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Finally had enough

premiercatch's picture

WOW, to all my fellow step-Monsters out there, my advice for the day! When you see the red flags flying early on in the relationship ~ DO NOT IGNORE THEM!!! Easy street was just a few arms lengths away. Yup, the hubby & I were finishing up w/the last of 6 kids.  Roughly about a year and then we were going to be able to get to know each other as husband & wife not mom & dad.  We had plans to live in a little love nest w/ a big barn for all our outdoor toys...Then the storm hit and it hit and it hit and it hit.  Roughly 6 months ago I was manipulated, She was kicked out of yet another apartment that she lived in w/ her bf.  He went to his parents and I was told she was going to her BM's house.  Little did I know 3 days later her BM said no because everytime she has come back there to live it has disrupted her marriage w/ her now husband.  So BAM, she was just like a sitting duck! More like I was a broke goose!  He is a head in the sand kind of dad.  He set no time limits on how long she intends on living w/ us, no idea what the "plan" is, he does not feel as though she should pay any rent (because then how would she save for an apt) she does buy a little bit of her own food.  I also forgot to mention she is 26 yrs old.  She has been in a mental institution numerous times the last time she told her entire family a horrible lie about her bf and she is still w/ him engaged.  LOL, what a joke.  I am actually smirking while I type this to you all because of how ridiculous all this sounds as I type it and how in the HELL, why in the HELL did I endure this unhealthy crap for so many years.  Anyway back to the story... so she does work a full time job and its a decent job.  Has A LOT of $$ owed to A LOT of people.. she is on numerous meds I think the last time I heard someone say something they said 13 pills a day.  Ranging from xanax to trazadone ~ If she is not at work all she does is lay in bed.  I cook, grocery shop ect. ect.   Well ~ Ladies and Gentlemen, I have chose to no longer be a punching bag for these two.  The deciet, the texting behind my back, just the mere fact that she is basking in the life that I worked very very hard for w/my husband and I am the one walking on egg shells, I am the one soaking up the stress trying to keep peace.  NO MORE.. I've worked hard too, I deserve just as much respect in MY OWN home.  I want to be able to run around naked in my own home, blare the music, slide on the kitchen floor in nothing but a Tshirt & socks.  Not be an angry ogar and mad at the world for something that was completely out of my control.  There is so so much more to this little entry but I am chosing not to relive it over and over.  I just want to tell you ladies and gentlemen, life is too damn short to not feel the electricity w/ the man/woman you love.  To not be able to truly feel happy.  Good luck to all of you, heres to me and my strenghth to move on no matter how completely terrifying it may be.  I don't want to be an angry ogar anymore.  

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU!

You finally got FED up enough to not tolerate this bullsh!t anymore and you are taking charge and owning it. Life is short darlin' and we have to live it to the fullest.

Cheers to you living your best life and on your terms!

Clapping

grace8205's picture

I had enough just like you. Skid is no longer here and he will never be back again otherwise I am out. Right now it's just taking some time to let go of the resentment. 

StepUltimate's picture

Had my fill of the entitled skid b.s. Cut off ALL freebies. Almost a year skid-free & still struggling with resentments & how much pain I've gone thru being that "make up" for what Evil BM did or did not do for her SON. The "No Good Deed... " scenario. Going to marriage counseling. 

Wish I'd found ST about 4 years sooner. 

shamds's picture

Peace...

a comkon thing with these divorced parents is in trying to maintain harmony in the home, they figure between the new spouse and my kids i’ll justify the kids issues and behavioural problems and tell the spouse to suck it up and play along like its all good. We become the expendable and treated like shit by an arsehole spouse not willing to set basic boundaries.

you get to a point when you know you deserve better and go for it...

