through the phone and found another picture where she's pushing her boobs together with the inside of her arms to make them look big.

I confronted her again and she was so shameless about the whole thing saying that it was just a picture and that it wasn't a big deal. She denied sending it to anyone but why would a female, any female take a picture like that of herself and not want to show it to someone that would be turned on by it.

When I saw how shameless she was about the whole thing, I felt stupid and didn't know what to say so I just walked out of her room. I told her dad about it and he went and yelled at her and took the phone from her.

The next day I called the grandma and told her what was happening. Well....she said that it's really hard to deal with teenage daughters and that I have to be really careful about how I handle this because if I over protect her I might push her into doing worse. That she's just growing up and liking how her body is changing and that I should just give her some space.

I told my husband about my conversation with the grandma and I told him that I feel that I'm bringing all of these things to everyone's attention and no one is listening. The grandma's attitude pissed me off and made me feel that it's best that I back off and give me sd her "space", and if she ends up pregnant later, I will drive her myself to her grandmother's house and let her deal with it since she was the one telling me I should give my sd "space".

When I told my husband this, I could see that it hurt him that I was saying that I'm not going to help him with her anymore and that I would move her out if she would end up pregnant some day.

Which makes me think that if that was to ever happen, he'd end up moving out too to help his little girl with her new baby. Which makes me wonder what are we together for?

Comments

Sara_Smile22's picture

OOOh Smile n Cry, I have a 17 y/o SD who has since taken off from our home to live with acquaintances, but I guess it was pretty close to the day she moved in with us that we first found NUDE pictures of her on our home PC. She had taken them with her cell phone and was sending them to boys she did not know except through the internet and texting. My husband told me it wasn't the first time he'd seen pics like this of her, but he was so embarassed he hadn't told me. I cut off the picture mail on the kids phones so she couldn't send them on the phone and she was grounded from internet...for a while. About a year later I was on our home PC and ran across two NUDE pics of her on our PC. She took the photos using MY CAMERA...they were pics in the bathroom mirror that clearly showed the camera in them. I noticed the camera had not been returned. When I told DH, he confronted her and demanded she return the camera. She first did not know which pics we were talking about because she promptly denied having taken the camera. So....obviously this was a normal part of everyday life for her at 15/16 to send nude photos to boys on the internet. She thinks it is not a big deal. The one time I got a hold of her phone and looked at her texts, she was also sending sexually provocative messages to these same boys and sending our address to strangers on the internet hoping they would come pick her up....I also have three other children in the home, so needless to say I was less than thrilled at this prospect. Since then, I have monitored her facebook and my space sites as well as her email. She also recieves naked photos of boys privates to her email and phone and they constantly chat about sex. Why am I telling you this? This is the tip of the iceberg of what these kids are doing nowadays. My own BD 16 and I have discussed this as well. She says these types of photos are often passed around at teenage parties for entertainment. SD 17 continues to not see a problem with this behavior....the only problem she sees is that we don't BUTT OUT. My DH would like it also if I would BUTT OUT. Now that she is GONE, I am happy to. BUT believe you me, I won't tolerate it under my roof. Put a stop to it now....cuz this only gets worse.

Smile-n-Cry's picture

Thank you for your response, at first my feelings were hurt about how I'm just the stepmom and her dad and grandmother out rank me and I was thinking that I should step out of the way and let them deal with what ever consequenses will follow, but when you mentioned that you won't tolerate it under your roof, it made me stop myself and think, "hey, this is MY house, they moved into MY house and if I don't like something that's happening in MY house I should say I don't like it and that it's not going to continue. Why should this little girl manipulate ALL of us!??! Not me....not me. Thank you! Smile

katherz's picture

Holy crap!! My DD is 14 and that would freak me out. She had a text from one of her friends (boy) who said that he wanted to be his girlfriend's baby daddy....

I just hope to God my DD isn't doing things like this....she is really open with us, but you never know.

Again, HOLY CRAP!!

*Katherz*
Finish each day and be done with it.You have done what you could.Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can.Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Smile-n-Cry's picture

Isn't it sad that all of this technology that makes our lives so much easier is also just another way that problems come into our lives?.....Just be watchful, thank you for the respond. Smile

Sara_Smile22's picture

Yeah, I know. The last photo I caught her sending was actually in lingerie, bra and underwear...so relatively conservative, but the boy she was sending it to was an Ex boyfriend of one of her friends. I think she sent a less nasty one to him because she knew him and wants him to want her as a girlfriend. It's all for attention...which is really sad if you think about it cuz boys that age will give you all the attention you want, naked. But then that's it. So.....I figure she'll turn up prego soon at the very least, but probably that's the least of the risk she's taking. The other day I saw her ask for drugs and sex in the same sentence. I hope your SD isn't going down this path...but obviously it's not all that unusual if SD is finding it 'no big deal'. The girls do want to use sex appeal...that's perfectly normal, but in the day and age of technology, they are able to dissociate the parts of their minds that KNOW it's wrong....and SD does KNOW it's wrong because she tells Daddy lies about what kind of girl she is. THe last pic, I found it and forwarded it to him from her email. I didn't tell him I did it, I just sent it and waited for him to tell me he opened it....wow, that was a good laugh. You know what he did though? He turned around and focused his attention on how the heck that email got sent to him....rather than dealing with the subject matter and the PERSON he should be dealing with. What a deal.

