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Not looking forward to Christmas

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Submitted by positivelyfourt... on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 1:06pm

SD, who I haven't spoken to in six months will be visiting for a short period of time. Normally, I could just suck it up and deal but I'm still very angry about an ugly incident concerning her wedding.

Was invited to bridal shower and didn't want to go because it would just be another fun filled event of RA and shunning. But I can't tell her that-right?

Tried to politely decline and send a gift. Maid of honor calls and starts badgering me as to why I'm not going. Now, don't normal people just accept your decision and move on with the planning? No, I owe everyone an explanation.

I tried to put it off to not being very social. MOH just went on and on asking my why. It's getting so bad I am at a loss for words with the badgering and manipulation. Long awkward silences as I try and maintain composure. I finally told her once again that I appreciate the invite, but I'll just send a gift, thank you very much. I am waiting for her to excuse herself and get off the phone, but she's just sitting there, silent. I know they only want me there so they can do their RA bullshit and I don't want any part of it.

I don't have time for this shit, so I tell her I'm trying to get dinner on the table and I have to go now.

Again, silence. So I hang up. What else can I do?

Later, SD calls, crying and yelling and screaming about how I was rude to MOH and hung up on her, yada, yada, yada.

I hand the phone to dad and I can sense after a few minutes that it's really going south. I pick up the extension and listen to her tell dad one lie after another about how rude I was. She can't understand why a major female figure in her life doesn't want to go(she has hated me since day one and tried her damndest to drive me away for good and right now I can hear her trying to get me and dad to fight) I don't care about her and her wedding. Dad doesn't care about her and her wedding. On and on and on. Crying, shouting, badgering, manipulating and all of it. At this point, I decided in my mind to wash my hands of the whole mess and just not go to the wedding and possibly not speak to her again. I was beyond pissed. I am expected to support her and her marriage when she has actively, for years tried to sow seeds of dissension between me and her dad. Nope. Not gonna happen. I told H if there's any justice, she will be surrounded by people who support her marriage exactly the way she supported ours.

Dad gave her what for, but threw me under the bus a couple of weeks later. True to my word, I did not attend the wedding.
My bios told me they played the theme from the Addams Family when they walked into reception hall with H. This is how they are. They can't let go of their bullshit for even one day-they take every opportunity they can to hurt and insult-even at the wedding that Mortisha's husband(haha)helped pay for.

I have not spoken to her since. I do not answer the phone if she calls. She can call dad's cell or one of the bios can answer and hand phone to dad. I'm done.

We are only supposed to see her for maybe a few hours Christmas Day and I'm dreading it. Everyplace this girl and her posse go, they cause drama and major scenes. It will be the usual under the radar insults and digs.

It's only a few hours and it shouldn't be a big deal but I am traumatized from 15 years of dealing with non supportive H and her shit too.

I may trigger some kind of war if I don't just sit here and take it like I'm expected to. Let the chips fall where they may.

I'm tired.

Sorry for whining. I know lots of you have it way worse with a whole pack of them present for a week or two.

Thanks for listening.

Comments

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 1:34pm

your SD is an adult, dont sit there and take it, fuck that. she would bet getting more then she gives for me. age and experience I would tear her ass up verbally if she even attempted to "go there"

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 4:35pm

Life is too short to waste any time on people like that. It took me a long time to realize that too-but once I finally figured it out it was liberating.

Your sd is an adult but she is acting like a child. Perhaps when she grows up, acknowledges her years of shitty behavior toward you and genuinely apologizes-perhaps you could consider some sort of contact with her, but frankly until that occurred (which it likely never will) I wouldn't waste one second of my time on her.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Submitted by positivelyfourt... on Thu, 12/26/2013 - 10:13am

Not going to the wedding? Bravery had nothing to do with it. It had everything to do with not wanting to deal with RA and trying to cope with an absolute avalanche of bad memories. I was barely keeping it together and wouldn't risk exposing myself like that to all of those people-my husband included.

Ever since husband was ill and behaved like such an ass to me(see previous postings-he has always been kind of an abusive ass, but his being like that while I was coping with his illness was the icing on the cake), I have been kind of stepping back. I have been stepping back further and further, detaching and just quietly observing everything for several years now. I am trying to decide if I even want to be here anymore and more and more there doesn't seem to be much left for me to hold onto. I went through the grief stage a while back so it doesn't really hurt that much. It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it at the moment.

Christmas wasn't that bad, probably because I have very little emotionally invested into the whole mess at this point. SD and her husband came in, sat down and visited for about an hour and a half. She seemed a little off-not her normal self-and nervous, strangely enough. Kind of fake. It probably took everything in her to sit there and act like a decent person instead of lobbing one insult after another under the radar.

I'd had a few days to psyche myself up for it. I decided to just wait and see what happens and if I don't like it, I can always leave the room and plead "the SHITS"(Thank you dtzyblond!)Gifts were exchanged and it was actually halfway decent even if it was a bit awkward.

BIL was kind of weird though. He handed SD a card for BM and the OC right there in front of me, repeating that here's a little something for BM and OC. I don't feel like it was a deliberate slight on his part-just kind of clueless. I just ignored it.

Lately I am not really trusting BIL and I have no reason to feel this way, just a gut feeling. H and BM have been divorced for over fifteen years. I don't know if BIL has always had some kind of contact with BM or if it's only in the last couple of years. BIL asked me last Christmas if he should visit her. She went through cancer and is now in remission and I guess he wanted to minister to her some way(he is a mega born again Christian) I told him he was free, white and over twenty-one and it wasn't my place to tell him what to do or where to go and that he should do what he feels is right in his heart. He went, bless his heart.

I kind of feel like there's something lurking under the surface that everyone else knows about except me, which is a very usual feeling in my world with these people.

SD and her H live with BM while they are saving enough for a down payment on a house. They spent Thanksgiving with BM of course, since they are living there. There are so many sets of parents they kind of have to rotate visiting through the years. H called SD to wish her a happy Thanksgiving early that day. Several hours after dinner BM called our house and asked to speak with BIL, who took the phone into the bedroom and closed the door. I think he was on the phone for about 10 or 15 minutes. I thought this was kind of weird, but I never said anything. A couple of hours later, SD's husband called asking my H what to do about SD, who was very drunk. My husband told him "Kiss her good night and put her to bed. She's your wife".(Side note-if I have a couple of drinks before dinner he will create a small war even if I've worked a while to make a really nice dinner and everything is done, blah, blah, blah because he's an abuser who hates to see me happy)

I thought it was weird, but I didn't say anything other than their tentacles of drama are far reaching and never stop.

I think what was really going on is SD, BM and SIL were trying to work on H and BIL to drop everything and go to BM's house and do something about drunk SD. We all just went about our business and continued watching the movie we were watching when the phone rang.

The Christmas visit was rather tranquil by comparison to the rest of our encounters. I do believe something is afoot. I believe next years vacation is being plotted. Behind my back by H and SD. Since I'm sure I'll have no say in it, I'll just have to stay home with my bios who probably won't go without me and let them do all the cooking and whatnot.

This going around behind my back shit with SD, BM and all of it is going to stop one way or another someday. If this joke of a marriage is blown to smithereens by my standing up for me and my kids then let it. I've had one foot out the door for years now.