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BM drama, child support issues... should I wait to get married?

Shinexnxstar's picture

Wow me finding this came at the perfect timing...I'm currently engage we our wedding date is set for sept 1 2013, and I'm wondering should we wait to get married after we somehow work out this child support drama...

My fiancé's BM, is a little bit of a hot mess...and he doesn't help the situation by feeding into her bs as well...he is ordered by the court to pay $900 a month for a child that he only gets to see on her terms, that's more than 60% of his monthly income...we are struggling as well to make ends meet. I offered and ask him if he wants to take in his son, to alleviate the pressure off of his BM, but when he asked her u would've thought he asked her to die! She claims she's having a hard time being a single mother with no help, but when he tries to offer real help like taking for winter break or even over the summer she flips out and only wants help in the financial department...

We tried to get a modification, (his income has drastically change along with his living situation) through family court in palm beach county Florida...and the child support deot of Florida aka the tax revenue dept got the case closed...due to something with the case number that was filed!

I love my fiancé's but this drama with him and his BM is too much! They can't have a proper conversation with each other and nothing that they'd talk about relates to the well being of the's always about money...she's a server and will probably be doing that for the rest of her life, so she can lie about her actual income(I know because I use to serve)

Should we get a lawyer( we live in nj) will it help for the modification, should we invest our wedding savings into getting a lawyer and push back the wedding I'm in fear that's what's mines will soon become what's hers as soon as we get married...please give advice thanks! Also if anyone has gotten a modification in Florida please advise how!


bartlett5157's picture

You better believe once you get married your income will soon become her income. I would definitely wait to get married and if possible don't even let that psycho know when you do get married because she will be skipping her merry way to the courthouse to take some of your money also! When my MIL got married to her now husband the BM of his kids went to court and because MIL made so much money it was increased a lot so basically now she pays child support for his kids. Nice isn't it.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

In the states of NJ your income can not be taken for CS. I do not know about a FL. Look for a lawyer with a free consult or go online you can Fine CS guildlines for each state.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Is that so justanothergurlNJ?
What if the NCP lives in NJ but the CS order is from NY?

justanothergurlNJ's picture

I don't know. I only know about if both parties live in NJ. Our lawyer told us, I was against marriage for a long time because ther is NO WAY IN HELL my income was going to be calculated as part of his income and included in Cuntzillas child ssupport. I make more the SO but not enough that we don't struggle. Also I have 2 of MY own kids that I support on my own with no CS from their sperm doner. GO online and read the guidlined for NJ and NY, it does vary by stater which is sad. Any spouses income should not be used to support someone elses kids. I didn't make babies with cuntzilla I sure as hell am NOT supporting them.

love_my_shichi's picture

Whenever you have any sort of pangs of intuition that are saying "maybe I should wait" LISTEN TO THEM!

Any time I have neglected to listen to my intuition, I usually regretted it. Once its done, you cannot un-do it and the consequences could be very bad.

Jsmom's picture

Your gut is telling you to wait...Listen and start reading lots of the blogs on here....For most of us, if we could do it over, we wouldn't marry a guy with kids...

justanothergurlNJ's picture


Shaman29's picture

Thank you justanothergurlNJ, I really, really needed this laugh after reading about the shooting in CT.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

So sad!!!

arjuna79's picture

you are engaged to be last in line for love, attention, resources, priorities.... and any kind of sanity. You are engaged to be played by a bm who's got the game down so far, all in her favor... and that ain't changing. All you can change about this mess is your response to it = so do you really want to put your energy into putting yourself at the end of the line w your SO? you don't deserve better?

Journey1982's picture

I have been with SO for 5 years. The only fights we have are about BM and his daughter and the drama they both cause. He has a son who is older and refuses to get involved in anyway. Good for him!

I refuse to marry him because of the drama in his life. At first it was BM that caused all the problems, then with time she taught her daughter to create problems. After 5 years, we still maintain our own homes because I refuse to deal with the the drama. I can go home to peace and quite. For once in my life, I listen to my gut and decided its best that we wait to marry until his daughter is 18 (only a year away!). I realize that the drama can and probably will continue, but at least BM will not be able to call all the shots. She won't be able to haul him back to court every year for more CS or for any other reason she decides to lie about. The unfortunate part is the judges in our county side with the mom no matter what.