premiercatch's picture

Hi everyone.. Thought I'd drop in & say Hey!! Nothing much has changed except the fact that I am still an angry OGAR (but only at his house now)  Yes I'm still there playing the fake it til you break it game!  But I found an apartment w/in my budget & its ready now.  I told him 2 days ago I had found an apartment and he got a little pale and a surprised/scared look on his face but said NOTHING (literally) then proceeded w/ the day as if it was normal.  SMH!  Well, lets back track a bit ~  In a last ditch attempt to salvage something in my marriage I booked a week to a quiet cottage on a small lake w/ a pontoon.  Which is what we used to LOVE to do together.  Prior to leaving I made it very, very clear that if the SD had her disgusting bf stay at the house while we were gone I was leaving.  No arguing, no breaking shit... just plain ol' leaving.  Guess what?  YUP, he stayed the entire time we were gone.  I found out while we were still at the cottage and I was so infuriated I lost it emotionally.  Sobbed and just felt a complete loss of life in my soul. I brought this to my DH's attention and he began to text her (which is the perferred method of communication for the two of them so I can't hear).  Even after he messaged her and said god knows what, I found out she still had the bf stay 2 more nights.  Now I was just PISSED!  So mad I could have thrown a car across that damn lake.  We left early due to some other scheduling conflicts which was for the best anyway.  On the way home he said we would take care of this w/ the SD as soon as we got back. WTH?  Ummm, No "WE" won't!  HE will, I am not dealing w/ SDand her bat shit craziness.  That was something he should have dealt w/ months ago.  So I told DH to do it himself!  Which you guessed it, It never happened!  Still as of this morning it hasn't happened. When I mentioned I was going to have a friend help me clean the couch that was being stored in the garage he asked if it was so we could move it in the house.  I responded by saying "No, I'm taking it with me".  He quietly walked out of the house to work and hasn't mentioned it again.  The car that I gave SD 8 months ago is still uninsured and she is still driving it in my name w/ my plate on it.  This has been a HUGE issue for months.  This could potentially cause me a tremendous amount of financial and legal issues if she were to get into an accident and/or god for bid hurt other people.  Since living in a no fault state, I could even have felony charges put against me if the situation were right.  He will not make her get insurance & get the car legal.  To me that is HUGE, he is literally allowing SD to put my entire future on the line every single day by letting her drive that vechile. Everytime it has been brought up he gets extrememly aggrevated and aggresive toward me.  Never physical but it doesn't make it any less scary.  So w/ the exception of an occasional sarcastic comment I have dropped it.  So now that my apartment is ready, the super scary part begins.. I can start moving anytime but I just haven't... walking away from over a decade of hard work, love, blood, sweat & tears isn't easy.  Starting all over will certainly be an adventure.  Not to mention my own daughter is in her senior year of hs.  This next year is going to prove to be a test of strenghth for this mom.  

susanm's picture

Good lord.  Take the car back.  Simply drive it away, park it at a friend's house, and have them drive you back home to get the rest of your stuff.  Or hand the key to the friend and have them drive away with it. Call a tow truck if you don't have a key.  It is your car and the kid driving it could be a complete disaster.  The hell with the fact that you "gave" it to her.  She is driving it illegally.  If you leave it you are asking for your world to be destroyed.

I wish you luck in everything.  You will feel sooooo much better once you have settled in and have a peaceful place with your daughter.

susanm's picture

It is her car though and taking the plates does not resolve the title issue since it is still in her name.  It can only sit like a lump in the driveway with no plate and eventually she will have to deal with an angry DH to get rid of it.  If nothing else she can sell it to some deserving student cheap.  Yes, it was a gift to the SD but it was abused and placed the giver in actual legal danger.  I see no moral issue with taking it back as she leaves.

premiercatch's picture

Its not her car... the title is still in my name too.  I went and got everything she needed from the DMV early this year so she could handle her business.  She just didn't do it.  So not only are the plates in my name so is the car.  She has not done anything even after numerous requests she has just blantently not done it.  Instead a couple weeks ago she came home on a friday w/ a new iphone & ipad.  So basically she is driving MY car w/ no insurance... and SD will NOT do anything about it. I am also her legal SM which means because I gave her the car so she won't even be charge sales tax @ the DMV because its considered a gift

susanm's picture

That was what I meant.  "Her" car was referring to you.  Take the damned thing and sell it cheap to someone who will appreciate it.  It is not like these people are going to dislike you any more than they already do!

Siemprematahari's picture

Premiercatch can you take the car away from SD? If you have an extra set of keys just take it or report it stolen. One way or the other you need that car back.

Congratulations! You are so brave in making this move. You found yourself a place and starting the process to remove yourself from this toxic marriage and heal. Wishing you the best! It may not be easy but it will be worth it and you'll thank yourself in the future.

premiercatch's picture

I have threatened to take the car and it was NOT pretty.  SD is what I call his "trigger", He is unable to listen when it comes to anything in regards to SD.  He hears only what he wants or thinks.  The last time I said something about removing the plate he flew off the handle and questioned me with something that I never even said.  He responded by saying "what? so your saying your never gave that car to her?"  WTF, NO~ Not at all what I said.  I said: "She gets insurance immediately or I'm removing the plate".  She has a FT job and makes nearly $15.00 an hour.  She has bought home nearly $10K since she has moved in.  She pays no rent, no car insurance, I GAVE her the car, she buys very, very minimal groceries (and keeps them in her room).  She does laundry at the house, she doesn't even buy toilet paper.  She does nothing as far as chores go.. NOTHING.  She has zero positive contribution to the household.  The only thing she has brought to the table is doom & gloom.  I can truly say, If I would have ONLY paid attention to the red flags over 10 years ago.  I knew then that SD would be the shovel that digs the grave for my marriage. 

