does your SO still suffer the effects of emotional abuse?
stemming from their emotionally abusive ex - not you of course. I think Mine does despite my efforts to reassure him that I am NOT her and I don't do what she did to him. And do you notice that the EX is still a little emotionally abusive toward them?
It always been something that I was 'aware' of when I start dating my now fiance. He was overly concerned about 'not being good enough for me' or ' not doing enough for me'. Trust he is and does enough.
Then I met BM and she on more than one occasion berated FDH for something, questioned his intelligence and threatened him with the lose of his children, and in one case she threatened to have nothing to do with him herself - um isn't that what you took away when YOU divorced him? lol
Any way last night FDH seemed down so of course I asked if he was OK, he asked me...
"Do you ever feel like you don't do enough?"
"DO you think that I need to do more?"
"No I was talking about me."
"DO you think YOU need to do more?" (Silence) "I think you do enough, what more could you do?"
He went on to list that he works too much and doesn't do enough with me or the kids, but yet he is worried that he doesn't make enough money to support us... blah blah blah. I looked at him and stated rather directly.
"Not to be mean but BM really screwed you up. You are such a damaged man. You honestly think your not doing enough? Maybe you need therapy."
After years of her tell him that he doesn't make enough, do enough and isn't smart enough he has finally started to believe that crap. The Pope, himself, wouldn't have been good enough for BM.
Now he does seem to know that BM was/is a 'bully' and she pushed/pushes him around a lot. and While He no longer backs down to her every little insult/comment/threat, the long term effect seem to still be there.
Aside from continuing to reassure him, is there anything else that I can do to help him recover?
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Is there any possibility of
Is there any possibility of him getting some counseling? He might not think it necessary, neither did I... until the marriage counselor we saw together after I left him referred me to a specialist dealing with battered wife syndrome.
You just described my dh for
You just described my dh for the first year of our relationship. He had counseling and he is much better now. He isn't 100% confident, but he is at a point where he recognize not everything is his responsibility and that its ok to need help and that if he's doing his very best, then that is all he can do. McCrazy really messed him up. He still apologizes for the most inane things. Drives me crazy.
Yep, it takes time. My FDH
Yep, it takes time. My FDH was abused emotionally by BM for years, and then his kids did the same thing as they got older. They are horrible. He is getting better, but it is a process. They basically had him feeling like he was just a wallet. Money and things were all they wanted, but it was never enough. He worked nights, they screamed at him, he NEVER slept. BM did not work, but she had control of the money. The kids are master manipulators and cons. The problem is my FDH is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mild mannered and his mother kept telling him to give in so the kids would love him-seriously. He is FINALLY learning he is a human being who is loved and has the right to be loved. But the scars run deep...he is finally seeing how toxic they all are, but that brings about even more guilt and sadness when he realizes he never should have married and procreated with the evilness that is BM. It is pretty tough to try to rationalize that.
Time DOES heal, and counseling works for many people. My FDH will not go, but being away from them (the kids dont contact him since he does not give them money now and BM repulses him)has been a huge difference for him.
McCrazy had control of all
McCrazy had control of all the money dh earned, too. And it was never enough. She berated him, emasculated him, isolated him from his family, and told him he was lucky to have her as his "loving / supportive" wife every minute of the day. She constantly told him noone else would put up with his inability to earn more money, take care of them emotionally, take care of the house (inside and out), etc. She had him convinced it was his JOB as a husband to be at her beck and call and that without her propping him up he would be nothing to anyone.
Too bad the bitch didn't count on someone younger, prettier, smarter, and employed to take a liking to him. }:)
And I'm sure all of their
And I'm sure all of their problems were all his fault, too? This is almost exactly what FDH went through. And then she claimed HE was emotionally abusive. Apparently she tried that with her divorce attorney, her divorce attorney threw that out there while talking to his and his attorney said very clearly that she would quickly find herself on the wrong side of a slander lawsuit if she kept making unfounded allegations. Yeah, he can be a butthead at times, but emotionally abusive? Everything she accused him of being (bipolar, narcassistic) fit her to a T, but not him at all. Project much?
Oh yes, she had no friends
Oh yes, she had no friends because she was embarassed by him. She couldn't go out because she had the baby all day while he was at work. Nearly 6 years later and everything in her life is still his fault. And yes, she claimed that he was the emotionally abusive one and she lived in fear at all times.