Please listen to your gut. If you truly love him, your love will continue regardless if you are married or not. My SO is wonderful and I feel lucky to have him and I look forward to the day I can spend my "entire" life with him - without drama or as little as possible.

Good luck with what ever decision you make.

Shinexnxstar's picture

Wow thanks everyone! I would push the wedding back but we put down a deposit :O ...I don't want to be in the middle of their business but I think they need counseling ...I love him, and I care for his son but his BM is crazy with her mood swings....she's a hard core party girl who's is 34 y/o (I'm 26, my fiancé is 33, the kid is 6) she's never shown me disrespect, and claims she wants to meet me...should I try to talk to her and maybe assure her that we could work out a happy medium for everyone involved in this cs dilemma....i know how she feels because my mother was a single parent with no cs help from my dad and my mom busted her ass to make ends meet without any help from anyone and her hard work paid off...this chic doesn't get that...I mean if ur a single mother and u feel as though ur BD is not holding up his end wouldn't u try to find a better job to get ur life together...also my soon to be MIL watches his son probably 50% of the time almost like a co-custodial parent...the only reason why my fiancé moved 2 years ago to nj is because he's a chef and received a better job opportunity with more money so he could pay the CS but unfortunately that job fell through the cracks and he's not making less money then he did when he was in Florida...I don't know it's a mess and now u guys are telling me its gonna get worse? No one has found a happy ending...oh and btw the kid loves me...I think the reason why she wants to meet me is due to e great reviews he's given her about me

stormabruin's picture

"and I'm wondering should we wait to get married after we somehow work out this child support drama..."
So, this wasn't really an option?

I promise you that any loss you take on your deposit will be far less than what you will lose (financially & emotionally) if you don't postpone the wedding until you & your BF get things in order.

Read through the blogs & see how many people got into their situations believing it would get better after the wedding.

Seriously...think about it.

arjuna79's picture

the real reason she wants to meet you is to figure out how to play the system against you. make you pay more for her doing less. Look, you're young, you can't fix crazy, and no, it does not get better. Losing your wedding deposit IS the cheapest way out. You think they need counseling? You are not in charge of "them." And you can bet BM isn't going anywhere near that idea. Unfortunately, most of us have been down this road and speak from all we've lost, which started from the sweet innocent place you're in right now. Sad

amber3902's picture

If BM is so crazy I would NOT meet with her. If you think having a chat with this crazy lady is going to help things you are sorely mistaken. Asking her why she doesn't get a better job to support herself is only going to make her blow up. She doesn't want to hear that.

And the reason she doesn't want you or BF to have more time with FSS is probably because she knows that it will affect the amount of CS she gets.

And if CS is ordered, a set visitation schedule should be court ordered as well, it should not be dictated by BM.

Yes, it's only going to get worse. It'd be one thing if it was just the BM that acted crazy, but you yourself said your BF feeds into the craziness. There are no happy endings with a crazy BM and a BF that won't stand up to her. Trust me, I've been there. I would call off the wedding until you see real progress on BF's part. So what you put down a deposit? A small price to pay for your sanity.

Bojangles's picture

Just to add some balance, your relationship is not automatically doomed, and you may end up being one of those who maintain a caring, mostly positive relationship with his son. But it is hard work, and if there are issues with money, access, parenting style, housework, discipline etc those are big risk factors for your marriage, because that stuff can cause stress and conflict and unhappiness on a day to day basis. A lot of posters are here because they've already learned that the hard way-the stepparents for whom everything is going great tend not to flock to this site. In the big picture the wedding deposit is small potatoes. Give your relationship the best chance by making sure that the financial situation is clear BEFORE you commit to a lifetime with this man and his child.

SASX's picture

If mother and child live full time in Florida: file to have the case MOVED to Florida.

1) Because step parents income CAN NOT be considered for cs.
2) CS ENDS at 18 and neither parent can be held liable for college costs.
3) DOR (department of revenue) will do a FREE ($0.00 charge) CS review every two years OR whenever there is a substantial change of circumstances.

As for lying about or failing to update income: Florida plays hardball.

Just ask my FDH's ex wife who is still paying him back.