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DH looking at old videos of stepkids and I burst out crying.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Last night my DH was lying in bed beside me, and I hear him watching this old video he took on his phone, of when the stepdaughters were school age 7 and 9 years old, I think. I've seen the video before, but I hate it because I sound so tired and annoyed in it. The kids are filling up the play pool in the back yard with the hose, and laughing and giggling, and they yell at me "Can you turn off the hose?! " They didn't have shoes on and said there were rocks on the concrete pathway that would hurt their feet, so they couldn't do it. 

In the video, you hear me say "Okay. Just a minute! I have to put my shoes on!" I just cringe at my voice because I remember how tired and hot I was, and how much I resented my DH at the time for filming me and them, instead of helping his kids. I always had to do EVERYTHING. 

So, I said "oh, are watching that again? I sound so bitchy in that video. I hope I didnt' sound like that all the time back then."

My DH is on sleeping pills, so he reacts with brutal honesty "Yeah. You did. But you were having to learn to do a lot back then."

Me, being weirdly hormonal this month, started bawling - to my dismay. DH looked mildly concerned. He says "What did I say? I want to make sure I don't say it again if it made you cry." 

Then I admitted I am just feeling very sad about the fact that the skids will likely never speak to me after he dies, and I will be alone in my old age. I always wanted so many kids and grandkids. I planned to have my own, but that didn't happen. I also admitted i was a bit overly emotional at the moment, and it struck me wrong. 

He apologized, but I just felt such regret at that moment. Regret that I put so much of my heart into these kids, and they don't even care. This is not how I thought my life would be at this age. I love my DH, but I so wish he had put his foot down early on. I told him "You just never understood how HARD I had to work to take care of your kids and your mom when she was sick and lived with us. It took everything out of me, and you just bounced into the room like you were Santa Claus bringing presents. All the while I felt like a pathetic ghost that no one saw unless the dishes weren't washed or the laundry wasn't neatly folded. Why? Why did you hide out in the TV room and never help me? ( I know he was depressed but still...... ugh.) 

I hate remembering those feelings. We had some good times too, but it was always at a cost that I had to pay, not him.


Lillywy00's picture

That's why I stopped doing ANY free labor that wasn't benefiting me in any way. 

Want me to bend over backwards for your kids? Fine but you will pay me! If not then good luck getting someone else to do that hard work for you for no compensation  

I also loathe when Disneyland Dad reminisces about his kids because I don't get the same warm fuzzies he does. I get the cold annoying triggers when I see them. 

Rags's picture

It is okay to give DH clarity.

Take care of you.

Give rose

missgingersnap2021's picture

I'm so glad I wasnt videotaped when Sd was younger and here. I know I looked miserable all the time. Hell I still do!!!!

CLove's picture

in the same boat. I am on the other side agewise, and get excited thinking of possible retirement. And then think about getting older than that and whats there to look forward to? Hip replacements? Cant do anything because affraid of getting hurt and not being able to get around?

Certainly no grands to play with...

And we are pretty much empty nesters at this point because SD17 doesnt come over anymore...

Take yourself out and do something fun, and frivolous. Youve earned it!

JRI's picture

Don't dread aging, Clove.  It's been a surprise to me how enjoyable it is.  First, the kids are GONE so all those CS, custody, visitation issues are in the past, I know you'll love that.  Second, once you both retire, it is so enjoyable having your time to yourself, not having to be somewhere at a particular time.  Then, yes, you do tire more easily but so what?  More naps!  Thirdly, you have a perfect excuse to back out of things like entertaining, heavy cleaning, really any duties you want to ditch with a good excuse.  Lol.

Yes, there are medical issues but so far for us, they've been manageable.  With more time at our disposal, it's easier to manage illness. And playing with gkids in retirement?  I have 9 gkids and seldom see any of them, they're busy with their lives.

As I look toward to older age, I see my mom100.  She entered a retirement community at 93 and loved it.  Happy hours, boyfriend, dinners with friends, it's a shame she couldn't go sooner.  She's in a long-term now and seems fine, only complaint is boredom (no happy hour).  Lol.

thinkthrice's picture

Good genetics!   Im semi retired and busier than ever!  You see all the things you neglected from working 40 hours + at the office. 

Rags's picture

CLove, time for you and DH to get your beach house and enjoy your life.  TT, FF & PS have chosen their lives. There is no need for you and DH to be miserable because the Harpy squad have chosen idiocy.  Embrace your amazing... together.

Give rose

Rags's picture

concern me.  

I blame my parents. Dad is nearly 81, has 6 pack abs, hikes dozens of miles a week and works out with weights half a dozen times a week.  Mom is 78, stubborn as hell, never stops... ever.  Though she is continuously active on two new knees (10+yrs ago), a pace maker, a cardioversion procedure, and on a number of meds to control restless leg, and a few other minor but aggrivating conditions.  Her heart is healthy as a horse though she has a very slow heart rate (hense the pace maker) and does struggle with atrial fibrilation episodes upon occassion.

She makes a dozen or more quilts a year, some of them absolutely huge, gardens all of the time, attends quilting and embroidery clubs and schools, and ... they do a few months a year RVing around to a number of National Parks.  Dad hikes mountains, and they do hikes together. Every year on her B-day they do a 10+ mile hike at a Nat Park.

They plan on flying into the side of a mountain together sometime after mom is 85.  So, don't rent them a plane unless your insurance is paid up.


I plan on chasing my bride around the globe. Whether that is a minute, a day, a year, or a few more decades, ... I will take every second of it .... happily.  I have had a  wonderful life, I look forward to the future, and I embrace the now.  I don't know how else to do it.

I do know that my time with mom and dad is limited, but...I cherish every word we share.    I regret that we do not live near them. But, for so much of our lives our parents, or my wife and I, or our son, or my brother and his family have been expats living on the other side of the planet from each other.  Our normal is talking daily, visiting as often as we can make happen.  Some day, sooner rather than later, we will lose one of them, then the other.  I will miss their voices, their hugs, and their laughs. But I will never forget any of the amazingness we have all lived together.


Rags's picture

What you felt and experienced is then.  Embrace your now.

If DH wants to wallow in self delusion of a history that was not notably positive, please remind him that that past is already ruined and you will not tolerate it ruining your now or your tomorrow and DH will not re-visit that crap except when he is alone in a space far from you.  He owes you now, and a forever future not ruined by his past.

I am sorry you are hurting.