Can't compete.
So my girlfriends daughter has her dad back in her life after 9 years of him never being there what so ever (ditched my GF when she found out she was prego) . the kid likes him because he buys her love all the time when he comes and visits. It just makes it really difficult for me emotionally because when me and my gf made it official (her daughter was 8. Was 9 when her dad came back and is now 10) it was with the underatanding that i would be taking on the role of the other parent and we'd be moving on in our lives together as a family. The kid and I get along really well and I always reassure her that I'm there for her for anything and I can tell by her face that it means alot to her. As far as i know she remembers that I was in their life before her dad was. But sometimes it feels like I'm putting in so much blood and tears and hard work to take care of the responsibilities that her dad left 9 yrs ago and even now (he only sees her every other month). It breaks my heart when I see her run up to him. And hearing her call him daddy. Even the very first day they met she called him daddy and they said I love you to each other. Breaks me everytime I hear it because I decided I wasnt going to push any feelings or make her see me any way she didnt want to, her and I havnt said anything like that to each other yet. Though I've told her things like " I care about you" , "I think of you as a daughter" etc. I feel like I'm a bad person when ever she shows those kind of emotions to her dad because it makes very upset/angry. Not at her but at him. I know some of it is jealousy. But then there is also the heartbreak of it all. Sometimes I feel like what's even the point of me being in their lives now. She's got her mom. And now she has her dad and I could never compete with that ( I know its not a competition. Its just how my brain is working right now and I cant stop it).
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The kid doesn't like her dad
The kid doesn't like her dad because he buys her love. She likes her dad because she yearns for him to stay and be a father to her. That's what she wants - for her parent to be her parent.
Also, your has never been and never will be to be her dad. You are there as her mother's partner in whatever capacity you two decide to be in a relationship. Did you decide that dating your GF would get you an instant family and kids, and now Bio Dad is stepping in and ruining that? If so - tough. He is dad, your SD is his kid, and they get to have the daughter/dad relationship.
This isn't a competition because you aren't even a player in this game. Your SD NEEDS her dad to be around and be a good role model. You being kind and loving towards her is a bonus, not the core. If you are having problems reconciling that, then it may be good to seek therapy or decide that being a SP isn't for you.
I'm not trying to be a B saying all of this. It's hard watching a sub-par parent get all the love when you feel like you're doing the actual work or providing actual structure. But, at the end of the day, we aren't here to replace or be better than the parent. Only in very rare circumstances do SPs actually step in as the "real" parent, and that isn't likely going to be in a situation where the bio parent is actively involved.
You can't be her dad - but
You can't be her dad - but you can be a loving stepdad who is there for her at the same time he supports her relationship with her bio dad. If you are truly the better parent, some day she will recognize and appreciate that.
I understand your feelings are hurt, but if you truly want what's best for this child (rather than what you think is best for YOU), you will be happy that her father is back in her life. Even with a loving stepdad, an absent father is a missing piece in a child's life.
There is more than enough room in her heart for both of you.
I Understand
It hurts, when you put your heart into something, and some jerk walks up and get all the love that you actually EARNED.
I get that. In a way I wish BM wasnt in our lives at all and SD13 was with us full time. But kids need their parents. This is still new to her. She knows that you are there for her, and "new daddy", will probably get tired eventually and wander back to that hole he came from. He gives bio dads a bad name, because society thinks they are ALL deadbeats.
Im sorry you are going through that. I have to always remind myself that munchkin SD13, as much as I do love her and she loves me, has a mother and Im not it.