DH looking at old videos of stepkids and I burst out crying.
Last night my DH was lying in bed beside me, and I hear him watching this old video he took on his phone, of when the stepdaughters were school age 7 and 9 years old, I think. I've seen the video before, but I hate it because I sound so tired and annoyed in it. The kids are filling up the play pool in the back yard with the hose, and laughing and giggling, and they yell at me "Can you turn off the hose?! " They didn't have shoes on and said there were rocks on the concrete pathway that would hurt their feet, so they couldn't do it.
In the video, you hear me say "Okay. Just a minute! I have to put my shoes on!" I just cringe at my voice because I remember how tired and hot I was, and how much I resented my DH at the time for filming me and them, instead of helping his kids. I always had to do EVERYTHING.
So, I said "oh, are watching that again? I sound so bitchy in that video. I hope I didnt' sound like that all the time back then."
My DH is on sleeping pills, so he reacts with brutal honesty "Yeah. You did. But you were having to learn to do a lot back then."
Me, being weirdly hormonal this month, started bawling - to my dismay. DH looked mildly concerned. He says "What did I say? I want to make sure I don't say it again if it made you cry."
Then I admitted I am just feeling very sad about the fact that the skids will likely never speak to me after he dies, and I will be alone in my old age. I always wanted so many kids and grandkids. I planned to have my own, but that didn't happen. I also admitted i was a bit overly emotional at the moment, and it struck me wrong.
He apologized, but I just felt such regret at that moment. Regret that I put so much of my heart into these kids, and they don't even care. This is not how I thought my life would be at this age. I love my DH, but I so wish he had put his foot down early on. I told him "You just never understood how HARD I had to work to take care of your kids and your mom when she was sick and lived with us. It took everything out of me, and you just bounced into the room like you were Santa Claus bringing presents. All the while I felt like a pathetic ghost that no one saw unless the dishes weren't washed or the laundry wasn't neatly folded. Why? Why did you hide out in the TV room and never help me? ( I know he was depressed but still...... ugh.)
I hate remembering those feelings. We had some good times too, but it was always at a cost that I had to pay, not him.