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i just found out for sure my dad os not my dad

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 2:52am

So what to do now? My mom will freak when I confront her. No easy way of doing it. I have suspected for a while now that he is not my Bio Dad but had nothing to go on. Til my crazy aunt sent me a nasty message about it e even called me a whore.

I started asking and asking for almost a year now til my other aunt finally confirmed it. I had asked mom but she refused to answer.

So I do I approach her without her freaking that I know. And i don't know who he is or if he even knows about me

I'm almost 40 and don't understand why it was kept from me for so long.

My mom will freak I know and I hope it wont start a fight. But I need to know before someone dies and can't tell me or my father is dead or something. Crap

Comments

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 3:07am

No I get it as i have so many questions myself. But it is more the emotional and that I wasn't told and does he even know about me. I might have family that I never knew. I Know my dad is my dad but it would explain a lot.

Such my moms behavior toward me to the point that others have noticed not just me. I Suspected b/c of my mom she always acted like I ruined her life. Plus her dates never added up of when I was born and when she said she got preggo. I can count you know. When I ask her about she pretends I say nothing.

Oh and no my aunt didn't do it to hurt me at least not the one I finally got the truth from. My other crazy aunt yep she said it hurt me, hence her calling me a phony whore.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 3:28am

No I believe he knows he just isn't saying anything, I think that because when I tried to talk to them about it all mom said was 'look at what it is doing to her' to my dad. That was all I could get out of either of them.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 3:49am

here is the mess my crazy aunt sent me:

look u phony little whore u take after your dad oh thats right hes your pretend dad ask him how his brothers wife doing did u help steal granmas money dont worry about it go see grandma today because im taking a restrning order to keep u away from her the laws on my side this time, u need to show this to your fake dad he wont want your mom to0 see this

All mistakes are hers. The one thing I can't seem to understand is why she tells me to ask him how his brother's wife is doing?

this puzzles me?

For the record I didn't steal any money from gma. that is in her head.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 3:57am

Stepdown I get what you are saying yes he has been there from the day I was born. However I don't think this is something that should have been kept from me. I never kept it from my kids they know the truth and who their daddys are.

My dad is my dad that will not change. I'm more hurt and upset that this was kept from me. If it was kept from was it kept from my bio dad too? That the thing with things like this if you don't tell the truth it will bite you.

It is doing a number on me which is another reason that people should tell the truth b/c I'm sitting here at 4am can't sleep wondering who my bio father is and trying to find a way to approach it to my mom who I know will freak. If she had just told the truth I wouldn't be here feeling all that I'm feeling right now. so if anyone is wondering if they should tell their kid I say you need to think of what they will go through when the truth come out and not by you.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 4:14am

I care at this point sorry but I disagree I have every right to know and I plan on asking. My dad is great too and will never forgot that. But to keep something like this a secret? I just can't ....this is huge. I get times were different then but now it is time to get the truth.

Pinki3663's picture

Submitted by Pinki3663 on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 4:28am

Not sure how you are going about asking now but it seems as if they side step your questions and ignore. I would say be calm but straight forward. Say "Look I know he isn't my biological father so what's the deal? Who is?" Don't allow them to change subjects or to ignore you. Keep asking the same question until you get something from them.

You are 40 why in the world is your mother treating you like you are 3! You are certainly old enough to handle the conversation.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 4:35am

thank you pinki that is what I told my aunt when I cornered her. See i knew something was up when my aunt sent that mess and mom and dad skirting around it to my other aunt saying that is between you and your parents to moms best friend saying the same thing. So I did try to talk to mom and dad but nothing. So I started on my aunt that I am super close with and she finally came out with it. It took me a year to get to just the yes or no. sheesh

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 4:57am

Yes it is. I plan on talking to mom but if I get no where I'll have no choice but to talk to crazy aunt. My other aunt said that only mom and crazy aunt knows the truth. UGH

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 6:04am

Yes tog I already know this about my mom and yes I do believe she has some kind of personalty disorder. i mean when I told her I was going to college after my kids were born she said and I quote "I couldn't do that and I had your father" she said it in a very mean and nasty way and slammed her bed room door in my face. so yep I know what I'm up against.
this is what I mean about her behavior. only towards me though not my brothers or sister.
I have already set up to meet her today. we shall see. it won't be til late this afternoon though

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 6:08am

My dad is not my dad. I have always known but believe me, there was a reason I never knew my bio dad growing up. I was lucky enough that my mom found a loop hole in the system while my bio dad was in jail and my stepdad adopted me. There is a very good chance your mom just wanted to protect you. I understand wanting to know for medical reasons but honestly, the people that love you raised you.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 6:17am

I know that they love me and could be protection but why not tell me? At least you know I don't know. that is the difference

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 6:25am

I'm not sure I'd take the word or the 'truth' as gospel from Crazy Aunt. Obviously Crazy Aunt isn't too fond of you if she's calling you names. There is always a change even if your father is not your bio-father, that Crazy Aunt might not know as much or as correctly as she thinks she does.

