How did I end up back here?
This past March, after a year of ostracism from my DH's family, he and I cut out everyone but SS30. I blocked them from all forms of communication. DH hasn't blocked, but he "unfriended" an aunt who is a key player in the family (aka Jonestown). He told his mother, another key player, that he was very angry with her and that their relationship will probably never be the same. No one other than his uncle (sibling of MIL and the aunt) has tried to contact him. It was a huge weight off of my shoulders and off of our marriage. In June he gave me a new engagement ring because I refused to continue wearing the family heirloom ring he had originally proposed with. He "proposed" to me in our favourite restaurant, and asked me to continue being married to him despite his shitty family. In July, we spent an amazing week together in the Dominican Republic. We have a wonderful marriage and a wonderful life. While away, we talked a lot about the past year, and vowed to move forward together and leave the shittiness behind us.
The day we returned home, SS called to say he had proposed to his SO. We knew this was coming but he had previously said that it would be a long engagement so we figured we wouldn't have to worry about how to handle it for awhile. Everyone in DH's family knows we aren't attending family functions, and they even stopped inviting us, which was perfect.
One week later, SS's SO called DH and asked if we were free on August 20. We said yes. Then she told us that she and SS are having an engagement party that day. And just like that, all of the stress and anxiety came flooding back into my life. If you've read my previous blogs, you know that my kids and I have declined to attend but DH feels strongly that he should be there. I want to support him. I really do. I know the last year has been devastating for him. But in my heart and soul, I don't think he should go. Although I was invited, I'll be completely shunned by his family. It's been about 2 weeks since we heard about the party and I can't seem to think about anything else. I'm angry that I've been pulled back into this headspace. And that my marriage has been shaken again. I'm a proud, headstrong person and as much as I wish I could let these feelings roll off of my back, I can't. It's upsetting how brief the reprieve was and the realization that this situation and these feelings are likely going to continue to shroud my marriage forever. I don't want to live without my husband. But I don't want to live like this either. I feel sad and defeated.
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Comments
I think if you don't go to
I think if you don't go to the party and DH insists on going, you should treat yourself by going out with friends, taking a spa weekend or a little trip, or something. Using community funds. If DH feels he "has to" go to this party, you will just have to do something fun. Maybe go shopping for some nice clothes? Hell, do that even if you do go to the party. It sucks you have to be treated like shite to stay married to your husband.
We don't have community funds
We don't have community funds. I bought my ex out of our home when we split and DH signed away his rights to it when he moved in. I pay all expenses connected to the house. I've thought about pointing out to SKs and DH's family that they'll be making him homeless if we break up, but I don't want them to think that that's why he stays with me. He has a decent job but real estate is a nightmare where we live. Basement apartments are renting for over $2k/month. We both plan to retire in 6 years, with the house paid off. He has a pension but it would be a very difficult retirement if he had to pay rent. He's not a deadbeat, and he does pay me "rent" but the plan is for that to end when we retire.
In your last post you said
In your last post you said both you and DH would be attending, per the therapist’s advice and you would leave together if people got sh@tty with you? Did something else happen to change your mind?
Yes. I reached out to DH's ex
Yes. I reached out to DH's ex-SIL, who I've always been on good terms with, to get a feel for what I could expect from that side of the room. Both she and ex wife responded and sait it would ne "best for everyone" if I don't attend. That counts as shitty to me. I don't think it's okay for people to suggest that DH shelve me when I'm not convenient, rather than seeing us as an unbreakable 2 for 1. I then let SS's SO know that my kids and I weren't going to attend. She respond hy saying that "she'd hoped (I) could get past the drama for their special day". I told her that I was cery sad to miss it but that there are circumstances she isn't aware of and that my goal was to keep myself out of the drama and keep the drama away from their day. I also asked her to please not assume that I was being petty or self-centered by not going. She didn't respond. Also shittiness. So, I'm out. And I think DH should be too. But he has a whopping case of divorced dad syndrome and SS will be a drama queen about it, whereas I will just hide in my garage crying and smoking.
Ahh got it, well it seems at
Ahh got it, well it seems at this point even despite your best efforts to placate these people they will always find fault in any choice/decision/comment/apology/etc. you make. It appears the only way you could ever appease them would be to lay supine on the floor while they continued to walk all over you.
That's exactly how I feel.
That's exactly how I feel.
A Lesson I Learned
Backstory....much drama as you've experienced. While I got invites, it was fake and I was shunned and/or ignored. After 12 years of crap, I disengaged completely. Had not seen any of DHs kids in 5 years, one in near 10 years. Until this year. First visit with son/wife/kids went okay. Awkward but no drama. Two weeks later, Mini Wife (40) and Drama Queen (30) came and of course, started trouble. They were told to leave by me and DH backed me. When oldest daughter asked, where do we go from here?, DH told her, none of you come to my home. I will see you away from here.
