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I found my husbands ex and child....unselfish or crazy???

s varela's picture

Okay so I got married june this year to a great man. we have been together more than four years. I have two chinldren from a previous marriage. From day one my husband told me about his little girl. He was 23 and ex was only 16 when together had a baby and one year later they split. When he lost his job and couldnt pay the amount of child support she wanted she kept the baby from him. He sadi after trying for a year to see her support her the ex didnt want him to see the baby. So he said he picked up and left after telling his two yr. old that one day she will understand and she him again. Now that is his story and we all know there is always another side. I do not agree with his decision tyo leave at all. So to fast word to when we met....He told me about this and how much he misses her and how he has not been able to find her. As I relationship became more and more serious and seeing him everyday I mean everyday him kissing his one and only picture of her I made a promise to him...I'll find her.I need to mention that He is a great stepfather to my 11 and 13 yr olds.After three long years of search and just a name to go on I did find her.I didnt hesitate to switch numbers so she could call ME OR HIM. She texted me!! Said she couldnt call only text...she asked alot of questions and said thank you. It seemed like this was a new beginning! But little did I know The so called women is CRAZY!


s varela's picture

It has only been three days and I need someones advice this is driving me crazy. Now she is telling my husband she loves him and wants him to be there with her and Their daughter....And how I'm only connected to him by a peice of paper....UGH.. I trust my husband completly when he says he is gonna handle this. The convo between me and her started off good then she started putting me and my kids down. I only replied "look I am stepping back now and you and him can disguss things". Wow this girl is something else tho she constanantly text and calls my husband. He is in the process of getting a phone for his little girl and sending some well over due support money. I'm scared this is gonna be so stresful thast it is gonna break my patience and my marriage. Please tell me that someone is out there that has experienced this and it stats off rough but finally calmed down. I had tunnel vision onlym on the happiness of reconnecting a father with a well missed child. This is bitter sweet he and the child talked and seem happy to be back in contact...I'm hoping she has not sadi any of these hateful things around her cause I can only imagine what she is feeling within herself.I want to think I was being unselfish but Now I just feel CRAZY!!!!

FreeNHappy's picture

Okay, based on my personal experience, you need to have a serious talk with your husband about EXACTLY what boundaries he will be setting with his ex. This is a tricky situation because it sounds like the BM is super manipulative and immature and your DH probably has quite the guilt factor thing happening. BUT, this is only going to work if you and your DH agree on basic rules about contact with his ex. It is his responsibility to deal with the mess he created by having a child with the BM, but you are involved as well and as his WIFE, you have a massive say in what happens and your comfort and security are equally important as his and his child. He needs to man up and put you AND his child first and BM last. If you come second now, you will always come second and your marriage will fail eventually. He doesn't have to put his kids second, but it is possible for him to respect both your feelings and do the right thing for his kid and place equal importance on both his marriage and his parenting.

If he tells you that he "will handle it" that's just simply not good enough. You need specifics and clear boundaries and you absolutely have a say in EVERY decision he makes that affect you. In my marriage, I started out keeping my mouth shut and letting him deal with what I considered to be his problem, but I didn't realize that every decision he made (emotional, financial, schedule-wise etc...) about his kids and ex would directly and seriously affect me and as a result, I became incredibly angry, resentful and frustrated with not being consulted, not having a say and him not listening to my feelings and ideas. Marriage is abut love, respect and compromise and as a step-parent you are already compromising much of your life and as long as you make some concessions (within reason) it is only fair to expect him to do the same. My ex-H refused to compromise on many important points and with the loss of that, I eventually lost all my respect for him as a man and as a father. The love went out the window soon after that and I finally left him (best decision of my life!!!) and am now extremely happy being the captainess of my own life. I am engaged and fully ready to share my life with my future husband, but this second time around, I understand the need for MUTUAL respect and compromise. When your spouse refuses to compromise, listen to you and take your feelings into account AND you lose respect for them (I did because my ex-DH had no spine and acted like a wishy washy little silverfish when it came to the crazy whims of the BM...I pretty much came in third after his kids and her...NOT OKAY!). I just lost my love for him and realize now that it's near to impossible to keep the love alive with someone that doesn't make you a priority, respect you, listen to you and is unable or unwilling to compromise. It's really, really hard to be the dad in this situation, but life is tough and when he had sex with his ex, he was making the choice to risk becoming a parent and that is something that HE has to take responsibility for. This kind of situation tests a man and shows if he has a spine, courage and respects and loves his wife or not. I hope your husband does the right thing and is able to figure out a way to work with you, deal with his ex and be a great dad to his kid! Good luck and hang in there!

stormabruin's picture

I'm in too. I'd put money on this getting a whole lot messier before it gets better...if it does.

Mary Read's picture

Run. This will be nothing but problems for you. Just read some of the postings on this site. These situations are rarely, if ever, positive. They are almost always painful. You should have left well enough alone. It sounded like you had a good thing you got a BM to contend with. They are NEVER fun. Sad

s varela's picture

I am praying that this is one of those rare outcomes... Honest to God I was only thinrking this would be a the best thing .i knew there would be a lot of mix Ed feelings. This can be a good thing for everyone. Ifb everyone has the best of this little girl but I def understand the resentment. I hop hope in the near future this will calm down. Who knows... only God
I also have dealt with my kids father not being there then coming back but I guess women handle things dig differenly but I guess I get what I asked for he prob could have found them if he knew computers and there is no excuses for him leaving and not helping support people do change and that I guess is what I was hoping for cause he did warn me she theex was psycho but hmm did she have a reason to be and did I over step my boundaries

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

Get the hell outta dodge girl! This is going to be all kinds of wrong for you and nothing but problems! You were doing a nice thing, I understand this but you opened up an old can of worms that need the lid put back on.

