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SD17 Ran Away Today

Roselin's picture

Ugh. The drama never ends around here. After six months of separation and counseling, DH and I finally decided to move back in together. (I highly recommend Imago Therapy - it really helped us communicate and quit treating one another as the enemy). In what appears to be retaliation, my SD (who I raised for 8 years before our separation) ran away. She vowed to never speak to me again and said she would rather starve than come upstairs to my kitchen and get food. He told her she could go to the food bank. When DH found out about her lying and her use of alcohol (including driving after drinking - which lost her the use of our car), drugs, and sex (I'm sure rock and roll is in there somewhere), he really imposed the rules. It is, of course, my fault. I have had no decision making role in this kid's life in 6 months and it is still my fault. Seems so unfair, which I guess is the definition of stepparent, noun, a man or woman who will nearly kill themselves trying to help another person's child and will assume the role of scapegoat and the bad guy for the entire time they are in the child's life; a no win unfair parental role. Yikes. Who would apply for a job with that description? You know, there was a pre-teen and early teen time when I thought we had a pretty darn good relationship. But now that SD can't drink, smoke pot, have sex with her boyfriend and party while her previous straight As turn to Cs... she is absolutely out of control. Oh well - another chapter in the ongoing saga of life with an entitled child. Thanks for letting me rant!

Comments

Sita Tara's picture

To the day when my SD figures out she can threaten to or go through with running away. I'm sure it's right around the corner.

She has taken to cutting herself, does it solely at BM's but told BM it's because SD hates ME. Guess who was the parent SD told about the cutting when the guidance counselor at school told her she had to tell a parent?

ME.

She tests the waters on the parent who listens without yelling.

Her shrink often tells me that SD doesn't really hate me, but has flipped from hating BM so I'm the polar opposite of that equation. SD idolized me for the first three years, so since I'm the stable one with expectations of behavior, SD has decided BM gets the idolization card the next couple years. Right through adolescence.

I would think that personality and bipolar disorders are over diagnosed and not buy that she has one, if she wasn't an exact duplicate of BM in how she views the world as spinning around her own axis.

I'm with you Roselin. These kids are entitled.

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

Roselin's picture

is a powerful thing isn't it? The whole cutting phenomenon is amazing to me. A friend's daughter tried it because all her friends said it helped ease their pain - but she said all it did was hurt. Good for her.

I feel for you. I don't know how much longer we have to put up with this - she is 18 in about 7 months, but long from finishing high school at that point. What happens to these kids at 17???

Thanks for your support!

Sita Tara's picture

"What happens to these kids at 17???"

Mine's only 13. WHAT happens at 17????

Wink

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

Roselin's picture

...they are growing up, the more entitled they feel when they hit 17. I'm honestly starting to think she is a sociopath - nothing she does is wrong, she is just sorry she got caught. We keep finding out more everyday and, I'm sorry, serious abuse of drugs and alcohol is not a normal teenager behavior. The counselor says this is all a symptom of lack of self esteem - usually brought on by high parental and/or friend expectations. I guess when you get in with the druggies - there's no friend expectations!

gertrude's picture

A counselor says that a cause of low self esteem is high parental or friends expectations? Does this mean that the counselor is saying that a parent that has high expectations can cause low self esteem in a child?

I am asking this because my SD definitely has low self-esteem, but this is in NO WAY caused by high parental unit expecations. Believe me - they accept and support every excuse she ever gave. The other day she couldn't do the dishes because she was watching the baby (who was ASLEEP IN HER CRIB!!!). (And DH is the one who told me that!!!)When I say I expect more, I am being the ogre. I would like to know, because this will most assuredly be their next set of ammunition! And what is the counter to it? To expect them to be lazy slugs that feed off you until you die? (oops. I think I am grumpy!) But really - this concerns me, do these counselors really say this?

Sita Tara's picture

Read that article. You will thoroughly enjoy it. I came across it in my web searches a few months back and posted it on here.

Basically it's a new movement in psychology that kids who are not allowed to experience disappointments feel invincible to consequences. AND that breaking the rules, social conventions, laws, is a sign that a person has an INFLATED sense of self worth, ie they deserve special treatment and are entitled to anything they want, not deflated self esteem.

It's a good read.

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

Sita Tara's picture

The psychobabble of self-esteem
Occasionally a new piece of research demolishes a myth with one fell blow. It does not happen often (social research tends to run along familiar tracks), but once in a while an iconoclastic study changes ideas. No one reading Self-Esteem - The Costs and Causes of Low Self-Worth by Professor Nicholas Emler of the LSE, should feel quite at ease again using a modern piece of psychobabble that has infused the language of sociology, criminology and education without real scrutiny until now.

The accepted view has been that self-esteem - or the lack of it - lies at the root of almost every disorder from delinquency and drug abuse to violence and child abuse. One standard text after another takes this as a given fact without any scientific evidence, repeated as gospel from right to left, from Melanie Phillips to Oprah Winfrey. More than 2,000 books currently in print offer self-help prescriptions for raising self-esteem. A vast array of expensive social programmes in Europe and the US designed to solve drug dependency or delinquency are based on attempts to raise self-esteem. Some have tried to raise the self-esteem of whole schools or even an entire citizenry, describing self-esteem as a "social vaccine" against anti-social behaviour.

