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Help - Husband overdiscipling stepkids and no discipline for BK

sanity's picture

I need input on this one. My husband and I got married two years ago. Our kids are 15, 13, 9, and 4. The older two are his BK and the younger two are my BK. I have always been strict on discipline and he has never disciplined his BK growing up. We are working on middle ground. The problem is that he is overly discipling my son and his son gets away with bullying the younger two and being disrespectful to the younger ones. An example, he yelled at the 9 year old during his chores for whining while earlier in the evening he pulled the 13 yr old to the side to quietly tell him to quit being so mean and disrespectful to the 9 year old during an outburst. I am happy that he does do some discipline for the 13 yr old because when we were first dating his son was 10 and still throwing himself on the ground for temper tantrums. I actually broke it off with him until he at least started some discipline. We have come a long way. The older two do show respect to me now but when I am out of the room they are so tough and negative to the 9yr old. I guess I have two questions. What can I tell the nine year old to do or say to the bullying? and What do I do about the fact that my husband is strict with my BKs and lenient with his? We have the younger two full-time and the older two half-time(split custody with their BM). I am glad that he is learning how to discipline but why can't he do it with his son?

Comments

dbsojo's picture

In terms of the 9 yr. old: If you think he is mature enough, it may do you well to explain some things to him, like why you think that the older ones act that way. It might be a good opportunity to show him how to be understanding and empathetic of others (a good life skill). It would open a conversation in which you explain that it's not his fault how he is being treated, and that sometimes people take anger about an issue out on other people. I don't know how much about their lives you would want to tell him, but even just explaining that they are going through some problems right now, and that even though they are not dealing with it constructively, that they are just acting out anger, it isn't his fault, and that even though they are not acting like it, they do love him. Sometimes just explaining to kids why things are going on is enough to help them get through something. I would emphasize, however, that this is not an appropriate way to deal with problems, and maybe even give him some examples of how to do it appropriately.

In terms of the fairness regarding discipline of the older two: It sounds like you and he have talked about this before. You said you have come a long way, so maybe some more talking is in order. The thing about people is that they don't always like to be told that they are part of a problem that is hurting their family. Some folks get defensive and refuse to be part of the solution.

Maybe you could focus on the improvements that have been made and what it has done for your family. Then, based on the positive effects, note the issues about the discipline. Just make sure that you focus on "you're a good father, but you could be an even better father" as opposed to "you are doing this wrong". You may consider the idea, as well, that maybe he feels like the older ones should be approached/treated/disciplined differently than the younger ones due to the age difference (which could be a valid point). If this is the case, you two need to talk about it. Make sure you understand where he is coming from, and then you could talk about more appropriate ways of dealing with them. Maybe he just needs a better strategy. This is something you should agree on.

sanity's picture

Thank you so much. I have to say I guess I needed that reassurance or pat on the back saying I was on the right track. You are right that we have talked about it before. We talk all the time about everything. This is actually the only thing that really affects me emotionally. I will keep working on the positive reinforcement and strategy suggestions. Thank you so much. Sometimes a person starts to feel as if maybe they are way off base.

happy's picture

Let your son stand up for himself to them. Not physically but with his mouth. He does not have to put up with it. And if your husband has a problem with it then maybe he should start doing his job. Irregardless those kids are all of yours and should be treated equally. At least with the respect on discipline. Also if your husband wants to be so lenient on his angles.. then maybe tell him that maybe you should both back off and just parent each others kids on your own. Like you discipline yours and he disciplines his..

Just a thought..
Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

sanity's picture

I am working with him on standing up for himself. He even asked me the other night if he could say a bad word when he did that. I had a difficult time not giggling. I never thought about the totally seperate discipline. I don't know if I could handle that. I have eased up on discipline because I was probably a little overly strict when with bk. At first my SO's family said that I need to lighten up with the discipline on his bkids but now they are actually thanking me for doing such a great job to get the tantrums to stop before he turned 12! I have to say that my 4 year stopped at 2. Sorry digressed into pettiness for a moment. I know my husband doesn't like to do the discipline because he doesn't like the kids to be mad at him (his son will use tears) so he either backs off or ignores it. I think we can find a happy medium in the middle without compromising the values and morales that we both want to instill within the children. Does that make sense?