There's also the chance that your bio-father knows, has known as knew all along (or at least has known for a very long time) and has chosen to not be identified. Really the only way to know 100% is a dna test. It might be what you should start with prior to 'confronting' your mother. You'd need your Dad, of course, to cooperate with a test. Perhaps once you had a dna test in your hand, mom would have little choice but to actually discuss the results with you.

Crazy Aunt I doubt can get a restraining order against you and your (bio/non-bio) grandmother, unless perhaps if Gma is incompetent and legally unable to make her own decisions.

I can understand the confusion and mixed feelings. Also the thought of being betrayed by not being told the truth (if there is a truth). Without a dna test though the 'truth' could actually be as simple as your mother cheating on your dad and a possibility exist Dad might not be the bio-father, but indeed may be. Without more proof, you're imagination could run wild with things that are only partly true if at all. Confronting your mother in an angry accusatory way may just serve to clam her up and become defensive. When you talk to your mother you are going to have to try and be calm and keep your emotions in check (as hard as that might be). If you want the truth IMO you will have to go at this in a mature adult manner assuring her that she is your mother no matter what and that you love her and that will not change. That will perhaps be difficult because you do feel hurt and betrayed by not being told before. But if the truth is what you really desire, you have a better chance of getting it and getting the whole truth if you keep the anger and the heavy emotions checked. I'm sure this discussion won't be easy for her either. She'll be afraid of losing you because of her untruths.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 6:43am

Have you seen your birth certificate? Is there a chance your mom would've put your real dad's name on it?

I would think if your Aunt can tell you that your dad is not your bio-father, she should be able to tell you who is...?

We are dealing with something like this in DH's family as well. DH's aunt got pregnant with her DH's best friend's baby, but never told her husband...or the bio-dad. Her son is 34 now & he still has no idea. His bio-father took his own life years ago...long before MIL ever said anything to DH & I about it.

She gave her sister her word that she'd never tell. She told DH & I about it a couple of years ago, but we're not really close to this cousin. We feel everyone deserves to know who their parents are, & they deserve the opportunity to decide themselves, whether or not to pursue a relationship with them.

In our case, Aunt & her DH split, so this man ended up paying 16 years of CS for a kid that wasn't even his. We certainly don't want to do anything to hurt this cousin, & to tell him now would leave him with a lot of unanswered questions because his bio-dad is gone.

I'm sure your mom is trying to keep from hurting you. While I understand that the secrets hurt you, likely she is seeing it from a very different angle. Not to mention, maybe she's feeling shameful & embarrassed about the situation.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 6:34am

Of course I will and I know that dad knows. I didnt take too much in account of what crazy aunt said til my other aunt and mom bff said the same thing that I need to talk to my parents and that crazy had had no right to say anything. that is when I asked mom and dad and got the run around. So I leaned hard on my other aunt til she told me. Makes sense now?

I will not talk to crazy aunt she be NUTS. But my other aunt whom I am close with finally told me the truth but all she knows is that dad is not my bio. But what I do know is that mom and dad didn't gt married til mom was 3 months preggo with me. simple math really but when I ask mom about it she wont answer. But that excludes mom cheating after marriage.

I am going to have her sit down and get her a drink and tell her that we all do stupid stuff when we are young and that I'm not mad but just want the truth.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 6:35am

storm I have seen my hospital record and no my dad is on there but not my bio dad. I have never had anything but the hospital record.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 6:46am

Yep I know. But I already started asking questions a year ago so I shouldn't be that BIG of a surprise.

So my uncle is my bio dad? I don't want to think about that all my uncles are dead beats. But that in itself doesn't make sense b/c oldest uncles wife is dead and has been for a very long time. the next one doesn't have a wife and the youngest wife dead about 5 years ago or more.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 7:06am

Thank you beaccountable that was a great post. I choose to tell my kids the truth just b/c of that.

For starters I was always treated different by my mom not my dad. But I know with out a doubt she is my mom from pics. and the time line. mom used to call me bitch and pull my hair and then when i wanted to go to school she said I was the worst mother ever. She has always had this air about her that said that i ruined her life. I can't completely describe it but if you were around you would pick up on it. Everyone around has including her mom (my gma) which told me she was sorry for my moms treatment of me.