"But how we deal with that
"But how we deal with that doubt and fear is what makes us strong."
So very true and powerful! Bless you. I am glad you have healed, as much as possible.
Yes. Absolutely. BM is a
Yes. Absolutely.
BM is a bully. DH was a perfect target, a shy, semi-insecure, wanting to please type of personality.
BM beat him down so badly. He was broken, maybe even suicidal at times. BM was certain he would never leave her - that couldn't be more out of character. When DH left BM, she 'forbade' him to leave her. Yes folks, I forbid you to leave. Then she laughed and said, you will be back.
You can imagine her rage when DH grew enough spine to not return. However, that small bit of spine was all he grew. He did seek help for a period of time. It helped him a lot. He has grown a full spine but she still has his balls - namely SD and SS.
DH still carries hoards of guilt that BM placed on him throughout the marriage and from when he got away - I think that is common for someone who has been abused - I may suggest DH return to counselling again.
Oh yeah, BM forbade my FDH
Oh yeah, BM forbade my FDH from ever being with someone else. She HATES that we are together, and that is why we have not told many people about our wedding details. She is also losing child support soon, which means that her last "hold" on FDH is gone.
The sad thing is BM never loved FDH, the kids do not love him-they are INCAPABLE. It is so sad.
Yes. When BM saw that DH was
Yes. When BM saw that DH was taking a stand finally - she basically laughed in his face, told him he was a fool, nobody would ever want him, that she never loved him and that she didn't want the kids but that she knew he did so she would do what she had to, to keep them from him.
The sad part is, DH believed every bit of that. Sometimes he relapses asking me if I love him and telling me I shouldn't love him because he isn't worthy. Drives me insane.
Ironically, BM didn't get any CS - she'd have to keep the kids more than 50% of the time and she tried off an on the first year but she could never make more than 48 hours without calling DH to 'come pick up your kids'. She can't hack it. So she has them 50% because any less would result in HER paying DH CS.
BM didn't love him, the skids treat him just like she used to, especially SS6 for some reason because he was young with DH left - but I guess the training is continuing.
Its a bit heartbreaking for me to watch DH be beat down by his kids - it builds a lot of resentment in me.
My dh wasn't suicidal, but
My dh wasn't suicidal, but was definitely apathetic to life or death. He gained a lot of weight, drank a lot (of course she claims he was an alcoholic - no bitch he drinking you away), didn't exercise. He just didn't care.
And McCrazy forbade him to leave, too. And when she realized her "demanding" it wouldn't make it so, she set out on the PAS campaign, refused to let him see his kid unless he came home, assused him of abuse, etc. At one point she threatened to have me killed.
THe good news for me is my dh grew a spine and grew it quickly. He cut her off at the knees. And having a very strong and smart counselor helped him from falling into the same trap with SD. And because she beat him down so much and because I was there from the beginning, he recognizes my role in saving his life and showing him happiness and is eternally grateful, which is what makes my situation a lot better than most on here. I am the person my dh wants to make the most happy and since I don't take advantage of that, he continues to put me first.
Our BM was a huge bully too
Our BM was a huge bully too and still is. She mentally / emotionally abused SO for years and even physically a few times. It took him a very long time to admit that to me, and I think in some ways he is still "scared" of her. She will berate him all the time, and often in front of the skids.
We went to couples counseling for a bit which was great. I would love him to see a therapist. It's been over 3 years and he is better...he will stand up for himself much more now. I think it does takes time. And support.
Here are a few links to articles I found on STalk about abusive ex's. I really like this website too - I believe it coined the phrase "Golden Uterus"
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/08/02/dating-after-divorcing-a-high-confl...
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/07/13/introduction-to-crazybusting-and-th...
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-go...
My SO is also suffering the
My SO is also suffering the aftermath of nearly 20 years of emotional, and occasional physical (as in being hit with flying objects etc) abuse. I could have written a lot of what is posted above except that he lost weight rather than gaining. Worse than the insecurity for him is just a complete shut down of emotions and difficulty showing affection. I wish I could say he has done as well as some of your DHs with the spine and standing up to BM. He's better, but it's certainly been a long, gradual process. He needs counseling, tried it, but didn't think it did anything for him.
Most of the time this is all part of his awkward charm, but there are times when I'm so frustrated. Then I might pop off and say something about BM's retention of his testicles and then I wound him too.
Anyway, I feel you, OP and others...