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13 yo twins. One is tearing apart my family.

Withoutapaddle's picture

Hello all, I'm new to this so please bear with me. And when I say new I mean new to posting anything online ever. But like many of you I am at a loss right now. I'll obviously try anything and/or look for guidance anywhere. My wife and I have been married 7 years. We have 2 paternal twin 13 year old girls, my step-daughters. We also have a 5 year old and a 4 year old, both daughters as well. The eldest, by 2 minutes (a fact she repeats often), is tearing my family apart. She is a bully at school to her twin sister. She is mean and nasty to her two younger sisters. And every attempt I make toward getting my wife involvedj in addressing it, it drives a wedge between us. My wife thinks I'm too strict and says I see issues in things that aren't actually issues due the specifics of my own upbringing. I don't feel I ask for much. I know for a fact I ask for way less than what I feel they're capable of or what I think would be fair. But that doesn't mean I don't question myself. This is why I'm here. I hope to gain insight to the validity of my requests and gain perspective on how I may be contributing to the problem. To start I will list chores, expectations, and rules. The twins have about 15-30 minutes of chores everyday after school. These include taking out garbage, tidying their bathroom, and feed their pets (and pick up doo-doo). They are also expected to keep their room relatively tidy, which does not happen but hey they're teens and teens are gross. Once a week they both have a bigger chore where one does floors and one does some laundry folding. This may take 30 minutes to an hour or so. The little ones each have a chore too. The 5 year old cleans the living room floor which is mainly toys. The 4 year old tidys the shoe area. Total 5 mins or so each. That sums up chores. The rules and expectations: They need to keep up with their school work. And wake up in the morning for school on their own using the alarms in their phones. They can raid the fridge and pantry for anything healthy like fruit, yogurt, granola bars, etc etc. They have to ask for junk food. That's it. Now what actually happens is they do a quick lazy job on all their chores until I make them do them good. Ok. Again, they're teens. I expect this. The thing is, I can talk to the younger twin, and she'll say sorry I do it now or do it right next time. And she does. The oldest just starts off saying how I'm so rude and then she's crying and screaming how I'm just mean. This girl is the worst. She'll scream so loud her mom, my wife, will come down and immediately defend her daughter when it's her daughter doing this.  Cause of this situation happening repeatedly, I refuse to deal with her directly. I have been trying to get my wife to deal with her every time an issue arises and now my wife thinks I have it out for her. She thinks I'm hyper focused on the oldest. I find the younger twin crying all the time because of how the oldest makes fun of her at school in front of her friends. Or how the oldest will just blame her for things that are clearly the oldest' fault. Constantly belitteling her sisters. Constantly making fun of them. Especially if they show emotion like crying or sadness. She never apologizes, even when she's made to she finds a way to make it insincere. The little ones calm her the mean sister. The younger twin calls her a bully and a bad person. I try and talk to her trying to say she has so much good to offer her sisters but she chooses to make them resent her. I am starting to resent her because she just doesn't care. She doesn't care about anything or any of us... except for her little dog. She makes sure to say I love yous and hugs and kisses her dog in front of us all. I can't remember the last time she hugged any of us. Don't misunderstand... we hug her all the time. She just kind of leans in and looks away. She's always saying how much her dads is better than our house but he's a sexual debviant who propositioned his ex-mother-in-law to give money for sex and feet pictures. And he's a fucking flake who just is blowing his chance to be a dad to these children. Another reason I tend to take it easy on them when they are having attitude or blow ups. But again, the younger twin is reachable through conversation. The older ends up saying she wants to commit sui.. and hates me and wants to live with her dad. But if we let her live with her dad she'll end up a piece of shit just like him. So that's not an option. It was affecting me so negatively I pretty much begged my wife to intervene. She did a bit but when it comes to discipline or consequences, she does nothing. Now I'm begging again for her to intervene again because I found our younger twin crying in the garage. She was crying about being bullied and how if she does or says anything, her sister will make the cool kids at school be even more mean to her and make more fun of her. I went to my wife and she exploded saying I have it out for the older twin and she wants to leave. My younger twin doesn't talk without some prodding and my wife does not do that so they don't talk about anything real. I've begged my younger twin to talk to her mother but she says she can't. My wife is mad at me and I blame the older twin. Now I constantly wrestle with the guilt of having this resentment toward my daughter and my wife. I can't leave or the younger twin and the little ones won't have my protection, little as it may be. I need help. I am inching closer and closer to just losing my shit and making myself into the bad guy. Help. 

