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Vent - Worthless BMs of SO and his Brother

Rumplestiltskin's picture

SO has 50/50 with BM for his youngest 2, who are still minors. SS16 has only spent a few nights with BM in the 2.5 years i've been around. SO has been paying her child support $1k per month and has been trying to get it reduced, but BM keeps employing stall tactics.

SS 10 is with SO for SO's week, but on BMs week, he gets off the bus at SO's house and stays a few hours. BM would not stick to a schedule, showing up anywhere from 4:30 to 11, and sometimes not at all. Due to this, SO now has his brother pick up SS10 from SO's house around 5 and BM picks SS up at SO's brother's house. He thinks she is more likely to not take advantage of his brother by showing up very late. 

Due to this, SO has his brother's 8-year-old at his house on school breaks since this August. SO's brother is still married but his wife does very little child care, unsure why. She is friends with BM. So, next week, SO is working nights for 12 hours 7 days straight. BM told him yesterday that she can't watch SS10 even though it's her week. She wanted SS 16 to come to her house during the day to watch SS10. Only problem is, SO committed SS16 to watch his nephew (8) at his house. So, even though BM and nephew's mom are friends, and SS stays at SO's brother's house for several hours on each of BM's days, BM won't allow all the kids to be kept at her house, and the brother and his wife don't want them all there either. They will all be spending next week at SO's house while he sleeps during the day because he is working all night.

When i asked SO why he always seems to be responsible for BM's daycare, he admitted it is in the divorce agreement that he has 50/50, pays CS, and is responsible for all daycare, even on BM's time, until both kids are 18. They divorced when SS10 was a newborn. She only works part time but she says she has to be available every day until 6 pm in case she is called in, so she makes sure that he or someone in his family is responsible for her kids M-F until 6 pm. I think it's just to squeeze all she can out of SO and make his life difficult, while also having freedom. He does not want to send him to daycare, hence the elaborate juggling act.

My issues are 2: First, i don't understand why he doesn't just pay for daycare. He has plenty of money, he always taks about how much extra he has. It would make things so much easier, even if it was only on BM's time that it was used. Second, i have decided that if he asks me to babysit the kids at my house so he can sleep, i will say no. Next week is a long-planned week off to work on some things around the house. I'm not using it to be BM and his brother/SIL's babysitter.

Both BM and the SIL had kids that they show almost no interest in, and SO, his brother, or some of their other family are constantly watching their kids. SO and both of his brothers have 10 kids and 6 BMs between them and they are constantly stressed about who will take care of them. SO started asking me probing questions last night, like "So, you're off next week? What will you be doing?" I told him i actually have a lot of things planned to do. 

Anyway, if anyone made it this far, this blog is mostly just a vent and a way to put my thoughts and my decision down in writing, and hold myself accountable. I will not be BM's babysitter so SO can get out of paying for daycare and so BM and SIL can chill next week in their quiet houses. I will not move in with him until his childcare situation is less of a clusterfk. I did stay there last night to watch the kids and i got SS10 up and on the bus this morning, since it was SO's day and he had work. I often do child care on SO's custody  time but i will not be BM's on-demand sitter, and i sure as hell won't be his brother's wife's sitter. 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Have you asked him why he doesn't just do daycare? Also, that whole custody agreement can be changed, and should be if BM isn't holding up her part of the bargain. $1000/mo for 1 kid she see less than 14 days a month?!?! Wow...

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I've gotten differing answers about daycare. They include a) they tried that and SS got kicked out, b) they tried that and he kept getting phone calls that BM hadn't picked him up by closing time, c) he doesn't want his child in daycare when he could be spending time with him, and d) he doesn't want to pay anymore toward BM.

It would be one thing if when SO kept him, he was spending time with him, but even when he is off work, he is usually in his room while SS plays video games. And the money thing, to me, would be well spent to not have to constantly worry what BM is going to decide to do. I had my kids in daycare and it was a more positive experience than sitting at home in front of a screen would be. The daycare lady was an older lady who lived alone and kept about 10 kids, and ended up being a sort of surrogate grandma. They had toys and did things like watergun fights and Easter egg hunts. There are places in the area where you only pay for before/after school care and holidays.

Idk. SO didn't sleep well today due to the noise of 3 boys running around. I'm about to go meet some old friends for dinner. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Update: BM called him late last night while he was at work. She changed her mind and will take SS10 next week. But only him, so the older son and nephew are still staying at his house. I'm still not babysitting. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Also, i got sort of pissed that she waited until 11:30 pm on a Friday night to call him. I asked what kind of woman calls her ex that late other than for an emergency? He got upset, telling me i'm "putting obstacles in his way" when it comes to caring for his children. Fk it. If he wants to talk to BM all day and all night until New Years, allowing her to change their plans each time, they can have at it. He says i'm the problem and i'm giving him "obstacles". I call them boundaries. He didn't have any with her when i came along and i've had to fight for each one. I'm sick of acting like his warden. Thank God i still have my house.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Update - so, SO has had his son(16) watch his nephew(8) the past 2 days. Today, i was going hiking with my daughter at a local park so i figured i would ask the boys to join. i got everyone lunch then we hiked for about 3 hours, everyone had fun. When we got back, my daughter and i had to do some last minute shopping so we told the boys they needed to stay at SO's house.

When we got back from shopping, SS16's car was in the driveway. Apparently SO sent them to my house for being too loud (he was sleeping because he works nights.) SO also fussed at me because SS16 had a doctor appt yesterday that i said about a week ago that i didn't mind taking him to. Well, it's been over a week and i forgot. SO got a call today about the missed appt (but aparently no reminder call the day before.) I apologized and SO was like "didn't you put it in your calendar?" I said "why wasn't it in yours? You forgot too!" 

I also told him don't send the kids to my house without asking again. He was like "it seems like you have trouble tolerating Timmy (nephew8)." I said "yeah, just like you apparently did when you sent him over. He's a sweet kid but he's a handful and i had him half the day already. The fact that i took him to the park today wasn't consent to keep him the rest of the week."

SO's two daughters (20s) are coming tomorrow and he was talking about not knowing where they will sleep, and not knowing if he will be able to sleep for work with a full house. I did not offer my house, though i could tell he was fishing for me to. He likes to make obligations and then try to get others to cover them. Not me, not this time.