While I was angry and thought he should have been tougher, he wasn't. With some more counseling sessions, I've come to this conclusion. I married DH, not his kids. We have a good life and good marriage. His kid "impacts" only happen when they come to our home. So, I'm okay with his stance of them not being welcome in our home, and take that as him defending me. He sees his kids on his schedule, goes to events he wants to go to and I stay away (even when they've invited me). While I can be done with his kids, he can't. And I get it. I have my own bio kids.
I do not see DH attending their events as us not being a "team." It's two separate family groups, one I'm not a part of. In fact, I do NOT want to be a part of. So, when DH does "kid" stuff, I do my thing. I've got a full life, filled with friends and crafts...it's not a big deal to me (anymore). Peace above all is my goal.
Best to you. It's a hard journey, regardless of what stance you take.
Thank you CajunMom for
Thank you CajunMom for sharing that. Can I ask, was it always bad with your SKs?
Mixed Reactions
In the beginning, the two younger ones had no issues with me....in fact, we got along great and did a lot of things together. And the oldest son/wife had no issues with me...weren't really involved with us as they lived in another state but no drama. It was DHs oldest son and daughter (along with BM) that practiced the PAS and BS games of StepHell. Eventually, the two youngest went the same way.
The kid that "hurt" the most was the youngest son....he lived with us several times. I did so much for him...all of them really....but he was the one that I thought had the most potential to get out of the enmeshment and madness of the crazy family dynamics. Sad for him, he ended up going back to Clan Land, missed 53 days of school and failed his Senior year. So, today, instead of being a PT Tech, he job hops and has yet to find a career. I haven't seen him in near 6 years.
Today, though, I'm over it all. They made their beds, they can lay in them. BM is now dead and they are "short" a gift giving parent. Oh well.
Thank you for sharing. I'm
Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for the pain you went through. It helps to know that you made it through to the other side.
I get the anxiety, time to put it on them.
You go with DH, be connected at the hip. Discuss with DH that the two of you will not leave each other's side during the SS engagement party. Be radiant. Hit your favorite salon for a full meal deal hair, skin, and makeup makeover. Then hit your favorite rockin dress/outfit boutique. You and DH express your living your best lives together happiness and confidence. If any of the toxic IL clan oversteps, DH needs to smack them down immediately and pointedly. The you of you tag team the toxic in between breaths so they get no chance to play their usual games.
As for YOUR orignial engagment ring that was gifted to you by the Aunt..... it is yours. You choose what to do with it.
My XMIL pulled this crap with a refrigerator she gave to a good friend of mine. He gave her cash for it, she refused and told him it was a gift. After my friend broke up with my XSIL, sudenly XMIL was all about repossessing the refrigerator. He and I put it in my XIL's drive way.
Karma... was years later when my XMIL was arrested for embezzlement from the company she worked for for 30+ years. A company that put laundry equipment in apartment laundry rooms, truck stops, and laudramats. She also had a habbit of gifting appliances to a number of people. Brand new appliances, washers, dryers, refrigerators, freezers, microwaves, etc.... She also would sell them and pocket the money. Federal prison was the Karma bus repeatedly running over her.
I would use the ring as a right hand ring and put it in your jewelry wearing rotation. If I were you.
Congrats on your re-engagent. Time to rub the noses of all of the toxic manipulators in living your best life and marraige. After all, it is the best revenge. Show them all that you and DH are strong together, you are thriving, and they.... don't matter.
Have fun!!!!!
The unfortunate reality is
The unfortunate reality is that DH won't smack them down. His dynamic with his family is so f'd up. It's akin to what abused spouses experience (I hope that doesn't offend anyone). He wants to stand up for me. And he'll donit in terms of avoiding them, but he can't engage in any kind of direct conflict with them.
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Good luck!
I appreciate your perspective
I appreciate your perspective. But you're wrong about my husband. One thing I haven't doubted throughout this whole mess is that he loves me and that it breaks him when I'm hurt. (Which is why I cry in the garage. I don't want to add to his stress and/or make decisions he'a not comfortable making in order ti appease me). It's been hard for me to understand his approach because I've always been a very straight-up personality. And I was also raised by parents who weren't perfect but who supported me unconditionally, and encouraged mine and my sister's autonomy and independence. In my world, families disagree all the time. Loudly. But those disagreements don't break the family. DH's family is the polar opposite. They look great from the outside, but at the end of the day that's as deep as gets. Under the surface, they are seriously cult-like. It's an ugly combination of groupthink, gaslighting, and toxic "loyalty". It's taken a year of therapy for him to begin to come to terms with this reality. And, as he subconsciously feared, his family would rather see him leave than accept any smidge of autonomy. He's lived this way, and believed it to be "normal" for 53 years. He's working hard to figure it out, and I don't blame him for needing time to fully break free of the dynamics.
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Good luck!
You make some valid points,
You make some valid points, and a lot of what you said resonates with how I've felt at times. DH is really struggling. And I waiver between understanding and supporting him, and protecting myself.
Initially, I did care what the crazy clan (good one!) thought about me. I was welcomed and celebrated by them for over 10 years. I now realize that that was just extended love bombing. But when this mess started, I was devastated by their rejection and, yes, tried hard to explain things to them. And they have accused me of making DH choose between me and them, and for a long time they were wrong. But a few months ago I did tell him to choose. I told him to either leave menor leave them, because I couldn't have the toxicity in my life anymore. He cut them off (everyone but SS30) and we were getting back on track (although I know he was suffering). Now this party has thrown us back into turmoil. The only positive is that DH is seeing how quickly our lives were impacted by even a hint if interaction with his family. As for SS30, I am very happy that he was positive with me, and I have some hope that we can move forward with him. He was pretty awful to me in the beginning, and DH did make it clear to him that he wouldn't be welcome in our home if he was ever rude to me again. SS30 broke down at that time and said he was really scared about what was happening in the family. Since then, things have been different between us, but civil. So I'm happy that he was positive, but I know that it can turn at any moment and DH knows that I won't accept it when/if it does.
I do appreciate your comments, some of them were hard to hear, but reality bites sometimes.
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Good luck!
No, not hurtful. You're
No, not hurtful. Your comments were just straightforward and that's okay. I appreciate your feedback and support.
When is DH going to protect you, your marriage, and himself?
DH is really struggling. And I waiver between understanding and supporting him, and protecting myself.
There is no undestanding cowardice. He needs to man up, put the toxic players in their place, and you and DH need to be radiantly present at every event and prepared to bare toxic idiot ass if they ply their usual crap at an event.
Later.... rinse.... repeat.
The thing is, I hate these
The thing is, I hate these people. I don't want to go to their events. I want DH to man up but I don't think he will. And if I make him, he's going to resent me. So what do I do? Do I leave this man who has been the love of my life until the last year? Not to mention, my kids love this man and their biodad has stage 4 cancer. They're young adults but I still worry about them losing both of their fathers. I feel so stuck. I can feel the anger growing as the engagement party gets closer. We have an appointment with our therapist on Thursday and I just hope she can get us through this.
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Good luck!
I do have plans to soend the
I do have plans to soend the day with my girlfriend on the day of the party. But that won't change how betrayed I feel about him still going.
A thought. Ceteris paribus, how would you feel if DH refused to
be at your side at your kid's/family events? Then confronted you about feeling betrayed by you attending without him?
I get that the situations are different, however, your feelings of betrayal do not pass the smell test.
Rather than withdraw and embrace questionable feelings of betrayal, make this whole thing about you and DH bonding, walking through life side by side, including the navigation of blended family challenges, differing family back grounds, and challenging IL relationships.
I do not dislike my ILs at all. However, I have little respect for them. Even my DW struggles with respect for her family and struggles with not having much if anything in common with them. I make sure to accompany her to her home town for her family time as much as my work schedule will allow. though not influecned by simmilar issues to those she/we experience with my ILs, DW is with me when I visit my family.
A thought. Ceteris paribus, how would you feel if DH refused to
be at your side at your kid's/family events? Then confronted you about feeling betrayed by you attending without him?
I get that the situations are different, however, your feelings of betrayal do not pass the smell test.
Rather than withdraw and embrace questionable feelings of betrayal, why not make this whole thing about you and DH bonding, walking through life side by side, including the navigation of blended family challenges, differing family back grounds, and challenging IL relationships?
I do not dislike my ILs at all. However, I have little respect for them. Even my DW struggles with respect for her family and struggles with not having much if anything in common with them. I make sure to accompany her to her home town for her family time as much as my work schedule will allow. though not influeced by simmilar issues to those she/we experience with my ILs, DW is with me when I visit my family.
Ignoring toxic crap... is tantamount to condoning, facilitating, and enabling it. Try absolute zero tolerance confrontation with your and DH at each other's side.
IMHO of course.
If my family, or anyone else,
If my family, or anyone else, treated DH the way his family has treated me, he wouldn't have to refuse to go to events. I would refuse the invitation on behalf of both of us.
My own children have some valid complaints about their own step-mother and I have always worked to help them understand her point of view and focus on her good qualities. If they were rude to her (or to anyone for that matter) they would hear about it from me.
DH seems to be incapable of conflict with his family. So I am practicing zero tolerance by not allowing them in my life and I feel no remorse for that. If I was willing to be a doormat, I would have stayed my first husband and kept my family intact.
You...a re a quality parent.
Sadly, DH isn't. He is also not what I would categorize as a loyal husband. He lets his shit show gene pool marginalize his wife.
Good luck with this never ending drama fest.