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What really happened when they turned 18?

SeeYouNever's picture

Or older for your poor souls that were on the hook for CS until the "child" is 23.

What really happened when they turned 18?

My DH and I are daring to start to get excited about CS ending. We'll have a vacation fund! He can put money towards our kids college! Home renovation! Investments! $1200 extra a month!!! I could buy a boat!

My DH thinks SD will move in, and suddenly have a better relationship with him (I think my expectations are more realistic, except the boat) SD15 gets DHs GI bill so college is paid for, thank God so 18 could really be the end. We have friends that sent 2 kids to college on one GI bill so it sucks SD will get the whole thing but if it keeps BM off our back then I guess it's worth it. Otherwise I would be an anxious mess about college. It's going to be drama but it won't be an outlay of money, unless SD goes to school in another country which she has talked about. 

Anyway, aside from a birthday party(were you invited?) Did you and your spouse celebrate aging out? Would it be tacky if I popped champagne and booked a vacation?

I'm curious, what changes and what doesn't?

Comments

AlmostGone834's picture

SIGH....It all began just before Little Idiot (SD22.5) turned 18...

The Skunk Ape (BM, sensing that CS was nearing an end) started to treat her terribly. Little Idiot and her mother had always butted heads but now that the incentive of CS was no longer there, The Skunk Ape gave up all pretenses of a loving relationship. They began to argue constantly. Looking back I now see it was an attempt to push her out of the nest now that she was of no value. 

Foolishly, I wasn't worried too much at the time as Little Idiot was all set to enlist in the Coast Guard. Her ship out to boot camp date was set for August and she was graduating in May. What harm could there be in letting her stay with us for a couple months after graduation? Boy was I wrong!

She came to live with us (courtesy of about the billionth plane ticket we've bought) and immediately set to doing nothing around the house except laying in bed all day. Still, I wasn't about to make a big deal over a couple months...

Well after much fanfare about how amazing she is for serving her country, we saw her off to boot camp and I settled back into my comfortable skid-free life. Unfortunately it was short-lived. 
 

Exactly 3 days after she arrived at boot camp, we received a call from Little Idiot. She failed to make the firming run time and was being sent home! Sent home to MY HOME. That was probably one of the worst days of my life. The first two days of boot camp are basically filling out paperwork and getting checked out by the doctor. On day 3 the real training begins and she immediately washed out. To make matters worse, rules dictate that you are not allowed to go back/try again for SIX months. I was stuck with her for six months!

Those months were complete h*ll. Little Idiot was determined that she wanted to try again and go back to boot camp in six months. Sounds great... except... her run time (that got her kicked out in the first place) needed to improve in that time.... and she had absolutely no interest in getting it down. She didn't want to practice her run. She didn't want to really do anything except lay in bed and stay up all night on her phone.

After about a month, I insisted that she 1. Practice her runs and 2. Get a job. It was a constant battle to get her to do either one of those things every. damn. day. She fought us when we tried to make her practice, saying we "stressed her out". She fought us (or deliberately half a-) any chores we tried to get her to do. She fought us about applying for jobs (and then when she finally did get hired, she tried to lose the job by being lazy). She fought us when we told her to keep in contact and get the paperwork in order to go back (she even lied repeatedly about the recruiter saying that she "could not get ahold of her" well come to find out it was the other way around! She was avoiding the recruiter who was actively trying to get her ready to go back). She purposely failed her physical by lying and saying she was allergic to penicillin and also sabotaged other steps along the way. 
 

It became a running joke on here honestly. And all the while she insisted that she did NOT want to go to college and she DEFINITELY wanted to go back to boot camp. Nope, what she wanted was to work just enough to buy clothes shoes and makeup (which were overtaking my house at this point - she showed signs of being a shopaholic even then) and have me do all the cooking and cleaning while she laid in bed.

Eventually when the pressure got too much and she was about to be forced back into boot camp (can't avoid it forever) she claimed she needed a vacation in FL to visit her mom. Well once she got down there, she called us and said she was not coming back and she decided to go to college there. 

I thought my troubles were over but then THE BIG RAPE AND THE RETURN OF LITTLE IDIOT happened... I could go on and on and on...

SeeYouNever's picture

No offense but every post you make just illuminates the nightmare.

I have a work friend who paid CS to his ex wife and had to fight to see his daughter even though they lived in the same neighborhood. But the moment she turned 18 she turned up at his door with her things. Oh and dyed blonde hair and hoochie nails and a cell phone and social media addiction and all the mental health problems that went with it. When they divorced his girl was a cute but awkward little thing that was great a school, by the time she was 18 after 4 year of primary custody with BM she is a wreck. 

