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The Trade Off

Rumplestiltskin's picture

My SO has finally solved the problem of BM coming to his house every day. SS10 gets on and off the bus from SO's house, even on BM's days. In the past, she would pick him up every day after school. The problem was, she could not keep a schedule, and she would pick him up anywhere from 4-11, and sometimes she would not show up at all. She also would walk in the house, using the kitchen, getting into drawers, etc.

SO came up with a solution - his brother has a son, 8, who goes to the same school. SS10 and nephew8 get off the bus at SO's house, the brother picks them up, and BM picks up SS from the brother's house. SO is like "look what i did for you!", because he knows BM's coming and going was unsettling to me. He's hoping now that we can move in together.

I don't want to seem ungrateful, but i feel like things are still not great. See, the trade-off is that SO is now responsible for keeping nephew8 on all weekends and school holidays, including during the day all summer. He is a good kid, but is a rambunctious 8-year-old, and SO can't provide this care because of his work schedule. SS17 does most of it, but more often than not, they end up at my house (down the street), and i know if we move in together, it will be me who is the only adult at home.

This is not better! This does not make me want to move in! What in God's name is wrong with aftercare/daycare?! That's what i did for my kids. I'm just feeling defeated. 

Comments

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah. Next week is a school holiday and SO is working. I asked, "So, is nephew8 going to be at your house the whole time?" He was like "Yeah, why?" Does he not see that he just added another child to be responsible for? SS17 will be going away to college more than likely. SO sleeps all day to work nights, so that will leave me in the house, not even the bedroom to retreat to, all day on my days off, if i live there. SO has no problem with him being there while he sleeps because he just locks the door and sleeps, oblivious. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, i am. I know it. SO wants to take the next step, and i feel guilty because he has made changes. Specifically, no more Bm in the house and the bedroom a kid-free space. But now adding an 8-year-old! What in the actual hell?! 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Instead of working 5 days, i do 3 long days where i'm gone about 13 hours. This is so i can have more days at home. With the nephew to be responsible for and, with that, now SO's brother comes in and out, and SO sleeping in the bedroom (the one place i have fought long and hard to be kid-free!), i can't picture home being a place i would want to be if i lived with him. 

tog redux's picture

Wait - I missed something, what happened with the ex parte order and her taking him out of school?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

So much has happened. They had a hearing and SS17 brought up allegations of abuse (beating him with electronics, force feeding until he threw up then making him eat again, making him take ice cold ahowers). The judge ruled that SS17 and BM need to go to therapy and have the therapist decide if he or she thinks SS can go back to 50/50 with BM. SS10 is back to 50/50, and they are back to their home schools. This is all temporary pending another hearing in a few months and SO's CS is unchanged, he is still paying her for SS17. In the meantime, my mother died so i have been depressed with that. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Also, SS17 has been staying at my house on the days SO works because BM drives by waiting to take pics of him being "unsupervised." At 17. 

tog redux's picture

So sorry about your mom. Sad

I'm glad SS spoke up and they saw through BM's power play. I think you should post a blog about it! I can't be the only one wondering. If you are up to it. 

Peach's picture

He didn't do this for you - lord almighty!  The thing that stands out to me is that he created a workaround that keeps BM from coming to his house rather than addressing the real issue.  She has no business ever coming into the house and going through drawers and making herself at home.  He needs to create boundaries not workarounds.  If he cannot stand up to her, then I would not move in with him if I were you.  Using the kitchen?  WTH?  Was she making a meal? lol

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This chick is not normal. The things she does are so bizarre. At one point, SO wasn't setting any limits so instead of cooking in her own kitchen, she would cook the kids (and sometimes SO and sometimes his parents) supper at his house when she picked them up on "her" days. Sometimes she would take the kids home, but more often than not, she would then just leave. It depended on whether or not she felt like "parenting", and she got to decide day by day.

Sometimes on her weekends she would change her mind multiple times about whether or not she would take them, coming back and forth up to 4 times per day. Take them for an hour, bring them back. Pick them up again for a few hours, bring them back. On the same day. She used his house as her "home base" for the kids because he let them all know his door was always open to his kids. She never had to follow the CO and he ended up keeping both of them 90% of the nights. For all her talk now about them being unsupervised, she would drop them off at midnight on a Saturday on "her" weekend, while he was at work, the house was empty, and she wouldn't even let him know.

All while getting $1000 per month in CS. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

She doesn't. He just leaves the doors unlocked because his son comes in off the bus and also he keeps his nephew now. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

So last night i just came out and told SO that i don't want his nephew at my house all next week. I don't want him there without me on the days that i work and i don't want him with me on my days off. He was like "But he won't be there, he will be here (SO's house.)

The problem is, if SS17 is supposed to be watching him and SS17 has to stay at my house because of BM's spying, nephew will be at my house. SO said, he will just have his brother drop nephew off at SO's house while he sleeps. Well, last time this happened, nephew, still in his pajamas at noon and not having been fed, just walked to my house.

SO is fine just having his brother park the kid at his house and leaving him to fend for himself while SO sleeps. It's not right to leave him there but i don't want to take responsibility for babysitting an 8-year-old every weekend, school holiday, and summer. SO just doesn't get it. I guess men feel like they are "helping" just by keeping a kid alive. I see it as substandard conditions, and if i live with him i will be responsible for his care. Even not living with him, if the kid walks over to my house, SO is sleeping, it puts me in a bad situation. I'm just so over it. 

simifan's picture

SS can stay at SO's. If mom takes pictures so be it. Or just maybe he could grab his balls out of her purse and no tresspass her. SO is responsible for nephew & SS10 not you. Time for a come to Jesus talk with SO. Tell him what a turn off it is that he p@ssyfooted around BM instead of standing up to her and placing boundaries at his home. He cannot make arrangements for you. Do not let him. If the SS's come to your home, do not answer your door. 

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I told him that today. Apparently, SS17 does have to stay the night at my house, as SO works nights and the judge said that if he will be unsupervised he needs to sleep at BM's. But, i do not agree to babysit the nephew, ever. I told him we just set some (albeit cowardly) boundaries with BM, but now we are expected to be his brother's beck-and-call babysitter? That is almost as unpleasant as dealing with BM. I won't do it.

And i also told him that i don't mind helping with SS10 sometimes, but to be honest, he is exhausting due to his behavior issues. He is a boundary-pusher. He has been violent in the past and has also made false CPS allegations, and i am not comfortable being his primary caregiver for long periods of time either, or really any time being one on one with him due to the allegations. Just this morning when SO woke him up for school, it was a scream-fest.

He asked me today if his life is too much. I answered yes, but why not take steps to make it livable. I've never even mentioned on here the issues with SD21 with a different BM, but she has severe emotional problems and has burned her bridges with everyone who will house her. SO can't house her due to his issues with BM2 (she put in the court papers that SD21 has a drug problem and is unsafe to be around the boys.) But, still, it's a lot. His life is extremely unstable already and taking on this nephew is where i get off the train.