Smile-n-Cry's picture

Thanks for responding, I feel better after reading my responses knowing that I'm not the only one experiencing all of this. The thing that really got my attention on your response was the part where her dad didn't deal with his daughter and her picture! Why are men that way?!?!? It really bothers me how my husband chooses to ignore these things instead of dealing with them. I don't get it! What's wrong with them? Are they embarrassed? Do they just not know what to do? My husband says he's going to keep an eye on her better than he has, and I'm sure he'll do it for maybe a week tops, then when he feels comfortable again he'll go back to ignoring and turning his head to everything! It makes me wonder why I'm worrying more about her than he is!

Sara_Smile22's picture

Precisely...they are making it your problem...

In fairness, men have a TOUGH time dealing with their daughter's sexuality. He is very embarassed by it. To top it off, she thinks it's no big deal, and he is so exhausted with all her other bad behavior that this is just icing on the cake. What blows my everlovingmind is that he @$$ kisses her...honestly in my opinion, it shows he doesn't LOVE her in the way he should. He should LOVE her enough to show her what she is doing is wrong and dangerous...instead he loves himself more in that he just doesn't want her MAD at him. It's truly pathetic IMO.

I TRULY think, despite my disgust, I actually care more about this kid than her own parents. I care about her the way I would care about any human being...but I feel like that's pretty good given how sh.tty she's been to me and mine.

Smile-n-Cry's picture

My SD bio mom died when she was little, so when I see my husband @$$ kiss my SD I just always figure that has to do with her mother being dead or maybe because she looks so much like her mother maybe that's all he sees. We've had bad fights because of this, I don't know if I'm right about him feeling guilt to disipline her because of her dead mother or if it's what you say, that men just don't know what to do. I hate it that I have to make it my problem, because if I back off I have to watch her get away with everything. So I guess it's going to be my job.

Smile-n-Cry's picture

I hate that word...Princess...UGH! It makes my stomach turn! My husband used to call my SD princess and it would BOTHER me! So I would roll my eyes when he would say it to where only he could see me so eventually stopped! ha ha ha!

He better not call her a princess right now that all of this mess is going on, that would be a little disgusting! Smile

Sara_Smile22's picture

Agreed. I really need to work on that....and totally can now that she's not even something I have to look at anymore...save a couple of photographs.

buttercookie's picture

My kids live with their grandparents for school. My oldest put pics up on the internet when she was younger. I was pissed. I took off work and drove the two hours to get there. I unplugged the computer after I deleted the photos. She said oh I'll just plug it back in when you leave to her sister thinking I couldn't hear. I took the modem home with me and she went about a month without internet. I was made out to be a horrible parent for doing this by her grandmother too. I don't care. I'm a parent and I'd do it again if I saw this type of behavior again. I'm not sure if she ever did it again or if she just got sneaker. I hope she learned her lesson especially now that she's an adult.

Smile-n-Cry's picture

I remember my parents reacting very harshly when I did wrong and I would think they were lame for it, but now that I'm an adult I see why they did it and if my SD thinks I'm lame for my reaction to her actions, I shouldn't care because hopefully if I do an okay job at this stepmom thing, she'll appreciate it one day just like I appreciate my parents for doing it. Thank you Smile

Constantly_guilty's picture

Technology allows and potentially even encourages children to explore their sexuality in a way that we never did at that age. Were we flirting with boys and even starting to get physical, sure. But I think all of this is accelerated by the amount of time they can spending talking, texting and emailing eachother tittilating things that get their hormones raging.

When you were that age, if you got on the phone with a boy, it was the home phone. You were at least aware that their was the possibility of overheard and even with the specter of parental interference, I think most of us will admit we probably had some pretty inappropriate conversations with boys when we were that age.

Now imagine that you had access to technology that allows you to say and do things without being overheard. That you imagine yourself to be operating with impugnity and think how much more bold you might have been...

I'm with you. Limit it. Monitor it. Take it away when it's being abused. And it is definitely being abused.

Smile-n-Cry's picture

Thanks for your response,....I'd like to make my house like my parent's house was when I was growing up. No computers, no internet, no my space, no cell phones and a telephone with a cord that only reached 3 feet from the wall! I'm serious, I'm really thinking about taking my family into a time trip and take them back to 1986!

Hate-Me's picture

i agree with grandma, you cant over protect her, if you do shes going to act out even worse, and not for nothing - the average age teens become sexually active nowadays is around 13-16 years old. you cant undue an influence from school either, hoes of a feather flock together lol if her friends are the same way, not matter what you say or do, shes going to find away around it. let her learn the hard way.

Hate-Me's picture

this is a problem to be discussed between grandma and DH. If DH said no and its his child then grandma needs to respect. Teens are extremely tricky! if you keep restricting her she will act out worse than this! TRUST ME!

Smile-n-Cry's picture

Thank you for this info, I had never thought of this side of the cell phone problem.