Getting worn down
The Skids go home to BM tomorrow, and it’s not a moment too soon. It’s been a long week.
There are no rules, boundaries, or chores at BM’s house, so the Skids act like her house is Disneyland, and ours is Hell. Everything is better at BM’s house! Yesterday, one of the Skids was actually complaining that his hot chocolate had cooled too quickly, which must be because our water was not as hot as the water at his mom’s house is. Yes, you heard that right. The water is hotter at BM’s.
I used to look down on BM for caving into them all the time, but now I think she might be the smart one, because her house seems a lot more peaceful than ours. I don’t think we’re unreasonable (yes, you do have to pick up after yourself; no, you can’t be gaming until 4:00am on a school night; yes, you do have to bathe and brush your teeth every day; no, we’re not making 3 separate meals for dinner, because none of you like the same thing). But at the same time, every time their father tells them to do (or stop doing) anything, a fight breaks out. I’m so tired of listening to them bicker with him and each other! This morning, that was how I got woke up. He was arguing with the oldest because it was 4:30 in the morning, the Skid had yet to go to bed, and they have school today!
All I know is I’m miserable, the Skids are miserable, and their father is miserable, almost every second they’re at our house. Their father is in such a bad mood when they’re with us, I don’t even want to be around HIM, and he’s my reason for being in this situation! Why are we doing this? Either they need to stay with BM 100% of the time, or we’re going to have to let them run amuck like she does. I just don’t know what else to do.
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Comments
Children need to have chores
Children need to have chores to teach them responsibility and provide structure. If one of them were playing games until 430am why doesn't your H take the game away and punish him? Show the kids that in your house there are consequences when rules are broken. Your H has to remain consistent, put his foot in their @ss no matter how tiresome it gets.
They want to run wild at BM that's on them but at your house its a whole other ball game and your H needs to remain strong in his parenting. To save your sanity try to disengage as much as possible. Losing your peace of mind is not worth it for anyone. Save yourself and take care of you!
Disengaging
I’m working on disengaging. It’s harder to keep my mouth shut than I thought. And he’s doing well with keeping on top of things. It’s just constant. He’s not wearing THEM down; he’s wearing ME down!
As long as BM will still take
Care of them at 30. Not saying she can’t handle them and have to live with you,
That’s what I’m saying
She doesn’t even want them full time now; she sure as heck won’t want it when they’re 30!
Ack, this sounds terrible.
Ack, this sounds terrible. The only thing I could suggest is a wifi timer. It is your friend and will eliminate that whole part of the argument. You set the Wifi to shut off certain devices at a certain time, skids have no access to video games or wifi on their phone. We shut SS's off at 9pm on weeknights and his phone wifi goes off at 10pm. Done.
Great idea!
We just bought one! Going to set it up after they leave this time, so they’ll come back to a WiFi schedule.
Another approach your dh
could try is natural consequences. Ok it's 430am and skid has school in a couple of hours. If he chooses to not go to bed then he goes to school tired. But if grades start to slip then he loses video games. As far as the meal thing goes if you have 1 who refuses to eat the meal put the plate in the fridge. tell the kid that his meal is in the fridge if he gets hungry, but that is what was made and no other meals or snacks will be provided. he is welcome to eat it during dinner time or if he changes his mind and gets hungry, but that is ALL that is being made. I had to do this a couple of times with my sd when she was younger. 2 temper tantrums later and she started eating what was made for dinner.
Consequences
He’s already failing math (for the 3rd year in a row, and the school keeps passing him to the next grade), and he doesn’t care, so that’s not going to work.
But I like the dinner idea...
Take heart! It's only a few
Take heart! It's only a few years before they start refusing to come over, and the court won't do anything. It's impossible to have 50/50 custody in these situations, because of course, what kid isn't going to like the "fun" house better?
My SS18 stopped coming over at 15, and his BM allowed him to do whatever he wanted all the time. Regularly played video games all night during high school.
It's a losing battle.
I see that happening with us
I see that happening with us, but I'm not sad about it. I feel proud that I kept them safe and healthy for as long as I could while their BM was off screwing half the state or acting 13. The 33yr old Mom drops the kids off in double braids still on occasion. (I die laughing when I drive away in my car and no one can see me). Having her kids with her every day, day in and day out is an impossibility for her, but she's fighting for that. If she gets it, I am going on a long beautiful vacation and however else she screws them up is on her and family court, but my life would improve. Hers wouldn't lol!!!!
We have the same Skids
Okay. Take the chord for the gaming system and TV. They can have it back when they learn to go to bed on time and be respectful. On a positive note, at least it was your SO dealing with the 4am thing and he wasn't laying in bed sleeping through it or asking you to take care of it (that would be my luck). Every thing they do that bothers you has a solution, you just have to think about it differently, or your SO does. I know what you mean though, skids are angry hurt kids who act up most often.
We have the same issue at our
We have the same issue at our house. BM's house is apparently structure free with no rules and they can as they please. BM runs behind them picking up after them so they have no responsiblity. As SD17 tries to say, she doens't care if I curse. No boundaries make our house the bad place. And heaven forbid they be asked to do their chore and not do it then get punished, they run back to BM's house, where they're free to sleep/play video games/watch movies/do as they please with no consequences.