Disneyfan's picture

Why wouldvhe sleep with a teen???? What kind of parents did the BM have? Every man I know will beat the heck out of any MAN crazy enough to touch their girls.

s varela's picture

From what I get out of it her parents were nor doing any thing good for them selves so they were not to worried about her personally this would never happen with my daughter... And I totally agree she was to young did I mention she has three more kids...i am going to trust in my husband and the man above only time will tell and I do appreciate all the feed back

Most Evil's picture

I think it is weird 'she' says she can't talk, only text?? You could be talking to anyone, who may be just trying to mess with you??!!

herewegoagain's picture

Devil's advocate...16 and 23? Could he have disappeared because mom was 16 and 16yr old's parents threatened to put him in jail? Did you do it out of the goodness of your heart? I believe so. Is this going to go well? I don't think so. If crazy mother who is now 25 is already trying to "get her ex back", ie. your DH...and she seems a bit crazy, what happens if they now have your address and when he tries to ONLY be there for his daughter the crazy woman decides that she'll press charges herself because he was 23? I am really concerned for both you and your DH...and honestly, although you did it with the best intentions, and I hope things go well, in such a short time it seems that things are not well and thus, odds are, they will not get better...sigh

I am sorry to be so negative, but I think you need to watch your back, I would back off, I would take off honestly...I would NOT be allowing my DH to give kid our address or any info which could track him down...sigh

PS - obviously you are here because you have not dealt with crazy BMs before as this is your first encounter...although I know you "believe" that he'll send her a few bucks of much deserved CS, you have NO IDEA what the courts have waiting for him if the crazy presses for won't be "how nice that he is now taking care of it, it WILL owe THOUSANDS for not paying before and we want the money NOW!" Plus at least 10 more years of crap...

Rags's picture

I have to separate my response in to two sections due to the extreme similarity between my wife of nearly 18yrs and the BM of your SD.

My wife was the victim of statutory rape by a 22yr old when she was 16. My SS-19 is the product of that unfortunate and criminal relationship. So, your DH was 23 and the BM was 16. Your DH should still be in prison or at the very least on the Sexual Preditor list for life never allowed to be near any child including his own.

I absolutely detest my son's BioDad but even he has maintained a relationship with the kid and has at least insured that SpermGrandMa paid the CS for my SS. Your DH is not only a statutory rapist he is a deadbeat. Double fatal character flaws IMHO.

Okay, now for the second part. At your urging and following your initiative your DH is now, finally, doing the right thing. This speaks extremely highly to your character. If your DH is to redeem himself and have any chance of being the huband that you deserve and at least the provider (he is far from a father) to the statutory rape victims daughter then he is going to have to never miss another CS payment for any reason, to go above and beyond for this little girl for the rest of his life.

Personally I think he should be in prison rather than be in a place where he can ever break this little girls heart, his victims heart, or your heart again.

Just my thoughts and opinion of course.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

She can't go back and press charges. Atleast not in my state. If nothing, no legal action was taken after 7 yrs, then he cannot be persued about it now. Esp if it was consensual then. Plus even if he was charged now with the crime, 9yrs ago the charges would have been a lot less hash than what they are now and he would get a slap on the wrist. Probably fines, probation and worse case, have to list as a sex offender. Like I said, that's my state tho. I would def be doing some research on what could happen if psycho BM did try to pull this...

Disneyfan's picture

Why is BM the psycho?

This ADULT had sex and a child with a minor. Then the adult walked away from his child.

Had it not been for OP pushing, he would have been happy to continue playing daddy to her kids while doing NOTHING for his own.

s varela's picture

I have read all the comments posted!!!Hmm mixed emotions on all....I want to make it clear that I do not agree with a 23 yr old and a 16 yr old...Its was both their decision and agreed upon. Still not saying it was oka!.He paid bills for her and her mom because they were gonna be homeless from what the ex and he says, so maybe thats why it was okay for the parent.He is going to pay support from here on and hopefully is allowed to bond with his little girl. Mine and my husband communication is really good and we have disgussed everything that has happened is happening and things that will happen so we are both on the same page. I say this ex is crazy because its like she thinks I got in contact to reconnect my husband with her so they can get back together. I'm not his friend his sister I'm HIS WIFE. The word I should have used is disrespectful. I really do understand the anger coming from her but she also explains how their little girl seems to be okay with him reconnecting with her so personallyI think she should not be so hostile if she is thinking and in the best interest of the little girl.....maybe that is just how I would do things. Yeah it easier said then done but I have dealt with my kids father and all the hatered I have felt but I let go and let God because me acting on my feelings were not helping my kids and was not in their best interest....know what I'm saying. I just expected respect. But I do got to say I am so proud of my husband for he has taken controll talked serious and seems to have a good plan that is in the best interest of his little girl. I hope the ex will noticed this is a changed man and he is gonna be there if she lets him. Ppl do change I 100% don't agree with what he did to her and his little girl. I also 100% believe he feels remorse for what he has done and he will try his hardest to redeem hisself and prob. for the rest of his life.