Wasn't your Dh providing health insurance and/or paying a spilt percentage of medical cost that he would have suspected something serious was wrong with the child?

Anyway... I'm sorry for your Dh's loss, belatedly, but nevertheless. Losing a child is difficult and something no parent should ever have to face.

Sadly I'm not sure if he would have a case. What is his reasons? What would he claim as her behavior did to him? What did he lose?

Don't get me wrong she's a horrible person but our court system sadly doesn't punish people for that alone.

I understand that your DH is sad and angry but I doubt he would accomplish anything by taking legal action. He should probably just leave it alone. This is probably a very painful topic for his other children. It would be cruel to bring all of this back up. Plus, if he attacks BM, he may lose any hope he has of ever reconciling with his kids. He should really consider if it is worth it.

Long time lurker...first post or comment.

His daughter was 7 or so when he disappeared from her life. Why would mom contact him three years later when he made the choice to no longer see his children? And why the nasty comments about treatments and mom wanting attention when her child had cancer? That is just cruel to say. This mom went through this three times with her child and ultimately she lost her child. You can be upset or unforgiving when it comes to what happened or what you perceived happened, but you cross a line when it comes to questioning what she did while her child was fighting cancer when your husband chose years before that to not be involved. Mom owned your husband nothing.

What did SD do at 7 years old that led to this 20 year estrangement? What did you do that led to your arrest?

Please leave SS, the other SD, and the ex alone.

I'm also wondering why you blame BM totally? Your husband is just as much to blame if he never made contact and let it be this way for many years. I get why you banished the kids if they behaved atrociously - but there was nothing to stop your husband from maintaining contact.

Him giving up on them was his choice entirely - this is not all BM's fault. She's lost a child and is hurting - she doesn't need you being malicious and putting all the blame on her.

Stop making excuses for him. Its obvious you don't want his other kids around but again - these are choices he needs to make and you should just stay out of it and mind your own business. I'm shocked your daughter made contact - why? What business of it was hers?? She faked being a friend to get info - I find that pretty damn disgusting - especially as she faked sympathy - how classy. Not.

Sorry she died. What a heartbreaking story. Poor siblings and BM S well. So sad.

If your husband is heartbroken, then it sounds like he still loves his kids. He should Focus on the ones that are still alive. It’s hard to take his grief seriously if he only care about thier death and not thier life. He still has living kids.

He walked away...it’s time to walk back towards them.

And yes...I get the crazy BM and what trouble they can cause....if you know the BM in my life....you’d be shocked. She’s a nut.....but my husband knows he needs a relationship with his child dispite a crazy BM.

Your husband walked away from young children. He needs to be more humble about what happened since he left.

There's enough blame here for everyone to have some - you included.

You left young children alone and expected them to call their mom and have her pick them up. You blame a six year old for wandering and the subsequent police involvement. You imply that the child died because the mom did not procure the correct treatment for the child and that you would have if you had known that she was ill.

If the BM were to write here she might tell the tale of the step child who was constantly hitting her child and how when, after repeated incidents she told her child to hit back, things went from bad to worse.

There's no basis for a suit. There's probably no hope of reconciliation with the son. The best you can hope for is that somehow your husband and his son find a way to coexist at work.

So, your husband dumped his kids, and now he wants to sue the woman who stuck around to actually raise her kids, saw said child through THREE bouts of cancer, then had to bury her child? Seriously?

My DH had a son who died, and he was not informed. I don't think the blame game is black and white.

OSS was extremely troubled from a very, very young age (like 7 or 8). He spent a year out of school (back before children had to be offered other accommodations) and DH stayed home with him (worked nights). After their divorce BM sent OSS to live with DH (who gladly accepted him) when he was about 14 or 15 and she could not handle him.

OSS got involved in gang culture and after participating in a murder (or multiple murders) he skipped the state and went underground for more than a decade. This was not DH or BM tossing him away. It was OSS fleeing from murder charges.

Twenty years later BM and DH both knew where OSS was, but he could not come back in state as there were still warrants out for his arrest. There is no statute of limitations with murder. Both talked to him by phone.

When OSS was dying BM went to his side. DH begged her for information. We were very new then and I remember his pleas to her. When OSS died (on Valentine's Day) BM held the funeral (out of state where OSS had fled), but did not tell DH until after the funeral. She listed DH as the father and told everyone that he could not be bothered to attend.

BM deserves a place in hell for that. Which since she is the most holier than thou church lady would be poetic justice.

OP, regardless of what happened in the past a parent has a right to know if their child is deceased. It's plain cruel to purposefully withhold that kind of information. I doubt your DH can accomplish anything with legal action. If I were his friend I'd advise him to start a scholarship fund or make a charitable donation in her honor.

how can you pull your daughter into this mess? That's just a bit low IMHO.

Now DH's daughter dies, DH decided to walk away from them, he has no case against BM. And yes your DH walked away, when they divorced there were a CO in place with visitation, skids got poisoned against their father and he simply sat back, he did nothing. He could've gone back to court and said, BM is in content she refuses visitation, he could've gotten the kids into therapy... but he decided to do nothing.

Your DH needs to get over this and over himself, he can't change the past...

First condoleances! I am sorry this happenened!
Soo many issues
1. Leave BM alone! Isn't it enough she lost a child? You almost lost your child... Have you no compassion?
2. Leaving a 6 yr old to wander alone on the street is ON YOU!
3. Good on BM for keeping her kids away from yours
4. Hitting a 6 year old with a belt is child abuse and ON HIM!
5. I understand that blood makes us do some crazy things and I am sorry that your DH had to go thru being in
surgery rehab as a result of SD defending herself from pinching.

Nutshell

You allowed your older DD to torment a 6 year old
BM told 6 year old she could defend herself
6 year old defended herself after you literally watched your kid torment her an did nothing about it.
you left a 6 year old alone and didn't call anyone.
You got your DH to abandon his child over your GUBM antics.

I feel badly that your DH missed knowing his daughter and allowed his wife's twisted thinking to rob him of that.

I think it's ridiculous that you expected a 6 year old to put up with your older daugher's anger issues because she was a poor widdle COD. So, your daughter got hurt? Maybe if you had taught her to treat others with respect... the situation wouldn't have happened.

Your Dh's kids are not your concern any longer. They are all full grown adults now who want to have nothing to do with your husband, you, or your kids. The only reason he found out now is because he happened to get a job working in the same office as his estranged son.

As far as your DH taking the BM to court. That is simply wishful thinking, and I can't imagine that any lawyer would take that case. He has no legal grounds in which to sue. It is a parent's responsibility to care for a child. He willingly walked away. He willingly decided to not pursue a parallel-parenting situation. His wife was legally charged with willingly leaving a minor child alone, no matter what the circumstances. If he did take her to court, keep in mind that BM could counter sue for Child-Support and medical bills. Especially if he didn't sign his rights away. And his bio-son that he works with would most likely tell facts from his point of view, the bio-son who he now works with.

I can imagine that your husband's work environment can't be pleasant with his son working there. Your husband is best doing what he knows how to do best. Just walk away.