my 1st post on Step Talk
I've been perusing posts on this site every once in a while for about a year now and I'm finally going to post. I need a safe space to vent and get some input on what's swirling around in my head. Since some of these issues are bothering me on a regular basis I plan on seeing a professional to help me sort them out, but as it is a Sunday morning, this is my fastest option.
So I guess I will start with the background first. I don't know all of the abbreviations yet, so bear with me. I have an 8 yr old SS who I have seen every day since he was 5 and have been living with since he was 6. I've been married to DH for a few months and things between the two of us are going great. DH has had full custody since SS was a toddler. Visitations are legally due to happen one wkend/month (with BM) but that did not even take place until 2009 and have been irregular since then. Ex: July visit took place but no visit for August or September and there has been no communication regarding an Oct visit. BM has to be hassled by DH and an unbiased third party in order to get her to communicate with SS on a semi-regular basis.
Meanwhile, DH and I are the ones who have to incur the wrath of 8 yr old SS because we are the ones who are there everyday and setting and enforcing boundaries. As of late SS has regressed to throwing severe temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way or is being disciplined. He has thrown the kitchen trash can, punched/hit/kicked DH, pulled the table cloth off of the table, and been used physical force on two girls at school. WTF!?!? SS is currently not in treatment temporarily and I checked my insurance a few days ago to see if I could help temporarily fund these therapy costs just to get his behavior back under control and then let DH know and asked him to set up some appts and he didn't. SS has been in treatment before, so that's not the issue. So why the lag? Of course, the incident happened later on in the same day as I told DH to schedule the appt, and I called DH on it. "See? This is why we can't wait." In fairness, the bad behavior does come in waves. The pattern is (verified by a third party) that when he does not commmunicate or see BM as scheduled (SS knows it is supposed to be one wkend a month) the behavior goes off the wall. Also, since there is no discernible discipline happening at BM's house, the days after he comes home are off the charts too.
At this point I am not sure that the current visitation schedule is benefiting anyone but BM. Is there any way to get custody reduced (legally) without showing severe physical abuse? I feel like it's emotional abuse to keep getting SS's hopes up and then repeatedly backing out, but I'm fairly certain that's not enough for the courts. What if a third party can show that it is causing SS to act out aggressively at school?
It's so frustrating that the people who actually care and show that by being there every single day, killing themselves at work to feed and clothe him, are the ones who get sh!t on repeatedly, whereas BM who has shown time and time again that she does NOT care about him, can do no wrong in the eyes of my SS.
Does it get better?
Or does it just get worse?
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Comments
Really what can or cannot
Really what can or cannot legally be done is subjective to the judges personal opinion on the matter.
*MAYBE* if you can get a mental professional to give testimony about how emotionally damaging it is to the kid that his mother is not maintaining a consistent relationship the judge will take that into consideration.
My guess though is that the judge would first seek to enforce the current order by "forcing" BM into visitation, possibly therapy with the kid, etc.
I also guess that it will take several petitions to the court (one after each instance that BM fails to follow-through and proof of continued emotional trauma to the kid can be proved and testified to) before any judge would eventually sever the BM/child relationship.
In the meantime, continue as you are: get the kid some help. He's really hurting and very confused. Justifiably so. He needs to be taught how to appropriately express and manage those feelings.
Good luck. That's a toughie.
I just want to say that I am
I just want to say that I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. I can relate to a major shift in my SD's emotional state/well-being after each sporadic visit with BM. It was very difficult on our whole family, but SD suffered immensely from her mother being interested in her one second, and then having no contact with her for months. The pain of rejection by a parent is incredibly acute, however, it is rare for a child of any age to be able to pinpoint and effectively communicate that is why they are cycling through rage, sadness, and feelings of emptiness.
It can also become a tight-rope walk for the custodial parent and step-parent, because while you can see the cause of the child's anguish, it can make matters far worse to voice that to the child. No kid wants to hear about or be reminded that the mostly absent parent is the reason behind their issues. There is usually still fierce loyalty there. What makes it even more sad is that a lot of kids look inward for the answer to why mommy isn't around....they tend to blame themselves and make excuses for the parent's behavior.
I agree that counseling is a must, although that is a long and arduous process of emotional evolvement for the child. Because BM is rarely in his life, he has probably developed a mountain of trust issues. A child can't figure out why mommy loves him, cuddles him, makes promises to him one minute, and then disappears the next. Reacting with aggression is him literally trying to keep others from getting too close, because he believes it's better than the inevitable sting of rejection.
I know that my SD got much better with each passing day that her BM was NOT in the picture, breaking promises and failing to follow through on visits. But your SS seems to regress everytime BM doesn't show for visitation, and at his age, he can understand the concept of a calendar. How heartbreaking for him to be let down like that.
Again, I'm so sorry for this little guy, and for you and DH. I cannot understand a woman that would do this to her child. Your SS is very lucky to have you as a figure of permanency in his life.
DH is at work and I am
DH is at work and I am watching SS8. Just survived an onslaught of "Shut up!" " You're the worst step-mother ever" etc, etc. It is so incredibly frustrating and soul-crushing to hear things like this coming out of his mouth on a regular basis. DH was out of work for the last couple months so I have been straining to support the three of us and this is the thanks that I get. This is the thanks that I get for leaving work early to pick him up from school. This is the thanks that I get for being there EVERY SINGLE DAY, never missing a school event, graduation, awards ceremony, birthday, holiday, etc for three years and I'm still treated like an unwelcome guest in the house that I pay the rent on. Does this ever get better????????
Really anxious to get him back in to therapy (which I said I would pay for and use my insurance for since DH can't currently afford it) but DH is dragging his feet for some reason. He's been in therapy before, so I don't know what the hesitation is. If this keeps going like this I'm going to end up needing therapy too. A person can only take so much abuse, even if it is from a child.
You should go to therapy!!
You should go to therapy!! Whether your SS does or not (which he should, and your DH is doing him no favors by dragging his feet), you should try it. I know that is an uncomfortable idea for some, but really, having a counselor that understands this type of dynamic has been one of the most helpful and important parts of my step situation. DH and I NEVER argue about SD or BM anymore. We are totally on the same page, and it has also helped reduce the amount of time I spend ruminating over SD and BM.
You have a sh*t ton on your plate, and if nothing else, a therapy session will at least give you an hour away, reflecting and working in a healthy way towards personal happiness. You deserve that. You need to be validated, and your SS is dealing with too many issues with "mommy" to give you any recognition. My SD is almost 18 and still can't say "thank you" or "I'm sorry". She may never be able to. But I am okay with that. I gave her every bit of me, more than my own DD's at times, and I'm still disposable to her. Through counseling, I'm learning how to stop letting her take so much, and to stop expecting anything in return. It sounds sad, and it is at times, but it's reality. I'm not her mother. I've been more mother-like to her than BM, who has chosen to be more of a roommate/BFF, but her loyalties will always default to BM. It's a pretty thankless job, that's for damn sure. I needed help to come to terms with that, because I felt like I failed. Now I just remind myself that I've done all I could, and far more than I was responsible for. It just is what it is.