Armageddon Crackers & Bozocratic Warfare
This Libra is having a hard time with balance. I can pick out problems in my former relationship with Bozo readily enough, but actively focusing and working on solutions for me has been more difficult this week.
The constant shape shifting of Bozo puzzles me endlessly. Last night I spent some time studying and reviewing what it is to be raised from childhood in the Jehovah's Witness cult, as was the case for Bozo. In his early adulthood, Bozo's family either became "walkaway believers" or were shunned and disfellowshipped. Still believers today, they just don't do the ritual witnessing or attend meetings at the Kingdom Hall. They make pretense of functioning in the world of "outsiders," but at the end of the day, anyone who is not or has never been a believer is an evil "outsider." JW's live in self-induced schizophrenia, especially for those who were raised with no basis of comparison; and punished severely or threatened with ostracization for considering any.
I know there's at least one person on ST who will probably key right into what I'm talking about. The whole dysfunctional dynamic is too overwhelming for me to sort through and understand presently. Do I need to understand or intimately dissect it in detail? Or just know that it's very fracturing and destructive and run away fast?
What I know is that I did let myself fall victim to a cult, albeit indirectly, and was in a losing situation from the git-go. I'm weak and drained. The nightmare I've been living is still too close to me (literally and figuratively). CoDA meetings are so far away that I have to time my whole day and other chores around traveling to and from them. Worth it for sure, but I've not had the strength or energy to schedule properly this week. Wanting to work through Melody Beattie's "Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps," but drat, not available electronically. Have a pressing errand to run in a town that I think has a Barnes & Noble nearby, so that's my "step" for today.
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Hell, just a step into the
Hell, just a step into the shower is a small one for me and probably a much greater one for humankind. }:)
It's so isolated out here and everyone knows Bozo. Not so many know me. That's probably a blessing considering the operational level of the average local yokel, but still lonely for me right now.
Bozocratic warfare: The JW's practice "theocratic war strategy." Basically, it's ok for them to lie, or not tell the whole truth to "opposers." In Bozocratic's warfare, he did a little of both this last round. He may have had right to 30 days' notice of eviction having lived in my home for more than 30 days. However, his illegal activity on my property put the ball in my court. Had I gone the legal eviction route, he could have been served eviction notice and out of here in as little as a week; and been answering to the criminal court for his illegal behavior while on unsupervised probation.
His only recourse with me would have been in civil court. Let him stay until the the eviction date, or face paying for not letting them back in, which could have consisted of refunding remaining rent/deposit. That was amusing since he'd never put down a deposit or paid any rent, tho he'd conjured up that he'd paid rent through September based upon an agreed upon minute amount that he occasionally paid for him and BH to live here last year ($50/wk). He'd given me a $1k gift when he and BH moved back in last May. It was never offered as rent or accepted as rent.
Dunno why it was so important for me to find out the objective truth and sort through the lie.
Yes, vick, I'm free to wash
Yes, vick, I'm free to wash my hands. That I am free to wash my hands hasn't really sunk in to a deeply internal level yet. Just stumbling along being perfectly imperfect for the time being...
I really enjoy the drive and face to face contact with other people who are excited about life and growing better daily. Just so wiped out for now, but each day is a new day and opportunity. My daughter and grandson will be visiting about 3 hours off on Sunday and there's a meeting on the way home that corresponds conveniently with the scheduling of my family day.
Computers are a great gift, but also sometimes not so good. I'm already isolated by virtue of my remote location. Staying stuck behind a computer screen doesn't do much to change that.
Maybe you should let more
Maybe you should let more time pass away from this relationship before you try to dissect it. Get yourself stronger and healthier. You did the right thing by getting out of it. That was not love. Is there any way you could move to be closer to your children and not so isolated? (And closer to CoDA meetings)
Once you heal some, you may decide it's not necessary to rip apart the past and just move on and enjoy your new life/freedom! Sometimes men are just doinkwads. We all have painful things in our past, but there comes a time when we have to take responsibility for our actions. If the things that happened in the past are severe, we may require therapy, which is also a choice (a good one)! He obviously CHOSE not to do that so you can see where his priorities lie.
Keep working on yourself...you already took the first and hardest step!! Way to go!!
Yanno Calgon, when I left the
Yanno Calgon, when I left the city and moved here to rural nowhere, I was moving to my dream. Am so angry about letting it turn into such a nightmare. Angry at me and feeling humiliated. Stupid. Stupid. Want to kick and stomp on Bozo too.
The only option that I can see for the short term is to stick it out and recover. Eventually I'll move, but that requires a few improvements/updates to this place for best ROI and getting my credit rating just right to purchase a future property. Thankfully, I never let anything happen to make my credit rating slide while Bozo & BH were here. Mainly that they tended to suck up anything extra that would have gone to being nice to myself or doing nice things to improve my home or life.
Anything can happen and I'm free to keep my eyes, ears and heart open for good things to happen. It's a lot easier for good and even miracle-like things to happen when you're not consumed by negative people.
Took a drive and got my book. Back to "just for me!"
Just let that anger be
Just let that anger be constructive...use to it NEVER let Bozo and BH back. If you're ever tempted, draw on the anger! You have an exciting time ahead of you. It must feel like a huge weight has been lifted! Keep up the good work!!