Finally I found my tribe!
I have been feeling like a complete asshole- Up until I found this page. I had literally just googled “I can’t stand my stepkids”. I would love to share my story with someone who won’t recoil in shock!
I have been married for about a year to a younger man. He has a boy age 8 and a girl age 3. We have them every other week and I hate it. My SS is addicted to his iPad. It’s always turned up loud and he will literally have a wailing fit if he can’t be on it. He interrupts every conversation and always to talk about something going on on his iPad, and how he’s a pro at every game he plays on it. When he’s not gaming, he’s on YouTube watching other gamers. And if we’re being honest, he sucks at gaming and whines that other players are cheating the whole time he games! He still drinks from a sippy cup so he won’t spill while watching said iPad. He still can’t dress himself- still puts his clothes on backwards. Can’t tie his own shoes. Can’t carry his own crap. Just sits and waits to be waited on. My SD demands constant attention, grunts at you if you discipline her and falls out in the floor screech-crying if she doesn’t get her way. She still gets up several times a night, always wanting something she could have done herself- like putting her own pacifier in her mouth. They only have one noise level and that’s loud as humanly possible. When they come over, I feel like my purpose is to cook, clean up behind them (because they just drop whatever they're playing with wherever they’re standing) and make sure that my husband’s and their visit is the vision of comfort. Their grandparents don’t help the situation- they actually bought the SD five dolls for Christmas but that’s another topic. It’s gotten to the point where the week they’re here, I just sit in a chair. If I go “hide”, my husband comes looking for me. It takes the whole week they’re gone to recover, then it starts again. I dread them coming over, and resent the fact that I feel like an outsider in my own home when they’re here. I feel like a jerk for feeling this way, but I’m so glad I could finally get it off my chest. They’ll be here any minute and I wish I could be anywhere else.
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Welcome to the group! We don
Welcome to the group! We don't judge for not liking your stepkids here! LOL
However- while your skids sound like a PITA- you have a husband problem, my dear!! Why isn't he teaching his son to dress himself? Why isn't enforcing boundaries with electronics time? Why hasn't he sleep trained his daughter? These aren't your job. He is failing as a father and failing you as a partner.
My partner
Yes, I absolutely agree my husband is part of the problem. The overindulgent grandparents and hands off mother don’t help the situation either. Every week we have them it’s like starting all over again to curb the negative behavior.
No, not part of the problem.
No, not part of the problem. THE problem. The SOLE problem in your home, which is the only place you have any control.
HE can tell thr grandparents to take 4 of the 5 dolls with them, or donate them, or put them away. He can turn off the iPad. He can set rules and tell the kids how they act at BM's doesn't matter while they are in your home. He can cook their meals and make their visits fun. He CAN and SHOULD do it all. NOT YOU.
Don't blame the other people outside your home. The only reason they have influence is because your DH allows it. Put your foot squarely up his behind and tell him things have to change. If they don't, I highly recommend telling him he can kiss your rear as you walk out the front door.
Absolutely! I have told my
Absolutely! I have told my own parents NO on more than one occasion- you know why? Because I am the parent. I decide what my kids will or won't have.
Your husband can also have different rules than BM. He can dictate what is allowed in his/your house. Kids know the difference. Just like they can speak openly at home but have to raise their hand at school. Different rules for different places. Dad's house and mom's house is the same concept.
It’s not your purpose to cook
It’s not your purpose to cook for or clean up after your DH’s kids, or to make their visit comfortable. They are his kids, it’s his job to cook & clean up after them, parent them appropriately (which he’s clearly not doing), and make sure they’re comfortable. Your job is to support your DH and to make sure you’re not a doormat to his chaos.
Youre not a jerk for feeling this way, he’s a jerk for not being a better parent or partner. Take a huge step back & let him take care of HIS kids.
You married a useless parent.
You married a useless parent. Why do you hate the kids and not the adult that he has raised this way? The kids are the product of your husband's awful parenting.
The kids
It’s not that I HATE the kids. I just dread them. I absolutely despise the way they take over the household, and the biological family sees nothing wrong with it.
Have you discussed this with
Have you discussed this with your DH? Because this doesn't get better. If his kids have no life skills and no social skills, they will be living with you well into adulthood. Your only hope is to fix it now while they are young.
And this means your DH must fix it.
Approach your DH not with "I hate your kids," but with "what can we do to solve the problem." He needs to clearly understand that these kids are HIS responsibility, and anything you do is to assist HIM in his role as parent. It is not your responsibility to clean up after them, cook for them, correct their behavior.
Agree. It took many sit-down
Agree. It took many sit-down, relaxed, non-skid weekend evenings at which my DH and I talked about skids, behaviour, my role, his role, and one huge fight. And I STILL disengaged. And I still do, after 6+ years! He's still a passive parent, so he gets to parent, he doesn't allow me to correct, discipline, have any 'parenting role' then I don't parent - I don't cook for them (unless I want to), I don't clean up after them, I don't teach them anything, I don't buy anything special, etc. It wil work for for you OP, you just have to remain firm and strong.
Welcome to the site!
I would say a large percentage of us found this site by googling "I hate my stepkids" lol, including me. I used to dread when my SDs would come over every other weekend which they did for a decade+. But the other posters who say your DH is the problem, are right. He needs to up his game and get firm with his kids. I spent 10 yrs disengaged on the weekends the SDs were at my house - basically on my own while DH gratified their every whim. My DH finally saw the light but it took a number of years to get to that point. Let's hope that yours doesn't take as long as mine did!
Lol, that is exactly how I
Lol, that is exactly how I found this site, by googling 'I hate my stepkids'.