The saddest thing is he's remarried to an awesome woman who worked at a nature center with birds of prey, she is literally a falconer which is so cool! And she said she would move in with him once his daughter was 18 but that doesn't look like it will happen. They've been married 2 years and don't live together because of the stepdaughter. I could go on.

I really don't think BM will give my SD the boot. I think she is more likely to make her get a job and charge her rent, but make her live at home until she gets married. BM never went to college but is obsessed with SD going, I think she will do fine but I really doubt BM will let her move out.

 

Cover1W's picture

OSD18. CS is over. She is going to a private, expensive school out of state. DH had no involvement in anything college related thanks to BM and OSD just considering him a wallet (he also used those words). The PAS is not ending any time soon. DH has almost written her off at this point, she was so terrible to him the last time they "spoke." I don't hold much hope for a reconciliation anytime soon. At least he's not on the hook for college costs. At this point at least. Effectively he has one daughter now. YSD16 still sees him now and then.

lieutenant_dad's picture

OSS is 20 and YSK is 16, so we're only halfway there.

BUT, when OSS got closer and closer to 18, ET started pulling away as a mother. OSS was easy in comparison so I think she just sorta gave up. YSK moved in with us less than six months after OSS went to college, and OSS stays exclusively with us when he is home from college. ET hasn't taken visitation of YSK in 2ish months now, and I honestly don't see her taking any until the holidays (and YSK has no real desire to see her as far as we can tell).

From a money perspective, ET contributes even less now than she did before, and she still gets CS because the cost of going back to court and getting a new CO might cost more than the CS DH owes until YSK ages out. We're also not 100% sure if YSK ages at 18 or 19 (have heard conflicting info). But good news is that college isn't included in the CO, YSK lives with us anyway so DH has way more say on YSK's post-HS education, and both kids are eligible for free in-state tuition due to DH's disabled vet status. Once YSK crosses that magical age threshold, DH will be able to end CS through CSE and that will be it on the obligated money front.

However, the money won't really be freed up for fun things. DH has got to catch up on his retirement, so that is where that money will go. We'll keep YSK on health insurance and help with car insurance and cell phone until they complete their undergrad or equivalent. It won't be much or any less expensive for a few years as we help YSK launch (unless YSK effs it up and doesn't uphold their side of the adulting agreement, which OSS is borderline about to do).

The reality is, the direct support to the kids won't end for us until YSK is about 22, but after 18/19, any help we decide to provide is a choice. It won't be COed and it won't go through ET. I will DEFINITELY celebrate that, but likely with a glass of wine and not something big and spectacular. 

JRI's picture

I'm 77 so I can confidently tell you all that the expense doesn't end at any magical date.  We had DH's 3 and my 2 bios living here full time since BM was a flake and my ex was a druggie.  We received zero CS from anybody so we never could anticipate an end date.  In their twenties, we ponied up for house down payments, bail, support during divorce, etc. I'm just thankful DH and I both worked and could live frugally.

Four of the five kids have moved back for various periods for various reasons (homelessness, transitions during moves, natural disasters, etc).  And, when they've had to move back, it was with a spouse, kids, pets.  

The "kids" are in their 50s-60s now and are self-supporting except for SD61 who we subsidize.  She is disabled (various vague illnesses) and also, imo, mentally ill.

So, I hate to tell you, but don't go crazy celebrating yet.  There are weddings ahead (cha ching), babies, houses, moves, etc.  We set standards for all events, as much as we could, like $x for each wedding gift, $y for down payments, etc.  Parity is my SP religion and this keeps it equal.  Just keep working, folks.  Lol

 

CLove's picture

1 year and 7 months. 19 months. I joke that we will have a BIG bash. But really $347 isnt much monthly however the money she got via tax credits and all that, is a good chunk. The big thing for me has been no contact with Toxic Troll and SD23 Feral Forger.

I figure when the time comes, SD16 SMPS graduates 1 month after her 18th bday...and we will have "the talk". So far its been "I dont really know" said in that Snotty McPouterSulk tone.

I will say something along the lines of "you have 3 options if you want to continue living with us": (Id actually prefer if she stuck to 50/50!)

1. Work full time

2. Work Parttime, school parttime

3. Work Parttime, school full time (what I did)

Otherwise, do you need boxes, youll find them behind the grocery stores sometimes.