But if she got preggo with me and thought she HAD to marry then there it is. If my bio dad knew he might have left when he found out or she was already split up with him when she found out. Either way I want to know.

I hope that cleared some up for you.

HadEnoughx5's picture

Submitted by HadEnoughx5 on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 7:15am

we must have posted at the same time. I'm sorry your mom treated you differently and has been abusive towards you.

HadEnoughx5's picture

Submitted by HadEnoughx5 on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 7:12am

I think if it were me, I'd ask your mom who your bio dad is. You may have another whole family to meet. I think it's important that you assure your mom that you love her regardless of her reason's for not telling you. And be assuring to your step dad too.

Good Luck with all of this, it's a tough situation for everyone.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 7:16am

hadenough that is what I am thinking too. I love my dad he has been a great dad really has. He has always kept mom in check the best he could for me. he used to slip me money and tell me not to tell mom. Mom is very jealous especially of me. Dad did his best to not let her show it but it came out though. that is why I do love my dad. But I still need to know who my bio dad is.

HadEnoughx5's picture

Submitted by HadEnoughx5 on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 7:22am

Do what's in your heart sweetie. Live a life of no regrets. Keep us posted on how it goes. ((((HUGS)))))

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 8:29am

Yes I have i know how she is. this will go either that she will show up by herself and refuse to talk without dad or she will show up with dad and they both try to gloss over it like it doesn't exist.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 9:04am

that is the main reason I posted so that the truth is always better then hiding b/c believe me this is the hardest thing ever. If they had told me from the beginning everything would be over and done with by now and I might know my bio ad I might not but at least I would know and knows if he knows.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 10:10am

Oh beaccountable thank you so much for that. I gave my all to my 2 kids who are is college now and I'm the proudest mamma! I told them both how proud I am of them and helped them as much as I can. I never want them to feel what I felt that day my mom treated me when I told her I was going to school. I kept it real with them and made sure I always told the truth. just recently dd20 wanted to know the story of how me and her dad met and what happened and why he left. I told her everything. the facts. She still hasn't found him but I am 90% sure he is dead but she is holding out hope. I don't blame her.

But yep you are right I choose when my dd was born when I was barely 18 that I would never treat her the way my mom treated me. I ever not once called her a bitch or a bad name ever. Never laid a hand on her that wasn't for discipline. When my son was born I knew it was better for all of us if my ex was not my dh but I made sure he knew who his dad is and never kept him away from him.

I just wanted better for my kids and so far neither have kids yet and both are in college. I think that is an accomplishment. lol

But what if I don't get an answer from either of them? Should I ask crazy aunt? which I don't want to do but she might give me his name. UGH

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 11:02am

Oh I forgot my gma is gone RIP. But its ok I'll keep digging if I have too. Thanks I appreciate all the comments ladies.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 11:25am

Is Crazy Aunt your mother's side or your Dad's? Not I suppose that it really matters, it's just Crazy Aunt's email to you was so cruel. There was no reason for the exposure except to be mean. Does your mom and Crazy Aunt get along (or at least use to be close)?

The email wasn't done as in telling you something for your best interest, it was meant to belittle you and be pure mean. As if this lady thought she herself would not only hurt you but perhaps have something to gain from her deed. Strange.

I hope your mother will be open to discussion. There is always though the chance that your bio-father isn't as simple as just giving you a name. I'm not trying to sound offensive but her becoming pregnant may not be anything like you may be envisioning it and not be just a matter of lying about bio-father's identity. She may have no idea or it may be something like becoming pregnant against her wishes. Obviously whoever and however it appears your father knows and accepted you as his own. That's a positive. Though he never shared with you your mother's 'secret' he's loved you all along as his daughter and he tried protected you from your mother and her abusive ways. This man loves you no matter what you may find out today.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 1:38pm

Thanks twopines, crazy aunt is my moms sister. Yes she wanted to hurt me and to get to mom. However I didn't base this solely on her mess. I started to think there was some truth to it when mom and dad wouldn't give me a straight answer then all family members and moms bff told it was between me and my parents. I knew something more was up and I was right.

You may be right about the story of what happened and I get that it may not be just here is his name. however I do deserve to know how I came about. And yes my dad is my dad that won't change how I feel about him he raised me and was great with my mom and to keep her in check when it came to me. That I do know that he did his best to protect me from mom. In fact when I was 14 I packed my bags and left b/c of her and dad was the one that told mom to let me go. He knew that me and mom were not a good mix. I lived with my gma and things were so much better.

I will never forget what dad has done and did out of love.