Low self-esteem is the zeitgeist social disease. It has many useful attributes: it elevates self-love and sanctifies self-satisfaction. It justifies the introspection of the therapy addict. It excuses bad behaviour, turning perpetrator into victim. For teachers, it makes dealing with bullying, arrogant and disruptive pupils almost impossible, if beneath the insufferable exterior there is supposed to be a whimpering, self-loathing child in need of affirmation and praise.

Professor Emler turns all this on its head. Scrutinising all the available research on both sides of the Atlantic, he finds no evidence that low self-esteem causes anti-social behaviour. Quite the reverse. Those who think highly of themselves are the ones most prone to violence and most likely to take risks, believing themselves invulnerable. They are more likely to commit crimes, drive dangerously, risk their health with drugs and alcohol. Exceptionally low self-esteem is indeed damaging - but only to the victim, not to anyone else. Those with low self-esteem are more likely to commit suicide, to be depressed, to become victims of bullying, domestic violence, loneliness and social ostracism.

There ought to be a collective sigh of relief among many professionals on reading this eye-opening work. It is one of those moments when the blindingly obvious suddenly emerges from a fog of unquestioned nonsense. Teachers, social workers and probation officers do not have to massage the already inflated egos of bullies with unwarranted praise. Asserting his own superiority over his classmates, over-confident of abilities he does not have, it will do no harm to try to bring him down a peg.

Emler looks at the relation between self-esteem and academic success. Does competition in school cause damaging failure? Most surprisingly he concludes that academic success or failure has very little impact on pupils' self-esteem. High self-esteem pupils will explain away failure to suit their previous high opinions of themselves: they make excuses that they were unlucky, suffered some bias or that they didn't try. Odder still, those with low self-esteem will not be buoyed up by academic success either. Sadly, they will regard it as a fluke and continue with their previous low estimation of their abilities. He concludes that it is exceedingly difficult to shift people's pre-existing view of themselves, even with tangible success. Nor is self- esteem any predictor of how well or badly someone will do academically. Even if confidence boosting worked (which he doubts) it would have no effect on exam results.

So where does self-esteem come from? Looking at studies of twins, Emler concludes that genetic predisposition has the single strongest effect. Less surprisingly, after that it is parental attitudes. If they love, reinforce, praise and respect a young child, the effect lasts for life. Physical and above all sexual abuse of children is devastatingly and permanently damaging to self-esteem.

Beyond these early influences, everything else that might be done to increase/ decrease self-esteem has virtually no effect. (This is bad news for the therapy business.) An interesting example: it was assumed that to belong to an outcast ethnic minority would harm self-esteem, but Emler finds it has no effect. People draw self-esteem from the good opinions of their own group and reject abuse from outsiders as the fault of others, not their own.

Men have slightly more self-esteem than women. Low self-esteem in young women does increase the risk of teenage pregnancy, while low self-esteem in boys increases the risk of unemployment later in life. Anxiety about appearance does undermine women's self-esteem. But Emler's more curious finding is that there is very little correlation between how people think they look and how they actually look: their perceptions about their appearance are shaped by their level of self-esteem. Altogether Emler finds people have profoundly unrealistic views of how others see them, both negative and positive. How we think we are perceived is shaped by self-esteem.

His conclusion is that all the myriad programmes designed to cure anti-social behaviour by raising self-esteem are wasting their time. Better by far to concentrate on the particular drug or crime problem and not on an imagined self-esteem deficit: self-esteem enhancing programmes he describes as "snake-oil remedies".

This research deserves to cause a stir. It was always a kindly liberal notion that inside the anti-social bully was a timorous, tender soul waiting to be released. Emler is not suggesting that the violent are not damaged or might not be cured, but he has conclusively dismissed the intellectually woolly concept that lack of "self-esteem" is the root of all evil.

· Self-Esteem by Professor Nicholas Emler (Joseph Rowntree Foundation).

p.toynbee@guardian.co.uk

By Guardian Unlimited © Copyright Guardian Newspapers 2008
Published: 12/28/2001

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

Roselin's picture

Thanks Zenmom for that article. I know my SD is really trying to present herself as a victim. She has never shown any real signs of low self esteem - so the article makes a lot of sense. She thinks she is entitled to have and do whatever she wants. I will definitely print this out and show it around.

gertrude's picture

this is great information. I think I am going to grab the book. One thing I have heard from my in-laws, who are generally helpful and supportive, is that my SD has really low self-esteem. Thank you!

Sita Tara's picture

Let me know how the book is!

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

ColorMeGone2's picture

And if not, is there any chance she'll stay away until she turns 18?! Wink

♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Roselin's picture

Thanks for the injection of a little humor. I could use a smile.

Most Evil's picture

Can you notify police she is missing? Have you tried calling friends to see where she might be? I think teens may literally go a leetle crazy sometimes . . . but hopefully she is ok, she needs to at least let you know that-!

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

Roselin's picture

from the start. She is staying with her partner in crime, whose mother thinks her little drug and alcohol abusing daughter is an absolute angel - despite the fact the two have gotten into trouble together a half dozen time. SDs mild mannered father (DH) yelled at her for the first time in her 17 years and she is now spinning that she is too scared of him to come home. Her mom is driving her to her home a state away and we'll figure out what happens next. This kid has so much promise and to think she'll throw it all away so she can party with her friends. Eeeekkkkk!!!!!

Most Evil's picture

There was a lot of this when I was growing up, maybe you too, and I do think low self esteem was a factor, but not because of anyone's expectations. Party people simply accept anyone who will party with them and contribute to the party, so it is kind of a lazy way to make friends!

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus