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So frustrated. it's upsetting to them?

purpledaisies's picture

How do they think I feel? I was the one lied too, dealt with a mom that never wanted me and then to find my bio dad and hus family says it's upsetting to them? I get that it was a shock I get that they needed time I get that they needed to talk as a family. But it's been a long time now and all I want is to have a relationship that someone wanted me. I'm the one that was screwed out of 40 years with my bio dad. This whole hasn't been easy on me either. Why can't I get the same understanding that I feel the same as them? Sorry just really upset that they seem to think it's easy on me and not them.


purpledaisies's picture

Really so now it's still at THEIR pace. I have been going at their pace for 9 months. And yes my other brother is great he talks to me and he is planning on coming to my house soon. I'm very excited about that. Then bio dad said something about a cook out at a park. I hope it all works out. I just got very discouraged b/c the rest if the family is upset. I get the upsetting part really I do. But I didn't lie I wasn't the one that screwed me and them. It was my mom all b/c she wanted to save face. I mean a woman that tried to bribe someone into marrying me so her church friends wouldn't find out I was living with a man but she doesnt go to damn church. B/c of this our relationship is really bad I just can't get over it yet.

I know it will take time but there won't be any process if they won't meet me.

twoviewpoints's picture

You may have to accept the 'others' may never come around. Be excited that you've found your brother who is very open and looking forward to trying to get to you and have a relationship.

The sister isn't rejecting you, Purple daisies, she doesn't even know you. Knows nothing about your life and/or what a kind wonderful person you are. What a great sister you'd make. At this point she's rejecting just the idea of some 40ish old woman suddenly appearing in her family's life and discovering this woman, whoever she is, is actually her never known existed sister. There may be no timeline. She may never be open to the idea of meeting you. There may never be any progress with the sister. But that shouldn't stop you from getting to know your brother and trying to build a relationship of some kind with your father if he's being receptive.

I don't think your father meant to come across as offensive when he said 'its hard for her'. I don't think he meant to imply the entire situation isn't also hard on you.

purpledaisies's picture

I see where u are coming from. My bio dad didn't say that my other sister did. She is the one that said it upsets the family. You are right about her not knowing me I just wish she could see beyond whatever is standing her way.

purpledaisies's picture

Good grief you really don't understand. I have been going at their pace for the last 9 months and then they seem to think it's easier on me then them. That what I'm frustrated about. I have been very understanding towards them but I'm not getting the same. That is what I'm upset about. I do get they have feelings and I have been thinking of their feelings for the last 9 months but I'm not getting the same curtsy. That is what I was letting steam out about. Not that I feel entitled or that I'm not thinking of them b/c believe me I have for a very long time but it comes to a point when you aren't gett I no the same understanding back that you have to let it out. That is what I was doing.

purpledaisies's picture

Mom lied to save face that was it. Then she made it clear she didn't want me.
I do know how they feel and I you guys know how I feel. That's not the point the point is that I'm not gett I no the same curtsy that I have given thwm. That is what I was letting steam off about.

Frustr8d1's picture

At what point did she make it clear she didn't want you? Was it basically your whole life or recently?

purpledaisies's picture

My whole life. But she made it seem to others that she was the best mother ever but when dad left she would call me little bitch and on really bad days she would grab my hair and try to knocK my head on the wall. Of course she denies it. Then there was when my siblings were born it was all about them and u was always put on the back burner. Still to this day she Will get them really great gifts and she will get me something for 5 bucks at walmart. She even tried to bribe a bf to marry me. I'm nothing like her but my sister and her share a brain as I call it. She will also do whatever she ca n to make sure no one shows up to my house for any kind holiday or bbq it doesn't matter their is always some reason that they all should go to her house or my brothers. I have a lot of people on my life who can and will back me up on these things such as the time she hunted me down at a bf house to tell me if I wanted anything for bday a party or anything I'd have to do it myself. In front of him and his family. Then my dh can tell you what she has done for the last 10 years or so. For Xmas one year my brothers got a nentendo I got my little pony the small one that was like 3 bucks. Yep that be my life.
I do understand how they feel believe me I do. I have been very understanding and been going at their pace but what most are forgetting is that I have feelings as well and I haven't seen them consider my feelings like I have theirs.

purpledaisies's picture

I get what you are saying it's just that when I do see bio dad he always suggests that we should get together have a bbq or something like that. He implies that he and his wife and everyone else Will join. I'm a little confused when I get a mess that others don't want to meet me? I think that's where I got frustrated.

purpledaisies's picture

Oh and I have tried so hard to put what mom does behind me than she always does something else. I have tried to cut her out but she always finds a way.

purpledaisies's picture

Excuse me? I know they have their lives and they don't know me. But why can't they get to know me? Not asking for much just for them to get to know me. That is all. I don't need help thank you very much. I know myself and I know what I'm doing and why.

What I don't understand is why it has to be so difficult. Yes bio dad knocked up my mom and dint know about it. So what ? It was 40 years ago. I have been very understanding that it was a shock and u have given time for it to sink in have gone at their pace. What is so hard about getting to know me? I get their feelings which is why I've been understanding and I haven't said a word to them about this nor do I intend too. I was letting g off some steam. I'm not stupid or hear less I'm just not understanding why it has to be so difficult

Disneyfan's picture

Maybe they don't want to get to know you. That are free to make that decision. You can't force you wants/wishes on them.

My sister and I are in a similar situation. We were 19&18 when we found out our bio dad had a wife and an 18 year old daughter. We grew up in NYC, he lived in SC. We were down there often to visit my mom's family. BIO dad, his mother or sisters would come pick us us up for a few hours, but we NEVER went to his house.

Long story short, he cheated our mom. When she found out, she left him and moved to NYC. He begged her to give him another chance, but she refused. His wife knew he loved our mom and wanted to marry her. The only reason he married his wife was because my mom wouldn't take him back. His wife told him she never wanted my sister and I in her house and she didn't want
her daughter around us.
I'm 46. In my lifetime, I've only stepped foot in my bio dad's house three times. Once when I found out he had a wife and
another daughter and twice when he died(my sister and I
stopped by on our way to the funeral home to view body and the
day of the funeral)
Our half sister is desperate to have a relationship with my sister,
our children and I. It will never happen. Her mother hates our mother and my sister (my sister looks just like my mom). Her mother's pettiness and jealousy killed any chance of us ever
having a relationship.

purpledaisies's picture

Besides all I was doing was letting off some steam. Isn't that what everyone here does? I came here to get it off my chest. This is my therapy I can't afford to go to one anyway. And I don't think you are qualified to know that about someone that you have never meet. Yes you know what I post but I'm really a nice person only wanting to get to know my bio dad and his family. I have no other motives. All I was saying was that it seems as though my feelings haven't been into consideration like I have taken their into consideration. Why does it have to be me that has to do all the sacrificing why it that I'm the only one that should take their feeling into Consideration and not the other way around or at least the same?

JingerVZ's picture

I am sorry you have had such a difficult life with your Mom.

Purpledaisies, have you considered the possibility that although you have made contact with you Dad, and he accepts you, his other family may not feel the same way - besides your brother?
Can it be that they don't want to get to know you? I know this may be hard for you, but what if this is the case? Your frustration is that the pace is too slow and you have shown them consideration. What if they don't feel the same way? What if they don't want a relationship with you?

purpledaisies's picture

Then I wish they would sat so. And bio dad shouldn't give me false hope by suggesting a bbq or a get together and imply family will be there.

JingerVZ's picture

Maybe you should ask him to be completely honest with you. The false hope - if it is so- is causing you pain.

Lots of people don't like to tell the truth unless forced into a corner. You may need to force him into a corner to get the truth.

I am sorry that this hurts you like it does. Where you would like a relationship with these people, it may be that it won't happen. You need to prepare yourself for that possibility. I can offer you no other advice other than to send you hugs.

purpledaisies's picture

Omg my other sister just asked for my phone #. Excited. I know it could be not what I expect but I'm thinking positive.

purpledaisies's picture

Me too. It was a surprise as she was the one that said it is upsetting to the family just yesterday so I didn't expect her to ask for my #.

misSTEP's picture

Expect nothing...then you may be pleasantly surprised.

I think that a lot of your angst towards the unexpected family members is actually the anger you want to express to your own mother. After all, she IS the one who caused all this drama.

