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QUESTION: Would you prefer your SK's to be upfront honest with you all the time?

pastepmomof3's picture

Submitted by pastepmomof3 on Mon, 08/30/2010 - 3:12pm

I remember the day I met my now SD for the first time. She was 9 at the time, kind of shy but nice and accepting overall and pretty pleasant. I probably committed the biggest SM sin that could ever be done - i told that little sweetie that "if I do something you don't like or agree with, I need you to tell me." Now fortunately/unfortunately she's never said a word directly to me about things that I may have said or done that she disagreed with, but I thought about it just now - Do I really WANT her to tell me what she's REALLY thinking?

As things progressed with my now DH and our lives as well as hers and everyone else's, I hadn't really noticed any changes in her behavior towards me or her father -- anything I noticed I generally just chalked up to her age or to her mother putting ideas in her head.

There were a few instances where I had to assert my "power" in our household by enforcing our rules or "punishment" as I saw fit (taking away the cell phone at 2AM because she's screaming at someone on it and woke me up). I don't know if it's these things paired with her age and her mother and everything else are poisoning her thoughts, or maybe it was just that we didn't give her her way all the time. Anyways, she wound up not coming to our house for over a year. We found out she was seeing a psychologist which prompted my DH to charge the BM with contempt. This then led to a modified custody arrangement and such. During the conciliation though, i caught the brunt of a lot of the lies and accusations - "she tries to be my best friend", "you can't make a decision without her", etc. - but then when she finally came to our house, she was just a little darling, choosing to come with me to go places and such.

I don't know. Since we've moved back, we've seen her a little more often but sometimes I wonder what she's really thinking...or do I just continue to let her gravitate her own way.

Comments

TheOtherMom's picture

Submitted by TheOtherMom on Mon, 08/30/2010 - 3:22pm

Ignorance is bliss.

As long as they don't trash talk me behind my back though. I think we raised honest children for the most part.
"If you can't say anything nice ..."

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Mon, 08/30/2010 - 3:26pm

i always tell skids if something bothers them about me to let me know. otherwise, things will remain the same... and all the crying they do to whoever will listen won't matter if they don't let me know directly.

this all came about after they both (sd more so) would run and tell both g-maws they didn't like when we ate/what we ate/etc..

and after the last sd 13.5 cry baby episode, i layed into sd big time... so now, i think she finally realizes anything she says/does behind my back i find about and it only bites her in the ass... we'll see as the years go by..

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Mon, 08/30/2010 - 3:41pm

stay strong, maux!~

"Now, the trick for me is sticking to that plan and not getting fooled into doing that!"

i know the feeling (with mil and stuff) and see the same thing with my mom and her adult skids... the treat her like shit, but kiss her ass when they want something.... and she trys to rise above and give it "one more try" for her dh ~~ only to get bit once again...

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Mon, 08/30/2010 - 4:10pm

I'm not sure. SS is very blatantly honest and will calmly tell me he doesnt like me-doesnt have anything to say to me-and doesnt like to be around me. That type of honesty I could do without. However, I do wish he'd be honest about what the real issue is-why is he this way-why did things change, etc. I actually dont even care if he tells me but he should at least be honest with himself.

pastepmomof3's picture

Submitted by pastepmomof3 on Tue, 08/31/2010 - 5:30pm

Wow guys, thanks for the food for thought. Maybe I'm still in the "honeymoon" stage of our relationships when it comes to the skids. After reading over everything, I really worry about my relationship with my SS8. He has never come across the "you're not my mom" line (Thank Goodness!!) but it worries me because of his "home life" at his BMs. We'll see.

The jury is still out on whether i want the hard truth or not from my SD. I think I'd like the opportunity to hash out whatever ideas or misconceptions she might have over me or her dad's relationship (although there was another wife between me and SD's BM, whom she absolutely hates but has nothing to do with). However, i'm not sure i'd be able to be mature in the discussion if anything comes out that i know blatantly comes from her BM.

We'll see what happens. She's coming this weekend so we'll see if anything comes up. I doubt anything will but you never know.