Shes got a ton of things in her room and a bearded dragon. So I just wonder what will happen, but I do know that she will be required to have drivers license soon and then a job.

SD23 Feral Forger - havent heard anything from her lately except that she has lupus imaginaria.

thinkthrice's picture

Pumpkinhead OSS (26) PASed out when he was 12.  Chef made reunification attempts which fell flat.   He accidentally emancipated himself as he turned 19 and moved in with Chef's estranged brother, who took the Girhippo's side in the divorce. 

At this point, we had no contact with them for 7 yrs so the Gir was hoping to continue collecting CS for Pumpkinhead AFTER he had moved out. 

I caught this in social media and set a court date for emancipation.   Needless to say, the Gir was livid since she had been caught red handed.   He and his new bride remain radio silent to this day. 

Animal Torturer (stb 24) PASed out at age 9.5.  She stood Chef up several times during his reunification attempts.  Because the Gir got caught trying to keep CS after OSS left home (she actually worked for cps and the family court system) it embarrassed her enough so that she filed court papers shortly after SD emancipated, just before turning 21.  Radio silence to this day although she lives 5 minutes from our place. 

The HousesHitter (YSS stb 20) PASed out just before turning 7 over a home cooked meal.   We believe he is working full time at a local glass manufacturer and we are not sure if he is still living with the Gir and StepDaddyBigBucks (who by the way, is working TWO jobs since 2016 according to LinkedIn)

The Gir and SDBB sold their much larger house earlier this year and bought a MUCH smaller house on the same street as the Gir's Aunt lives on.  The new house only has the Gir's name on the deed!

I am still trying to figure out via PI whether or not YSS lives with the Gir at the new house.  "Early" emancipation at age 20 would be great!  It's not much more ( Equivalent to a car payment)  But when I think of all the money that was flushed down that toilet and how impoverished Chef has been because of it, it makes me ill!  Plus I will be retired from my main gig and going on social security next month!

I have to admit though, I prefer the radio silence over all the drama the Gir clan and skids stirred up.  Enough shitstorm for a lifetime.  I still have Post SKID Traumatic Disorder

I hate NYS's CS laws!!!!!!!!!!

Crr18's picture

I am so glad I will be gone by time they turn 18 and when SO and BM will be fighting about college money.  Even though SO says the kids have to get loans etc. I know how he caved and will be dipping into his retirement. SD will turn 16 in December and I am guessing that fight will be coming with BM. These are things SO doesn't like to talk about and gets angry when I bring them up. 

Rags's picture

If they launch, then it is time to party.  At least in our experience that is the case.

For us, as the CP household, life changed but not much else. We never needed the CS so that ending was a non event.  It took almost a year after HS graduation for SS to launch.  He turned 18 at the end of summer following graduation from HS.  His final COd SpermLand visitation was scheduled to end two weeks before his 18th B-Day.  He called to ask if he could extend his summer visitaiton to be with the SpermClan since he had never been with them on his B-Day. That was their choice. They always took him at the beginning of summer to deny his mom the July-4th holiday with him.  She was supposed to have him for 10days, at her discretion, anytime after the first two weeks of their summer viisation. After DW's 10days he was to return to the SpermClan for the remainder of their 5wk summer visitation.  They never surrendered SS for that 10 days. They would play games with DW's mid visitation visitattion then cry when they had to send him home a few weeks before his B-Day.  

We agreed to let  him stay the extra two weeks.  To minimize the risk of him refusing to come after turning 18 DW was standing at SpermGrandHag's door the day after his B-day.  We knew it would be hard to tell his mom to her face that he was not coming home and had decided to stay in SpermLand with his SpermClan.  Fortunately that did not happen. He got in the car. I flew out a couple of days after SS joined DW for a few days with her family and we had a great road trip back home.   He was a bit sullen for the first couple of days of that trip.  When he saw the N Rim of the Grand Canyon his sullenness melted and he was engaged for the rest of the trip.  He was dealing with the fact that he was now 18, out of HS, with no clue of what he was going to do.

He did call his mom and I out during that return home road trip.  "I know why mom came to get me. You guys thought I wouldn't come home. You know, I know who my family is and where my home is.  I never even thought about staying with them.  They are not my real family."

His mom and I were a bit sheepish for a while after that. Not long, but he did make his point quite well.

8mos after he turned 18 he reported to MEPS to report for USAF Basic.  He has been in for 11.5+ years, has 4.5 left on his current obligation and fully intends to re-enlist to get to 20+ years of service and retirement.

We are proud of him.  He is a truly good man and successful professional.