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Update: So I left

RoundIGo's picture

On January 4th, the day his kids were coming for "winter break," even though his daughter dropped out of community College... I left to my mom's. Then the storms hit California bad, and we were texting here and there, we split our finances and I walked away with half, which would allow me to move forward properly. Thousands in the bank, at mom's,  very satisfied and semi relieved to be out of steplife. It was an up and down rollercoaster, dh works from home and we've almost quite literally been together every day for 9 years. Some was not easy. 12 days pass and he claims his anxiety is through the roof, he hasn't been working due to being so ill and he desperately wants me to come home. I told him we must go to counseling for blended family issues specifically and that we are splitting finances from here on out for good. He agreed and we are also attending a Christian seminar for marriage in orange county next month. So I went home last week and the kids came this weekend and quite honestly was NOT triggered at all because half the battle is the divided loyalties and I felt for once in a long time my relationship was more important than pleasing his kids. I don't think the rose colored glasses fell off, but he was desperate and making effort. So here I am, back in steplife. We shall see because we both agree this is our last chance... the hail mary.

Comments

Harry's picture

After all this time he can not understand what the problem is?  Or he doesn't want to work on the problem? 
seminar for marriage normal don't work in step marriages.
No one who do not live  the step life ,,truly doesn't understand a step life. And all the exter problems that never existed in a non step relationship.  How the picture of the ex makes your stomach turn.  how your SO must take to the ex. """ for the kids""". Three times a day   How you do nice things for the SK and they tell go f yourself .  On and on

TheAccidentalSM's picture

As Harry says they don't get step families.  You'll get told to submit to your husband as he is head of the house.  Nice for him but it will make you miserable.

CLove's picture

Now that you are moving forward with clarity, you are coming from a position of strength, keep your boundaries firm.

I understand that you truly love this man, and that you want to give your relationship every chance possible.

Keep in mind that he is at the point that he will say anything and do anything to get you back in and keep you there. Watch and dont allow any backsliding. Keep yourself going forward.

Christian marriage counseling. Its kind of hard to gauge, because Ive been to some churches that establish that God first, spouse second then all the rest. Then there is the wife subjugating herself to the husband aspect (some).

But ultimately, marriage counseling for steplife is much different with many different nuances that vary from a "normal" marriage. When there are children from a different relationship, that is a game changer, that is where you need the help.

CajunMom's picture

Tread carefully. I speak from experience. Christianity if my faith; I've attended Christian counseling AND Christian marriage seminars. These seminars rarely address Step dynamics and NEVER the high conflict world we see on this board. I'm not saying you will not benefit from the seminar...you will...but don't get your hopes up on step issues being addressed. The church is slowly moving into this area (and it's where I'll be working within my church...with SMS in HC situations) - but again, just as it's hard to find therapists who KNOW StepHell, it's the same in the church still. So, take what you learn and then start researching for a therapist in your area that specializes in Blended family issues. I'd also suggest some reading. Dr. Amy J.L. Baker is a top psychologist/author specializing in the HC Step World. Another great book is StepMonster.

 

The point I'm trying to make: ONE thing is not going to be the cure all. The seminar will give you some great basics of marriage relations (and no, complete submission is not something taught these days, wrongly taught for many years to begin with; if that is the foundation of the seminar, then leave). You are going to need to add a specialized therapist and again, some reading. And the last and most important...a united effort between you and your DH to save your marriage as a team. I wish you the best.

EDIT: I'd also suggest you keep your finances separate for a long while. Nothing is certain, especially in StepHell. Bottom line, keep you first until you can see significant change in your spouse and the situations you face.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Unlike other posters, I've had a good experience with Christian counseling. They do not ALL automatically tell you to submit to your husband or to endure bad behavior. The therapists I've seen elevate the marriage above any children. The couple is the primary unit of the family. I guess it depends on what kind of church you attend. But, I wouldn't automatically exclude Christian counselors.

CajunMom's picture

I hope my comment didn't make me seem like Christian counseling has zero beneift. My DH and I have greatly benefitted from what we learned in the seminars we attended and our counselors have always been Christian based (although I also have leaned on secular counseling also). I will say this...my current counselor (Christian) is very aware of StepHell, having some of her own issues to deal with, so that makes her advice/techniques really well thought out and some experience. And she's NEVER told me to "submit to my man"...LOL. 

But from my own journey, I know it's not enough, especially with OPs position of this being the last chance for them to reconcile. Its a journey of educating one's self, learning new strategies and luckily for us here, finding a board where we can get so much good advice and information. 

Rags's picture

Nothing has changed. He is playing the 'poor depressed STBX' crap as a manipulation.

You took the hard step.  Stay the course for your new life adventure leaving him and them behind you. A failed family is not a foundation to build a life parthership on if the partner you choose is a primary cause of the prior family failure.  

At best, they are 50% responsible.  Not a sound investment decison for the rest of YOUR life.

IMHO.

Good luck.

RoundIGo's picture

I told him this was the last thing. That we would make it one month, and if this seminar is bogus, all we lost was a month. But no, nothing changed. The kids were here this weekend and asked to stay another night, and he said yes. Triggered to high heaven, but I keep thinking just one month. No I have little hope but one more month. 

simifan's picture

As soon as the decision to stay was made without your input you should have went back to moms. He is asking for a another chance - you do not have to give him one. If he blows it, you do not have to stay the entire month. 

ndc's picture

Was the fact that he made a decision that affected you without consulting you brought up to him immediately? Doesn't sound like this guy is really interested in change. You don't owe him a full month if he's not doing his part. 

advice.only2's picture

I guess my question is what is your time worth to you at this point?  I know for me once I’m done I’m done, no last Hail Mary’s or “just give me one month to figure it out.”  Statistics shows it takes at least six weeks to create and set a new habit…he won’t even be able to show true growth for at least two months.  Marriage counseling it great…if he’s doing it to truly grow and help keep your relationship nurtured…which he should have been doing all along, not at the last possible second just to keep you shackled to him.  I think I’m just cynical at this point, if he truly loved you and wanted that partnership with you he would have nurtured it from the get go and made it a priority.