DPW's picture

I'm 40 and recently connected with my dad and half sisters. Why hadn't I up to this point as I had his contact information, because everything I read said that "reunions" like these ones often fail and I wasn't ready for that. When I was mentally prepared for it, I gave it a go. Two years later, I can tell you that the only regular contact I have with my "other family" is with one of my half-sisters. My dad occasionally emails but nothing with much substance. Another half-sister emailed me for a bit, but it stopped. And, the third half-sister emailed me once but I don't see her interested at all in pursuing a relationship with me.

Am I hurt? Not really. I understand that they have lived over 30 years not having me as part of their close knit family and I have lived 40 years in my own family. I don't take it personally, it's simply circumstantial. They don't know me enough for me to take it personally. I have no clue what is going on in their lives and they don't know much about me. I went into this with very low expectations and so far I'm okay with the outcome.

You seem very angry, and rightly so, however, I will caution that your anger is not allowing you to hear the good advice given by many on this site. I, too, think you'd benefit from some therapy as you need to not only process this dad stuff but I suspect also process and come to terms with your mother.

Good luck to you...

Gabriels Mom's picture

I apologize I haven't read all the responses but I am in a similar situation. My bio dad died when I was 2 (that part my mom didn't lie about) when I was 30 I learned not only did my "dad" not know I existed neither did his family. My mom wouldn't give me the info I needed to find them so I picked her HS BFF's brain and got what I needed even though I don't think she realized she gave me what I needed.

I contacted them. Sent a letter. It took "grandpa" 18 months to tell his other kids about it. One of his daughters contacted me. We did a DNA test even though I look like my aunt could have spit me out. and THEN I spoke to him over the phone. I've met him once and it's been 3 years since I found him. I do speak to and see the aunt all the time. I've never even met 2 to of my "aunts".

With all that said, I think you went into this with the wrong mindset. When I sent that letter I sent it with the attitude of "If they welcome me with open arms, AWESOME. If not, no harm no foul." I'm an adult. They don't know me. I don't know them. Everyone has their own life. I think it would have been different it I had been younger. But I'm not. I think you think these people will do something for you emotionally. Fill a void. It won't. Only you can do that. I think counseling would be a good option.

You keep saying you're giving them space and it's been 9 months...pushing is only going to make this harder. Let them be. If they want to meet you great! If not you didn't lose anything, you don't even know this person. Get some counseling, resolve the feelings you have about your childhood and find your own happiness.

purpledaisies's picture

I haven't pushed anytjong. When I meet bio dad and brother it was their idea. I have let bio dad tell his family. They all know about me. I've talked to bio dad and brother and sister. I was just surprised when sister said it upsets the family b/c bio dad made it sound like everyone ok with me. I knew his wife had a hard time.

Like I said I was only frustrated b/c it seemed as though they weren't thinking that it's been hard on me too. I did let sister know it's been hard me as well. I think it might have made them realize I am human too and I have feelings like they do. That was all I asked.

Yes I might me a little defensive but come on I think I have a right to be. And you km now u have my own life as well as they do. I have things going on that I can't just drop everything and meet them a few hours away at short notice too.
And you know I'm still getting the same crap here that I get from them that I have feelings just like they do and a life to love as they do. So please let's be fair.

kathc's picture

If someone came to me and said "hey I'm your sister you never knew existed" I probably wouldn't want anything to do with them, I'm sorry, but that's the truth. And I'd feel weird saying "no I don't want anything to do with you" so I'd just put off and avoid and hope she'd go away. I'm comfortable in my life. I don't want to get to know some long lost relative I never knew existed. It would have nothing to do with them, I just wouldn't even want to get to know them.

purpledaisies's picture

Wow aren't you narrow minded. I didn't go to her I went to bio dad and he told the family. I have been going at their pace and have been very understanding.

Plus reality is that these types of things happen all the time people are with others and dates other people and having a kid you may not know about is always possible.
I will accept it if others in the family don't want to meet me, doesn't mean I'll like it. I will respect it. But still doesn't mean that they aren't narrow minded and will be missing out on someone else in there life that could be a very close friend or relative. You just never know til you meet them and at least try.