 

SteppedOut's picture

Seriously, REPO THE CAR. 

If she can't change the title and insure the car, take it back! Have a tow truck snatch if from her work if need be. What is she going to do? Call the police? 

You need to get you and your daughter out of that unhealthy situation - AND THS CAR. Do NOT leave the car!!!

Siemprematahari's picture

He's being manipulative and acting like a bully. Take the d@mn plates and to hell with how they both feel. If something happens its going to be your @ss that has to pay and they will be on the side lines not giving a f@ck.

premiercatch's picture

Siemprematahari, U are so right!  Everyone is right ~  I have threatened til I am blue in the face that I'm removing the plate from the car.  And NO WAY would I leave the car when I'm gone... and just let her drive it @ my risk.  He is pretty scary when he loses it when its something concerning SD.  I refer to him as HULK, Its like his logic shuts off, his ability to be rational is gone he just turns into an angry, aggresive scary man.  He's never touched me, came close once or twice it resulted in him puffing out his chest like a gorilla and trying to intimidate me.  I didn't back down, but after the fact it was pretty damn scary & I cried.  It makes for a crazy drama situation and I just try to avoid it at all costs 

SteppedOut's picture

Girl, your apartment is ready. Get out! 

Yoy said he has come close to getting physical; when you yank the car it might push him. Please be careful. Perhaps take the car when he isn't around (at her work) and when you move! Get moving! 

premiercatch's picture

Sooo, last night apparently SD told her dad that she has removed the plate from the car, her bf has the keys and she said to tell me good luck finding the title because its locked inside the car.  If I report it stolen and have it towed I will regret it!  That is what the text from SD to DH said.  He didn't stick up for me or even make a single comment back to her.  I again told him I would be out by Labor Day and he said nothing.  O' & BTW, in case you all didn't catch on ~  she hid the car.  SD came home last night driving the bf's truck. I asked SD where the car was he said he didn't know. SMH, what a coward!  

susanm's picture

I assume you have a screen shot of the text?  If not, get one.  So now you have solid proof in text form that she is fully aware of the legal problems with the car and is preventing you from taking it back to remedy the situation.  In other words, she has stolen your property and knows you are within your rightst to report it.   And her bf and your DH are accomplices in that they either are participating or have knowledge and fail to take action.  Take it to the police and report the car stolen as soon as you are safely out.  God help you if there is an accident with that car and you also have failed to take action to prevent it.

And make sure these people have no idea where your new apartment is.  You don't need drama following you!

premiercatch's picture

Wow, Can't believe its been a year since I posted on here.  So much has happened, I did end up leaving and got an apt (I hated) quickly found an adorable house (I loved).. but have since moved back home w/ husband & allowed my bio-son to assume the house (@ his expense) that way I didn't have to break my lease.  Everything was going wonderful, bio- daughter is off to college living the fun life she should be.  SD has now had a child, still no job, been living w/ BM.  BM is leaving current husband and SD now has no where to go w/ a brand new baby and NO baby daddy to help.  SD called my BS and asked him if her and the baby could come stay with him.  BS being a hardcore empath said yes... I said HELL NO.  As long as I am the listed responsible party on that lease she will not live there.   Now, the only option is for her and the baby to come back and live w/ me and her dad.  AGAIN?  w/ no job ~  I hoped and hoped that her dad would want to talk to me and address the elephant in the room.  But no such luck.  I don't bring it up because he instantly gets defensive, completely irrational and it creates a tremendous amount of tension.  No one knows exactly what is going on, BD hasn't even attempted to call SD and ask what she was trying to do?  Whats going on?  NADA!  He is taking his normal approach, If I don't acknowledge it then it doesn't exist.  Until it does at the last minute and hell breaks lose.  What a shit show!  I am already on the defensive..trying to figure out what I'm going to do this time?  I anticipated this when I came back so I put some $$ aside so that it wouldn't be such a financial blow this time.  I'm way more prepared for SD wrath this time..or at least I'm trying to convince myself of that. Apparently she is planning to move this weekend or the following.  Only time will tell