Mommymode1985's picture

Ugh. I have step twins too and I'm sorry. You can click on my past posts to read some if you like, but with my situation it was dangerous. I was concerned about CPS coming in and I told my husband I will not be around them without cameras or a witness. I'm a conspiracy minded person who hates the government so you can imagine how desperate I was feeling to invite something like cameras into my life 24/7, but it provides the truth for all to see. Perhaps security cameras installed will help you so you can refer mom back to the reality of the situation.

 

Don't let her scream at you. Just walk away and tell her you don't allow ppl to scream at you. What I learned is that I put up strict boundaries and if they're not met I disengage ASAP. Mom doesn't seem to want to have you involved in the upbringing, so let her deal with it. Once she sees that you're done, truly done with the outbursts and they all fall on her, she will come running to you for help, or she won't and she'll fix it. Either way your blood pressure won't be thru the roof dealing with the bullshit.

 

The other thing you can do if it's YOUR home is to set rules that will be followed by all for YOUR home, and agree on consequences beforehand with mom. That way you're just enforcing agreed upon consequences. Most of us realize we have married immature people after the fact and we struggle with it.

 

Honestly, if you share children with this woman, she obviously trusts you to parent. Telling you not to parent the steps while YOU are caring for them financially - but do parent the bios that's fine - that's a slap in the face. I will not be left alone with children I'm not allowed to discipline. Ever. 

 

As far as mom saying you're hyper focused on the LOUDEST MOST PROBLAMATIC CHILD lmao tell her yeah huh, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. We focus most on newborns bc they scream the loudest. This girl has impulse control issues sounds like. You aren't the bad guy. You sound like you've been going against your instincts to take over and fix it, and I honestly think you should take over and fix it. Your hone is in tatters. Someone needs to control it.

Shieldmaiden's picture

It might already be too late for the oldest one. My oldest SD always hated me, no matter what I did. She left at 17 to live with BM after she threatened to hit me. (She raised her hand in a fist and took a step towards me like she was going to punch me. ) 

I know its different for men (Stepfathers) as they tend to get accused of things and its on them to prove their innocence, so in your shoes, I would set up hidden nannycams in the public rooms of the house (not bathrooms or bedrooms, of course). Then you have an unbiased witness in case this kid decides to tell lies about you. I don't know that I would stay in this situation as its only going to get worse. Your SO doesn't want to see it, so you are alone in this. That sucks. I know what that is like, but you have to protect yourself. 

What if this kid decides to accuse you of sexual abuse, or physical abuse? It seems like her biodad is a perv and she may be taking this out on you, because she doesn't want to face that her biodad is a.... well... a perv!  You have  a right to be respected in your own home. 

Lifer33's picture

This will get worse not better. My brother has been a very similar situation , and tried twice to make things work as he loved his wife, and dd. The evil sister has now damaged both her full sister and little half sister beyond repair.  Mother never reigned her in, I'm still unsure as to whether she was scared of the girl or saw and treated her like a friend. 

Then the girl grew older and brought along her equally nasty boyfriend come husband  to this day they poison and bully the whole family.

My brother walked this year for good. Poison step daughter has rallied her mother that it was all his doing and they are the victims. I wouldn't want you to end up there. If you can keep good access to your own children and run 

CLove's picture

If you feel you will blow up, walk away, breathe.

You need a big huge heart to heart with your wife. She is siding with abuser SD.

I do not tolerate bullying as my youngest brother committeed the big S from being bullied. SD23 used to hit and punch SD16 and call her ugly and stupid. When I called her out on it she threatened to committ S and run away or whatever.

Yep the squeaking wheel, that was SD23 Feral Forger. We are currently no contact.